Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: You.
[00:00:04] Speaker B: Can you believe it's December already? It's amazing how quickly 2023 has flown by. This season calls us not only to discuss plans for the future, but also take a moment to look back and reflect. And what could be better than engaging in this reflection alongside your loved one? That's precisely what Kim and I are doing today. We're sharing some of the big things from our year and the lessons we're carrying forward from them.
[00:00:32] Speaker A: Hey, we're Kim and Roger, and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:39] Speaker B: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should. We think about the future as a field of possibilities, and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:47] Speaker A: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage, and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:00:56] Speaker B: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house ripping business, we've achieved some big dreams. And most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:04] Speaker A: Hear conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts, and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:14] Speaker B: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfortable, whatever tickles you, pickle and enjoy living the team lifestyle.
[00:01:30] Speaker A: Today, we're going to take a little trip down 2023. It's really a life update, I guess, for you guys. Just some of the things that have happened this year cropped up for us this year each. Rod and I going through a few things each that might be interesting to you, give you a bit of an update of what's been happening in our personal lives, a bit business lives and yeah, that's it.
[00:02:00] Speaker B: Yeah. I actually think I came at it a bit differently because this is like my lessons learned because Kim and I were like, all right, let's do a show.
Usually we come together and we do our research separately, and then we come together and form up the themes of the show and the order and highlights and that sort of thing. And today we were just know these reviews are important to do individually and look at and then come together. And I guess that's a great way to also maybe in your relationship do go and have a task for each of you or request and you both go. Let's go away and look at three lessons we've learned or three highlights or low lights even from the year that's just been and come together and talk about how they impacted us or how we thought about them. Because by doing that one, it's a great way to build empathy through vulnerability. Two, it's a great way to build bond and connection, to understand each other. And three, the more you talk about things, the better you get at them. And that's what we're all about here on the team. Life is talk about everything all the time and you'll find that those little problems that used to niggle at you, they do seem to go away.
[00:03:12] Speaker A: Oh, your intro was far more enticing.
[00:03:16] Speaker B: I told you I should have done the intro.
[00:03:19] Speaker A: Oh, well, you get that. All right, let's kick in, because I think this is going to be a fun one to do. The first thing that I wanted to reflect on in my things from 2023 was my well being journey. I've spoken about this on the blog before, and I think I've spoken about it in podcasts, albeit probably more fleeting references. But I was really focused this year, and when we set our goals for 2023, I was very focused on well being. I was a little bit unwell in January of this year, ended up in hospital, and I didn't want a repeat of that. I really wanted to be as well as possible, especially for our daughter, for our relationship, and for myself, of course, as well. And as I wrote on the blog, some of the things I've been doing are things that are aimed at more holistic well being, so really getting my body to be at its optimal functioning, things like sauna ice baths, eating more deliberately for reduced inflammation. I've spoken before, I have rheumatoid arthritis, so I do focus on trying to reduce inflammation in the body and getting the emotional support I need when I've needed it. Those sorts of things were key in my well being journey for this year, and it's gone pretty well when I reflect on it. I've definitely increased the amount of time that I've spent on well being. And I've had a mindset shift, which has been interesting. And I think this has come through the doing, and we say this a lot when you do the mind learns. And by just scheduling in the well being over and over again each week and highlighting it, I actually highlight it in my diary in pink. Anything in my diary, that is. And I use a manual diary, anything in my diary that is for me and is going to improve my well being, I highlight in pink. That might be a catch up with a girlfriend, it might be a walk, it might be a visit to the sauna. Whatever it is that I have scheduled in there, it goes in pink, which is really nice for my mind as well. It can see when it's got well being stuff coming up.
So I've created that habit quite well. And I think when I reflect at the end of the year, I would say it has helped me a lot. I have felt much more grounded this year, I have felt more well. I have not been back to hospital.
My body has had less inflammation this year than it has over the last four years. I still have some issues with my RA, but for example, up until this year, I've been having regular quarter zone injections in my hand to help me get by. I have a knot. Oh, my gosh. I've just realized that Touchwood had to have one this year, which is amazing.
