Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: I want actions, not just empty words. At some point in time. We've all heard this from or said this to someone we love because while it's easy to voice commitments and promises, the real test of a relationship lies in the strength of the follow up. Actions build trust, show commitment, and provide comfort in Wade's words alone cannot in today's episode, we explore the critical times when doing is more important than just saying and maintaining a strong relationship.
[00:00:32] Speaker B: Hey, we're Kim and Rog, and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:39] Speaker A: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should, we think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:47] Speaker B: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:00:56] Speaker A: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house flipping business, achieved some big dreams and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:04] Speaker B: Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts, and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:14] Speaker A: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfy in whatever tickles you pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
We've all heard the saying, actions speak louder than the words, but what does that mean in the context of a relationship?
Well, funnily enough, actions are fundamental to trust and trust is fundamental to a strong and safe relationship. And I think we've all been in the scenario where we've wanted more action and less words from our partners.
[00:01:55] Speaker B: Absolutely. I am a big fan of the action.
[00:01:59] Speaker A: I love getting action too.
[00:02:01] Speaker B: Roger. It was something when we were younger that we used to disagree on quite a lot. I would say you weren't quite as sure about the fact that actions were needed. You. And now I understand as well. You are a big word person. You absolutely love words of affirmation. So for you, I think words do carry more meaning. But perhaps you hadn't understood how important it was for me. I'm an acts of service girl, so obviously actions are ultra important for me. And yeah, we used to disagree on it a little bit, but that's changed a lot. Now, we are both very action oriented.
[00:02:46] Speaker A: People yeah, now we're going to talk about that today, why actions are important, how to become action oriented, and then three key scenarios where you can show actions.
Three key scenarios where actions are more important than words. So again, actions build trust.
Trust is built by three things, consistency, following through, and transparency. And actions help us do these three things. So trust is built when actions are consistent over time, because then the behavior of the individual becomes predictable. This is then reassuring. It's reassuring because they go, I can rely on my partner because they've shown me through predictable action how they're going to act. And that is in a good way or a bad way and in a good way. That's how trust is built. And so it creates a more secure environment.
Following through. We can talk the talk, but can we walk the walk? Following through is when partners do what they say they'll do. It shows integrity, it shows reliability.
And as we said, these are fundamental concepts of trust. Being transparent, your actions have to also be honest. You know, your honest actions are important in building that foundation of trust. Being action oriented also does other things in a relationship. Actions reduce stress because knowing your partner is reliable reduces their anxiety.
They believe you are dependable. When your actions consistently align with your words, it eliminates that worry that arises from uncertainty. Actions also allow your home to feel safe. They show care, they show consideration, and they create that safe environment at home. When you show your partner through actions that you care, that you can be trusted, therefore more secure, so then more so, they're less likely to experience negative feelings like fear or jealousy.
Actions also reduce conflict because when you use actions and you build that trust and you become dependable and your partner is less stressed and they feel more safe, well, guess what? You fight less. And not only that, when you do fight, those fights carry less weight because your partner knows in the background that, hey, they've shown over time through their actions that they are dependable and they can be trusted. So this is a once off or this is a slip up, and so I'm not gonna put as much weight into this. This isn't something that they've done again and again and again. And of course, like in all teams, when you act, you show a commitment to the team.
[00:05:34] Speaker B: Yeah, a few things came up for me as you were going through that, rog. The less stress thing is a really big piece for me, particularly in terms of our relationship, because your actions are consistent and reliable. I now, don't worry if you say you're going to do something, I know it's going to happen.
[00:05:54] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:05:55] Speaker B: Instead of. It's very rare. Sorry. It's very rare. It wouldn't happen.
[00:05:58] Speaker A: Yeah. Instead of I've said something, you're like, oh, geez. Roger always says you'll do something, and he never. And he doesn't follow through with it.
[00:06:06] Speaker B: Yeah. And then I worry that I have to prompt you and then that that's going to cause an argument or be the nagging. We've done episode on nagging. And you can have a listen to that. Exactly that. There's more underlying stuff around that, which there absolutely is. And there's certainly anxiety. Anxiety around expectations not being met. And that's one of those things. When you show up consistently with your actions, those expectations are being met, you are being predictable, and it does really reduce stress in the relationship. And I was just thinking as well, the other thing that popped into my mind as you were saying those things was, interestingly, on the flip side for you and I, I am a very action oriented person. I am the driver. We say in our relationship, you're the ops guy, I'm the.
