Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:00 <silence>
Speaker 1 00:00:01 Wanting more, more connection, more trust, more intimacy. These are common wishes from people who are feeling something is missing from their relationship, how to get more. Or believe it or not, there is an answer. Quality time. Yes, it's that simple and well complicated after all. Who has time to add in more quality time? So that's what we are here to solve today, to unpack why quality time is so important and how you can start to get it back in your relationship. Because trust us when we say quality time will be your relationship game changer. Hey, we're Kim and Roger and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
Speaker 2 00:00:42 We're a west Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should we think about the future as a field of possibilities, and we let joy be our compass.
Speaker 1 00:00:50 We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage, and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
Speaker 2 00:00:59 From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house ripping business, we've achieved some big dreams and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
Speaker 1 00:01:08 Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team. These
Speaker 2 00:01:18 Are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfort in whatever tickles you pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
Speaker 2 00:01:34 We know a lot of you are time poor these days, three kids under five, either both you at full-time paid work, or maybe one of you doing full-time unpaid work at home. You've got a mortgage, uh, rising cost of living. You've got all the commitments that come from this stage of life and you love your partner and you, you just think that maybe something's missing. Maybe you're missing a, that, that deeper connection and you want a deeper connection with your partner, but you can't see how you would actually find the time to get it back, you know, while, so while you might be occupying the same space, you know, the house and going to all these kids' birthday parties together, you're going to family lunches together. You'll be driving in the car down south or to, or going on the ferry Toronto together, but maybe you are not actually spending any quality or meaningful time together.
Speaker 1 00:02:33 Yeah. So today we are gonna be talking about quality time over quantity time, right? That's, that's what you've, what you've outlined there, Roger. And I think, I mean, the beginning of your intro was a little depressing, to be honest. <laugh>
Speaker 2 00:02:47 <laugh>, that's people's lives, Kim. That's people's lives. Well,
Speaker 1 00:02:52 It is, and we can relate. Uh, and I, and I think that's an important part to acknowledge, isn't it? That we are so under the pump, the idea of us talking about finding quality time, it probably builds some anxiety in people, even just the idea. Because really what we're saying is add something to your plate, right? We want you to change things and we want you to be more specific on something and be more intentional around something. And, and when your plate is already full, all you hear is it's another demand. So I, I know how this feels personally 'cause I've actually had it as a carer in a carer speech once on how to care for the carers. And the speaker told us to just find more time and find more time for yourselves, right? Yeah. And half of the room walked out because it was such an invalidating comment.
Speaker 1 00:03:46 There was no more time. If we had more time, we wouldn't have been so under the pump and, and struggling so much. So we understand that us saying, let's focus on quality over quantity today. Maybe raising your anxiety a little, but we are going to break it down to help you understand what steps you'd need to take to make it quality time over quantity time. Why is quality time more effective than quantity? Or let's break down first, what quantity versus quality time is. So quantity of time really just refers to how much time you're spending together. And you sort of spoke about that Roger, at the beginning. You know, maybe you are hanging out together because you're parenting or, uh, partnering or whatever, you know, getting through your days together. You do hang out a lot together. But that is actually just a physical presence when we just hang out together.
Speaker 1 00:04:45 What is present is our, our physical being. When we talk about spending quality of time, we are actually referring to there being more than just your physical presence. We are referring to a deliberate intention in that moment to build the relationship. So quantity of time, if you are not being deliberately intentional, means that you could be doing a plethora of other activities at the same time as being with your partner. So you could be packing the car, you could be cleaning the dishes, doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, whatever it is, and around your partner. So you've got quantity of time, quality of time for the relationship is really building on that idea that we come back to all the time in living the team life, which is putting the relationship first. That means above the individual needs. And in putting the relationship first, being intentional that in that moment, whatever your quality time is that you've chosen for that relationship, that you are deliberately there for the relationship. There is no secondary purpose. There's no, I'm here for the relationship and I'm gonna clean the kitchen. Now we will talk a little bit about how you can do activities. So there will be a secondary activity that can enhance that, but that's different to having a secondary purpose. The primary purpose, the only purpose of quality time for a relationship is to be there for the relationship. There's nothing else coming in and trumping that. It's
Speaker 2 00:06:13 About intent, isn't it? Yes. You know, I love on the footy field coaches these days who will talk about, it's about intent, intent at the contest, intent. You know, you have to be deliberate when you're going for the ball, you know? Yes. It's not just about 18 guys on a footy field or women on a footy field, you know, playing football. There's gotta be intent about what you do, and that's what separates, you know, people who go out there to win, people who go out there to win the next contest versus people who are going out and just playing football, kicking a ball.
