Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Ever had that moment where you agreed to something, maybe with work, friends or family, and then realised it was going to cost you in time, energy or connection with your partner? That sinking feeling of, oh, I probably should have checked in first or this is going to throw off our weekend, it happens to all of us. But when it starts happening regularly, your relationship can end up feeling like it's always coming second. That's where boundaries come in. They're not about being rigid or shutting people out.
[00:00:27] Speaker B: They're about.
[00:00:27] Speaker A: They're about protecting what matters most, your connection.
Boundaries are how you say to the world, our relationship comes first. In today's episode, we're unpacking what healthy boundaries actually look like, why they matter, and how to set them as a team. Because when your relationship has boundaries, it feels protected, stronger and more united.
Let's dive in.
People were always telling us, you guys are such a team. And we began to realise this just isn't the case for most couples.
[00:00:58] Speaker B: But we knew from our own experience of turning our relationship into a team that change isn't just possible, it's inevitable. All you need is a little direction.
[00:01:06] Speaker A: So that's what we do on this show. We steer you in the right direction. We keep it simple. We show you why relationship struggles show up and how you can start changing your relationship today.
[00:01:16] Speaker B: And we bring the good stuff by turning information from leading relationship experts and evidence based research into easy to understand skills and tools that anyone can use.
[00:01:25] Speaker A: We also share insights from our own 23 years of experience together. And we chat with some incredible couples who offer their wisdom on relationships.
[00:01:33] Speaker B: If a better relationship is what you want, then get comfy. Whatever tickles your pickle. As we prepare to dive into all things team.
[00:01:40] Speaker A: We're Kim and Rog and this is the Living the Team Life podcast.
In one of my wonderful doom scroll moments, I was, I came across a reel with Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco in it.
And after asking you who the frog Benny Blanco was, which made me feel really old, and you told me he was like huge in music, as big as Pharrell Williams. So, you know, whoops. Anyway, I, I came to you and I said, oh, it's, yeah, they had a little interesting moment in this interview that they were being interviewed on their relationship, which is happening everywhere because they just got engaged and they keep talking about how much they love each other, which is lovely, and how happy they are.
And Benny Blanco was talking about, he has got a great name. I mean, I just have to say.
[00:02:43] Speaker B: That it's a real, like Blanco rock producer Is it.
[00:02:47] Speaker A: Or is it like Benny Blanco cowboy?
[00:02:51] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
[00:02:54] Speaker A: Anyway, Benny Blanco can only be said with both names. Benny Blanco was talking about their relationship and how he really enjoys the understanding they have between each other. And when the interviewer probed a little bit further, he some summarized it with, I think we have really great boundaries and that really supports our relationship.
And I'm not going to go into what that meant for him because to be honest, I'm not 100% sure.
So if you've seen the same reel, if it went in a different direction, I'm sorry.
What really stuck out for me was the word boundaries. And I said to Roger, found that really interesting that someone would use that word to, to reflect well on their relationship because boundaries can sound so severe. And I thought, well, actually when I reflect on it, we've talked about boundaries before and they are a really, a really important part of our relationship and relationships in general.
And that's why I've brought it to the podcast today, because I think it is important to talk about boundaries and maybe unpick some of the stigma the word boundaries has because it is given a lot of hassle as being.
This is almost got like, I give you the stereotype associated with boundaries, an uptight wife who just wants to rule the relationship with a, with an iron fist. And that is just completely unfair.
[00:04:35] Speaker B: Well, and I think also for me it's the boundaries can be someone. We often think of people.
It's interesting because we often think of people with no boundaries as, as chaotic and as trouble bound. And yet when we then go, oh, let's talk about boundaries ourselves, it's almost like a dirty word. So it's like, well, how can both be true? If someone who doesn't have boundaries we see are quite chaotic and we see asking for trouble, then how can we say that putting boundaries in ourself would also, you know, boundaries is not a dirty word is I think what we're trying to say here. But I just don't think a lot of people really know what they mean. And it is cool, you know, celebrities, someone like Benny Blanco, who is one of the biggest music producers on the planet. And whenever, of course, celebrities get together that they become even more popular.
