Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] Speaker A: Do you ever feel like there's just no time to properly connect with your partner? Between work, school, drop offs, appointments and basically keeping life running, connection often slips to the bottom of the list or gets saved for later. A later which, let's be honest, rarely comes. But here's the thing, staying connected does take time. It just doesn't mean magically conjuring up hours you don't have. It's about using the time you do have, but with more intention. In today's episode, we're sharing a simple but powerful rule based on the research from the Gottman Institute that helps busy couples reconnect through five simple touch points. These moments aren't about grand gestures, they're about building a habit of connection that fits into your life. Let's dive in.
[00:00:51] Speaker B: People were always telling us, you guys are such a team. And we began to realise this just isn't the case for most couples.
[00:00:58] Speaker A: But we knew from our own experience of turning our relationship into a team that change isn't just possible, it's inevitable. All you need is a little direction.
[00:01:06] Speaker B: So that's what we do on this show. We steer you in the right direction. We keep it simple. We show you why relationship struggles show up and how you can start changing your relationship today.
[00:01:16] Speaker A: And we bring the good stuff by turning information from leading relationship experts and evidence based research into easy to understand skills and tools that anyone can use.
[00:01:25] Speaker B: We also share insights from our own 23 years of experience together. And we chat with some incredible couples who offer their wisdom on relationships.
[00:01:33] Speaker A: If a better relationship is what you want, then get comfy, whatever tickles your pickle. As we prepare to dive into all things team.
[00:01:40] Speaker B: We're Kim and Rog and this is the Living the Team Life podcast.
So over the summer holidays, I was talking to a girlfriend, a couple who are friends of ours, but I was talking to the, the female partner and she was saying to me that she's struggling to connect with her partner. Not so much from the perspective of I don't know how to connect, but from the perspective of not having time. So she was saying, you know, you come home, they both work full time, you come home at the end of the day, they have two children they need to attend to. The children give the children love, energy, focus, and then by the time the children finally go to sleep, which as we know with young children can be quite late, and after a very drawn out process, whilst they examine every avenue of trying to stay awake, possible, there's nothing left. And so they're feeling like the time when they would imagine they would connect just isn't even an option for them. And she was saying, like, it felt as though she was saying it's quite hard because they don't know how to get out of this. They don't know how to move into a space where they have got time to connect.
[00:03:00] Speaker A: It wasn't even a question either. It was more of a statement like, we don't have time to connect because they were talking to us about the podcast.
[00:03:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:10] Speaker A: And, you know, another. Another one of our mates, partners was talking to the. About the podcast to us and said exactly the same thing. So this is, you know, this, this is a reoccurring theme. Not with just our friends, not just with us, with. Well, I think most couples. I fact, I look back at one of our most popular episodes and it was really about stress and time. And so I think that's one of the reasons we came to this today. It's just like, well, what is a massive pain point for people? What's a massive pain point? From the feedback we get from our friends and the feedback that you and I talk about to each other, I.
[00:03:43] Speaker B: Think especially with children, the stories were so similar. Children and parents who are working outside of the home. I think what I hear from parents that are staying in the home is not necessarily that sense of I need to give the kids quality time. I think that's the, the real bit there that a lot of couples are struggling with is that sense of, when I get home, I really want to be present for the kids, but by the time I'm done being present for them, there's just nothing left.
[00:04:15] Speaker A: That's why people say I'm at capacity, is because, well, I'm giving. I'm giving everything to my work. I'm giving everything to my kids, to solving all the problems of life.
And of course, you know, this whole podcast is about helping relationships thrive. And yet, well, how can I thrive when I don't even have time for my partner? And where am I going to get this magical time from? But this is a common problem. And I think we've heard these phrases all too often, all too much before. And I'm sure these will hit home for a lot of you. And some common signs about how this shows up of not having enough time to connect with your partner is we'll say things like, we're too exhausted at the end of the day to have a meaningful time together. Or we keep saying we'll plan a date night, but it never happens. Or after work, kids, chores, we have nothing left in the tank for each other. And last but not least, when we do get home, we just end up talking about life admin or scrolling on our phones. Look, we get it. This is not intentional. It's just that everything in our lives feels so much more urgent than us. And I guess the connection piece, we feel like we'll. We'll save that for later. We'll save that for down the track. And of course, what happens is that down the track goes from tomorrow, next week, next month, and years and years and years.
