Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:01 Working on your relationship can be hard after all. Change usually takes time. But we all have that urge to feel like we are making progress today. We wanna see the needle is moving now, after all it's motivating and encouraging when we feel like we've got some momentum. So we've come up with five actions you can make today that will bring about change in your relationship immediately. These are simple and effective ways for you to start working as a team right now. So with that in mind, let's dive on in. Hey, we're Kim and Rod and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
Speaker 2 00:00:38 We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should we think about the future as a field of possibilities and we'll let joy be our compass.
Speaker 1 00:00:47 We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
Speaker 2 00:00:56 From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house ripping business, we've achieved some big dreams and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
Speaker 1 00:01:04 Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team. These are
Speaker 2 00:01:15 Relationship conversations for real people buy real people. So sit back, get comfort from whatever tickles you pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
Speaker 1 00:01:31 Okay, so today we are talking about relationship needle movers. And in fact, we're going to give five relationship needle movers that you can start today. And the purpose of this episode is really to give people a little bit of a leg up on how they can make an effort right now and then experience that difference. Because I think sometimes, uh, it can be discouraging and we know that for habit forming, this is one of the things they say. It can be discouraging if you don't see any progress and changing a relationship and the way relationship works does take time. And so what we are trying to do is give people a few little clues as to things that they could change today where they're going to actually have an impact today. So
Speaker 2 00:02:18 Yeah, well, needle moves are really important or you could, might, might see 'em now as quick wins. Um, you know, I had a mentor at work who used to talk about quick wins and that yeah, it's all good to have a program of work and a big project that might take six to 12 months. But if you wanna keep the board, um, or the exec involved, you want to keep their buy-in. If you want to keep the dogs at bay when things, you know, when they do wanna start seeing progress, make sure you always scatter a few quick wins in at the start. Cause it gets everyone feeling, Hey, we are moving, we are getting progress, we are going in the same direction. Um, they feel like more of a team. And of course, like you and I always like to say, we like to celebrate our wins. So you can do some like early on celebrations as well.
Speaker 1 00:03:00 A hundred percent. It is really so important to our mindset to experience that progress. So that's where we're, that's where we are coming from. And let's get into it.
Speaker 2 00:03:13 Yeah, let's kick it off. Um, you know, no rest for the wicked. So one of the first things I think we, um, wanna talk about today, and this is something that I definitely brought into my repertoire a few years ago. Uh, I think maybe perhaps Kim had been really pushing me to say this without pushing me to say it for the last 17 years. Previously before that. And this is going up to your partner, male, female, whoever, whichever side of the partnership is doing it and asking 'em at the start of the week, is there anything I can do to help or support you this week?
Speaker 1 00:03:47 It's such an important one, isn't it? And I think people are getting better at asking if there's something they can do to help when someone's in crisis, which is amazing because it's one of the most important ways you can support someone to deescalate when they're feeling like they're very dysregulated in crisis. But it's actually something that can be a and a fantastic proactive tool in a relationship. If you go to someone when they're not in crisis at, like you said the beginning of the week and just say, is there anything I can do to help or support you this week? And some of the ways that that helps the relationship first and foremost is it shows consideration for your partner. It shows a sense of selflessness and a sense more of the, the team in that space.
Speaker 2 00:04:36 Yeah. It shows that you've got their back. You know, I, I did this because I wanted you to know that one, I appreciate all the work you do. Two, I know that it's not just me and I'm not the most important person in this relationship. And that the efforts you put into this relationship for us and the team and the household and our little one, you know, are significant and worthy. And two, that, hey, like, you know, whether I see you struggling or not, that I do have your back and I'm here to help cuz I'm your teammate.
