Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: A relationship health check. It sounds a bit scary and to be honest, it kind of is, but only at first. It's actually a really powerful tool that allows us to be clear on where we are each at in the relationship. So we thought, given we talked to you guys about relationships all the time, that it's only fair to take you behind the scenes of one of our relationship health checks.
Get ready, because this is a no holds barred conversation on where we are really at and how we truly each feel about our relationship today.
Hey, we're Kim and Rog, and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:42] Speaker B: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should. We think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:51] Speaker A: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:01:00] Speaker B: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house stripping business, we've achieved some big dreams. And most importantly, we feel fulfilled in having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:08] Speaker A: Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts, and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:18] Speaker B: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfort in whatever tickles you pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
[00:01:34] Speaker A: Okay, so today on the podcast, we are going to do a, what we call a relationship health check. These are the sort of things that you would do, not necessarily every week. This isn't that sort of conversation. It's a more of a, I don't know. If I had to give a number, you might do this every couple of months. It's a larger check in. It's at a broader level. You ask questions you might not ask all the time. You definitely are going to be having check ins weekly with your partner. They look different to what this does. They might include some of this stuff as you go along the way. You would hope you're unpacking things and discussing things as you go along the way. But this is a targeted point in time that, as I say, you might do bi monthly, for example, where you say, let's ask some of those bigger questions and you don't have to come up with these questions. On your own, either. You can get these from a plethora of sources, relationship experts. There's lots of examples online. Let's just pull some of those questions and ask them to each other and see where we're each at. Because we don't know what we don't know. We might think we know where our partner is at. We might think we know where they feel the relationship is at, and it might not be there. Even if we're checking in daily, there can be bigger stuff. Even our partners, as we ask the question, they might only in that moment become conscious of what the answer to that question is and say, oh, wow, actually, something is coming up for me. When you say that. I mean, that happens to people quite a lot when they're asked more deeper questions that they perhaps haven't had time to think about themselves or tap into what's actually happening behind the scenes for them.
[00:03:13] Speaker B: Yeah, I think a lot of these questions are not your standard questions that you'd ask your partner. I think these will be very foreign to some of you, but they're so powerful. I think bimonthly is a great idea, especially because you'll get used to asking these questions. You'll become more fluent in them. And really, these questions are about you and your partner in the relationship. Often when we talk to our partners, we're talking about, I guess, external factors, mostly how the kids going, what's, you know, how are you going at work? I'm here to support you. What can we do for each other? This is more about how are we doing? How's the relationship doing?
[00:03:55] Speaker A: And also, I think, rogie, on that point, it's about what might be bubbling away at the back, out of your conscious brain, though. Like the subconscious stuff, do you know what I mean? Stuff that you might not even be aware of yourself, but it might be coming out in your feelings in the relationship, for example, which can be quite.
[00:04:12] Speaker B: Hard to articulate until someone actually asks you and prompts you with the questions, saying, you know, let's have a look at this and let's have a look together. And that's the whole point, these questions you ask each other. And so what Kim and I are going to do now is we're going to model this. So, one, we haven't gone through these questions. We're going to actually ask these questions to each other.
I guess it's not live, but it's unscripted. We're just going to say what's from our hearts, what flows and what's real. So hopefully, you can take, you know, that we are being vulnerable in this moment as it is. Hopefully this is something that you can send to your partner and get them to listen because, yeah, I get it could be scary, but I think you'll find listening to Kim and I that, oh, that wasn't too bad. That wasn't as scary as I thought. And if they can do it, then we can do it. And we definitely think you can.
[00:05:08] Speaker A: All right, well, with that, let's kick straight off, Roger, and I'm going to throw one to you first so that you can start our first question. We've got five questions today. I'm not sure. Did you say that? You probably did. We've got five questions today, in case you didn't. And I was listening.
The first question, do you feel like we are maintaining a balance between togetherness and individuality?
[00:05:32] Speaker B: It's a really good question. And we've talked a bit about this recently on the podcast in terms of codependence and interdependence and the relationship being an ecosystem and everything I do will impact you, whether I mean it to or not.
