Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: We all know a fun couple when we see one. But what makes a fun couple? Well, fun. It's not always about being the life of the party or the funniest in the room. Instead, it's about those couples who seem to genuinely enjoy each other's company, no matter the setting. From dreaming about the future together to finding ways to relax and de stress, fun couples have a unique knack for making the most out of every moment. So whether you're aiming to inject more fun into your relationship or just curious about these joyful dynamics, join us as we dive into what keeps these couples laughing and loving together.
Hey, we're Kim and Rog and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:46] Speaker B: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should, we think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:54] Speaker A: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:01:03] Speaker B: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house stripping business, we've achieved some big dreams. And most importantly, we feel fulfilled in having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:12] Speaker A: Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts, and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:22] Speaker B: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfy in whatever tickles you pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
We all know the fun couple in our group of friends, right? Maybe you're thinking, hey, that's us. That's definitely us. And of course, it can be more than just one fun couple in a group. Do you see yourselves as the fun couple? Or maybe do you wish you were the fun couple? Or maybe you just wish not comparing yourselves to anyone, you just had a little bit more fun in your relationship. The other thing is, we all have our own definitions of fun. So while some couples might like to go to a comedy show, others might prefer to go to a museum. While some couples might like to cook together, other couples might like to play Scrabble or something like that. We all have our own definitions of fun. However, Kim and I believe there are certain characteristics within all fun couples, and so that's what we're going to go through today.
[00:02:27] Speaker A: Yeah, this is just a sweet episode, really. We just talked about the idea of how important fun is in a relationship, and we were talking about how you recognize fun. And I guess that's why you brought that up, Roger, at the start, that we recognize it often in other couples. We certainly know we have some of our friends.
They're really fun couples. You know, when you go out to lunch with them, it's going to be a blast. You know, if you catch up with them on a rough day, you're still going to have some fun. They are just really fun, energetic people to be around. And as you say, there's, it doesn't matter what you do that makes you fun. What makes you fun is being yourselves and really enjoying your time together in a playful way. And that's really what we want to get down to today, is to look at what makes you in a relationship playful and fun. What gives you that sense of fun? Because there are common traits across what you'd call the fun couples, of course.
[00:03:31] Speaker B: And not only that, the research is pretty definitive here, and it might seem obvious, but yes, fun couples do, do have longer, stronger, better connected relationships. And that's what we all want, isn't it? So let's now go through what are the characteristics that define a fun couple.
[00:03:52] Speaker A: All right, so the first one that we were able to identify was actually they have a team identity, so they share an identity. And part of that identity is that they're fun. So a fun couple knows they're fun. They know they're fun. And it's not just about what I said in the introduction around looking fun to other people from an overt, extroverted sense of fun. It's about being playful within your relationship. It doesn't have, you don't have to be the loudest at the table. You don't have to be the most.
[00:04:27] Speaker B: Extroverted or always cracking jokes.
[00:04:29] Speaker A: Always cracking jokes. That doesn't necessarily exude fun. What exudes fun is this way you engage with your partner, a playfulness, a lightheartedness in the spirit of your engagement together. And things that bring about that sort of lightheartedness are certainly the fact that you own, that you believe that's who you are. You might have a team name or a team motto that encompasses that sense of fun spirit. Like Hamish blake and Zoe blake. They have Zoe foster blake. Sorry, they have family t shirts with the family name on them. And when they go to Disneyland or they go on their bike trips, they name themselves. Blake's doing this, or blake's on bikes. And it's such a fun, fun way of engaging in the relationship and owning the identity of being fun.
[00:05:20] Speaker B: Yeah. So much of our identity is the stories we tell ourselves. I've heard them called these invisible scripts, and really that saying that if you identify as a fun couple, if you're always going, hey, we're the fun couple. We are a fun couple. You're more likely to live into that. You know, if you say to yourself, well, we're not the fun couple, or, we're not really the fun couple, are we? You're more likely to live into that. So identify.