Speaker 1 00:05:06 Yeah. I think definitely it gives you the sense of someone having your back. And the other thing it does moving forward is when you do get into a bit of a pickle during the week in the relationship and maybe things get a little bit, uh, fractious and, and you're struggling a little bit, it will pop back into mind. Hang on a second, that person actually wants to help me. So you're going to build that credit. We talk a lot about build up that bank of, of understanding of one another, of connection with one another. And instead of heading down the, the very slippery slope of, uh, that person, you the negative talk around that person and why are they doing this et cetera, and
Speaker 2 00:05:45 Me versus you,
Speaker 1 00:05:46 Me versus you. That's right. Really it's about the adversary, which we talk a lot about. We wanna, we wanna get out of that adversarial, uh, space that a lot of relationships find themselves in. And it gives you, again, another point in the week where when things do get difficult, you can refer back and say, hang on, no, that person does have my best interest at heart. It might not be coming across right in this moment, but they ask me at the start of the week how they can help. So I do know they're thinking about me. Maybe they're also frustrated in this moment. Maybe they're also struggling in this moment. So, um, you know, what we are really talking about there is is that building of, of caring that sense that that person does care for you.
Speaker 2 00:06:26 Yeah. It's, it's trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes as well. Having a bit of empathy for them feels the empathy. Absolutely. And you know, um, you know, may I love to talk about my, uh, business analogies and my sporting analogies, but you know, it wouldn't be uncommon in a a really high functioning team for someone to go up to someone else in the team, either be a manager to their staff, staff to manager, or just to one of your colleagues and go, Hey, I can see you're under a bit of stress. Um, or I've got a bit of time. Or, Hey, I'm just here because I'm your team. We've got your back. Is there something I can do to support you with your work this week?
Speaker 1 00:07:00 That is so true. In a workspace we see that a lot more, right? Like, what can I do to help you? I can see you've got a lot on your plate coming up, whatever it is. But at home sometimes again, we get lost in those sort of siloed lives.
Speaker 2 00:07:14 Well, don't they see how much work I've got on? Yes. If I, if I go to them and say, Hey, well I want to help you out. Geez, that's just more on my plate. But that's the us versus them mentality versus the we, we have a lot on our plate today. We've got a lot of stuff we need to achieve. We're both under
Speaker 1 00:07:30 Pressure. I think you raise a really important point there though, Raj, the fear that if I lean into helping my partner, and I think this is a really common fear. If I lean into helping my partner, they're going to take more than I have in capacity to give. They're going to somehow see this as I, I've got free time. I'm, I'm not under stress and strain either. You know, I'm fine to help them. I've got all this freedom to do that. And w we know categorically that's actually not what happens. You're building empathy between the both of you. So instead of thinking that your partner sees this as a, a, like you are having a free ride and, and all of a sudden you're offering up some of that free ride time, the partner is much more likely to want to step into your shoes, reciprocate that, that, um, set that feeling and that space that you are creating by being empathic to them and, and they're going to actually think about all the things you have on and what's happening for you. It, I've never ever seen it such that the partner will think, oh, they've got so much time. That's what happens when they're offering me help is I think, wow, they must have time. What an awful
Speaker 2 00:08:42 Partner.
Speaker 1 00:08:43 It just doesn't happen like
Speaker 2 00:08:45 That. You, you see this on the footy field where if someone's lying on the ground, the teammate will come up to them and raise a hand and help them up. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, you know, that's, you know, one of it's to help, it's to help your teammate up cuz it's extra effort over a game. You do that a dozen times, but that's extra effort for that other person in a high, uh, uh, a high intensity, um, high performance sport where they've gotta expand energy and heading him up, but they're on the same team, they're in it together,
Speaker 1 00:09:07 But the guy lying on the ground doesn't think, oh, old mate must have heaps of spare energy because he lent his hand down. Does
Speaker 2 00:09:13 He? Yeah. Yeah. Well maybe the backs would think that about the forwards. Um, but <laugh> you lost me. Well you lost, right? Yeah. Okay. I've always, always pushed the sporting once too far. <laugh>. Um, but the point is you're on the same team. Yes. And of course what we want to do is, yes, you know, one of you might be listening to this and we're saying, go and start this this week. This is something you can start today mm-hmm. <affirmative>. But over time what we're, what we're saying is you'll be able to each week say this to each other. Okay, what can I help you out with to do and support you with this week? And they will come back and say that to you. How can you help support each other this week?