You know, and Esther Perel just did a lot of work on this. So I think. I think togetherness is never not a problem for us, but we work on it a lot. I think individual, individually, I feel maybe that I'm not being able to express myself fully, but that's nothing. That's not an issue from the relationship. I think you and I are very supportive of how we do things. So if I want to watch a footy game or if I want to do my weights by myself or put my headphones in or go do something manly like cut down a tree like I did the other day, you're always very supportive of that, even though it wasn't part of our plan. I just wanted to cut down a tree to be manly, but, you know, just the way our lives are, because we are at the moment our little ones struggling a little bit. And as a result, Kim and I have chosen together to put her first and put us first before going out and seeing our friends. So, yeah, I think individually, maybe I'm not getting the outlet I'd like right now, but I'm. That's. I feel you and I have been pretty deliberate choosing that. And then, you know, I think after, I think next year, that's something that you and I can definitely work on when we feel the time's right.
What about you, sweetie? Do you feel like we're maintaining a balance between togetherness and individuality?
[00:07:13] Speaker A: I think I feel pretty similarly to you. I think we are not maintaining a balance in reality. Our togetherness. You know, the maths part of me just says, well, what ratio is togetherness and what ratio is individuality? And I would say we are much higher in the togetherness space, and that's because of the circumstances we're in at the moment and the struggles that our little one is struggling is having and the deliberate decision we made to double down on focusing on our family.
And I think the truth is, the answer is no. We do not have a balance between those two right now, but we do have a plan to get more balance. So I would say that that's how I feel is. And I think now I'm clear that we both feel that way, that it doesn't exist right now, but we do have a plan to work towards getting more balance between those two things.
[00:08:17] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that's definitely something. Maybe as a watch point, we can carry that question again over to our next.
[00:08:23] Speaker A: I like that. I think it's important. Right, because the balance isn't there.
[00:08:26] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. It's like a work in progress. And we'll go, oh, we'll have an update for you in two. Two months.
All right, so question number two of our team life relationship health check in or check up.
How are we handling the external stresses in our life?
How are we handling them?
[00:08:49] Speaker A: I'll go with the US first, then, because it says we.
I think we're handling them very well. We have a lot going on at the moment in terms of change in our lives. And I think we. And we've had a lot of challenges arise this year that were unexpected, as they do in family life. Certain things that. Problems that come up, issues that come up, progress problems. And obviously being carers, you know, a lot of our.
A lot of the stuff we are working on relates to that space. And I would say if I think about how we handle it, are we coming together, united to move forward in these challenges, or do we divide and not be too weird, but harness the power of the team?
And I think we have absolutely lent in on the team for the. In recent times, I feel that we've been very team focused, and I think we've been handling the stresses as best as we physically, mentally, humanly can. And a lot of that has become. Has come from our open communication, I would say has been a huge strength in this space. What do we need? How stressed out are we feeling? Our open communication, not just our openness. The dedicated time we've had to communicate. So we communicate in bed every night pretty much. And it actually is very relaxing for someone like me with an ADHD brain. I get to have that conversation with you, we get to talk through our stuff, and then I can go to sleep knowing that I'm sharing that with a partner.
[00:10:36] Speaker B: I'm sitting there going, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
No, I put my headphones in after and that gets me.
[00:10:43] Speaker A: I put my headphones in and she.
[00:10:44] Speaker B: Just talks away and I just node, I love you, baby.
[00:10:49] Speaker A: So, yeah, I think we're handling the external stresses very well because we are openly communicating. We're making dedicated time and routines to check in with each other. And the other third part, I would say that the reason I would say we're handling them so well is we're making time for exercise and making that a priority for each of us. And we're exercising together as well. And that has been an absolute lifesaver for us through some really tough weeks. Getting out there, getting the body moving and just. Just releasing some of the stress from our physical form, just taking some of the tension out of our muscles, taking some of the tension out of our brain. Yeah, it's been really good. What about you? How do you think we are handling the external stresses in our lives?