But the fact that they talk about it makes it more accessible to other people and makes it easier for people to I guess go, okay, what are our boundaries? It puts it out in the ether and people can talk about it and they can do podcasts on it, which is what we're doing today. So I love that you brought this to the conversation to live in the team life today, sweetie.
But what are boundaries?
Well, for me, boundaries are like the framework on, you know, we talk about the foundation of a relationship being safety. I feel they're like the framework of a house, of your relationship because they're the clear lines that couples agree that protect their relationship from the outside interference and the confusion of the world.
So put simply, boundaries help define what's okay and what's not okay. What for both people in a relationship, they are agreements that protect your time, protect your energy, protect your trust, and protect your connection.
Boundaries say, this is how we keep our team strong. And for me, they're almost the most important way that a team will uphold the core values that are important to them. So a quick example of what a boundary might be is not checking your phone for work emails or, or chatting with your mates on WhatsApp during a date night with your partner. That's something you agree on. Making sure that you tell the in laws or other family members or friends that will get back to you before making a decision on when you're going to go and see them or do something.
Not bad mouthing each other to friends and family. These are all really important values that are put in form of boundaries.
[00:07:01] Speaker A: Yeah, I think boundaries, you're right, Rog. They, they reflect the values that you share as a couple. They also set the culture of the relationship, I think a lot. Well, your relationship culture is we're a team, we work together, we make decisions together, we respect each other, we have clear agreements and we don't go outside of those agreements because it's respect and it's, and it's how we know our relationship functions at its highest level that sets that culture for the relationship. You know, that is your culture. That's who we are. That's that relationship identity that we've spoken about before. So they are actually really, really important in a relationship. And I, I, you know, the more we talked about this topic, the more excited I got to feel that when people understand how helpful they can be, that we could remove that sort of stigma associated with setting clear boundaries in your relationship and take out any of that idea of it being, you know, like rigid rule setting. That's not really what a boundary is. And we'll unpack that a little bit further. But let's look, let's kick off a little bit further into why some people struggle to keep boundaries because we know this shows up in relationships and we know people are suffering as a result of it.
We've had multiple people talk to us about different situations where at the crux of it they haven't been clear with their partner on what the boundary is and so misaligned expectations, disrespect, etc has shown up. So why don't people, or why do people struggle to keep boundaries?
Let's unpick it because there's usually. It's not so sinister. It's, it's not, it's not so nasty as I, I wanted to disrespect my partner. It's actually often thinking about a lot of other people instead of necessarily the relationship first. But that's not a sinister thing. Sometimes we just do that in life because we have other things going on as well. So things like they don't want to upset their family so they don't set a, a boundary with them or they don't want to upset their friends or they don't want to upset their boss. They're, they're really and, and behind that could even be like the thought of you know, or my partner really wants me to get a promotion so we have more money so that we can go on that holiday or, or renovate the kitchen the way we've been dreaming of or put the pool in for the kids or whatever it is. And so you really gunning for that. So you think well put the boss first because that equals the holiday that'll.
[00:09:35] Speaker B: Put the family first down the track.
[00:09:36] Speaker A: Right. And because you haven't had that boundary conversation, you haven't worked out what the priority there is or what the clear line is. People also feel guilty for saying no. This is a common human trait. Humans don't like to say no to other people. We like to say yes. We like to be helpful, we like to feel needed. That's a big big one. Humans really get a lot of worth out of feeling needed. Especially when it comes, you know, mum rings and she really needs your help or your sibling rings and they really need your help. You're like yes, I'm the good sibling you came to for advice, of course I'll drop everything and help you. But maybe that's not what's agreed in your family and maybe that's not what's fair right there for the relationship.