The other thing I did notice out of this well being journey that I thought would be important to share was I certainly fell off the rails at times. And what I became aware of is when I fall off the rails, so don't put that effort in, don't make that plan to do the well being.
I kick into the shame cycle and the guilt cycle really quickly. You know, when you're already struggling, which is why you fall off the rails. And then you add falling off to your list of things that you're quote, failing quote.
It can really ramp up the mental struggle in your head, the load that you're dealing with and so on. Reflecting on this, I really have come back to a piece of work that I come back to over and over again in life, and that is the work around self compassion. The truth is, you can put all the strategies in place for well being. You like.
You can set the habits, create it, all of it. Life is going to throw you off the rails at some point because that's just what life does. It asks a lot of us. And if you want to stay mentally grounded in that difficult space, you're going to need to be kind to yourself. It sounds simple, but it's a really, really hard one and it's not one that we focus on overtly enough. We talk a lot about our well being journey in terms of physical stuff, sometimes mental stuff. I did say emotional support at the start. But talking about self compassion, this is really the biggest piece for me. And it's something so I've been journaling a lot this year, something I love to do, and this theme just kept coming up.
Self compassion.
If I have self compassion, and I am truly, deeply kind to myself when I fall off the rails, which will happen, it always happens. The old behaviors, thought patterns, feelings, they don't have the same opportunity to crop back up because I just give myself a break and get back on the rails when I'm ready. And that's the piece that I'm taking out of my well being journey this year. Yes, I created some great habits. Yes, I achieved what I hoped to, which was, I feel more well at the end of the year. That was literally my goal, feel more well at the end of the year.
However, I did have struggles and they were magnified by my lack of self compassion. And I know that for me to do the really, this is the deep work, this is when you start working on yourself and then you find, hang on a second, there's a deeper layer that I haven't attended to here. So that deeper layer, that self compassion work, is what I'm going to be working on next year and it's something that I uncovered by starting with the more surface level. And it's been a really great uncovering for me this year. And I would recommend to anyone and Dr. Kristen Neff, who's a specialist on self compassion, she's an associate professor at the University of Texas and she's one of the godmothers, you would say, or the grandmothers of the original researchers into self compassion. She has written different books and is a beautiful person to listen to if you want to understand more about self compassion. And so that's what I've taken out of my well being journey this year was I attended to the surface and I'm so proud of myself. And now I'm layering up or layering down and getting deeper into it. Next. Year with the self compassion work.
[00:10:01] Speaker B: I think that was a ripper. And I think we'll throw maybe a couple of quotes or some research or learnings from Dr. Kristen Neff so our listeners can have access to that. It's Kristen with a K. My health journey, I think, is my first takeout from the year as well. I put it as putting my health first, so I'm going to come at it from a different way. And this was really about prioritizing our health and then prioritizing it together and then being able to support each other through that journey. So, obviously you had a bit of a health scare at the start of this year, but aside from that, there's also a bit of a Huberman effect, I think, out there. So if you're listening to this podcast, there's a good chance that you listen to other podcasts as well. Huberman lab is huge. He's got these great scientific, I guess, lessons about hacking life. It's the waking up in the morning and pulling up the blinds and not looking at your phone first thing, getting daylight into your lives. He talks about drinking less, which I still struggle a little bit with. And he has a lot of these lessons, generally about health, and some of them are about the Sauna and the benefits of Sauna cold Plunge therapy, which I haven't done yet, but Kim's been doing, and the impact that can have on your body and your stress levels. But definitely I turned 40 this year and I think for me, understanding that our daughter will probably need a lot of support throughout her life and she's very intelligent, but the world isn't built for her and the longer I'm around for, the better it's going to be. And of course I want to be around for a long time. Love's. Awesome. I don't want to go away. I want to be here for a really long time. I want to be here with my beautiful wife, I want to hang with my friends and I want to watch my daughter grow up. Those are really important to me, and even though they've probably always been important to me, sometimes it's just that self reflection and that sitting there. And how do you live longer? Well, you try to be as healthy as possible and limit the risk factors in your life. And as I said, I've fallen a bit off of the wagon, a bit with my drinking and my snacky snacks, my consumption of food, but in other ways. I started doing weights three times a week just out the back shed, and I did it away. Worked for me. I don't like going to the gym. I love running, I love swimming, playing tennis, whatever it is, but not having to go to the gym with everyone else or even leave the house or the commute time. We made a space up the back with the shed. I've just got some dumbbells and a weight bench and an easy curl bar. Like, that's it. And I set myself a routine and I do it consistently. And I started I didn't put it in here. If we had lessons four and five be too long a podcast. But one of the lessons I did learn this year as well is time can be your friend or time can be your enemy. If you start now and make the change, time's your friend. It takes care of it for you. If you don't start, time's your enemy because that change doesn't happen and time gets away from you. And we have finite time in this world.