[00:11:34] Speaker B: Well, we've been tested in this area. I think that's fair to say. And, yeah, you know, to pick up on your point about exercise, well, I think it's. And communication. I think it's that we realized a few months ago when we took on some new sort of life projects as opposed to business or podcast, you new life projects to get us to where we need to start. Getting us to where we need to go as a family unit. And it brought on along a stress. And then you've just got your business as usual, kids, family life stuff that happens. It's winter, everyone's sick. Everyone seems to be sick. And getting these, you know, one to two month colds. We've all just copped it. And I think we realized that a few months ago and really got ahead of it. And so, yeah, so we've been exercising together, but also we decided, like once a week, instead of going for a run or doing weights or going for a swim, one of the times, and we've just come back from one right now, is we go for an hour walk at a ballpark, which is in Perth. It's like a bush trail. It's awesome. So we can do, you know, a circuit, like a six to seven k circuit in an hour. It's undulating. You get your heart rate up, but you're still able to talk. You're in nature, and it just forces that flow of communication, which can sometimes be hard when you're stressed. You know, we know that the science tells us that when you're moving in nature, your body feels less stressed, and that makes it easier to communicate. So I think we're handling it really well because we are proactively understanding, like, trying to relax our bodies, trying to keep so we're less stressed, trying to keep open communication so we're aware how each other's feeling and not blaming each other. I'm stressed, you know, so I'm gonna blame it on you or, you know, can't you see how stressed I am? It's like, well, yeah, of course, we're both really stressed. So coming at it from the team lens and how we can handle it together, that's why I think we're. I'd give us a. I'd give us a very high rating on that question.
[00:13:32] Speaker A: I just wanna pick up on that. I think that's a great point. Something that I see that I feel like we do well, and it's a good thing to bear in mind ourselves is that we are sharing our stress, but neither of us are blaming the other person. And we're also not saying, I just expect nonstop support for me. But, you know, I've said to you, like, I'm very overwhelmed. I can only manage a, b and c today, or a today, or I can manage nothing today. And same thing for you. If you're feeling really overwhelmed, you've said.
[00:14:01] Speaker B: Like, I am really struggling to do once or twice. We've both just gone, we're not going to do anything today. We're either going to go out to lunch together, get some japanese and chilled and. Or we're just going to go for a sauna, or we're just going to sit and do our little tasks because we know we're not going to get what we need to done today. We're both. We're both about to break down.
[00:14:21] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah.
All right, Roger, next question.
How can I help you to feel more secure and valued in our relationship?
[00:14:32] Speaker B: I think you just tell me how sexy I am a bit more. And, you know, when I've got my guns out, just give them a bit of a grab and a squeeze because.
[00:14:40] Speaker A: I didn't squeeze them today on our walk.
[00:14:42] Speaker B: Yeah. When you asked me to, I was wearing a tank top. Where's the squeeze?
[00:14:48] Speaker A: Is that what the tank top is? An invitation for a squeeze?
[00:14:50] Speaker B: Well, yes. And invitation declined.
Return to sender.
[00:14:58] Speaker A: You're really living out your nineties still, aren't you?
[00:15:01] Speaker B: Oh, well, did they ever leave? I'm sure the cool kids have brought them back, but no, that's actually it for me. Just a bit more of you telling me, I guess, that you find me still, you know, manly, sexy, give. Give the old guns a bit of a squeeze, and I think I'll probably be pretty good.
[00:15:18] Speaker A: All right, I can turn that up a bit. I totally hear you on that one. I think that's. That's. Yeah, I definitely.
[00:15:26] Speaker B: What about you, sweetie? How can I help you feel more secure and valued in our relationship?
Give you a butter squeeze?
[00:15:34] Speaker A: Ah, no, it's not the same for me. This is a great gender gender section.
[00:15:40] Speaker B: So I got that one covered.