Some people just weren't modeled healthy boundaries growing up as well. You know, sometimes their parents didn't know how to set boundaries. Their, their households might have been a little bit more chaotic, their parents relationship might have been a little bit more chaotic. And, and another reason that shows up and sort of underpins why people often struggle to keep or set boundaries is they forget because they haven't solidified the why behind the boundary. So they might actually have a conversation with their partner about their partner not liking something or it's something affecting the relationship, but they haven't got clear on why it's important to them to make a change. And so when that situation shows up again, they easily relent back into old behaviors because they're not motivated enough by the fact that they understand, well, this is really important to our relationship, and it's. And it's affecting us. And we've chosen the value of whatever. And, and therefore I want to follow through and honor that value in this relationship.
[00:11:18] Speaker B: Yeah. Because there needs to be substance behind a boundary. Right. Because otherwise it just seems arbitrary. And then when you're in a situation where you actually need to put that boundary in place, you're just like, oh, well, I don't know why I'm doing that. It can't be that important.
I'll put those other people's feelings or my, my stress or my feelings above the team. Above the entity.
[00:11:38] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly.
[00:11:40] Speaker B: Yeah. So what happens when we don't have boundaries? Well, the truth is, if we don't have boundaries between the relationship and outside forces, things can start to break down slowly or suddenly, because without boundaries, one person might start to feel second place to work, hobbies, friends, family.
You start to argue about the same things over and over because what happens is often a boundary won't be put in place. Place. This is something that happens again and again. And that's why you need a boundary there. And so it's a fight that you end up. There's a situation scenario that happens again and again. So it's a fight you end up having again and again.
You start to lose your trust in that person. The trust in a relationship, which is so core is the glue of a relationship, starts to erode. Because the truth is, if you're not putting each other first, and so as a result, resentment will start to build, especially when one of you always starts to give in. So if one of you is putting a boundary out there and the other one doesn't, you're like, well, I, I'm being strong. I'm putting us first. Why aren't you putting us first? And I think most importantly is that if you don't have clear boundaries, your relationship starts to feel unprotected. It starts to feel like anyone or anything can come in and interfere with your relationship. So look, let. Let's put this Simply, without boundaries, we start to put other people above the relationship, above our partner, and we do it without realizing. It just becomes a habit. A habit. You know, not having a boundary can become a habit. And because there's no why, no rule behind it, no agreement behind it, you can end up just doing the wrong thing and undermining the relationship.
You know, And I get it. With our partners, we'll be like, well, they know I love them. You know, they know I love them. So they know. They'll understand this scenario. I have to do this. Look, they know I've got their back.
But the truth is, if you're putting someone else first, you're not putting your partner first, are you? You're putting them second or you're putting them last.
[00:13:42] Speaker A: I've got a great saying.
[00:13:44] Speaker B: Do it.
[00:13:46] Speaker A: They don't know it unless you show it.
[00:13:48] Speaker B: Boom.
[00:13:49] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:13:51] Speaker B: And a boundary is a way you can short. And if you don't feel like you're the most important person in your partner's world, how can you ever truly feel safe with them? If you feel like you. They're always putting someone else or another situation above your feelings. You and the team and the relationship.
How will you ever feel safe? Like they've got your back and all these little fears start to creep in. Well, if something happens, if another situation arises, will they put me first? Will they choose me above that other person, above that other situation?
And, you know, you can see that.
You can see that. That doubt that, you know, that surreptitious.
You can see that doubt creeping in.
But that's what boundaries do. They help remove doubt. They show your partner that you come first, that we come first.
[00:14:41] Speaker A: I think something you said there that stood out to me was if you. If you're putting someone else first, you're putting your relationship or your partner last.
It's not just about someone else's in the physical form. And that's where you spoke about text messaging before.
[00:14:57] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:58] Speaker A: That can also be putting someone else first. Your attention's going to them. Your interest is going to them. Your curiosity is going to them. If you. If you are constantly showing that your interaction with them is. Is taking precedence over your interaction with your partner, it is saying to them, you're not coming first. Regardless of the fact that it's just a phone.
It's. It. Can I just. Was something that was important to note. It's not just the physical person that's staying at work or the physical action. It can be just on your phone, can actually be really Harmful.