Speaker 1 00:06:45 A hundred percent. I mean, intentionality, you know, is all about bringing awareness to what you're doing in life. It's about having a, a more, like, you know, we talk about living a more strategic life that is intentionality. I am doing a because I want to get to B, you know, otherwise, like you said, you're just playing the game, but there's no outcome you're looking for, you don't even know what direction you're heading in. So it definitely is about intentionality. So let's break down, uh, some of the characteristics of what quality time looks like. We've said, obviously there needs to be intent behind it, but how does that show up? What sort of things are you, are you bringing to a, a quality piece of time? What does it look like? First one would be that you're fully present. So putting away distractions, I mean, this is gonna be an obvious one to a lot of people putting away distractions like the phone work, uh, household duties, whatever it is, it's about being fully present in that moment.
Speaker 1 00:07:41 Uh, the second, uh, characteristic of what quality time sort of looks like is actively listening. Now, actively listening isn't about just hearing your partner and saying it back to them. It's actually being active in the conversation. And that means both your verbal and your physical cues. So you need to be making eye contact with your partner. And this is a big one for people. And I'm just gonna caveat this as a carer for an autistic child, this can not be expected of people who are not comfortable being using eye contact. Let's just put that out there. But if your partner is comfortable using eye contact, then creating an a situation where you provide eye contact or in whatever way, you know, they like to participate in a conversation and are actively listening in that conversation. So even if eye contact isn't available, it's through your body language. Am I, am I sitting listening to this person or am I fiddling with something on my phone that's all queuing that person and my arms crossed or are my arms open? These are all queues for your partner as to whether you are actively listening to them.
Speaker 2 00:08:45 Yeah, guys have a bit of trouble with this. 'cause actually women are wired to engage each other face to face because back in the hunter gatherer days, they, they sat around and that's how they engaged. Men are actually wired to engage side by side one, because when you are out in the hunt, you had someone on your shoulder. Two is because generally when you were face to face with another man, it was for a conflict. So guys do find it a little bit more difficult, but it, that's not the point. The point is you should be able to do that, but you still want to create a safe space for both of you.
Speaker 1 00:09:23 You can work out what works between the two of you, right? Yeah. Bring in your compassion in that moment. If your partner says, I'm not comfortable face to face, okay, they're saying, I care enough to tell you that's not going to work. So see the intention behind that comment and adjust for them, right? I mean, a hundred
Speaker 2 00:09:38 Percent
Speaker 1 00:09:39 Even, you know, it's funny because when you first raised that, I just digressed for a second. When you first raised that side by side thing with me a while ago and you told me about it, and the front to front for women was actually because we were debating over how we would sit on the podcast.
Speaker 2 00:09:54 Yeah, yeah, true, true <laugh>. And
Speaker 1 00:09:56 I said, I wanna sit front to front. And you were like, nah, side to side, side to side for sure.
Speaker 2 00:10:01 We don't actually have a a an ex like we have to do, we have to do, we're sort of side by side half facing each other now just 'cause where we're situated. I'm still building the podcast studio, so
Speaker 1 00:10:12 It's a coming, it's coming.
Speaker 2 00:10:13 <laugh>, <laugh>.
Speaker 1 00:10:14 But uh, yeah, it is interesting. And, and of course I know that side by side for you felt more comfortable, but funnily enough, the more podcasts we've done, you've actually come back and said, I can't wait to go face to face.