[00:15:41] Speaker A: I think for me, secure is done. Like, I feel super, super secure in our relationship, and I feel very lucky to feel that way. I know it's a privilege.
I think the valued is probably the only bit that I would say.
Sometimes it's not that you undervalue me, but if I wanted to feel even more valued, I would say sometimes it's nice when you really acknowledge, and you'll know this because I use the word acknowledge all the time. You acknowledge something I've done or the efforts I've made for our family. And it is a bit of a pat on the back situation, I guess. It does make me feel really valued when you say, and sometimes you do it really, really well, you'll be like, babe, I'm so grateful for that. You did such a good job, and that makes me feel really valued. And sometimes you don't do it.
Sometimes you don't do it at all, and sometimes you don't do it as much. But that would be something that I feel would. It helps me to feel really valued and that my work that I do is valued in this relationship.
[00:16:47] Speaker B: All right, well, yeah, 100%. I can definitely do that. And, you know, where I haven't done it? I'll try. Really make a conscious effort to do it more because I can always pull back if you feel I'm overdoing it, you know?
[00:17:02] Speaker A: Yeah, just go as hard as you want.
[00:17:05] Speaker B: All right. Okay, sweetie.
Are we practicing vulnerability with each other?
[00:17:13] Speaker A: This is such a good question, but.
[00:17:16] Speaker B: When would you ever reflect, when would you ever ask anyone that normal? That's why I think it's really powerful having these prompter questions, because you usually wouldn't sit there and go, how vulnerable are you feeling today?
[00:17:29] Speaker A: We should put these up on instagram? 100%, yeah.
Are we practising vulnerability with each other?
I think the truth is, to a level, I think these questions today are helping us certainly to practise more vulnerability because I think, for example, the togetherness and individuality question, I think sometimes we get scared to discuss that topic because it can get really heated in terms of where are we spending our time and what's our priorities and how do we move forward with that and get more balance. And sometimes we just want things to be different today. And sometimes we are really circumspect and on the same page and planning and that's probably more my mode. And so I think sometimes we both pull back on things that are actually really important to us because you and I are so aware we have such limited energy. And so sometimes we don't say what we really mean or what might be really impacting us because we just don't want to delve into a space that's going to take some of our energy. So I would say I think we are, but I think we can do more. And this is a. For me, these sorts of deep dive questions are a really great way because we're both getting to answer them and we've both come here with an open mind and an open heart to grow from these questions.
[00:18:54] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'll answer it as well.
[00:18:57] Speaker A: Okay. Are we practicing vulnerability with each other?
[00:19:01] Speaker B: I think we always are. I think look at what we're doing. We're literally sitting here in front of a camera, you know, modeling how to have a relationship, check in and check up with your partner.
What I will say is we always do. But I think you're right. There's always a balance because you verbalize a lot more of your feelings than me, which I think is fairly, you know, generalizing. It's fairly typical of women to do that. Well, blokes will hold it in more because we either don't have the vocabulary or that's just how we're wired, I think. And also like, and this is how I feel, is I feel if I.
If I told you how I was feeling all the time, it would be a lot for you to hold, considering you hold so much for. Because you are so empathetic. I'm less empathetic than you. I'm empathetic. I've got a strong emotional intelligence, but way less empathetic.
[00:20:00] Speaker A: You're more compassionate, which is compassionate, which I need to work with.
[00:20:02] Speaker B: So I don't hold stuff, I don't hold all other people's stuff. I hold our daughter's stuff and I hold your stuff.
And so I feel it's my job to hold my stuff a bit. But I know the other day I held on to it a bit too tight, for example, and.
And it actually sort of came out in other ways. I was grumpy. I was a bit stinky. I was a bit. Not sloppy, but stroppy. That's the one. Not so sloppy.
I could have been a bit sloppy, but I was a bit stroppy. And I think that's where finding the balances. I was like, oh, no, I can't dump this on Kim. And then I just bit by bit did, but not. Not by telling you. So you're like, what's going on? So that's where I think it's a balancing act, especially for blokes. And that's how I feel. I don't. I don't always want to burden you with how I'm feeling, but I know that if I don't give you some, I can't always hold it myself either.