[00:05:34] Speaker B: Yeah, it's a really interesting one because I think it's not that people are ignoring it. They know it exists as well, which a lot of problems we don't even recognize for a long time. But this, this was the beautiful thing was both of these couples were saying to us, I see the problem. I just don't know how to deal with it. And I think the reason they saw the problem was they had seen the flip side. Before children, they had prioritized each other and had the space and time so that after work, time before kids, when you both get in the door is when you take the dog for a walk or when you cook dinner together. And you would have that connection piece. And so they're acutely aware of what is actually missing from the connection piece because they're on the other side of the coin now.
[00:06:21] Speaker A: Yeah, that's right. And look, I think people can see it niggling at the back of them because, you know, that's why they told us, because we've got a relationship podcast, so that sort of opens up and gives permission to people to talk about their relationships with us. Us and our friends have really good relationships.
[00:06:39] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:06:40] Speaker A: They just want to connect. They just don't know how they're going to find the time to do it.
[00:06:44] Speaker B: Absolutely. And I think the reason we brought it today was connection is such a big deal. If you want a good relationship, this is not a luxury. This is not something that can go to the bottom of the list. We talk to people about the fact that we had 10 years of a really hard work relationship. We've had more than 10 years now of an amazing relationship. And one of the things that you have to do to have a thriving relationship is be deliberate about doing love, about acting on the relationship. We've talked about even that concept of doing love before. In the podcast, you have to put the effort in to make the changes so that you're proactively supporting the health of the relationship. The unit itself, the actual relationship, which we've talked about before as well on a different podcast. As an entity you got to think about as its own little ecosystem. And that ecosystem has to be nurtured, it has to be loved, it has to be looked after. Because if you want that ecosystem to look after you in the harder times, you're going to have to look after it in the normal day to day times. And something that sprung to mind when I was thinking about relationships and, and not having time to connect and what happens when we don't have the time to connect. It might be a bit of a stretch, this analogy, but this is what came to my mind was when you have a really organized cupboard, right. So you've got good organizations like us, thanks to moi.
[00:08:16] Speaker A: That's right, yes.
[00:08:17] Speaker B: When you have a really organized cupboard and you have a really crap day and you are racing around the house and you've got to get out and you got to grab a few things for the kids, say you've got to find them quick and you've got to get out the door. If you go to that organized cupboard, you think, thank you, Jesus, or whoever is above there. Baby Jesus, Baby Jesus, thank you. Because I can now get out the door in the two seconds I have because the cupboard was organized. On another day, if you don't have an organized cupboard and you have your crappier day and so you don't have time to go and look for things and you open the cupboard door and you go, oh my God, I'm never gonna get what I need. And the stress builds even higher because there's no supporting system for you. There's no nice organized space or nurtured space that's going to take care of you in that busy moment. And you spend all this time in that busy moment and building all that stress trying to find things because you haven't created a habit that's going to support you when things are tough and you are really under the pump.
[00:09:22] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:09:23] Speaker B: And I don't know if that went a little off track. I mean.
[00:09:25] Speaker A: No, no, I totally get what you mean. Straight. Because look, you do, you do our, our folding and you do it on certain days and make it a habit. So that's, we know that's always going to be tidy. And so when where life is chaos and we can't find sheets, you know, or we can't find clothes or whatever, or we're in a rush, we go to the cupboard and everything's, everything's as it should be. But if you go there and that isn't done, we feel like chaos is meeting chaos and you and it just drains you and makes you stressed.
[00:09:57] Speaker B: So what we're saying, like, you know, I think about our daughter, you know, when she's really upset because something's not working and it needs batteries and we go to the cupboard and our utility cupboard is very organized. I can grab those batteries quick smart because she's going to need them. Right. If I can't, that's upset is going to escalate really fast.
[00:10:17] Speaker A: Roger, where are the batteries?
[00:10:19] Speaker B: Exactly, Exactly.