Speaker 1 00:09:48 Absolutely. And the other thing that this one does, and we're almost finished on this point, but I just wanna say that this one, uh, actually opens up a great opportunity for conversation around things that you might otherwise keep to yourself. You know, your partner might have, have quite a lot on their plate that they're actually not sharing with you for fear of burdening you for fear of not wanting to relive it day to day at home. Maybe they've got work issues, maybe they've had a disagreement with someone that's sitting really nicely with them and they're, they need a bit of support. Maybe they'll ask for support in the sense of, you know what? I need a bit more emotional support this week cuz I'm struggling. Or, or maybe I, i going for a walk would be a great way for me to clear my head. Or maybe I need to do some wellbeing stuff this week. Or maybe I just need you to like, make sure you take the rubbish out every day because it's driving me nuts and it's just gonna make me feel a bit more organized this week. Whatever it is, you are going to learn a little bit in that moment about where your partner's at and what's happening for them. And that is a really critical way of building that connection, building that trust bond, understanding, and the intimacy in the relationship.
Speaker 2 00:10:58 100%. All right, so next we're talking about active dates and I'll let you kick off with this one. Yep.
Speaker 1 00:11:03 So number two is active dates. Uh, we talk about active dates a lot on here. I know that's probably driving everyone nuts, banging on this drum, but they are just such a great way to connect in a relationship. They offer so many benefits. I mean, we've talked about this before. Obviously there's the, the obvious one, which is you get all the good hormones, the men get different hormones to the women when we have active dates. And the either way they both end up bonding, throughing the through the date. And the other. The other big thing that I think that active dates bring into a relationship is a sense of fun. We wanna enjoy the time we have with our partner. And something that we hear from couples is that they've lost that sense of fun together, that sense of enjoying that person's company. And like we spoke about in 0.1 where we were talking about asking your partner to, to support them and help them active dates actually build the friendship.
Speaker 1 00:12:09 So we wanna build that connection. As I was saying with the 0.1, we want to remove ourselves from, of the risk of feeling like we're adversaries. We wanna move towards feeling like when we have a disagreement with our partner, when we are not feeling great towards our partner, that we realize that it's in that moment and that we love this person and we sit in a space where we are more likely to feel positive about them than negative. And actually Gottman talks about the power of this. So the power of building friendship and that sense of positivity, and I'm sure everyone can relate to the spiral that can, that can occur when conflict occurs and disagreement occurs and we start having, having all the negative thoughts they build and they build. But what Gottman actually has discovered in his, uh, love lab is that when, when we build the friendship, when we have a really strong friendship basis, we actually create this thing.
Speaker 1 00:13:11 He calls positive sentiment override and positive sentiment override means that you are more likely to override the negative situations with a positive sentiment. And the flip side of that is negative sentiment override. And when you don't have the friendship basis, you, you sit often in the adversarial space where they're, they're against me, it's me against them. We're fighting for resources, we're fighting for consideration, for care, for empathy. Neither of us is giving it enough. Neither of us is experiencing it enough. And so you feel like you are competing for these, for these resources. And as a result everything gets tainted with the negative glasses. So one disagreement will be tainted with all the negative thoughts you have about the person. But on the flip side, if you build that friendship, you get the positive sentiment override. And I think that is just such a great way of understanding, uh, or thinking about how important it is to work on your relationship.
Speaker 2 00:14:15 I, I think we get away with a lot more in terms of how poorly we can treat our loved ones, uh, our partners compared to what we would if we treated our friends that way. I think if we treated our friends sometimes the way we yell condescend, and of course it is a different relationship, but you know, there's just no way that we'd let our friends get away with that. But however, of course our friends can be a massive pain in the ass sometimes, but because you've got a friendship, you understand that each of you are different, you bring different things to the table and you're just there for each other. And of course the sentimentality, the emotion, the heart, the love, passion in a relationship can really, I guess start to make the bond between a partnership different to a friendship. But I think if you've got that underlying sentiment of, hey, this is my, this, like you and I say this to each other, but you are my best friend, you know, I love you so much.