[00:05:45] Speaker A: That is so true, isn't it? Like, oh, that's not us. But fun doesn't have to be that literal sense of being the funniest. It's not the same thing. They're different things.
[00:05:55] Speaker B: Yeah. You just having fun together. We're a couple that has fun together. And why identity is important is because if something comes up, it's, you know, and it's like, oh, should we do that or should we not? You'll go, well, it will be fun, and we're a fun couple, so let's go do it. It's like, literally this morning, sweetie, you, um, you said to me you were wanting to go for do some laps in the pool together, and I was like, oh, I can't be sick. Stuffed. You know, maybe we'll go for a walk this and that, the other. And then I stopped and said, no, we're a couple that does hard things, and I don't want to go to the pool for laps this morning. But I literally said to you, but do you know what the hard thing to do this morning would to be to jump in the pool and do two k. And so that's what we.
[00:06:38] Speaker A: Went and did 100%. And because I believe that as well, and I see us as a couple who does hard things. That's one of the. One of the mottos we love to live by.
When you said it, it just. Same thing for me. Just sparked straight away. I was like, that's right. We are those people. And so let's go.
[00:06:54] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:54] Speaker A: And to inject a little bit of fun, it sounds super fun to everyone else, but we walked there, and it is more lighthearted. We weren't just driving to the pool.
[00:07:02] Speaker B: Get the laptop to get it done, just to get it done.
[00:07:04] Speaker A: We walked and we had some jokes and some laughs on the way in the sunshine, and it's only a ten minute walk, but it did inject a little bit of fun. Into it as well, of course.
[00:07:12] Speaker B: So the next characteristic of a couple that is seen as a fun couple, that is a fun couple, is they have shared rituals. Now, one of our first ever podcasts was called how to add the richness of rituals to your relationship. It was a bit of a tongue twister, but really that was about, I guess, locking in habitual things that are distinctly you to add a bit of fun to your relationship, to add a bit of connection in your relationship. But fun couples do have shared rituals. They have pancake Sundays, they have fish and shit Fridays, they have movie nights, and all these little things about the movie night, they always get jaffers, they always order from the same pizza store. They, you know, one day is like, oh, it's my turn to choose the movie. And it doesn't matter. You have to suffer through it. You know, it doesn't matter. Which is fun. Suffering is fun. That's not what I'm saying. But, you know, it's those little things like that. And the other thing is, they'll also annex cheeky little activities to maybe something difficult. So Kim and I, you know, we will go for a beach run and swim, which is tiring. And, yeah, it's beautiful down the beach. And then, oopsie Daisy, we've gone past the bakery and grabbed a cinnamon scroll on the way home.
[00:08:27] Speaker A: It's not even oopsie Daisy. It is a ritual, and so it's a given. If we didn't stop at the bakery, we'd be like, well, hang on a second, what did I do wrong today?
[00:08:38] Speaker B: Yeah. Or if we're doing a podcast, that's like, hey, we had a tough day doing podcasts. We did a few back to back. We're doing pizza and Chardonnay for dinner tonight, and we're having a relax, you know, nothing, nothing on the cards. Just chill out. And that's a little ritual we have. So adding those rituals, what it does, it sets you up for success, ongoing to make sure you are continuing to have fun. And actually, that's a great little segue to our next characteristic.
[00:09:06] Speaker A: Yeah, the next one's great. And it's about planning novelty. And I think that might sound a bit odd to people, like, how do you plan novelty? But let me break it down. Novelty is about learning new things. And when we're children and focused, let me say mostly on fun in life, because we don't have anything else going on. We love to learn new things. We're so open to these things because our whole experience is about growing ourselves as little people learning about the world, engaging in the world, having fun. That's what being a child is. And doing novel things as an adult brings us back to that childish experience of wanting to try new things, of wanting to experience new things. And when we're in that state, when we feel like we're reliving that childhood experience, we remove a lot of the rules we've set up for ourselves. We feel less bound by the societal expectations.