[00:20:59] Speaker A: Can I just add an adjunct to that, then, and say, how could I make you feel more safe? Is there something that I could do to allow you to be more vulnerable?
[00:21:10] Speaker B: No. No, no. I think this. I feel this is part of my role. I feel this is part of who of, you know, I'm not saying it's because I don't feel safe doing it. I just feel for the family, it's my role to sometimes carry some of my own shies and.
[00:21:25] Speaker A: But then it bubbles out sometimes.
[00:21:27] Speaker B: So that's just the balance. So that's me more understanding that. Like, as I said the other day, I was aware that I had, but most times it's just understanding of when, like, understanding when I guess it's being. Maybe it's about asking how you're going and then when you telling me and go, hey, like, I'm actually. I'm strong at the moment. I'm good. May go. And, yeah, hey, I'm struggling a bit. This is why I'll try and say.
[00:21:51] Speaker A: I'm good more often.
[00:21:52] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. It's not. And this is the point. This. This stuff isn't easy. And I think Kim and I, you know, even, like, if you're probably watching on video, we're going to upload this to YouTube. But, um, at some point, but, you know, we're looking at each other going, is that right? Is that right? But these are the conversations you need to have, so. Yeah.
[00:22:12] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:22:13] Speaker B: All right, last question.
Oh, it's your turn.
[00:22:16] Speaker A: Oh, is it? Okay?
What can I do to make you feel more loved and appreciated this week?
[00:22:25] Speaker B: Um.
PG version?
[00:22:28] Speaker A: Pg version?
[00:22:29] Speaker B: Pg version G version g version g? String version? No. All right, so.
[00:22:35] Speaker A: Oh, my God, I'm 40.
I'll get heckled for that.
[00:22:39] Speaker B: Oh, you're only as old as you look.
[00:22:45] Speaker A: Old as the undies you wear.
[00:22:47] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice work. That's work, Granny.
I think just more hugs and kisses.
[00:22:58] Speaker A: Oh, all right. I love that.
[00:23:00] Speaker B: I reckon let's do an episode on hugs and kisses and the power of them. I reckon we definitely need to do a one on that. But, yeah, just. I think you and I just did a hug and a kiss before this, before recording, and it felt good and I was like, oh, that felt good. And sometimes you forget how little you actually do it when we should be doing it every day.
[00:23:21] Speaker A: Definitely. I will make a conscious effort this week to hug and kiss every day. Get that habit happening.
[00:23:29] Speaker B: All right, sweetie, what can I do to make you feel more loved and appreciated this week?
[00:23:36] Speaker A: Mmm.
Give me a foot massage.
[00:23:43] Speaker B: I think I owe you a couple.
[00:23:44] Speaker A: You owe me them. You haven't given me one in a long time and you used to give them to me quite regularly as a surprise. And granted, it's difficult now because we aren't always in the same space at night because of the way our family works. So you used to always, at nighttime, come and just start massaging my feet. So it is more difficult.
[00:24:04] Speaker B: But in the next week, I will commit to even if it's just a 15 minutes one.
[00:24:09] Speaker A: I love them so much. They make me feel so loved. I don't know what it is about it, but it's like, maybe because it's feet and, you know, feet are a bit gross and, like, you have to really love someone to massage them.
[00:24:20] Speaker B: Yeah. I think, you know, it's a release of tension. It's an act of service.
[00:24:25] Speaker A: It is, it definitely is. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:24:27] Speaker B: So they were our five questions for your relationship health checkup again every couple of months, use these questions. Jump online. There's lots of experts out there who can give you questions, but make. Make them questions about you, how you're feeling about each other, about the relationship, not just externals and the outside world and the operations of day to day life. Because really, really what you're doing is you're looking in to see how is your relationship going.
You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:25:04] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship insights and conversations. Head over to kimandroj.com, where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:25:14] Speaker B: And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:25:22] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