Speaker 2 00:15:12 And that's because of the way we do things together. And one of that is our active dates. Like in the last year we've gone kayaking together, we've played mini golf together. We, we went riding on scooters yesterday before we went to lunch. We just hired them off the street at great expense to our management. And um, we, we do this and it is different than if we just we're saying go out on a date day every week. But a lot of people just go out for a glass of wine and a dinner and, which is great. Like, trust me, we love doing that. But we are saying, go for a walk, go for a bush hike, put the joggers on, go play a game of tennis, you know, just go for a stroll on the beach. Do something active where your bodies are moving, where you can get in sync and you can talk to each other like you might do with one of your best mates. And that's how you really build that bond.
Speaker 1 00:15:59 Yeah, absolutely. We are not saying in a relationship you can't be yourself. I just wanna, you know, clarify you've said there like it's, it's not around, you know, you're saying we treat our friends differently and to our partners and we're not saying in the partnership you can only behave like you do in a friendship. What we are saying is we do have these terrible moments. We do. We we, because we feel safe in our relationship to, to show ourselves. And that's fine if you have a friendship basis, that's all it will be in the moment. But if you don't have the friendship basis, it will be something far greater. So active dates really promote, like you said, rod, you know, yesterday we went for the, um, for the scooter up the street to go and get some Japanese for lunch. It was, we, you know, our daughter had just gone back to school. We'd had school holidays and we wanted to have a little celebration and, and it was just, it's just funny getting on the scooter makes a giggle.
Speaker 2 00:16:57 We, instead of, instead of driving to Northbridge going and getting ice cream for dessert and then back, we literally back went for about a 20, 25 minute scooter up through the city over to get the ice cream sat, had our ice cream, and then, um, did the same thing back and it just, um, you said it to me this morning, you go, wow, it felt like our date day went for hours yesterday. Mm-hmm. As opposed to just a simple lunch out. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:17:20 Yeah. Was really fun. And it did, you know, build that connection and build that sense of friendship that we have. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:17:26 You don't have to be running, uh, you know, uh, suicides up the hills of, uh, Mount Clare Montour, you know, doing a rally in a, in a te in tennis. We're just saying get out in the out outdoor, get on
Speaker 1 00:17:37 The scooters,
Speaker 2 00:17:38 Get on the, get on the scooters. Yeah. Yeah. Get on the scooter. Everyone's, everyone's doing it. So do it.
Speaker 1 00:17:42 Togethers were a lot easier on the
Speaker 2 00:17:43 Scooter. Oh, not mine. My scooter was uh, must have been malfunctioning up the hill anyway, <laugh>.
Speaker 1 00:17:50 Okay. The third one, the third tip we have for people wanting to see some movement in their relationship today, a needle mover is to go to bed together. And we understand that, just wanna preface this cuz we don't wanna sound like we're out of touch. We understand that not everyone can achieve this. That there are different stages of life where this is extremely difficult. Or if you work evenings, your partner works evenings. This can be a really tough one. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:18:19 So, so go to bed, bed at the same time together.
Speaker 1 00:18:23 Oh, sorry. Yeah, you said
Speaker 2 00:18:24 Go to bed together and I was like, hey <laugh>. I mean
Speaker 1 00:18:27 That will definitely help your relationship as well.
Speaker 2 00:18:30 Sweet sweetie. Um, I've got a needle mover for you, <laugh>. You can move my needle. <laugh>, please
Speaker 1 00:18:37 Continue moving on. Um, so yes, go to bed at the same time together. That might lead to going to bed together in other ways, but what we are referring to is more actually, uh, finding the connection that you get from laying in bed together at the same time in the evening. Again, like I said, it's not always achievable. There are different things you might have to maneuver to get to bed at the same time for us, one of us does bedtime at the moment with our daughter and the other one will often wait in bed because it can take a long time to get her down and they'll wait in bed for that person to come in and just, you know, even that little questioner when you come in, is everything okay? You okay? Gone to bed. Okay. Yeah, it's a lovely sense of connection and consideration for the other person.
