Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: In any good relationship, knowing that your partner has your back isn't just a nice to have, it's essential. It's about creating a sense of security and trust that allows you both to navigate life's ups and downs together. But how do you show your partner that you truly have their back? In today's episode, we're diving into the importance of mutual support and exploring practical ways you can demonstrate you're there for each other no matter what. From celebrating each other's successes to offering unwavering support during tough times, we'll uncover the key actions that build a safe and empowering environment for your relationship. Join us as we explore how showing up for each other can transform your relationship into a true safe harbour where you both know you've got each other's back.
Hey, we're Kim and Rog and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:50] Speaker B: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should, we think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:58] Speaker A: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:01:07] Speaker B: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house stripping business, we've achieved some big dreams and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:16] Speaker A: Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:25] Speaker B: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfort in whatever tickles you, pickle and enjoy living the team life.
Have you ever wondered if your partner's got your back? Well, I think both Kim and I, hand on our hearts, can say that we have each other's back.
And it's a really liberating and empowering feeling knowing that your partner has your back no matter what.
And I think if you are thinking about your partner and still not 100% sure if they've got your back, or maybe you're thinking, do they know if I've got their back? You know, that's something that should really be looked into because there's a lot to it, but the benefits are massive and that's what we're going to try unpack. Today is how do you show your partner that you've got their back?
[00:02:25] Speaker A: I'm going to show you I have your back by digressing completely away from this and telling you that I'm concerned that the phrase got your back has taken a warped meaning on for me. You know when you say the same words that are weird over and over again and then you end up with a warped interpretation?
[00:02:43] Speaker B: Well, no, but I think you're going.
[00:02:44] Speaker A: To tell me, got your back. Got your back. And it starts sounding funny like.
[00:02:50] Speaker B: Anyway, baby got back.
[00:02:52] Speaker A: Sorry, I was lost. I was lost. But yeah, I got you back. I got you back.
[00:02:57] Speaker B: You got. Yeah, well, I don't think you do.
I think I've got your back in this scenario. Cause I'm gonna edit that one out.
[00:03:06] Speaker A: No.
[00:03:07] Speaker B: Okay, I'll leave it in. Everyone can just have a little giggle to themselves.
[00:03:12] Speaker A: Please continue.
[00:03:13] Speaker B: Okay, I will. All right. So it makes sense that having your partners back is deeply rooted in trust, security and mutual support long term. Studies by doctor Robert Levenson of Berkeley University indicate that couples who maintain high levels of mutual support and appreciation over time have a significantly lower divorce rate and report higher levels of happiness and fulfillment. So what this means is that when couples feel a mutual support between them, they feel secure. And this security promotes emotional safety, which is crucial for the longevity of a relationship.
Now, you've all heard of attachment theory. You might not know the ins and outs of it, and Kim and I are going to do a show on this. But attachment theory actually tells us that a secure attachment in adult relationships is critical because it provides a stable base.
It provides a stable base for their lives, enabling individuals to explore the world with confidence, knowing that they have a secure place to return to. This also allows you to face life's challenges with resilience, knowing that if the proverbial poop hits the fan, that you also have someone to turn to no matter what. It also means that in moments of vulnerability, you can lean on your partner without fear of judgment or abandonment. You can be yourself. This leads, of course, then to less stress and anxiety from both of you, and is probably why there's a heap of research out there showing that couples in secure relationships, that means they have secure attachments, will live longer than single people or couples with unsecure attachments.
[00:04:57] Speaker A: Yeah, it's such an interesting thing to reflect back on from our own perspective. As you were saying that, I was thinking back to the. Just the empowerment element of it. I guess thinking back to when we were younger and the way we individually went after our own goals and dreams as well as. As a team and how much less confident, and I think I've used poor English there, but how much less confident we were to pursue risky paths because we weren't super securely attached in our relationship. And I think once we. Once we did become, we did. Once we stepped into really having each other's back, I'll say, which is really what this episode is about. I feel like you and I have chased down in the last decade so many dreams that just would not have happened without that belief that if it all went to crap, it would be okay because we had the other person and we'd get through it.
[00:06:10] Speaker B: Yeah, I think it could be very easy to explain the juxtaposition between the first ten years of our relationship and the second ten years, especially that first ten years where, you know, we were achieving things, but I. We weren't doing anything, I guess, extraordinary. And all of a sudden I look back at the last 1012 years and we've just done so many cool things, so many cool things outside of the social norm. So many goals we hit. You know, our lives changed so many ways and we just seem to get better. We seem to, I don't know, get more awesome. And of course, I think it's because we really leaned into the team and we. I guess from a technical point of view, we had a very secure attachment that. That last ten years.