And in terms of time, that's a good internal segue into my own thoughts, is that, again, it was the fact that I put my health first. And I think that's really important because you do need to say no to other things, to say yes to things. And so Kim and I sitting down at the start of the year and actually coming together and saying, our health is really important. This is really important to us. Not only that, it's so important, we need to prioritize it. So that even means that often when we're bit stressed out, because we've got work to do, and if you're like us, there's always more work to do than there is time to do it. We still go. Well, no, actually, first we're going to go for a run first we're going to do our weights. First we're going to do exercise.
[00:14:09] Speaker A: Oh, I love that because that is actually sorry, I just want to jump on that because that is some self compassion right there. So we are doing that. I love that in that moment where you feel stress and you feel worry and you start to say, I'm not achieving, I'm not getting done what I need to get done. The self compassion we bring into that is what's going to be the best thing for me right now. What's the kindest thing I can do? And it's exercise.
[00:14:37] Speaker B: Yeah. I think you and I know now especially, that we exercise five, six times a week, and if we don't, we feel like crap, and we feel way worse. And over the long haul, we're less likely to perform in our business and our work if we don't exercise, then putting some work to the side, being a bit late on something or maybe doing it on our lap in front of the TV at night because we've spent that time going for a run. Or we've done that exercise to get us in the right mindset.
And the fact that you and I sat together and agreed on it, we said, this is what we're focusing on. This is what we're going to prioritize this year. So when one of us does need to pop off for a run, which we schedule in at the start of every week, the other person's going, hey, but we've got all this work to do. It's like, well, we've got an agreement. We prioritize health. And so those little fights and those little niggles around time, which is a resource, don't seem to come up anymore.
[00:15:41] Speaker A: That's great. It was interesting, your perspective versus mine on our well being journey. I love that.
[00:15:47] Speaker B: Definitely.
[00:15:47] Speaker A: All right, so the second thing from 2023 when I was reflecting that was an interesting part of this year for us was I embarked on being reviewed and undertaking the necessary tests to see if I had ADHD, if I have ADHD. And I sought this diagnosis out for a number of reasons. I've always felt a little bit different, like I have two speeds, hyperdrive and crash.
I felt like I was too much. I didn't always fit in in life. And I've worked since I was very little, really hard to observe and adapt in different environments. I've even had multiple people call me a chameleon, which kind of hurt when they said it because I thought, am I not true in who I am in every situation? But I realize I do spend a lot of time adapting, to not stand out, to not be too much. And those things play over and over in my mind. They've played over and over for a long time. But what especially prompted me this year was how my behaviors have been showing up in our relationship.