Speaker 1 00:19:19 And, and that leads to what, you know, you get next, which is a moment to connect as often, you know, we are talking to parents here as parents outside of having your child around. And all of the research shows that some of our most important conversations happen at bedtime when we have that sense of, because we feel nurtured, we feel more comfortable, we feel more safe, the pressures of the day are behind us and we actually have space mentally to and physically because the children aren't there. If you, if you have the situation where the children aren't there to have these conversations to, to open up about the things that you haven't had space for during the day,
Speaker 2 00:20:04 E even if it's just a little five to 10 minutes of how, how, how are you really, you know, how's your week been? What's, um, what's something I can do to, to help you out this week? And um, so many, so many of these conversations actually start with a big sigh, <laugh>. Oh. It's like, hey, hey, are you okay? Yeah. Oh, you know, it's just like you'll, this is where Kim will often at the end of, um, when she comes, I come to bed and she, she'll or one of us come bench sigh and I go, oh, is everything okay baby? Oh, maybe 1, 2, 3, 4 is stressing me out. And um, you know, we'll, we'll try and get through half of them, but, uh, it is actually,
Speaker 1 00:20:40 I think, I think though it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be like a big negative session and I don't think our nighttime chats are, it sort of feels like maybe they are the way you're describing them
Speaker 2 00:20:51 <laugh> <laugh>.
Speaker 1 00:20:53 But I think I do process outwardly. So for me they're an opportunity to process a couple of things before we turn the light out and go to sleep and to get your input on them. And I find that extremely helpful. I don't know what it sort of occurs from your side. I'd actually
Speaker 2 00:21:11 Interested to, it's interesting because uh, I was talking to some of my mates who have been home recently and I was, I was very surprised, but maybe not so surprised at how many of them listened to podcasts to go to sleep. What they said about listening to podcasts at night was that it just helped them shut off the world and not stress about all the things they've got going on in their day. Mm. And wouldn't it be nice if, you know, when it's not gonna get rid of all the stresses, but if the guys out there as well as the, as well as the girls could actually not just be supportive for their partners when they come. Who, like you outwardly process a bit more than I do, but actually, um, reciprocate and go, Hey, actually I'm thinking about this, this, and this and it is stressing me out a little bit. Or Oh, I was just wondering about this or I'm excited for that.
Speaker 1 00:22:02 Yeah, I absolutely agree. And I think the conversation generally between us does go a little bit like that. It's not so much like I've got five problems. It's like this, you know, just a gentle like, oh this is, you know, I'm a little bit nervous about this or I'm, I'm struggling with this. And, and just a, a like a, a lovely moment to have that shared with someone and not have to take that into sleep by yourself. And the other thing that is really cool about going to bed at the same time is research is showing that you actually get in sync with your partner's sleep patterns quite often. So what happens is your cycles sync up together, which means when you wake in the morning, you've had a similar style of sleep. So whether you've had a good sleep or a bad sleep, it's probably both of you on the same page. Hopefully a good sleep. Because when you're in the same pattern, it does provide comfort to the person sleeping. And what they've actually shown is that when you are synced up with your partner, you have a, uh, better quality of REM sleep, which is the really important part of the sleep cycle. So that's really cool. You can get some sleep benefits to sinking up your bedtime so
Speaker 2 00:23:13 You could actually get a better sleep by going to bed at the same time after a while.
Speaker 1 00:23:17 Yes. That's a much more succinct wave saying
Speaker 2 00:23:19 <laugh>. Usually it's you babe. So this is, there's one <laugh>. So yeah. So, uh, let's go on to the fourth needle mover. This is something you can discuss at bed or you can discuss on your date dates, or you can just do over coffee every morning. And this is asking your partner what their peak of the week was or their peak of the month or their peak of the year. And we can also add on to that is what was your low light? What was the trth of your week? And and this one, this one's close to, I'd say it's close to my heart. I think it's actually closer to Kim's heart. So when growing up I'm, I'm quite close with my cousins growing up. We used to at our, uh, you know, family with the aunties and all the cousins for birthdays or roasts or whatever, we'd all get together in my auntie land at the end of every dinner would go, okay everyone, it's time for peak of the week or peak of the holiday, peak of the day, peak of the day <laugh> and outta practice course there'd be like 15 of us there.