[00:06:55] Speaker A: So let's think a little bit more about this. The concept of having your partner's back and we like to talk about, especially Rog loves this term and I do really enjoy it. It's one of his favorite go to's though, that your relationship is a safe harbour. And we sort of see that feeling secure means that your partner is that safe harbour. That's what we were talking about just now, really. That place where you can retreat when the outside world becomes overwhelming. And Doctor Sue Johnson notes that when partners know they have a safe place to return to, a safe harbour they can go to, they are more willing to take risks, which is what we've just talked about, and go after their goals with confidence. So really understanding that this safe harbour, when we think about it like that, like I'm a safe hold for this person, it's not just about comfort and nurturing and the warmth of it. It's about empowerment. Allowing each partner to venture out into the world with the knowledge that no matter what happens, and this is really what I was saying about us as a couple in the last decade, no matter what happens? We know we have a supporting and loving environment to come home to. And that level of safety really does empower you to go out and do more.
Another benefit of having each other's back and having that secure relationship is it frees up your mental and emotional energy. So when you have each other's backs, you don't have to worry about your relationship. You know it's there, you know, it's good, you know that they're going to look after you and you're going to look after them and you've got each other as a priority, as the top priority. And as a result, you can be your best self. You can go out and use that mental and emotional energy to do other things that you really want to do. And this security acts as a kind of anchor, providing the stability needed to go out and tackle the big challenges in life with more focus and energy.
[00:09:01] Speaker B: Yeah, I think all of us have been in scenarios, or you might be feeling this now where you're. You're stressed about what your partner thinks about something, about you, about what you've done about a scenario you're stressed about.
You're stressed about making moves, positive moves, maybe, or, you know, going out and doing something cool or fun or risky because you're so worried what your partner's going to think. And will they have your back if I do this? Will they support me? You know, will they still love me? And, you know, that's a pretty stressful place to be in, and it'll be very hard to be your best self in that scenario.
[00:09:40] Speaker A: I think that's a great point, Rog. And one that we do hear a bit about is, especially for women, when they're wanting to go back to work after having children. There's definitely some women and a group of women, really, who, for whatever reason in their relationship don't fully feel like their partner has their back because they express an inability to be able to communicate their needs at that point in time. They're not able to fully say what they want moving forward and that, you know, comments like, oh, I'm just not sure that they'd support me or they don't believe the same thing as me. And you can feel this sense of, as a result, this sense of withholding in the relationship, so they hold back what their needs are and then obviously the team can't grow together because there isn't full honesty, connectivity. Someone's needs aren't being attended to. Someone's dreams aren't being attended to. So, yeah, that space for really for making sure that you do have each other's back for that full transparency is the environment that you're going to thrive the most in.
[00:10:46] Speaker B: In the relationship and it can lead to overwhelm. So if you don't, if you feel like, you know, geez, I can't stop for a minute because I'm looking after the kids, because I'm doing all the mental load, the work, the home labor at home. I want to go back to work, I want to do this or that. But I don't feel like my partner will have my back. I'm getting a bit overwhelmed with it because I feel stuck, you know, when my partner has my back, well, at least I know if we discuss it, he's not going to judge me or they're not going to judge me for my thoughts or feelings, you know, because it's a safe harbour. I know that no matter what I say in this safe harbor, however, I feel even if they don't agree, they'll have my back.
So there are a heap of ways we can show our partners that we've got their back and they can show us that they've got our back. And we thought we'd go through some scenarios or ways that you can show them and they can show you. So the first one is you can show your appreciation to your partner in private. Private appreciation is about recognizing and valuing all the small little things they do that often go unnoticed. The peccadilloes, as we've talked about, these contributions your partner makes to the relationship, it's important because it's important when we recognize these things, because it reinforces that emotional bond and respect you have for each other. It shows that you are being attentive to all the little things that they do. Not just doing all the little things, but showing the gratitude and recognition of the little things that they do because they'll start to feel seen. And actually, research shows us that partners who regularly express appreciation for each other, even for the smallest, grittiest little everyday things, the minutiae of life, the mundane things, they actually report a lot higher levels of satisfaction and stability in their relationships.