The driver. So I head us in a direction, and then my adhd usually kicks in and I lose excitement and want to head in another direction. And you deliver on the direction I've headed us in, which is amazing. It works very well together, and we're in the midst of a number of big projects in our own life at the moment. And I've lost a little bit of steam at the moment, which is hard because I'm feeling very overwhelmed. Ordinarily. I think if I wasn't a consistent deliverer with my actions, someone would be worried because we can't afford for me not to show up at the moment. There's no real space for that. We have so many things that are going to be happening in the next few weeks that need. I need to be there for.
[00:07:32] Speaker A: Well, conversely, even though I think you're doing an amazing job, the fact that you're a little bit worried about maybe that you're not working at your full, optimal state because of the overwhelm, even though you were doing a heap of stuff, you know, through my past actions, that I will step up or I'll keep doing what I need to do. So the. The emotional and mental energy that you would otherwise have to not only use to keep going and keep our family moving forward in the right strategic direction, you would then also have to use some of that in making sure that the day to day operations and the grunt work gets done, because you wouldn't be sure that I was going to do it. While you are sure you know that I'm going to rock up and just get shit done no matter what, because I've got a proven track record of doing that.
[00:08:27] Speaker B: I was actually thinking or explaining it from your side, as in how reliable I am.
[00:08:32] Speaker A: Well, I'm explaining it through your side about how reliable I am.
[00:08:38] Speaker B: I was saying you're not worried that I'm going to deliver on the actions, because you know that I will. And as a result, you haven't put any extra stress on me. The second I said no more stress, you stopped placing any more pressure on me to keep going. And I just know that you believe in me to get it done. And you're right. Conversely, if I don't get it done, I know that you'll step up for me.
[00:09:03] Speaker A: Yeah. And you can see as a result, that's why, you know, as a team, we just keep working and we keep moving and we keep getting successes even when times are hard.
[00:09:12] Speaker B: Yes. It's about the direction we're heading. It's not about always hitting it the exact same. The exact way we had planned on hitting it.
[00:09:20] Speaker A: That's right.
[00:09:20] Speaker B: All right. So, thinking about actions in relationships, how do we actually do this? How do we become an action oriented person in a relationship or an action oriented couple? The first thing we would suggest is do small things often. And Gottman's studies highlight that couples who frequently engage in small, positive actions tend to have a more fulfilling relationship. Regular small acts of kindness, like a thoughtful text or making coffee, these build a strong, lasting foundation in relationships. These consistent actions show ongoing commitment and care for your partner, and that creates stability, that creates trust over time. It's not about the big things. And on that, I will talk about grand gestures for a second, because I think when people hear action be more action oriented in relationships, sometimes they think, I need to do more big things to show that I really love that person or that I'm thinking about them. It's not. It's the little things that really matter. Grand gestures, like, for example, a surprise trip overseas, or an expensive piece of jewellery, or an, I don't know, an expensive set of golf clubs or whatever it is that tickles your pickle, they create a memorable moment, but they're less impactful because they don't have the consistency. This is a one off situation. And whilst partners appreciate grand gestures and they can be a lovely one off experience, they will never replace the impact of everyday interactions. Those smaller things that are done consistently, they just don't help to build trust the same way the small actions do when they're consistently delivered. And so we need to think about grand gestures as something that can complement our consistent small actions, but not something that can substitute. So you can't go six months without doing anything or thinking about your partner and then whip out a bracelet and think, well, that is an action. I've done that. And because I spent this much on it, it makes up for the six months I didn't pay them any attention and I didn't show them any love through my actions.
[00:11:30] Speaker A: Yeah. Because what will happen is when it comes to the day to day of and, you know, the day to day living of life, you can't sit there and go hand on heart. I trust my partner is going to be there for me or do what they need to do, but I know I'll get a sweet present in six months time.
[00:11:49] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly.
And we're not saying don't, you know, Roger, we're not saying don't go with the grapes.
[00:11:55] Speaker A: That's right. We're just saying diamonds are off the cards, boys.
[00:12:00] Speaker B: Compliment, compliment.
[00:12:02] Speaker A: Couple of kisses and a cup of tea and we're sorted.
[00:12:05] Speaker B: I'm so sorry, ladies.