[00:10:21] Speaker A: No, you're right. And look, you know, and apart from having an unhappy child and unhappy partner, there are some consequences when we don't prioritize our time to connect, you know, and the number one is this. The relationship generally just slips to the bottom with the priority list and it does that by default, you know, and you start to interact with each other differently. So instead of being a team and partners and, you know, partners, in CR prime, you're more like co managers. It's like you're in a workplace together. And Kim and I know a lot about this because we, we do have to work hard to differentiate because we do work together on so many things of what is a connection time and what is a work time. The other thing is you stop learning about each other. What's changing, what's exciting, what's stressing them out. And what happens is that time, even though logistical time is really important in a relationship because it helps resolve friction, gets you on the same page be your time, you start spending too much time on that. And the only times you're together is when things are functional and, you know, but they're not fulfilling. And I think that's a really important point, is the time you spend with your partner needs to be more fulfilling than it is functional. But I think it's actually the other way around. The time we are currently spending with our partners is more functional, but it's not as fulfilling.
[00:11:35] Speaker B: In parent land 100, that is the biggest trap.
[00:11:38] Speaker A: Yeah. Once you're in parent land, it's very much like, what do I need to do to keep my child happy, healthy? What do I need to do to keep a roof over our head? And then down the bottom is what do I need to do to keep a connection with my partner? Look, these are just examples of what happens outside when we don't make time to connect. But you know, what's happening on the inside can be more damaging when we don't make time to connect with our partner. You know, you really have to Stay up to date on your partner. And if you're not, if you're not actually connecting, if you're not having that deep connection with your partner or taking that time, then you start to let slip the things you know about your partner. And I like to think this is about you and your partner have a relationship profile on each other. So, you know, think of it as a living, evolving profile. So if you're not regularly checking in with your partner through real conversation, that profile starts to become outdated. So instead of your Facebook profile, which you update regularly from, for example, You've got a MySpace profile of your partner you still think they're into. What are some things you were into in your early 20s, sweetie?
[00:12:46] Speaker B: Not MySpace, Britney Spears.
[00:12:47] Speaker A: Like low crop pants.
[00:12:49] Speaker B: I did like some tie up jeans at the front.
[00:12:52] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
[00:12:53] Speaker B: Sat just above my underwear line.
[00:12:55] Speaker A: And look, they could cycle through and it could come back in. But that's not the point. The point is if, yeah, I don't.
[00:13:00] Speaker B: Know if they'd look quite the same these days. I'm not gonna lie. I'm. I feel like I could be, you know, Kath and Kim. I could be Kim. Kim from Kim, you know, no comment.
[00:13:12] Speaker A: I'll walk past that one, Brittany.
But I guess the point is that if we don't keep our partner's profile updated, we stop getting on the same page. We stop, we stop knowing the things that are important about the things that are important to our partner. You know, we, we can also miss the signs of when they're struggling. We can.
And they'll stop feeling seen. They'll stop feeling understood, they'll stop feeling supported. And we can also be misaligned on big things like dreams or direction. And remember, we've said it once, we'll say it a hundred times. If you're not growing together, then you're likely growing apart.
[00:13:48] Speaker B: I love this idea of the relationship profile or your partner profile, whatever you want to call it, this idea of knowing that you're up to date on your partner's profile. And we've talked a lot about the fact that in a relationship it changes and evolves and, and there used to be. And I think this is changing a little bit. Thank God. This sort of social norm that was like in relationships, people would say we broke up because we changed, as if change had caused the breakup. But change did not cause the breakup. What caused the breakup is you didn't both grow into the change together. You didn't support each other through change. Because the fact is we change throughout our lives as humans. To expect our partner to stay the same is just entirely unrealistic. And all of the research, the psych research, talks about the way we change through the different stages of life. So obviously our partner is going to evolve and we're going to have to evolve with them and, and our relationship will. Will change and have different iterations as well. But if you're not touching base and you're still seeing them as the person they were even five years ago, that's just unrealistic. You're not keeping up with them. So as you said, Rog, if you're not growing together and supporting the change and getting to know your partner as they evolve incrementally, you will be growing apart.
[00:15:12] Speaker A: Yeah. Curiosity is connection. And if we don't make the time to connect, then we're not getting curious about our partner, which means we're not staying up to date with who they are, what they want out of life, and what they need as a partner, which means we're going to have misaligned expectations, which means their expectations aren't going to be met. And look, the impact on this isn't subtle either, I think, you know, over time, when we let this behavior becomes the norm, we find that there's a loss of emotional intimacy, you know, because you stop sharing the real stuff. We start living parallel lives again because we're like ships in the night under the same roof. Housemates. I think a lot of us have heard that term from friends before. I feel like we're housemate mates. And then resentment builds, and that can be really dangerous. Small frustrations grow into big gaps. And, you know, I think what often happens, you start to seek that connection elsewhere, whether in the office, work, through friendships, or even online.