[00:15:34] Speaker B: Yeah. Simon Sinek has a great little clip on YouTube and Instagram about this where he, he says this, like, if you put your phone on the table, does the person across from you ever feel like they're the most important person in the room? And he was talking about it in terms of, you know, if you're a boss with, with an employee or work colleagues. But also, of course, this is the true. In a relationship. So I've, you know, if we've got our phones on the table at dinner or we're out having a coffee or a date night, or I'm constantly checking the time or checking whether, like my mates have sent through a funny thing or checking a multi or whatever. How are you ever going to feel like you're the most important person in that moment? And I guess by setting a boundary and going, hey, we don't do that. You're putting the relationship first and you're making sure that they know you're always number one in their world.
[00:16:22] Speaker A: So I always turn my phone over.
[00:16:25] Speaker B: Not good enough.
[00:16:26] Speaker A: But if you haven't got a handbag, which women don't take often these days, because everything is on your phone and you've got a key, set of keys and phone. I just flip the phone over because it's saying, I'm not looking at that, I'm not checking that.
[00:16:38] Speaker B: I think you can say, I think. Because I agree, I do this with us as well. I think generally say, I'm just putting my phone on the table over here. I'm not going to look at it. I've said that to you a few times.
[00:16:47] Speaker A: But if you flip it over, it helps a little bit more, don't you reckon?
[00:16:50] Speaker B: I think Simon's next saying, it's not actually that great. So you have to actually call it out and say. Because otherwise. Because what I think we're so.
Phones have messed up our dopamine receptors in our brain so much that we can't help but look, look, even look.
[00:17:06] Speaker A: And I don't even get the black case.
[00:17:08] Speaker B: It doesn't matter. I think especially Bob. How many times do we see people driving on the road still checking their phones? I think it's getting.
[00:17:17] Speaker A: I'm not checking the back of the case. I hear what you're saying. The look would be interesting. Like I would wonder if I look at my phone.
[00:17:22] Speaker B: I, I reckon you'd find that you would.
[00:17:24] Speaker A: That would be.
[00:17:24] Speaker B: I think that. And you're right, it's hard with. Or especially like, you know, if you're worried, oh, my partner's going to ring or something like that. But, you know, that's what the loud sound on your phone is for.
The ring.
The loud sound.
[00:17:38] Speaker A: Yeah. Okay.
[00:17:39] Speaker B: But you can see it can be complex. Right? And so that's why you got to set those rules and those boundaries.
[00:17:43] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. And clearly communicate them.
So what are the benefits of boundaries? We've certainly outlined the detrimental impact of not having boundaries.
The benefits are huge. They at their core, as you said at the beginning, Rogie, were they. They create a sense of safety. It's like a clear. It's like a fence. You can think of a boundary as like a protection fence on your relationship. And it's not a fence that. It's like a fence with a gate.
You can open the gate when you want to, you can close the gate when you want to. It's not to keep everybody out at all times. Which is that old stigma of, well, the boundary is this hard and fast rule that's meant to block the world out. It's. That's not it. You get to decide who comes in and when they can leave, how long they stay for, etc. Open and close the gate yourself. So what are the benefits? Safety, trust and teamwork are the core benefits that come out of setting really clear boundaries. And if I break that down into what you actually see in the relationship or experience in the relationship. Boundaries create clarity so you both know what's expected in everyday life. You have a sense of clarity and ease in the relationship. They reduce conflict. Obviously, you're not debating over what the expectations were. You know what the expectations were. If something goes awry, you can refer to what the clear expectations were.
They build loyalty because they show each other that we come first. Is. This is the we versus me stuff we talk about when. When we constantly show our partner that we are a we, that's when we have that sense of team. They also protect your time and energy. People are saying all the time they're at capacity, I'm at capacity, I haven't got any time and energy.