Speaker 2 00:10:26 Well, 'cause that's how I feel. It's easier to have a conversation. Yeah. That way. Uh, you know, it'll also help with our sort of our microphone discipline and stuff like that. But the, the listeners don't wanna hear about that <laugh>.
Speaker 1 00:10:38 Alright, getting back to what these characteristics look full presence, active listening, again, agreeing between the two of you, what that looks like. What is active listening according to, um, what you can manage and what's comfortable for you. Meaningful conversation. This means sharing deeper things, deeper thoughts, deeper feelings, deeper experiences, not just depending on casual conversation that doesn't get below the surface and doesn't give, give you a chance to be vulnerable. Meaningful conversations will have a large element of vulnerability in them. Uh, bringing laughter and plainness into the conversation can be a really nice characteristic, characteristic of quality time. It again, laughter and playfulness is a, is a vulnerable state showing empathy and support. That is a key characteristic of, of a quality, of quality time being shared between two people. You know, we build a, a bond through empathy and support and, and the connection when we, when we show empathy and support.
Speaker 1 00:11:34 So a really important characteristic of what quality time can look like. And the last, um, characteristic that I just outlined now is mutual respect. So if you want to, if you want to have a look and see whether you are spending quality time in a moment with your partner, consider whether you are showing respect for them, them in, in that moment. Are you listening to their opinion? Are you open to their opinion? Are you open to them sharing their experiences? Or are you potentially not deliberately being open in that moment? So mutual respect would mean that openness, that that willingness to show respect for your partner's, ideas, experiences, opinions, et cetera, need to share whatever it is.
Speaker 2 00:12:16 Yeah, that all makes a lot of sense. And I guess by definition of the word quality, we're really looking at, well, it should have some benefits, right? And I think we all know there's a lot of benefits to something with quality. And we, we often say we wanna spend time together, but no, you actually wanna spend quality time together. Some of the benefits include deepening that emotional connection and, you know, Kim just talked about em, empathy and support and that mutual respect. Well, that's part of it, you know, deepening that mo emotional connection between the two of you. It, it means you're generally focusing on each other. You're not focusing on anyone else. You are giving a person a part of you and your time. You know what this does? It helps the other person understand where you are coming from, your thoughts, your feelings, your needs, and your desires. And I guess in a a romantic relationship, one of the most important things is a deep emotional connection.
Speaker 1 00:13:14 Yeah. The emotional connection is really, uh, something that you see in the team space that obviously is like the platform for what we're doing here, teaching people how to become a team in their relationship. Because when you deepen your emotional connection, what you're actually doing is creating that foundational sense of safety. So you are saying, we are deeply connected and I feel safe with this person. I'm safe to share with them, I'm safe to be open to them. And that creates that real team mentality as well. So there's that safety and team are added benefits of deepening that connection. When we're a team, as we've highlighted before in other podcasts, we, we look at our partner differently. So one of the knock-on effects of this is when we feel like we're in a team, we actually look at our partner through the lens of team. So we, we, we reduce the idea that they're an adversary and we increase the idea that they're on our team, they've got our back. So all of those things sort of flow out of that deepening emotional connection.
Speaker 2 00:14:12 Oh, I absolutely love that, Kim, because you know, the world's really tough, you know, life's hard. And if we can keep on coming back to that quality time, that safe space, we've created that sense of safety, we've got with our partner, we can recharge, we can reflect, we can ooh, yes, we can feel better and then we can go out and and hit the world again. Oh
Speaker 1 00:14:31 My God, I have never heard the word recharge in this space. And I love that. It is kind of like when you've got that safe space, they are kind of like a bat, I mean battery pack, I'm gonna say, right? Like, or a charger, I don't know. Now I'm showing my age, a phone, a phone
Speaker 2 00:14:45 Sweaty. You charge your phone every single
Speaker 1 00:14:48 Day. <laugh>, no rechargeable batteries. Raj <laugh>.