And I was struggling to adequately explain to you, Roger, some of my struggles and some of the behaviors, my sudden emotional crashes, my feelings of overwhelm, my extreme excitement and go go till I crash, my very flaky, short term memory, my millions of ideas that have to be drawn out all over the house on whiteboards and walls and everywhere. These things were difficult. And a lot of the positive stuff you've enjoyed and you love about me. And you've said that before. Some of the more difficult stuff, like my flaky memory was driving you nuts, and it was apparent to me that you thought I just didn't care about what you were saying or I wasn't paying attention and not listening, which is literally the exact opposite. I use an old school manual diary just to improve my memory because I know how bad it can be. I literally take information in one ear and out the other. It depends on the information source and the information itself. But this is a common theme for me. And yes, so I started my manual diary 15 years ago to improve my memory, and I've stuck with it, which also drives you nuts, ironically, even though I do it for my memory anyway. So in seeking further understanding around myself, I was also seeking to support our relationship, because I started to question whether the possibility of having ADHD was there. I did more reading around women with ADHD. I spoke to professionals about it, and I thought, you know what? People have always said to me? You could not be ADHD.
They say these old, really generalized ideas around ADHD. You're too organized. You do this, you do that.
[00:19:10] Speaker B: Well, you're a high performer.
[00:19:13] Speaker A: Yeah, maybe that I get stuff done or whatever it is. But these are outdated, especially around women and young girls. These are outdated ideas and generalizations around ADHD. So as I unpacked it further, I realized it could apply to me and it would explain a lot. Not that I wanted to pathologize myself, but anyway, I went and I've been tested. I went on the waiting list. I did my thing, I got tested, and it's come back. And I have a provisional diagnosis. Yes, ADHD. That's not the point of me sharing that today. The reason I'm sharing that is it's changed our relationship. Seeking that diagnosis, understanding myself further and being able to share that with Roger has increased his compassion towards me and his empathy significantly, because he understands now it's not just what it seems. And so as a result of him understanding and this happened quite a while ago when I started discussing the possibility of having ADHD with Roger. And he said also, that's why maybe this happens, and maybe you need more support with this.
And he would set up scaffolding around me. Things like if we had to remember something was very, very important, he would take that over. I'll do that. I'll remember it for you. That stuff was really, really helpful. And it's really changed the way I feel towards him. Instead of feeling a little bit ashamed of myself and the fact that I couldn't remember things or I would be really full on or absolutely nothing, I feel like, well, that's okay. That's part of who I am. And also my husband understands that and is there supporting me. So for me, seeking out more information about who I am. And sharing that process with Roger and the outcome has increased his empathy and compassion and evolved our relationship. So it's been a kind of magical part of this year for me, really accepting more of myself and growing our relationship in the process.
[00:21:21] Speaker B: I think that's great, sweetie. And I appreciate that you acknowledged the impact on the relationship. I do believe it's warts and all, and I love you for you, and I don't want you to change for me. But I do love that you're always looking to grow and you're always looking to know yourself better and learn more about yourself. And I think this diagnosis was quite important for you. And the fact that you were also able to say, not only is it important for me, but it's important in the context of the person I spend the most time with and have a relationship with, I think is really powerful. And it actually goes to my third point, which we'll get to in a bit, but I'll talk about then, so I'll talk about my second point now.
[00:22:07] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:22:08] Speaker B: For me, one of the lessons I took out of this year was that how important it is in your life to have with your partner, with your wife or your husband, to have a combined goal and a shared vision of the future. Because Kim and I do, we have a five year plan to get us to our dream. Now, in a business context, that's just called a vision and a strategic plan. Well, we have a vision and a strategic plan, but it's our dream, and we have a plan how to get there. And it gives you focus, it straightens you up, it keeps you on track, because life is constantly throwing these curveballs at you. And they can be major curveballs or they can be minor curveballs. They can be something sucky happening during the middle of the day, or you can't go out to dinner with your friends because something happened or the fact that because Kim and I have a bit more inflexible in some ways in terms of where we can go on holiday, for example, because of our daughter's additional needs, that when we see our friends overseas or see people overseas skiing especially, we can feel a bit of FOMO. And having that shared goal, that plan, that vision, really straightens you up and keeps you on track.
I think also for the relationship, it's really important as well, because you're going to fight with your partner. Kim and I do fight, and we repair very well. But one of the reasons we repair so well is because we realize when we have a fight, it's generally just about the nitty gritty and things that might matter at the time, but in the bigger scheme and the overall picture of our vision and our plan don't really matter. So, yeah, we do sometimes go to bed angry, but generally when we wake up in the morning and we've had a bit of time and space to ourselves, we can shake off that anger, we can shake off that frustration because we're like, hey, well, in the big picture, it doesn't matter now.