Then you need to set really clear boundaries so that you and we, we're big on this, especially in our lives as carers. We have to set very clear boundaries because we have to protect our capacity for our child. Our child needs us a lot. And so we need to protect that capacity that we have for caring for her. And as a result, we protect our time and energy with quite clear boundaries. And they make you a team, which I said a minute ago. These. These are agreements for your relationship. They are Your values, what you guys care about is in the relationship, in life. They are those in actions. And every time you create and uphold boundaries, you're giving each other evidence of a commitment to each other and the strength and stability of the relationship itself. You are building and nurturing and growing that stronger relationship.
[00:20:19] Speaker B: I love that, sweetie. Every time you actually enforce a boundary or create and then enforce a boundary, you're saying to your partner, that's right, you come first. That's right. You come first. That's right. I've got your back.
[00:20:32] Speaker A: You're saying that even better.
[00:20:34] Speaker B: No, I like that, sweetie.
[00:20:36] Speaker A: That's good. That's good. All right. There's a quote from Brene Brown, which I thought would be good to discuss today. And she says, daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.
What do you think about that, Roggie?
[00:20:52] Speaker B: Well, boundaries are uncomfortable, right?
You know, we talked about this off the top of the show about why some people struggle to keep boundaries. And I think the main thing is because they're uncomfortable, because they. Boundaries upset people. When someone puts a boundary in front of you, they're saying, hey, look, there's a structure to how we're going to go about this. And that can be really confronting for people.
And as a result, there's friction and there's, you know, it's discomfort. And when you create a boundary, yes, you have to sit in the discomfort for a while. But the truth is, boundaries aren't about being mean. Boundaries are about being clear. And. And Brene Brown also says this. She says being clear is being kind.
We are being kind to the people around us by showing them this is the way the situation, our relationship's going to move going forward. We're being kind to our partner by being clear and giving them the information and showing them that we've got their back by saying, this is how our relationship's going to work going forward. So, yes, if you can get through the deep discomfort, if you can love yourself and love your relationship, put that first, then what will happen, and what mostly happens is you put that boundary out there and people, after the initial discomfort will go, okay, I understand. In fact, at least I now know where I sit. And ongoing, there's generally less friction.
But whether that takes a day, a few weeks, or even a few months or even a few years, with some people and some families, for example, who.
Who don't have boundaries, who.
It can be quite difficult. But it's. It's just important to show, I think that's what Brene Brown's talking when she says about loving yourself. She's saying, you know, you've got to put yourself first. And that's what the, this in terms of boundaries, this is what a boundary for a strong relationship. It's about putting the relationship first.
[00:22:47] Speaker A: Yeah. For me, that's the bit that sticks out in the quote is the courage to love yourself. And if we say the courage to love the relationship because it's not about an individual, this is about agreed team boundaries.
I think to have the courage to love the relationship is just so beautiful because it does take bravery to go all in on your relationship to say, I want to have a great relationship. And if you listen to so many great quotes coming out from big guns in business who are saying, the key to my success, even in business, was picking the right partner.
[00:23:25] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:25] Speaker A: Because your life partner is everything. That's how you pivot off. You become a dual force rather than a solo energy. And when there's two of you, you're not twice as powerful. It's exponential what you can do in life because you always have a teammate. You always have someone who's got your back. Always have someone who's. Who's there for you. And this is saying, have the courage to go all in on that team.
Yes, you might disappoint a few other people in the short term, but the reality is what you'll get out of having that courage is so much greater. Having a great relationship will give you an incredible life.
[00:24:02] Speaker B: Yeah. It'll give you that. That safe harbor to always go to, to re. Energize and then to hit life with all your energy and vigor to get the best out of it.
[00:24:13] Speaker A: Exactly.
All right, so how do we set a boundary? I'm sure people are wondering. That's all great, guys. Thanks for telling us how great boundaries.
[00:24:22] Speaker B: Are and how hard they are.
[00:24:24] Speaker A: How hard they are and all the problems when you don't have them.