Speaker 2 00:24:14 And so after the fifth person, uh, so we go around the table and say, okay, what was your best thing of the day, your peak of the day? And of course there's always be these groans and uh, oh my god, not for me. And of course, so then of course, you know, Kim and I met when we were 18 so she started coming to all these birthdays and dinners and she just thought this was the business.
Speaker 1 00:24:34 Yeah. It's really funny when I think back on it, what tickled my pickle so much about it. And it was so lovely to be able to share with people around the table something that made me happy, something that I enjoyed. It was so lovely because one I got to, to share that moment with, with everyone, but also it's such an a lovely gratitude practice. Yeah. And I think that's really what I took out of it was getting to outwardly say, that was great and I'm really grateful that happened. I'm really grateful that I had that moment. Or I did that thing or someone did that thing for me or I experienced that. Or you know, it could be as simple as the, the sunset this morning. You know, the sunset this morning?
Speaker 2 00:25:26 Yeah. Oh good. Some, someone always the
Speaker 1 00:25:28 Sunrise this morning,
Speaker 2 00:25:29 Someone always, someone would always steal the, oh, it would be this dinner auntie land cuz she, she she'd be make us something and then one was like, oh, that's why. Cause you can't do the same one, but you're a hundred percent right. It was everyone around the table going about how saying what gra how grateful they are for something. And of course there's lots of, uh, PD people out there saying, you know, do a gra gratitude journal, say how grateful you are. Which, which is great. Kim and I also do that in the mornings. But actually what we often do is what was the peak of your week? What was the peak of your day yesterday at lunch we said, what was the peak of your school holidays and what was the trough like? You know, school holidays been tough. So we talked about some of the tough times, but then we also spoke about some of the, the great times, some of the good times. And one that built that sort of team environment again is that hey, we were in that together and also made us, I guess sit there and go, how lucky are we? How lucky are we that we get to share in this even though sometimes things can be tough? And that actually then starts to lead us to some deeper conversations.
Speaker 1 00:26:27 That was that gratitude piece, wasn't it? And gratitude does lead you to deeper conversations because you just get below the surface of, of all the little frustrations and you focus more on what's meaningful to you, what is working for you, what is giving you joy in life. And it's a really important thing to remember to practice. And again, you have to practice how to do these things so you have to do it over and over again, and you get better and better at it and all of a sudden you'll build that, that gratitude muscle, that that lens of looking for the positives rather than the negatives will get bigger and bigger.
Speaker 2 00:27:02 Even just talking to your partner and talking about the lives and the, and your trials and tribulations and your victories and your wins, absolutely. You'll start to get better and better at doing it. And so when, you know, as we always say, when the poop hits the prop, you go, well hey, we're good at talking about this stuff. We're good at having the hard conversations. We're good at coming up and improvising.
Speaker 1 00:27:22 You know, it's such a cool thing because it's such a small activity and so easy to be out. Like there's very low barrier to entry for a partner to be able to answer the question, what was the peak of your day? A hundred percent. Yeah. Right. It's so easy. We are not asking for miracles. It could be something really simple like, you bought me a new toothpaste, or I bought a new toothpaste yesterday and it just tasted amazing. Yeah. Awesome. That's great. That just whatever your answer is, you know, for all the toothpaste aficionados out there, whatever your answer is, you are starting to share with that person what you're grateful for. You're both starting to be looking at your lives together and what, what is, what is being shared in the gratitude space, what you're both doing that that's causing gratitude in the relationship and you are practicing how to converse about what matters to you. And it's just honestly like, it's such a simple little exercise that as you are saying, rod can lead to far better conversations, far more meaningful conversations and make those conversations so much easier, right? Like we're always saying, you have to practice these things. These things take time change is not overnight as much as we'd like it to be, but these little tips we're giving you today are things you can implement straightaway and see a difference straightaway. And over time they will just get better and better and easier and easier.