And another thing, when we think about how we can become more action oriented, another time that it really, really is important is stepping up when things get real. So when things have gotten tough and the relationship's struggling or an individual's struggling, that's when we really want to be action oriented. And Doctor Sue Johnson suggests that this sort of responsive support during crisis really strengthens a relationship because it reinforces that secure attachment that we've spoken about. And as a result, over time, you know, that that person has had your back. So being there for your partner during tough times is critical and it shows that you're reliable and being action oriented for them during that time. Stepping up to do things for them when they're struggling, that's what's going to build that connection and that, and that real sense that you are secure in that relationship.
[00:13:03] Speaker A: Yeah. So that makes a lot of sense, sweetie. So, you know, doing the small things often shows that's building that consistency and stepping up when things get real is showing that when, when things do get really hard, when there is a bit of a mini crisis, that you're always there for them so that you can see where that trust is built. So I know day to day they're going to be for me and I know when things get real, they're going to be for me as well. And so that you can see that stability and that trust. You're building that safe harbour. So what we're going to do now is go through three high level scenarios where actions are way more critical than words, where actions are super important to the longevity of your relationship. And the first scenario is going to be more about doing the small things often. And this is simply just maintaining the emotional connection and trust required to have a functioning and secure relationship. Of course, any long term relationship requires constant effort to maintain a bond. We've spoken about this. That's because love is a doing word. It's one of our most popular episodes. I think it really resonates with people. You need to do love. And this makes sense because there are so many distractions in our daily, today lives. The daily grind, work, kids, mortgage, friends, in laws. And we often don't put our relationship first, or we. And by that, as in all the effort, mental and physical, that we put into all those other things which we deem to be more important, but really just keep us busy, we don't then allocate to our relationship and to our partner.
But the truth is, maintaining an emotional connection requires daily acts of love. This includes things like doing chores around the house without being asked, planning regular dates, scheduling in time for each other, showing physical affection, kisses at the door before and after work, or whenever someone's leaving. Physical affection, like holding hands, turning towards your partner. Then when they make a bit of connection, when they reach out to you, turning towards them instead of being a grump or turning away. And these actions demonstrate that you're actually invested in keeping the relationship strong and that your partner is a priority for you, and that they feel seen. And the other thing is, these actions actually prompt the love and bonding chemicals in you. They get the oxytocin going, that chemical that drives you to do more of the love things. And we've spoken about this on another episode before for how to make the love drugs work for you. Where we show that in the initial stages of a relationship, you don't have to do much to get those chemicals going, they just happen naturally. But in a longer term relationship, you need to prompt those chemicals to get love working for you.
We've also talked about the love bank, and this is a Gottman concept. He showed that couples needed to maintain a five to one ratio of positive to negative interactions. So that's five positive interactions for every one negative interaction or risk heading towards divorce.
And what this means is you need to consistently add to your love bank through small, thoughtful actions to build a buffer to sustain the relationship during the tougher times. And so this takes consistent effort. This is why love is a doing word.
[00:16:41] Speaker B: So really this is all about if you want to maintain emotional connection. If you want to maintain and build trust in your relationship, you need to be action oriented in the relationship. Do small things off the first. We've called it a scenario, but maybe the area of your relationship would be more apt if you want to work on emotional connection and trust these values or these attributes of a relationship. That's the first.
The first one would be, if you want to work on emotional connection and trust, be action oriented. The second scenario where we're saying being action oriented is critical in a relationship, is during times of crisis or stress. And we touched on this a minute ago when we said how to become action oriented. One of the things we said was to step up when things get real. So in this scenario, when life throws us a curveball, whether it's a job loss or illness or a family emergency, during these times your partner simply needs more than just comforting words. It's essential to provide support that that goes beyond this verbal. And this means taking on extra responsibilities at home, being physically present during difficult moments, providing tangible help, like assisting with logistics during a family emergency. It's really about showing your partner that you are in this together, not just in words of comfort, but through your actions. And we hear from many couples who say this is a real sad reality, that their partner wasn't there for them when a family member got sick or closed off to something when it got really difficult. And we understand for some people, they freeze in these situations and they may not be able to deal with the fact that their partner's focus has moved somewhere else and there's additional stress on the family situation.
But the reality of this is there's only one way through these hard times that is successful for the team and that is to have each other's back and double down on the relationship. And what we're talking about today, one of the ways you can do that is be action oriented, be the safe harbour. And to be the safe harbour in a time of crisis or stress involves doing things like taking charge of the kids, taking charge of extra household chores, doing something to show that you care about what your partner's worried about. If, for example, a parent was unwell, maybe you'll go and buy some groceries for that parent and just say, oh, I bought a bag of groceries for your mum today. You can drop them off later if you like. These are actions that show that you've got their back in a time of crisis, that you're there for them. And showing up in these ways will reinforce the understanding that your relationship is a place of safety and support, no matter what life throws at you.