So one of our favorites is Dr. Stan Tatkin. We love some of his concepts. And the way he looks at.
[00:16:18] Speaker B: At relationships really comes from a team perspective.
[00:16:21] Speaker A: He's a big one on the team perspective, and this is a great quote from him. Secure, functioning couples put their relationship first, not because it's convenient, but because it's necessary. They understand that if they take care of the relationship, the relationship will take care of them. What does this mean to you, sweetie?
[00:16:40] Speaker B: I think this is such a great quote. And this really goes to that idea I was talking a little bit about before, which is the relationship is its own entity. It's its own unit. And we love to give the analogy of thinking about a business unit in this space. You know, the reality is a business looks after the business first because all the employees Benefit when the business thrives. If the business fails, there are no jobs for the employees. So in the home unit, if the relationship is failing, the individuals within it are definitely not happy. When the relationship is succeeding, the individuals are going to succeed. And to break that down a bit further, like what I said about the chaotic cupboard, these are habits, right. When you have good habits in place, like an organized cupboard is a habit, when you go there on a stressful day, it makes the stressful day easier because the habits you've fallen back on are, well, I have an organized cupboard, and that's going to support me through this stressful day. In a relationship, if you haven't created the habit of connection and nurtured that relationship on a stressful day, you're not going to have anything to fall back on because the relationship is already at its maximum. How are you going to lean into your partner and ask for their support when that's not your habit, that's not what you've been doing? It's going to feel outside of the norm of the relationship. It's going to ask a lot more of the relationship on a day that the, the relationship doesn't even have it, you don't have it to give. So when we nurture the entity, when we take care of the relationship itself, on those days when things are really hard, the relationship's going to be there for you. You're going to have those habits in place to support you. It's going to be normal for you to connect. So when you're struggling, and this shows up for us quite a lot, you know, on the rougher days, I know how to lean in and connect with you and get what I need in that moment to support me through emotionally and mentally, because that's a habit for us. We've nurtured that in our relationship. Our relationship has that foundation.
[00:18:38] Speaker A: We've made connection a habit.
[00:18:39] Speaker B: We've made connection a habit. Correct. And so as a result, it supports me or you on a hard day right back at me. So it's that, it's that loop effect, really. You support the relationship, and on a, on a rough day, the habits you've created to support that relationship will support you right back.
[00:18:58] Speaker A: Yeah, Your relationship. And when we say entity, it's a living, breathing thing, right. It needs to be nurtured, needs to be taken care of. And if you need to take care of something, you need to prioritize it. But again, as straight off the top, we said, this is not what's happening to people because they're prioritizing everything else. And then when we say, well, what do you do when you want to prioritize something? You schedule it in or to schedule something, you don't need to have time. And I think this is the big problem we're talking about here today. So how do you have time to take care of your relationship entity to find time to connect?
[00:19:30] Speaker B: Yeah. I actually have a sneaking suspicion everyone listening to this up until this point will be thinking, you are not telling me anything. I don't know.
Give me the solution.
[00:19:40] Speaker A: That's right. And that's what we're going to get to now because we believe there is a. There is a solution to this. And it's called the five touch points of connection. This is simple. It's. These are realistic connection habits that help couples stay close even when life is full. So the reason this works is actually based on research because research shows us that happy couples spend five hours per week connecting. Now, hold on. Don't freak out. You don't need to press pause and rewind. I said it. Happy couples spend at least five hours connecting. But this is totally.
[00:20:14] Speaker B: Don't turn us off.
[00:20:15] Speaker A: Don't turn us off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like too lucky. Don't throw your phone out of the car. Yeah, they're expensive. It's not like the old tape deck where you could throw it out. You know, it is. This is possible, we promise you, and we're going to take you through it.
[00:20:28] Speaker B: Now, I think good piece of research by Gottmans again, who we talk a lot about here, that, that, that for couples to be happy and have this sense of emotional connection that they need that five hours a week together. And I think once we break that down, it'll make a lot more sense and it'll. And it'll feel doable.