We have to work to find this novelty. As an adult, though, it doesn't just come like as a child, when, you know, most of the places you go are new, they're new experiences, they're novel for you. So there's something engaging for you when you're a child. You go to a holiday home and oh, my God, it's the most exciting novel thing ever because you've never been to that home before. As an adult, we really have to push hard to find novel experiences. And that's why we've called this plan novelty. It's really important that you plan doing new things together. Sharing novelty together means sharing the fun of being more childlike with your partner.
[00:10:49] Speaker B: Yeah. So an example is in a, in three weeks time, on a Friday, I just saw something online, some people walking in the Swan Valley, and I was like, oh, my God, like, Kim and I should totally do this. We're super busy in the next two to three weeks. So in three weeks time, I said, we're going to drop our little one at school, we're going to head to the Swan Valley. We're going to do a like two and a half hour hike because this waterfalls happening at the moment. And then I looked and there's like a winery that has weekday winter special lunches. So it's like half the price as usual. So we're locking in a walk we've never done before. We're going to a winery. We're just doing something different. It's going to connect us, it's going to bond us, it's going to be fun. And we've got it locked in for three weeks time. So throughout this next two to three weeks of business, where we might not have as much time to connect, where we might be feeling little busy, we've got a bit of a pot of gold or a carrot to really drive us and motivate us. Or if we're just so head down, bum up, too busy to even think about it, all of a sudden it's going to be the Friday and we're going to go, oh, hot. Yeah. How good is this. That's gonna have. We're gonna have a great time. Yeah.
[00:12:01] Speaker A: Let me get my piping hot shirt.
[00:12:04] Speaker B: There's nothing wrong with piping hot.
[00:12:06] Speaker A: No, I didn't say there was.
[00:12:08] Speaker B: It's cause you're a billabong and rip curl girl.
[00:12:12] Speaker A: I was not. As a child, I worked hard for the billabong.
[00:12:18] Speaker B: So the next characteristic of a fun couple is they do challenges together. And not only that, they can challenge each other in that challenge as well. And you might not think that a hard challenge is naturally fun, but often what it will bring is a little bit of healthy competition between you, and it will also help you push each other. Now, there's nothing wrong with a bit of rivalry in the relationship. You see that in great sports teams as well. I know. I read Chris Judd's biography, who was a famous australian football many years ago, and what he said is, when he was at West coast, he said, we were a team. Of course, they were a premiership team, but there was always this little internal rivalry between him and his midfielders, who were seen as the best midfielders in the competition of who could go the fastest, who could go the hardest at training. And it's the same in your relationship. Yes, you're on the same team, but there's a little bit of competition. Kim and I love mini golf. It's a bit of a. I don't know, it's a bit of a ritual, what we do every six months or something like that. We'll go find a new mini golf course, but we actually are keeping score, you know? And I think Kim actually might be ahead on the scorecard.
[00:13:31] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, that's a. I don't know if I call that a challenge, but it definitely brings out the rivalriness. I think something that we sort of do together quite often is set ourselves little fitness challenges, wellbeing goals, and we do treat it as a little bit of cheeky rivalry. And although we tell people not to keep score when we have a challenge, when there's a fun base to it, you kind of rebel against the not keeping score and actually lean into the funness of keeping score without any disrespect or harshness or wanting to be better than the other person. You just want to enjoy the competitiveness of it together, you want to share in the jokes around it and the little, you know, argy bargey that comes from it. And I know that for us, it builds a connection to each other and it keeps us engaged in the challenge.
[00:14:27] Speaker B: I think that's an important one as well.
The days, again, you might not want to show up because you're too tired or can't be bothered. There's a little bit of a competitive edge where you're like, hey, I can see my partner showing up. And so you're like, hey, I'm going to push myself a little bit harder to keep up. So even though there's a bit of healthy rivalry in there, there's also a bit of, you get inspiration and motivation from your partner as well, which is really fun. I guess there's camaraderie there.