Speaker 2 00:14:50 Yeah, you can <laugh>. It's like something you carry around all the time and use and then you go and you, okay, okay. And you charge it again <laugh>. Okay. Um, I think another, another great benefit of quality time is it helps you stay up to date with your partner. So one of our most popular episodes of this potty is episode 19, how do we embrace change in your relationship? And the point of that episode was that we are constantly changing as individuals through our various stages of life. And so when someone says, oh, you know, my partner, they're just not the person that they used to be, you know, or they're not, the person I fell in love with was like, well yeah, that's true, but they shouldn't be, we shouldn't be the same people we were 10 years ago and we hope we're not the same people now as in 10 years time, you know, we want to grow, we want to be better people. And I think the problem is, is that we're not staying up to date on each other. We're not asking those searching questions, we're not being attuned to what lights them up, what brings 'em joy, what upsets them or how we can support their needs. And by having quality time together, having that deep connection, you know, providing that empathy and support and having those searching questions, we start to become, we understand how our partner's changing and we can reflect that within the relationship.
Speaker 1 00:16:15 Yeah, I think this one's super important because as we highlighted on that change episode, we did, if we don't change, if we don't change with our partners or, or recognize our partners change and acknowledge it and grow with them into the new person that they're becoming and evolving into, we will drift apart because the foundation of the relationship has fundamentally moved. That person is no longer the person that we met. And I know that sounds super scary to people, but it's not. We all evolve. This is a natural part of life. I do not wanna be the same person I was at 25 or at 20 or at 30 or at 35, and we won't go any further <laugh>. And do you know what I mean? Like you, it's embracing change is a beautiful thing. It's about acknowledging that your partner is evolving and growing through time as they do. And you wanna be there for that. And you wanna be there for what they need now, not what they needed five years ago. You wanna be there to embrace the good and the hard now, not what it was, you know, 10 years ago. So yeah, I think that's a really important word. Well,
Speaker 2 00:17:14 That, that drift happens bit by bit as well. It happens so slowly, like a, a trickle filling up a dam, a drop by drop filling up a dam. And so it just gets away from you when, when you're having your busy life where all of a sudden it's like one month, two month, three month, four month. Wait a second. When's the last time we had a deep conversation and call it time together? Oh, maybe it was back in, you know, a year and a half ago, 18 months ago where we had that
Speaker 1 00:17:41 Time together. But you can guarantee in that 18 months, one of the partners at least has been thinking things about the relationship.
Speaker 2 00:17:48 Oh no doubt that
Speaker 1 00:17:50 Hasn't been voiced. One of the reasons you wanna stay up to date, right?
Speaker 2 00:17:52 Yeah. And a great segue from that is obviously the more quality time you spend together, the more you communicate and then the more effective that communication becomes. You know, we have to communicate in a meaningful way to get meaningful matters and meaningful subjects spoken about. You know, and and not only that is what we find is the better we become at communicating because we're doing it more, the less likely we're going to have those really big fights or those really big disagreements. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:18:24 The research does show that couples that spend quality time together are actually better at conflict resolution. And it's a no-brainer with what you're saying, Raji. You're practicing how to communicate, how to talk and then on top of that, because you've got that deeper connection and what I was saying before, you seeing things through the team lens, it's all building up in your favor, right? These are all building to, it's, I mean, relationships are a momentum gatherer. The more you do for them, the more they do for you. It's such a beautiful thing. So yeah, absolutely. Uh, building a more effective communication just has multiple knock-on effects, including being better at conflict resolution. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:19:02 And the other thing we get out of, uh, quality time together is personal growth because you do spend a lot of time around your partner, but if unless you're spending quality time around your partner, you're not engaging in those meaningful activities or discussion that can lead to personal growth from both partners. Because through our conversations with our partner, through the good, the meaningful conversations with our partner, not only do we learn about them, but we learn about ourselves as well. If we're just in our own echo chamber just thinking about what we care about or only, you know, looking on the internet or only looking at our couple of our friends for advice and feedback, we're gonna have a very narrow growth pathway of personal development. But if we're in a relationship with a strong partner and we're continuously pushing them and they're pushing us, we're gonna be a better person.