[00:20:51] Speaker A: Yeah. Because, you know, this is about making connection a habit. And once we talk you through this, you understand it is possible. Because if we just said to you, look, guys, Gottman says five hours per week. That's what the research says. That's what you need to do.
[00:21:04] Speaker B: Good luck.
[00:21:04] Speaker A: You wouldn't even try. Like, you know, And I think that's what most couples don't. They don't try because it feels impossible. Sometimes it's even a bit of an all or nothing. It's like, oh, well, I can't get my five hours. Why should I even try for five minutes? You know? But we're going to give you a simple process to follow, and we'll do it on these five Touch points of connection so they're easy to remember. And of course we'll put this up on our toolkit website. Was available to all our subscribers.
[00:21:30] Speaker B: All right, let's start with touch point number one, the two minute wake up moment. This is about starting your day in a shared headspace, understanding where your partner's at, where you're at and just connecting before the rush begins. This is such an easy habit to create because you're already sleeping in the same bed mostly if you haven't had a rough night with the children, one's, you know, downstairs on a mattress and whatever else, one's in bed with the kids. Most mornings you're going to wake up in the same bed. You roll over and just spend 120 seconds. That's all it is. Just hold your partner's hand, say good morning to them, ask them about how they slept. That's it. Really simple, really light. You don't even have to talk if you don't want to. Just roll over and lay on their shoulder. This is not about talking about tasks but just about connecting. And some of the things you could say to each other as examples would be I'm really glad I get to wake up next to you or I've got you today. We're in this together. A little bit of a team rally cry.
[00:22:34] Speaker A: I love this because you're still waking up, you're seeing each other and it's just a nice way to start the day.
Yeah, it's just a nice way to start today together. So. All right, touch point two, the five minute morning check in. This is shifting from partners in chaos to partners who are on the same page. Now why does this matter? Because Gottman actually also found that couples who talk about the day before it happens feel more supported, more connected and less stressed. They're on the same page. This isn't just about a lit logistics alone though, even though the point of it is to get on the same page with logistics. So you know, it's a middle, it's a, it's a mini stand up meeting if you've done them at, at work, but with a bit of an emotional turn. So you can do this over coffee, you know, putting the pot on together while getting dressed, packing lunches. Ask about each other's day both practically and emotionally. What have you got on today? Who's doing what with the kids? How can we, how can we help each other? And, and if you've got the time and we recommend you do is just, you know, share a bit of Genuine gratitude to each other. Thank you so much for always doing this. You know, I really appreciate it. Appreciate it when you do that. And some other prompts are, is like, what's the biggest thing on your plate today? Because that's, that's showing you see your partner, anything coming up that you're not looking forward to or thanks again for handling school pickup yesterday. I really appreciate it. And look, here's a pro tip. If the morning gets messy. Leave a voice note on WhatsApp or send a couple of texts to each other throughout the morning.
[00:24:03] Speaker B: Oh, that's clever. I think something I just want to pick up on what you said there was both practical and emotional. And we do this every morning. Ours is probably like a, a more intense version of this because we've been practicing it for so long. We've been doing this for six years now. Our morning mindset, we go through a series of questions. It's five questions. We ask each other. We give answers every single morning. They have a sort of practical tone to them in that you. We would find out if something was happening for each other and what was coming up for each other on that day, how we were feeling about yesterday sort of thing. But they're also emotionally minded, like checking in where you're at, what's weighing on you, what are you, you know, excited about, what's gene you up? And it's a really great way to connect at the start of the day. And you definitely feel like you're starting out on that day as a team.
[00:24:50] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think this is, you know, we try to give a lot of scripted prompts to people on our website in these shows. That's because Kim and I use them. And that's because a lot of relationship experts give them to their clients to use to help them get in touch with each other.