[00:12:38] Speaker A: Another way that you can show your partner that you have their back, show your love for them in public. This one is. Is one we have actually always been good at. I think maybe not to the depth we are now. When you're younger, you maybe show your love a little bit differently. It's probably more of a PDA. And we're talking beyond that. We're talking about being proud of your partner sharing with others in public what they're doing and things that they're doing that you're proud of that are lighting you up, that, you know, that they've worked hard on giving that acknowledgement and that praise, you know, for the things that. That you are thinking while they're.
[00:13:17] Speaker B: Shout it from the rooftops.
[00:13:18] Speaker A: Shout it. There is nothing sexier. And I'm not saying that you should find other people sexy, but someone's relationship seems very, very appealing. When one partner tells you about their partner's achievements or their hard work or something they're proud of or something they're grateful for, it's such a beautiful thing to think, wow, they must be so connected, so, so supportive of one another. And that that sort of sense, in terms of the person receiving the public acknowledgement, it can really boost their self esteem and strengthen the relationship, not only in the public eye, but obviously privately as well. And we do use that term relationship proud a lot. And it is about the fact that you want to. You want to show people that being in love, loving on your partner, making your relationship the priority, is okay. It's okay to be out there. In fact, it's brilliant. And when you own that, when you pay the heed to the relationship and have your partners back, it fosters emotional intimacy and connection. Good things grow from that space.
Researcher doctor Shelley Gable from UC Santa Barbara suggests that these public displays of what we call love or affection or appreciation can enhance a partner's sense of even belonging in the relationship, of their sense of self worth. That's very deep. To think that you can build your partner's sense of self worth simply by showing your love for them in public, by being open and transparent about how proud you are of them, how grateful you are for the things they do. And Brene Brown actually goes on and expands on this and says that publicly showing the acknowledgement for your partner and appreciation for your partner is an act of vulnerability. And I love that. I think that's so true when you do that, when you say in front of others, you know, I'm really proud of my partner for this, or, you know, my partner's great at that. They're really awesome at that moment. And I'm so grateful for it. It can really deepen trust and intimacy. And I've certainly experienced it. That experience, that firsthand. When I hear Rog talking to someone about me positively, it makes me feel really good about myself. It makes me feel. It makes me feel really connected to him.
[00:15:41] Speaker B: Yeah. And you can see why, right? Because it's not very common in society that you'll see this, whether it be with your friends or in famous people or in magazines online, people often won't sit there and just talk about how their partner is the bees knees and how awesome they think they are. There's a famous clip which is, you know, I've seen a reel of which is Alfred Hitchcock, the famous horror movie director, and I think he's getting a lifetime achievement award. And he pretty, just makes it, pretty much just makes his whole speech about his wife and how awesome she is. Nothing really about him, just the fact that he couldn't have achieved what he did without her. And it was, it was an incredible moment. And this is back in the day, this is one of the most famous film directors of all time. And it was all, and it was supposed to be a moment celebrating his achievements. And he made it all about her. And, you know, I think all of us got tingles when, when we watched that. And I think it's, it's a bit uncommon. And that's where that vulnerability came. And how would she have felt? She, she would have felt pretty special. So if we could give that gift to our partners, I think that's pretty amazing. And what a way to show that you've got their back. Especially when he was pretty much saying along the whole time, she had my back.
[00:17:06] Speaker A: And just on that, you know, if we think about why people traditionally haven't spoken about their relationship, there's not much positive in it. There's really the reason that we haven't probably publicly had each other's backs, traditionally speaking. And especially in the Alfred Hitchcock era, why he stood out so much was very much to do with old norms. Do you know what I mean? Like, it wasn't norm. A norm for men to talk about their wife in public and praise their wife and give due respect to their wife in public. I think it probably was more the norm for women to talk about their husbands in a certain manner.
[00:17:46] Speaker B: They've been a great provider.
[00:17:48] Speaker A: Exactly. Certainly it was not because that would have been considered vulnerable and showing emotion.
[00:17:55] Speaker B: Or showing emotion or equal partner for what I'm doing and giving them credit for, I guess, their success.
[00:18:00] Speaker A: Right. It wasn't considered masculine.
[00:18:02] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:03] Speaker A: And so, you know, those old, outdated norms, they don't live here anymore. So, you know, let's dig into what is today, really, what are the norms today? Or create your own norm. We don't even believe in norms. We believe in doing what works for you.