Speaker 1 00:19:54 Uh, this is such a big one for us. Uh, we, we challenge each other all the time with personal growth or personal development stuff. I am a big talker about this stuff. And al almost every morning at our morning catch up, I will bring something to the table and it can be super random, but I'm a thinker, right? If I watch something, it always triggers some sort of, you know, consideration of life or philosophical thought or whatever it is. Even last night I was watching the Tyson Fury documentary and I came in this morning hot with a lot of considerations, not so much, I mean, firstly I wanted to understand heavyweight boxing more 'cause that was strange to me that how it all worked. But I also was thinking about the way he had spoken about his mental health and how it showed up in the relationship and how we deal with mental health in relationships and, and the dynamics between him and his wife and blah, blah blah. And there was lots of things that we considered out of that that sort of spun out of that conversation around ourselves and our own relationship and all those sorts of things. So yeah, challenging one another, bringing personal development ideas like thoughts I'd had, I could have just left them where they were in my head. Could you
Speaker 2 00:21:05 <laugh>? No,
Speaker 1 00:21:06 Definitely not
Speaker 2 00:21:07 <laugh>. Oh my, oh you meant the audience. Okay. <laugh> <laugh>.
Speaker 1 00:21:12 Yeah. No, my thoughts never stay in my head. Uh, but it did, it did create a really, we had a really lovely conversation this morning
Speaker 2 00:21:20 And last, but definitely not least. And of course there are a heap of other benefits. We're just going through some of the key ones is when you spend quality time together and you're starting to get that deep emotional connection, you are more likely to have a stronger intimacy bond. And many couples wonder why they don't feel that sex drive anymore. And we even see couples who haven't had sex in years. And if you're not having quality time together, you know, what are the chances that you, both of you at the same time will feel like you're in the mood to be intimate with each other. And I think sharing these focus and undistracted moments, sharing these moments of growth, of development, of care for each other, well that's, for me that's what's called emotional foreplay. And I think emotional foreplay is the most important precursor to having an intimate bond with your partner.
Speaker 1 00:22:20 Yeah, we've got an episode coming up on this, uh, on, on the chemicals that we have. And I think really that's what we're talking about here is that in order to continue to feel desire and attraction towards your partner, especially for women, you, you have to be deepening the connection and bonding with that person. And so when you spend quality time with that person, you're really building that opportunity to build that desire and attraction and, and that intimacy that you're talking about, Roger.
Speaker 2 00:22:50 That's right. So as we move to the final part of our episode, what we're gonna do here is we can give you three tips on how to spend more quality time with your partner.
Speaker 1 00:23:00 Yes. Alright, let's kick off. Uh, the first tip would be scheduling it in and recognizing the importance of putting your relationship. First is the very first part of this. If you are still sitting on the fence with this, if you're thinking, I haven't got time for this, it's not, I'm not ready for it or my partner's not engaged, or whatever it is, this won't work. You can schedule it till the cows come home. You simply won't adhere to it. So you guys need to sit down and agree that this is a priority, that your relationship is a priority for you. And, and once you agree to that, you can start looking towards the calendar, the next big step in scheduling. And because I promised at the start we weren't gonna just tell you to magically find this time, the next big step is agreeing together what you're going to say no to, to make time for this relationship. So we spoke about this in episode 24 where we discussed how to find more time for your relationship. That you actually have to say no to certain things to be able to do the things you want. And this is exactly that situation. If you want to prioritize the relationship and prioritize quality time together, you're going to have to get your calendar out together and agree which bits you're going to say no to each of you and together as a couple. And then you are going to be able to schedule that time in together. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:24:29 That, that's the literal definition of prioritizing your relationship when you decide to put something, your relationship above something else that so that, that's prioritizing it. And of course the reason we're saying this when we talked about scheduling first up is we didn't want to be flippant at the start of this episode. We acknowledged how busy you all are and us as well and we know how hard it is. And that when someone says just create more time or move things around it, it not only seems impossible, it's actually impractical. By taking agency and saying no to something, you're actually empowering yourself to remove away from that fomo of that fear of missing out of like, oh, but I want to do that by saying no, I'm not going to do it and in fact I'm prioritizing my relationship. It's a big mental help as well to get over that initial step of yes, we're not gonna do a a a anymore so we can do B our relationship.