That doesn't mean we aren't supposed to be empathetic and open to our partner's needs when we've stuffed up or we've said something wrong or that we can cause hurt. Because that's really important in the rift and repair process as well. To acknowledge what you've done, to make sure that you work so it doesn't happen again and so your partner feels seen and vice versa. But definitely, having that overarching strategy, having that common goal and purpose, it straightens you up. It makes you feel like the little things don't matter as much. And the research backs this up, of course, as well.
[00:24:47] Speaker A: I love that one, and it kind of flows beautifully into my third thing from 2023, which I've just decided on because I was going to talk about starting the podcast, which has just been such an epic journey for us and I've loved. But I actually really want to talk about something that came up at the end of the year for us.
[00:25:04] Speaker B: Are you going off script?
[00:25:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
Watch out. We have redreamed at the back end of this year, and this is such a fun thing to do. So we had a big dream of how we thought the next five to ten years would pan out. Obviously, we have dreams in the shorter term, in the longer term, but that particular period of five to ten years and some things have shifted in our lives that make it look like how we could dream and what we could dream of might have grown. And so we decided to discuss the possibility of changing the dream we had, of growing it in a different direction. And it has just been so, so fun as we've unpacked that together, as we've started to dream about a new direction based on what we now think we will be able to do and what is possible for us as a family, so as parents, and for our daughter, most importantly, it's so exciting. And when you have a dream, we're not saying you're stuck I guess this is the reflection I really wanted to take out of this. We're not saying you're stuck with that dream. Dreams are magical because they give you direction and they give you a deep sense of purpose in life. But if that dream changes, that's okay. That can be just as magical because life changes as you go. And our redreaming looks super exciting. It looks big, it looks different, it looks bold, it's audacious. It's audacious dreaming. And that's been a really fun thing for me at the end of the year, to sit down with you and redream and do all the things deep dive into Google on what this new dream looks like think about it constantly, dream about it with you out on the veranda when we have a coffee. What about this? What about that? It's a really fun process. So redreaming has been my last thing for this year that I'd say really stood out to me and is such a cool process that I hope other people know is not a sign of I've failed at my other dream. Dreams can change, too.
[00:27:14] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that's really important because I feel sometimes people think, well, I'm locked into that dream, I can't change my plan. Maybe that's why I don't want to plan. Well, that's really just a bit of an excuse, because you can redream it's. In fact, it's really important that you do sit back sometimes and take stock of where you at in your life when your circumstances change, when good things happen or bad things happen. Our lives were flipped, turned upside down, like the Fresh Prince, and we had to come all the way back to Australia from Japan, and we had to redream what life looked like for us then. And then, of course, four or five years later, we're redreaming again of what the future will look like now and again, because we've been doing it for years and years. We're a lot better at it. But just start. Just start. So my final one is not as cool and sexy as fun as yours look, actually, I think it was a bit of a game changer for me, and it's actually, like, how much life is better when you take accountability for everything.
[00:28:21] Speaker A: How did that show up this year?
[00:28:22] Speaker B: Well, I think I have something I've done very I think it's something I've done the last five, six years, definitely. But this year, I think I've almost built a confidence or a mantra around it to the point where I feel like I'm less stressed. I'm not suffering from FOMO as much. I feel I've got more agency on my life. I feel like I'm doing more.
I feel like life can be better. I feel like I can meet a potential maybe I thought I couldn't before simply because I'm taking accountability of everything. And I read a book about halfway through this year by a guy called Jocko Willinek or Willink, and I think most people know him because he's been on Rogan a heap of times, and he's an ex Navy Seal, and he's also the trainer of the Navy Seals. He's hard. Like, he's proper hard.
[00:29:24] Speaker A: David goggins hard.
[00:29:27] Speaker B: I think he's harder than Goggins.
[00:29:29] Speaker A: Goggins. Don't listen to this.