[00:18:19] Speaker B: Yeah. Doing what works for you and your relationship. So what? We've shown that in our first two scenarios, our first two ways to show your partner you've got their back is, you know, we're talking about how showing them appreciation when it's just the two of you, and then we're saying, but also showing them appreciation and, you know, celebrating your love for them in public, you know, you can see how in both ways it would be important because you're showing, hey, no matter what. So the third way we really believe that you can show your partner you've got their back is actually really celebrating their successes. Because celebrating your partner's successes is crucial to show that you were genuinely invested in their happiness and their growth. Because you're sharing their joy. You're making them feel valued not just as a partner, but as an individual. And Doctor Harry Rice from the University of Rochester found that couples who celebrate each other's achievements together actually strengthen their relationship. And this is because such celebrations enhance positive emotions and create a shared experience.
And Doctor Perel, Esther Perel, expands on this by emphasising the admiration and celebration of your partner's achievement actually energizes the relationship and keeps your connection alive. And you can see why, right? You want your partner to be your biggest cheerleader and, you know, conversely, if you do something awesome and your partner isn't your biggest cheerleader cheerleader, you know, some of your victories, some of your wins probably will feel a little bit hollow. I know. I definitely feel that. I know whenever I've achieved anything and it's maybe I've got a discount at the grocery store or something crazy like that, you know, the first thing I want to do is talk to Kim when I get home. Hey, babe, look what I did.
[00:20:09] Speaker A: You are exposing the highlights of our life here.
[00:20:12] Speaker B: Babe, I didn't stuff up one of my haircuts. How good is this?
[00:20:16] Speaker A: Oh, we live big.
[00:20:17] Speaker B: We live big. But that's the point. No, look, all jokes aside, Kim and I celebrate our team wins and we really celebrate our little wins together. And we make this a core value of ours. So we put it up on the wall. We make sure that all our actions and our goals are aligned with making sure we do celebrate our wins. We even buy little half bottles of champagne and we put labels on it and we have goals and wins on there. And some, lot of them are team, that one or two are personal. And we will, and we will pop that little bottle of champagne because we have trouble getting through a big one. We pop that little bottle of champagne. When we do hit those milestones because also just a reminder, because they sit in our fridge of celebrating those wins with each other.
[00:21:05] Speaker A: Yeah. Do you know, one of my favorite posts online is when someone's achieved something big in their life and their partner has arranged like a surprise dinner or a surprise party with people just to love on them, just to, just to really love on them and let them know. Like, it's giving me goosebumps. I love those posts. I just think what a legend. Like, both of you, partner for achieving it and the other partner for having their back, being their cheerleader, saying, this is huge. Your win is our win because we're a team here. And when you thrive and you're happy, we thrive and we're happy and it's just super cool.
[00:21:45] Speaker B: So, yeah, I remember after the city of the surf last year, you got a blistering time and I was just.
[00:21:50] Speaker A: I was not blistering.
[00:21:51] Speaker B: Yeah. But look, considering the context, I think you did, you know, you sort of outperformed your expectations. Expectations. And I was just stoked for you because I knew how much it meant. You know, you've always been a runner and your, you know, your body and your knees let you down a bit over the years and you just went out there and, and crushed it. And I know, like, I was just so proud of you and I told you, you know, we made sure we celebrated it and we spoke about it, you know, at the following dinners and in the morning and stuff like that.
[00:22:21] Speaker A: We did you still talk about it? God bless you. It really wasn't very fast, but in the scheme of the last seven years, even just to finish was an achievement.
I appreciate that support. All right, so the last way that we would give you as a tip today or a suggestion, if you are wanting to really show your partner that you have their back is, and this is one of my favorites, is support them when they stuff up.
[00:22:50] Speaker B: And really, it should be one of my favorites, really. But.
[00:22:55] Speaker A: And really, what this means, in other words, is unconditional love. This is what unconditional love is. It means I love you even when your behavior is not the behavior that I would hope for in our relationship. I love you so much that I'm actually going to help you change that behaviour. I'm actually going to. I'm even going to spend the time and effort and energy to help you. Even if it's hurt me, I'm going to help you because I want us both to be better in this situation. And it's such a beautiful, beautiful thing. It's the deepest of deep supporting your partner during their mistakes, it just.
It emphasizes your commitment to the team. It's about separating that person from their behavior because it is just a behavior and we all screw up, we all do things we wish we hadn't done. And when we step up and say I've got your back, especially on your dark days when. Because, you know, this is the sort of stuff that brings in those heaviest of emotions like shame.