Speaker 1 00:25:24 Yeah. And when we schedule, we also wanna make it a reoccurring time. We wanna make this a habit, we want this to be a consistent part of the relationship, one-off quality times. And I think this is where a lot of couples, um, don't quite manage quality time the way that it is most effective in the relationship quality time in, in, in all the research. It needs to be a consistent present in the com, in the consistent presence in the relationship. Going away for a holiday is quality time. Absolutely. But if you do that once every six months and in between you spend no quality time together, it's not going to have the impact of spending deliberate quality time on a regular basis together. In fact, it will just highlight what you're missing in the relationship.
Speaker 2 00:26:10 I actually love that point sweetie. Uh, and of course planning is freedom. We always say it, you know, when you schedule and plan for something and you then don't need to worry about it anymore, it literally takes care of itself. Okay, so I guess tip number two for making sure you've got more quality time in your relationship is when you are having those conversations, when you are having those deep and meaningful conversations, having a structure to it. I've done a lot of self-exploration, personal growth over the last five years, but even when Kim and I are talking and we're trying to have those deeper meaningful conversations, which we have frequently, I still struggle when I'm put on the spot sometimes to come up. Kim will literally say and goes, alright Roger, I've come up with the last three questions about our lives and our dreams and us you come up with one and, and I've struggle a bit, but on episode 19 we all of the change episode, we also had five simple starter questions on our socials so you can check them out and they included what your perfect date would look like if we won lotto, what was the high and low point of your last month?
Speaker 2 00:27:17 And another example is what is something you learned from yesterday? These are simple prompter questions. So you don't sit there where you've decided to carve out time for your deep and meaningful or for your quality time conversation, but you don't know where to start. You don't know where to kick off.
Speaker 1 00:27:34 Yeah, these are great, uh, prompter questions and I'm a huge fan of proms, I think totally underutilized in life. They're like a leg up to get momentum on something. They take a bit of a pressure out of the situation. Those, those starter questions we had in, um, the slides for episode 19 that are on Instagram are great. But I would also recommend looking at regular questions that you repeat because answers change and it helps you to build answers change firstly, but also having regular questions helps you to build the habit more easily. Again, we're just lowering every time we wanna make a change in our lives, we wanna lower the resistance to that change. We wanna make it as fluid and easy as possible. And because we're wanting to build like a ritual habit around quality time so that it's something that happens regularly, consistently, we really wanna be looking at at what can give us the leg up and, and you can use simple prompter questions, you can use them daily. We use the same prompter questions every single morning of our life and have done so now, I don't know, at least two years, I'm gonna guess two
Speaker 2 00:28:39 To three years
Speaker 1 00:28:40 We've done it. Yeah, two to three years. Okay. There you go.
Speaker 2 00:28:42 And, and 'cause we're doing this at six in the morning when we're still having our coffee and our breakfast. It's really important 'cause it really does get those, I guess, juices flowing to have those important conversations.