[00:25:07] Speaker B: All right, touch point three. The ten minute reunion reset. This is shifting back from me mode, which you would have been in during the day, getting on with your day, going to work, doing all the things that need to be done, dropping the kids at school, picking them up, shifting from me mode back to we mode. And why this matters is that you need to set the emotional tone of the entire evening of the way you connect when you first get home. Now, I've seen some reels on, on the Internet recently that have been showing a couple who were saying, coming in the door and dumping your stuff is actually reality. You know, there's this debate at the moment going on between I should walk in and always give my partner a Kiss and a hug. We totally get it. If you can't do it in the first five minutes while you're dumping the stuff, that's all right. Do it 10 minutes after you've landed through the door. I agree with both camps. If you can do it when you walk in the door, great. If you can't, don't worry about it. Do it when you can. It's not reality that parents walk in empty handed and can necessarily do things all the time. They're usually dumping bags and getting lunch boxes out and all the rest.
[00:26:13] Speaker A: Yeah, create the habit. So if you're not, if you need five minutes to calm down or to settle your nervous system when you get through the door, and then you also need to help support your partner and handle the kids for 20 minutes, go do that. But then make a, make it a rule. Make it a habit that you go while one of you is making dinner or you get a cup of tea or a glass of wine and you do it.
[00:26:36] Speaker B: A great way to create this habit is boiling the kettle. If you go over to the kettle and flick it on after you've gotten the door and you've dumped your stuff and your partner comes up standing by the kettle, the kids have run off to their bedrooms to get their toys or whatever it is they're doing.
The kettle takes almost five minutes to boil. You've got half of it done there. Just flick the kettle on, stand at the kettle together, help each other. One can grab the tea bags, one can grab the cups and. And then sip your tea together for five minutes. That's it. That's your 10 minutes done. Not only will you have the connection point with each other, you will because making a tea is actually really mindful. Drinking tea is really mindful. So start with boiling the kettle. If you don't get to it, then get to it. When it's time to prepare dinner, pour it. Pour a wine for the two of you and make a connected, a concerted effort to stay together physically in that space whilst you drink the wine over the next 10 to 30 minutes, depending how much you like wine and, and chat to each other whilst one's chopping or one's prepping or you're both prepping together. Something like that.
[00:27:39] Speaker A: 100% sweet. I love that one. I was going to say my kettle and my, my tea looks more like a bottle of red and a wine glass, but you got there. So point four, the 10 minute pre bed wind down. This is about closing the day off together with emotional presence and no talk Logistics and why this matters is because most of the time we end the day staring at our phones, running through to do lists or falling asleep mid conversation or during a Netflix.
This touchpoint creates a moment of stillness, reflection and reconnection. It's about end the day on the same page as a team, not in a parallel universe and remember how we started the day. We're also ending the day that way. So how do we do it? Phones down, light slow. Just be present. No problem solving or admin, just curious curiosity and connection Offer one moment of affection or appreciation before sleep. And look, I will say Kim does come to me with a few problems that need solving before bed.
[00:28:44] Speaker B: But or great ideas or great ideas.
[00:28:47] Speaker A: It will often be like bear, I've got this great idea. And I was like, all right.
[00:28:51] Speaker B: I don't say great usually at the front end of it.
[00:28:54] Speaker A: I think you do.
But sometimes I will have to say to to you like oh, tomorrow. And then we talk about anyway. But you know, I ADHD brains don't hear tomorrow.
[00:29:06] Speaker B: You want me to cycle on this solo for the rest of the night?
[00:29:08] Speaker A: Yeah, but that's the point.
[00:29:09] Speaker B: We get on my back, buddy. We're taking the ride together.
[00:29:13] Speaker A: So here are some prompts for that conversation before you go to sleep. What was something unexpected that happened today? What's something I did this week that made you feel loved? If we were to teleport anywhere in the world tonight, just us, where would we go?
[00:29:27] Speaker B: Oh, that's cute.
[00:29:28] Speaker A: And here's a pro tip. This is your emotional cool down, not a to do list or a feedback session.
[00:29:33] Speaker B: Oh, I like that. The emotional cool down. That's really good. Okay, so you might not have done the maths on this, but I'll do it for you. We've had four touch points so far. The first was two minutes at wake up in in bed. Five minutes over your breakfast or your coffee. Ten minutes when you get home at the end of the day to set the tone for the evening and 10 minutes in bed in the evening.
If you do that every day, there's seven days in the week that will add up to three hours worth of time together. So you've done 60% of your time already. Three out of the five. And I just want to make another point on those. All those examples were supported by the environment. So we really want you to understand that habits are really, really well supported by the environment. You set up two of them. We suggested you do in bed. That's so easy. You're in bed anyway, so it's so much easier. That's why we said like if you want to do the 10 minute one, do it by the kettle. You set the space well, that's the tone for it and you create that habit. So just keep in mind, environment's very supportive for habits. All right, so we've got our three hours done. You're wondering how am I going to get another two hours in? Surely I don't have any time for that.