Speaker 2 00:28:45 And I think you'll be surprised at how quickly things will start to snowball and you will see improvement. Agreed. You'll get this little win, you'll have this little conversational, you'll start to get better at it and all of a sudden you'll realize, hey, we're we are doing this quite a lot and all of a sudden we are talking more, you know, we never seem to, all we seem to used to talk about is how is your sleep last night? Which was great because we went to bed together at the same time. But, um, you know, it, it's just funny from, I always say it, you know, from little things, big things grow, but I think yeah, the improvement you see will be faster than you actually think it will be.
Speaker 1 00:29:18 Now I've got that song in my
Speaker 2 00:29:20 Head, always, always such a good one. <laugh>. Um, or I had, um, all the small things by Blink 180 2 the other day. Bang in my head I'll write a blog about it. <laugh>. Okay, so the last one, last needle mover we want to talk about today is, this is number gets
Speaker 1 00:29:33 Me excited, just, just getting ready to say it. Is
Speaker 2 00:29:36 Is set, set and complete a challenge together.
Speaker 1 00:29:40 Yes. Oh my god, I absolutely love this one. Which probably says a lot about my personality. Love a
Speaker 2 00:29:45 Challenge,
Speaker 1 00:29:46 Love a challenge. I love the hard work, I love the planning, the dreaming <laugh>, uh, all of it just like totally tickles my pickles. Probably why I've run a couple marathons, these sorts of things just like really, they, they just light me up. I don't know why, just wired that way. But anyway, as a, as a team setting and completing a challenge can be a really powerful way to start moving the needle. And it doesn't need to be running a marathon together like we have. That was a fantastic challenge and that actually was extremely important in our relationship at the time.
Speaker 2 00:30:20 That was one of the first big ones where we really worked as a team planned together and then achieved something.
Speaker 1 00:30:25 Yeah. And it, and it felt absolutely amazing. And we have referred to that many times in the years subsequent as lesson, lesson for us in lessons for us in life on what we could do, what we were able to plan for, what we were able to achieve. But it doesn't need to be that big. You can set and complete a challenge like the herb garden. I really wanna do a little herb garden and, and you can make it real, like we say with everything, when you're creating a new habit, you wanna start so tiny that it's impossible not to begin because it's so ridiculously small what the challenge is. So if if setting out a larger herb garden is too big, we are going to buy one pot and we're going to plant one herb together on the weekend. Again, I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's how you begin. We
Speaker 2 00:31:12 Have to plan it. You have to set out this is what it's gonna look like. This is what our budget is, this is where we're gonna start, this is where we're gonna do it, and we're gonna do it together. And, and where
Speaker 1 00:31:21 Are we gonna put the pot? When are we going to Bunnings to get the stuff? Yeah. All of those things are conversations. It's, it's about having a beginning, a middle, and an end together and and reaping the rewards.
Speaker 2 00:31:32 Yeah. Th this is a massive win-win and we'll go through, through some other examples. I mean, Kim and I love this because we run a business together and so we are constantly setting goals, uh, putting a plan on how to achieve them, quantifying that through a budget and then going out and trying to achieve it. So we're, we're constantly getting this, this dual benefit, this win-win of, I'll talk on the guy side here is that, but um, you know, the, the science says that when uh, a man achieves sets out to achieve something and does it with another person and then goes and, and attempts to achieve or does achieve it, that bond becomes very, very strong. You can see this with war veterans, you can see this with um, high performance athlete, but it also works with me, the male female relationship as well. So for men, if you and women, if you do something with your partner, if you set up, you make a plan set up to achieve it together and then do achieve it, that bond becomes so strong and the chemical is,
Speaker 1 00:32:33 Sorry, can I just stop you for a sec cuz this is a really interesting point you're making. So what you're saying is for a guy actually setting a goal and then going and achieving it with their partner is how they bond
Speaker 2 00:32:49 That that is how they, that is one of the ways that they bond and it's a very strong way to bond. It's, it releases this camel cord vasopressin, which uh,
Speaker 1 00:32:58 Um, we're not experts on.