[00:24:27] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
[00:24:28] Speaker A: But how do you create a boundary? So three step process, really simple for you guys today. Step one, notice when something outside the relationship is causing problems between you. So you're going to notice things because it's going to cause conflict. You're going to feel something. So a boundary is needed anytime. Something outside your relationship, like work, friends, family, technology, habits, whatever is creating tension between you. So you can ask yourself if you've got those icky feelings, are we arguing or feeling disconnected because of something or someone outside of us? Are we feeling drained second place? Or like we're not on the same team? Are we stuck in a pattern we keep complaining about but not changing? If the answer's yes, it's time to set a boundary. So if you've got those icky feelings, use our prompter questions, ask yourselves those things. And. And then that's step one. You can say, okay, it's time to set a boundary. We're just gonna give you a little example, a faux example of what this looks like. So Sam and Lisa feel frustrated that Sam's parents keep dropping by without warning, especially on weekends when he and Lisa have planned downtime. Lisa feels like their home isn't private and she can't say anything or she'll be portrayed by Sam's family as controlling. And it's starting to cause tension between them. Sam doesn't want to upset his parents, but it's clear it's creating a problem inside the relationship. So in this example, they refer to the tension between them. That's the icky feelings that we're talking about. So you're starting to notice there's some sense there's tension. So you can get together, label that, and then you can ask those questions. To be really clear, are we feeling drained, second place, or like we're not on the same team, for example? Yes. Okay, it's time to set a boundary. Step one.
[00:26:12] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that, sweetie. And it's a great example. And we'll continue with that example through step two and three. So step two, agree on what you're protecting and what you want instead.
So look, before you make any rule or change, you have to get clear on why you're putting this rule or change in place. So why are we putting this boundary in place? What is it for? Well, as we said, boundaries are the way you show your values to the outside world. They're a way to hold them up. So this is your why, your value.
It's about protecting what matters really to you both. And the best way to understand this is to ask each other after you've had those icky feelings, and you understand that there's an outside force impact in a relationship is what part of our relationship is this affecting? Is it affecting our time, our peace, our energy, or our trust?
What do we want to feel instead? Do we want to feel like we've got more time, more peace, more energy, more trust, more connection, more calm, like we're a team?
And why is this important to us? Why is this important to the team? Not just why is this important to the individual.
What this does is it helps you work through the problem when you ask these questions as a team instead of individuals. So let's get back to our example with Sam and Lisa.
So, Sam, Lisa, with work and the kids keeping them busy all week, the weekend is one of the few chances they have to actually slow down and reconnect. They even schedule in time together because they listen to the Living the Team Love podcast. But those plans often go out the door when people drop by unannounced. So let's look at the questions we asked ourselves as part of step two.
What part of our relationship is this affecting our time? Peace, energy, trust. Well, I think you'll find that this is affecting, I guess, their time together, because that and their connection, because they. They really do try hard to carve out time on the weekends to spend time together and I guess reload and reconnect before they hit another busy week.
What do we want to feel instead? Well, they're trying to protect their space and their weekend time together. So they want to feel more connected and they want to feel like they've got each other's back and they don't have to worry about if anyone's going to come and drop in and disrupt those plans. So they don't have that connection anymore. They don't have that time for connection. What they both want is their home to feel like a peaceful and private place on the weekends, not like it's all an open house for anyone to pop in.
And even though they believe family is important, they understand that it's not as important as their family.
[00:28:55] Speaker A: So I think with this one, it's really clear that they want a sense of peace in the home that's that real. Why? Why we want a peaceful home on the weekend? That's one of the key parts of the why underpinning this. So for Sam and Lisa, it would be important for them to remember that word, peace. Yeah, we want to feel peace on the weekend. We want to. And. And for them, what peace looks like is that we have a home where we know who's coming and going and we get to make the decision. When they come and go, there's going.
[00:29:26] Speaker B: To be no chaos or disruption because they've got enough chaos and destruction inside with young kids. And they want to. They want to keep that peace, at least that peace and peace of mind.