[00:29:32] Speaker B: I think they were both Seals, right? I think he was a bit more elite, but yeah.
[00:29:37] Speaker A: David roger did not say that.
[00:29:39] Speaker B: I think he was, though, sweetie.
But he talked about on the battlefield, about how if you didn't take accountability for things and he was involved in a friendly fire accident, and he just said, this is my fault. I was the. Head of the I was in charge of the operation. And so really it comes down to me. And that was really powerful because it solidified everything I'd been thinking about for the last five, six years and some of the changes I'd made in my life. And really I think by it's so easy to get upset when someone else does something.
It's so easy to let mistakes in life be deal breakers. But if you take accountability for everything in your life, you are taking control of everything in your life. On reflection, when I look back, the times at work where I took accountability for things, even when I stuffed up, were the times that I seemed to have the greatest growth. And I don't know if it's Warren Buffett who said it, or it's a well known saying is that you can never really trust someone until they've made a mistake because that's when their true colors come out. That's because that's when they take accountability for things. That's when they will show you who are they? Are they someone who's going to shirk responsibility or are they someone who's going to take accountability? So reading that book, Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willynick, it really did sort of help me take control and agency of my life. And I think the more I take accountability of my life, the better the life outcomes I'm getting. And in a relationship context, just to wrap up, is that as soon as I started taking accountability for who I was showing up in the relationship, as soon as I started taking accountability for my relationship and the part I played in it, that is when I felt you and I started getting some of the best gains out of the relationship.
[00:31:37] Speaker A: I just think this is such a brilliant one. I didn't even know you read that book. I remember you talking a lot about the Jocko guy because the name stands out and giving little anecdotes in the morning about him and what he was saying, but you didn't give me an intro to the context of it that he had written this book that you read.
[00:31:57] Speaker B: You were reading Goggins. I was reading Jocko.
[00:32:02] Speaker A: I love that you read that book. I really want to read it myself now. I think the benefit to a relationship of partners taking responsibility is incredible. It's incredible.
We're trying to build trust and safety in the relationship. And when you take responsibility, the trust in the relationship goes through the roof. It's okay to make mistakes. It's absolutely fine to make mistakes. Knowing that you're going to own up to it, grow from it, accept that that was your mistake and it's your responsibility to fix it.
That is the essence of trust. I trust you to, yes, fall down in life like we all do, but I trust you to get back up, take the responsibility and do what needs to be done. And that's what you want to see in a partner. So I love that one and I'm so glad you shared it. Roger, that wraps up really our things from 2023. I know we've both come at that a little bit differently. Normally we would have talked through what we were both sort of bringing to the table, but we thought it would be more interesting to hear it ourselves for the first time as we read through it and talked through it. Roger, what's your gold nugget from today?
[00:33:10] Speaker B: I think the biggest gold nugget is just to take out your lessons learned for the year, actually sit down with your partner and do what we did today and actually talk through and walk through it and be empathetic. And listen, and you'll get those massive benefits from doing this and then do it for what are you looking to take out for next year? And you can do it out the front, having a coffee, you can do it while going for a walk, but maybe you can go out to dinner, have a nice glass of wine, get a babysitter and sit down and go through these things as well.
[00:33:40] Speaker A: I think that's great. I'm going to piggyback off that.
For me, this is such a wonderful exercise for the relationship, because not only do you take out the relationship takeouts, but you can also reflect together on the individual's growth and learnings about themselves. And that's a lovely point of emotional connection when you're unpacking yourself and what's happened for you this year in the relationship and in life and in all of it, you're learning about yourself and having someone to reflect that, to discuss that with, to enjoy those learnings and those growth moments. That's a really enjoyable part of a relationship and can really build that connection. So I think that's my takeout as well. For this one.
[00:34:29] Speaker B: You'Re amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:34:32] Speaker A: Feel that you're on a roll. If you want more Living the Team Life relationship insights and conversations, head over to Kimandroge.com, where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:34:43] Speaker B: And if you liked today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
[00:34:51] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