This is the deep work. This is the stuff that really allows you to dig under the surface. And as Rog said at the beginning, update your partner profile. Right? It's not just the emotional touch point in the day, it's the deeper stuff as well. So Gottman found that planned quality time, which is this deep time we're talking about, really strengthens emotional trust in relationships and it reignites attraction and helps couples to feel like a team again. We definitely find that if we have a great date, you do feel more attracted to your partner because you feel more connected to them. You've got all those good hormones we've talked about and making the love drugs work for you, flooding through your system. So lots of vasopressin for guys, oxytocin, some good mood stabilizer in there, serotonin, you know, you're kicking it all on anyway. Touch point five, two hours. Where are you getting it? We've broken it down into four examples because we know that 12 hour date is probably hard. If you can manage 12 hour date, dinner, movie, picnic, dancing, cooking classes, do something fun, do something new. We know that that kicks off a different type of hormone which is going to connect you in a different way.
The other option would be, other options would be two one hour blocks. So you could say we're going to go for a walk, that goes for 60 minutes or you could say we're going to do some hobby we have together for 60 minutes. You might, I don't know, you might knit together, I don't know what, or.
[00:32:11] Speaker A: Just board game or something.
[00:32:12] Speaker B: A board game like we board games and we'll do 60 minutes of that sometimes, which we absolutely love. A little bit competitive but it's very enjoyable. If you haven't got two one hour blocks, what about four 30 minute mini dates? You wander up the street and grab a coffee. If you walk up the street with the dog, grab a coffee and walk home. Beautiful. What a beautiful time together. You could play a card game, you could share your playlist together, sit down and, and go through some music together. If you really love your Music, something like that. Another option is and, and you can do this for 30 minutes or two hours depending on, on how your household looks, is to get the kids a pizza in a movie, get some wine, light some candles and you can have a date time while they're having some downtime and a bit of a special treat. So if you do get to that two hour date, which we really hope you do because that deep work is really important, whether it's in two hours, two one hour blocks, four 30 minute mini dates, whatever. Some of the prompts that we suggest that could bring a more curious aspect to the conversation and really deepen your connection is something like what's something you want us to try for the first time this year? Or what's one small thing I do that makes you feel cared for? Or tell me something about you I don't know? Or maybe you think I've forgotten. Oh, and pro tip on this one, rotate who plans the date each week. So both partners share ownership.
[00:33:36] Speaker A: Yeah, that's a ripper, sweetie. And look, we've taken you through these five touch points and why they work is because they're realistic. You're actually not adding any time in, you're not trying to squeeze in time, you're redirecting it, you're habit stacking it. And James Clear talks about this. The easiest way to create a new habit is attach it to one that.
[00:33:56] Speaker B: You'Ve already got, hence the environment stuff. Already waking up every morning, aren't you?
[00:34:02] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, so going, you know, if you're going to, waking up at the same time, going to bed at the same time, we're all, we're, we're habit stacking our, you know, those, those minutes onto there, those times of connection onto there. They're also flexible. And I think that's the big thing is do what works for you. Just set up the habit so it's repeatable and it becomes automatic through the chaos.
[00:34:23] Speaker B: Yeah, and I think the last thing we want to leave you guys with is, is a repetitive message from us. And, and Gottman talks about this at length. Strong relationships aren't built on the big grand gestures. So connecting once every six months whilst you're on holidays, that's just not realistic. They're built on the everyday habits of showing up for each other. That includes the 30 minute date or the deeper work. Because the reality is we need to do these things over and over again to experience a deepening and a connect and a growth in the relationship and to stay up to date with each other. We need to be consistent in when we show up. So it's not the big things that matter. It's not the once in six months. It's the smaller stuff, which really should come as a relief to everybody because it's actually easy to do. Once you put the habits in place, it just becomes normal life. After a while.
[00:35:21] Speaker A: You'Re amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:35:24] Speaker B: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more Living the Team Life relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:35:35] Speaker A: And if you liked today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:35:43] Speaker B: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