Speaker 2 00:32:59 We're not experts. That stuff at Adam, Adam Lane Smith, if you want to go read up Adam Lane Smith, he's a go on socials as well. Um, and he talks a lot about vasopressin, about how that, you know, if, um, women, if you wanna really bond with your guide guys, you wanna bond with your women. Cause it leads to heaps of benefits is that you, you go, you set a goal together, a quest, he calls it, set a quest and go achieve it together. And on the other side you've got another way to win. And Kim, you can talk about this.
Speaker 1 00:33:26 So for women, the trust,
Speaker 2 00:33:28 Yeah, it's, it's all about the trust
Speaker 1 00:33:30 Is, I assume that's what you're referring to because that's what comes up for me is when when, when we say we are going to do something and we follow through together as a team, for me that is the ultimate example of how I can trust you. If your partner has showed you through different scenarios that when they say they're going to do something and they commit to that plan, they actually deliver As a woman, I know that you feel far more, far safer, which is really one of the absolute foundations for a strong relationship is a sense of safety in the relationship. Full safety, unpromised safety. You are going to feel far safer if you if you've seen your partner follow through before because it's built that trust. I know this person follows through. So I'm safe in this space and, and as a woman, that is a really important thing and, and research tells us that as well, that women, that women build trust through observing and experiencing follow through from their partner.
Speaker 2 00:34:38 Yeah, I think, you know, so many, um, you know, when some people say, you know, oh, I've got trust issues with my partner, it's not always about, you know, infidelity, it's not always about lying. A lot of it's to do is what they're just not doing what they said they do or they're doing things they said they wouldn't do. And so this is a great one for guys because as we said, we love quests, we love a challenge. If you can bring your partner along on the journey, get them involved, all of a sudden you are showing them and say, Hey look, I can make a plan, commit to something and achieve it and you know, you are gonna come on this journey with me and we're gonna do it together. And of course, like we always say, it's not just about what you actually do achieve. So much of it is the inverted commerce, uh, journey. It's the actual, the process of what you are doing is probably more powerful than the actual achievement of the goal you set out to do in the first place.
Speaker 1 00:35:31 Yeah, absolutely. Okay, well I think that's our five, our five needle mover tips for people, uh, there today. So just to run over those succinctly, number one ask, is there anything I can do to help or support you this week? Number two, put active dates in the schedule. You need to schedule dates if you wanna change your behaviors and if you wanna make them regular, you need to put them in the schedule. Number three, go to bed together at the same time. Number four, discuss weekly or monthly whatever is feasible for you. You can start with monthly, what was the peak and what was the trough of the week or month? And number five, the last one we've just discussed, set and complete a challenge together. And if you put even one of those in place today, you will start to see the momentum build in your relationship.
Speaker 2 00:36:24 Yeah, and I think when you start both doing this, that's when you're really gonna start feeling that connection, that bond that might not have been there for the last few days, months, years as life, uh, just does, always gets away with you. So the, we feel these little needle movers are just a good little life hack to a relationship hack to get you back going in the right direction. So that's our show for today. Kim, what was the gold nugget you took out of it?
Speaker 1 00:36:49 I mean, for me, what's tickled? My pickle no doubt was the set and complete a challenge. If I was back where we were, you know, a decade ago and I heard this podcast, that would be the one that I would be taking to you and saying, that's what I, I see as feasible right now for us. Let's set and complete a challenge. And that just actually really excites me. So I guess something that stood out for me as I'm saying that would be that find what's got the lowest resistance for you out of what we've said and just start at that point.
Speaker 2 00:37:23 That's great. I look for me it was, um, number one, which was ask, is there anything I can do to help us support you this week? And number four, what was your peak of your week or your peak of trough of the week? Because these are simple questions that can start powerful conversations. And again, start small, have these little conversations. Your partner, if you do this enough, will start doing it back with you. And then all of a sudden you are talking, you're communicating and you're connecting. You are amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
Speaker 1 00:37:59 Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living, the team life, relationship, insights and conversations, head over to kim and rod.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
Speaker 2 00:38:09 And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
Speaker 1 00:38:17 Until next time, keep on living the team life.