Speaker 1 00:28:53 Yeah. We do what's called, we call a morning mindset. And just to give you an example, we have a series of five questions, but just to give an example, one of the questions we ask is, what is poking your goat, tickling your pickle or hairy and scary at the moment? So every day straight off the bat, we know exactly what's really running through each other's head. So as the day progresses and it gets busy stuff crops up or whatever, you can think back to that moment and say, ah, I know what's happening for that person. I know what's going on for today. Maybe they need a little bit extra support. Maybe, maybe I can give them a little bit of time here or take this off their plate or whatever it is. Right? You're going to understand it or you get to share what they're, what's lighting them up, what's exciting them at the moment, which builds connection in the moment. So prompter questions, repetitive ones daily can actually be a really great bonding exercise and a really nice release for the individual participating in the, well, not only you bonding with your partner, but you're being heard and seen straight up, which is lovely. Yeah,
Speaker 2 00:29:56 I think it would just, it makes it more accessible for people who aren't as, who aren't as able to, I guess go deep straight away. So they, which is
Speaker 1 00:30:05 Scary.
Speaker 2 00:30:05 Which is scary. So this takes us, you know, between 10, 15 minutes every morning, but you don't have to do it every morning. Just try and make it at least once a week or you can include this in one of your other quality time activities.
Speaker 1 00:30:20 Yep. Which brings us to our third suggestion for finding more quality time. And that is combining quality time with a shared interest or a shared activity. The, the joy of shared activities. And we talk like relentlessly about active dates 'cause they have so many benefits. And again, you'll hear them coming up in that episode. We've got on the chemicals that that show up in relationships. Uh, active dates when combined with the idea of quality time, make the quality time or or shared, sorry, I should say shared interests in those, in those active dates makes it highly motivating to attend and participate. So if you can find something that you're both interested in, you might not have ever done it before. Now you might not have any interest today. 'cause we talked about this, what about the couples that don't share interests? That's okay. Work out what you are both interested in and go after it.
Speaker 1 00:31:14 And you might have to try a few things, but if you find something you're both interested in, like Roger and I, we have lots of common interests running, um, wellbeing. So saing, um, kayaking, most of our stuff is active 'cause we are very active people. You take that date and you add in quality time. So I'm gonna go for a kayak, but then we buy a roll and we say, let's go and have a picnic for our lunch. And we stop somewhere for 20 to 30 minutes. We sit down and we just talk together over that picnic. So we've now had an active date together and we've had quality time on that date specifically intentionally set time to be putting the relationship first.
Speaker 2 00:31:52 Yeah, this is about efficiency. You've, you've all got busy schedules. It's very hard to find time for each other even when you say no to something to create that time. So if you want bang for buck, do something that you both enjoy or you think that maybe you both will enjoy. Trust me, if you go and do it with your partner, you're likely probably, you're probably likely to enjoy it anyway. And what's the worst thing that's happened? You don't enjoy it then just go and pick something else until you find something you do enjoy. And I love that. Um, it doesn't have to be an active date like Kim and I, it can be something like just reading a book together in the morning. Hugh Jackman and Deborah Lee, Deborah Lee Furnace wake up every single morning and read a book together in bed. And I think that's just a lovely way for them to connect. So Kim, what was your golden nugget from today's conversation?
Speaker 1 00:32:42 Um, oh God. I'm always so bad at these.
Speaker 2 00:32:46 I'll go first. Yeah, <laugh> mine was definitely, and I, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna go first 'cause I knew you would pick this one as well, is <laugh> is come together and decide what you, what each of you are gonna say no to. But take control yourself of what you'll say no to. Don't tell your partner what they're gonna say no to. You decide this is what I'm going to say no to. And they'll decide this is what I'm gonna say no to. So you can prioritize quality time in your relationship.
Speaker 1 00:33:15 I think for me, the gold nugget today is the knock on effect of everything we do for our relationship. The relationship does back for us. There's a real cycle at play. If you spend the quality time on your relationship, your relationship is going to feel better, it's going to be easier. And that's gonna make you wanna spend more quality time together. So it's about finding the, the, you know, we are teaching strategies and skills here to find momentum in your relationship. And I think that's a really beautiful thing.
Speaker 2 00:33:49 You are amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
Speaker 1 00:33:52 Feel out you're on a roll. If you want more living, the team life, relationship, insights and conversations, head over to Kim and roger.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
Speaker 2 00:34:03 And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
Speaker 1 00:34:11 Until next time, keep on living the team life.