When we do things we wish we hadn't, when we hurt our partner, we can feel real deep shame. And when you're in that space of shame, your level of vulnerability, it doesn't get higher. When we feel ashamed of ourself, we are ultra, ultra vulnerable.
[00:24:14] Speaker B: Yeah. When we know we've done wrong, we're just so exposed.
[00:24:16] Speaker A: We are completely exposed in that sense of shame. And when your partner steps into that vulnerability and says, I've got your back, like again, this is giving me goosebumps. When your partner steps in to that sense of shame and that sense of vulnerability and says, I've got your back, the connection you make between the two of you, the intimacy you build in that moment is second to none, you will not top it. And studies support this. They show that partners who provide supportive responses during difficult times, including mistakes, whatever it might be, they foster a stronger bond and they build trust. And this kind of support helps partners to feel understood and valued, even in their imperfections. And Stan Tatkin also goes on to talk about this. He argues that couples should adopt we're in this together mentality. And he suggests that supporting your partner through mistakes strengthens your reliance and reinforces the idea that the relationship is a safe space for growth and learning. This is a safe harbour. You do not have to be perfect here. And that we're in this together for me is so brilliant because when we. One of the things when we talk about becoming a team we're trying to get through and get across to everyone is it means that the team not only owns the wins, they own the losses, they own the stuff ups, they own the mistakes. And it is the team's responsibility to work to get things back on track. So if someone makes a mistake or behaves in a way that wasn't the right thing for them, they don't own that on their own. As hard as that might sound, you've agreed to become a team. Therefore you both owned coming back from that, you have a role in that. And when you have that role and you stand up and you say, I've got your back, that team surges forward, empowered, connected, bonded together. And it's a beautiful thing.
[00:26:16] Speaker B: This is the safe harbour. This is, no matter what, you know, when the chips are down, when one of us or both of us stuff up, we're our most vulnerable, our most exposed. We're in this together.
We have each other's back. And it's so. It's so important for people to feel that they're not alone in the world. And this is really the crux of it. When someone's got your back, you know, you're not alone and you have a safe harbor to. To retreat to when the world gets too tough and you're not doing as well as you should and you've got a place to go back to, to bask in the glory of your wins as well.
[00:26:59] Speaker A: And I just want to say, I don't want to end on a negative note, but I think it's important.
A lot of relationships that end will end because a partner felt in a crucial moment that their partner didn't have their back.
[00:27:14] Speaker B: They let.
[00:27:14] Speaker A: That will be the straw that breaks the camel's back, because you are so vulnerable in that space, and it will be the straw that breaks the camels back. So coming back to the positive side of that, that is the brilliance in being there for your partner when they do stuff up. When something does go wrong, it bonds you instead of breaks you.
[00:27:35] Speaker B: All right, sweetie, what was your golden nugget from that episode?
[00:27:39] Speaker A: I really just like the whole idea, as usual.
[00:27:42] Speaker B: I like the vibe.
[00:27:43] Speaker A: I like the vibe.
[00:27:44] Speaker B: I like the vibe of the show. That's a great vibe, actually.
[00:27:47] Speaker A: Well, I mean, I think this principle sounds simple and I think it isn't as simple in practice. And I like that we broke out some of the ways that you could really focus and think to yourself, you know, when you're making these changes in a relationship, a lot of these terms get thrown around, have your partner's back, whatever else. And you think, yeah, I've got that. But I think when we break them down and we want to build and grow our relationship, it's about being really intentional all the time in the little bits. Like, actually, let's think about those four examples Roger and Kim gave today and see. Do I show appreciation for them in private? Do I show my love in public? Do I celebrate their successes? Do I support them when they stuff up? I mean, that's a lot of work for someone. So I'm sure there's little bits in there that even if you're already feeling like, yeah, I probably have their back, most of the time, there's always opportunity for growth. You and I are always revising how well we work in this relationship and how good our effort. And often we'll say, sorry, I didn't get that right, I didn't have your back on that, or I didn't do this, and I'm going to work harder tomorrow for that. And that's just what a relationship is. There's always work to be done, always growth to be had in it. And this is just a great example of how, when you get really intentional on those things, the payoff can be there.
[00:29:04] Speaker B: Yeah, totally. I think I agree. And I feel, you know, it was really summed up by one of your last points, you know, that Stan Tatkin made about wearing this together. It's like, you know, it's beautiful, isn't it? Thick or thin, we're in this together.
You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:29:29] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:29:39] Speaker B: And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:29:47] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