[00:29:36] Speaker A: And they can stay connected to that peace. Peace or peacefulness maybe is the word that they're looking for. They can stay connected to that when, when maybe, you know, mum rings and says, I'm coming, I'm coming over they say peacefulness, that's what I'm looking for. And that's not going to give me that. It's not going to give us that. So I'm going to have to set that boundary that we agreed on right now.
So coming to that, how do we set that boundary? That's step number three. Set a clear rule together and stick to it. So once you figured out that why, which for example, could be peacefulness or could be a combination of peacefulness and quality time with the family, something like that, whatever it looks like, we need to turn that insight, that why insight into action. And that means agree on a specific simple boundary for you both to commit to.
So you want to make it clear and you want to make it doable.
For example, we talk to each other first before making weekend plans or our siblings and parents need to call to see if we are free before they drop round and we need to discuss it before we give the okay.
Or no. Answering work emails after 6pm is a really simple one. If you're saying, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna take away from the connection time we have and be distracted into work.
If, for example, it is a work boundary you're setting, then you take accountability for communicating the boundary to your boss. This is not your partner's responsibility. Obviously you need to be able to be clear on the phone and say. Or in a message or at work during the day and say, mate, you can't actually contact me after 6pm you can try, but I won't, I won't be answering that. So that's quality family time for me. And you can use this phrase, which we love it, this is what works for us and our family.
That is a power move. It's saying, we're a unit. We, we come as a, we come as a team and we move forward and we engage our boundaries as a team.
Unbreakable. Right?
[00:31:37] Speaker B: Yeah. That, that accountability is so important. So whether it's your work or your family or your friends, if it's your work, your family, your friends, you need.
[00:31:46] Speaker A: To be the one to put the boundary up 100%. If you put that on your partner, for example, to talk to your parents, it's saying, I don't, I don't have your back.
Because the dynamic is obviously different and the risk of blame from the parents onto the partner is much higher.
So you need to be the one that says, I'm setting the boundary. We agreed it. I have the relationship with my mum and dad that's brought about this situation. And therefore, I'm going to say, same thing with friends, same thing with a boss. And then you need to back that decision up. You never ever throw your partner under the bus and say, my partner told me I have to do this. That's a classic one that really undermines the fact that you're a team because you're saying we're not a team. Yeah, I'm willing to throw this person under the bus. And you're telling the whole world in that moment, we're not a team.
[00:32:35] Speaker B: You're not, you're not a united entity.
So important that when you set a boundary, it's about being a united entity, taking accountability for your side of things and then showing a united front.
[00:32:47] Speaker A: And on that, once your partner does set a boundary, relays that boundary. Sorry, you set the boundary and you relay it, then you can thank them. So thanks, babe. I really appreciate you talking to your friends, boss, family, whoever it is. It means a lot to me. When we show gratitude to our partner, it builds connection. Yeah, gratitude is a really big part of relationships in terms of emotional connection and intimacy. So show some gratitude. Say thank you for that. And as I said before, you know, if you're the person who set the boundary, never, ever throw your partner under the bus. So let's just go back to our example of Sam and Lisa. So thinking about step three, setting a clear rule together and sticking to it. Sam and Lisa decide that anyone wanting to visit should arrange it at least a few days in advance. After all, who isn't already booked a couple of weekends ahead? If someone happens to be nearby and wants to drop in, they can call or text first and only come over if the both partners agree that it's a clear yes. Sam takes accountability to speak to his parents and explain that they're trying to be more intentional with their time at home on weekends and they need to schedule in advance if they want to visit. Lisa appreciates Sam taking care of the stress and lets him know she feels like a real team working through the problem together.
Naturally, they high five it out.
[00:34:04] Speaker B: I love that. So remember, here's your three step process for setting a boundary. Step one, notice when something outside the relationship is causing problems between you. Step two, agree on what you're protecting and what you really want. Instead, step three, set a clear rule together and stick to it. And remember, setting boundaries is uncomfortable at first, but that discomfort will fade over time.
You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:34:36] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more Living the Team Life relationship insights and conversations. Head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:34:46] Speaker B: And if you liked today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
[00:34:54] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