[00:19:34] Speaker A: Yeah. It's about saying, baby, I've got this. You go take care of your parents or your sister, whoever it is, or.
[00:19:41] Speaker B: Your job problem, your own job.
[00:19:43] Speaker A: Like, you just go, you know, you do what you need to do. I've got this. I'm just going to sort the kids out. I'll make sure that these appointments are met. I'll cancel A, B, C and D. Okay, don't. Don't worry about it. And then actually going and doing it, not just saying you'll do it, and then a week later going, oh, well, you know, everything was stressful. Everything was too hard, actually. Just going and doing it and copping the fact that it's going to be a burden to you, because that's the point in having your partner's back. You step up in a time of crisis.
All right, so our third scenario is rebuilding trust. Now, this is a core one where actions speak louder than words.
Trust is the foundation of Eddie's strong relationship. We've spoken about this off the top, but what happens when it is broken? Because the truth is, words alone can't rebuild that foundation. And whether it's through infidelity, and that's physical, emotional or financial, whether you've been caught lying or there's a breach of the agreed boundaries or values in your house, when this happens, you are in debt, you in credibility debt. And if you think about the John Gottman love bank, and he talks about having to keep five to one interactions, well, you're way back. You are in massive debt. So you are not just starting from zero in terms of trust. And so it's a long way back. And you need to take action to rebuild that trust.
You need to be doing that by being consistent, following through, and being transparent. Those three things we talked about off the top of the show, you need to do that through rebuilding your emotional connection. You need to do that through doing small things. Often, you need to do that through stepping up when things get real. The next time, you need to follow through every time you say you're going to do something, especially when it's aligned with the actual breach, and you're going to also have to cop sometimes that you can get a spray and your partner's not going to believe you. But if you keep on turning up day to day with your activities, keeping consist consistently keeping your word and taking responsibility for your mistakes, you are going to slowly rebuild that trust, but you need to take action. Esther Perel has an awesome take on this. She says that in rebuilding trust after a significant breach, it's the actions that matter the most. Because being accountable, transparent, and consistently showing up from your partner in meaningful ways is crucial for healing because that's what you're trying to do. You're trying to, one, heal your partner, and two, get back to a phase where you're both growing.
[00:22:36] Speaker B: Well, I think this is an obvious one when you really break it down, the words you've given them, which is you can trust me, I love you, you're my partner. I would never hurt you. You are not true to them. In that moment, they've been broken. There's been a breach. So words don't carry the same weight anymore.
[00:22:53] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:22:53] Speaker B: And if you want your words to carry that weight again, you're going to have to do the work to show that those words are true, that you do mean them, that they can be trusted, and that can only come through action because the words aren't there. They don't. They. And this is a really great time to make sure that you don't go for the grand gesture. The grand gesture will never feel more hollow than when you're trying to rebuild trust. The grand gesture is a bonus in life. It's like drinking alcohol. Drink to have more fun. Don't drink to get happy. You really want to do it. You want to do it as the addition to the good times, not as something to band aid over the bad times. The hard times are going to require the hard work. And a consistent effort towards action is the only way to show your partner that, that trust that can be rebuilt, because it absolutely can be over time, with consistency and with action.
[00:23:57] Speaker A: Yeah, I love that, babe. Action is about showing up every day.
[00:24:00] Speaker B: All right, Roger, what was your gold nugget from today?
[00:24:03] Speaker A: My gold nugget is always going to be love is a doing word. So if you feel that, if you feel your words aren't getting through, like, so take it from the other perspective. If you feel your words aren't getting through to your partner, whether you're trying to build that day to day emotional connection, whether you're, you know, you feel there's a time of crisis and you're not meeting their needs or you've broken trust, you need to rebuild it. Go to actions. Do it consistently, follow through. And as you said, make your words mean something.
[00:24:37] Speaker B: I love that. And I would say for me today, it's do small things often.
[00:24:42] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:24:42] Speaker B: It's so much simpler to build a deep bond than I think people realize. Once you understand what's at the crux of it, show up consistently in small ways every day and your relationship will thrive. It really will.
[00:25:01] Speaker A: You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:25:04] Speaker B: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the town team life, relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com, where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:25:15] Speaker A: And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it will make us really happy.
[00:25:23] Speaker B: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