[00:14:55] Speaker A: Yes, camaraderie is a good one. That's definitely a touch to fun.
All right, next, we were thinking what something that's really important for couples that are having fun in their relationship is actually to have the space for fun. So thinking about how you can create space. Space for fun is doing activities like mindfulness and relaxation, yoga, breath work, if those all sound a bit airy, fairy because you haven't really done them before.
One, they're wonderful and they're really quite easy once you get going. But if that's a bit out too far outside your comfort zone, even something like a slow walk where you deliberately go on the walk to notice nature. So go in Bush and there's bushwalks in the city. You don't even have to leave the city. We have multiple bush walks around us and we're in the city.
[00:15:45] Speaker B: Kings park is an amazing one.
[00:15:47] Speaker A: Brilliant one. We absolutely love going to Kings park. So spending that time in a, in a relax, let's say relaxation activity that is going to help remove the stress from the relationship and create more space to be fun. Because the reality is all these suggestions are great, but if you are in a super strung out space, you're going to find it really, really hard to have fun. You're going to find those cheeky moments insulting. You're going to find those comments that are meant to be a little bit like in jokes that create fun, frustrating. So to be able to engage in a fun space, you really do need to remove the stress from the relationship. Not all of it. That's not possible, but removes some of the stress, I should say, from the relationship.
[00:16:35] Speaker B: Yeah. We discussed on a recent episode about this catch 22 where fun is scientifically proven to relieve stress. And it makes sense, right? If you're having fun, then you're less likely to be stressed. But it has, I guess, an ongoing effect of, of relieving stress. However, if you're stressed, it's harder to have fun. So you're less likely to get the benefit of the stress relief of the fun. So, you know, it's a vicious cycle. It's not great. So actually working with your partner to do some mindfulness, to do some relaxation. An example is Kim and I go do yoga every now and then. I don't really enjoy yoga, especially not by myself, but having Kim by my side when I'm trying to do the.
[00:17:25] Speaker A: Oh, my God, I thought you loved it.
[00:17:28] Speaker B: I love yoga with you, so.
But I do enjoy it more. It's definitely not something I'd go and do myself, but when we go down together, every time I do it, I feel far more relaxed, way less stressed immediately, and then in the day or two after, totally. And my body feels better because I'm carrying less tension and my mind feels more clear. And I wouldn't do that if it wasn't for Kim. And of course, when I'm in a better headspace, I'm less. I'm more likely to do, like, amazing comedy at home and all that sort of stuff even.
[00:18:04] Speaker A: I think, like, we walk to a lot of the activities we do because we're really lucky. We have a lot of that stuff around us. I think you notice the difference between the walk to and the walk home, right? Whether it's yoga or whether it's going for a swim together or going to play mini golf or whatever it is, walking there, you're never as jovial or never as fun as when you've created the space. When you've gone and done something that's relaxing and enjoyable, that walk home is always more jovial and lighthearted. And what I'm saying is easier to engage in a fun way after you've had that opportunity to relax together.
[00:18:39] Speaker B: Yeah, 100%. So our final characteristic of couples that are fun couples is they dream of the future together.
Dreaming lights you up. It's fun to imagine a crazy, different life together. It's fun to laugh about a different future. It's fun to unshackle yourselves from the ho hum dame today. Stress that can constrict your thoughts and can stop you, I guess, thinking of a better life. That's not to say you don't enjoy your life as it is now, but it's hard to see for the forest from the trees sometime. So spending the time to dream of the future, to vision border of the future, to visualize the future with your partner together and all the cool stuff you're going to do together in the future, whether it's a holiday coming up or it's a new home you're buying or it's a, you know, a renovation you're going to do to the house or, you know, you're going to buy a hobby farm or anything it does. That's the point. It's your dreams, but you're doing it together. That's fun.
[00:19:48] Speaker A: Yeah. Dreaming is such a great one. It's. It's one of my favorite things to do. We talk a lot about it here. Obviously, it's part of what we believe in, in having a success relationship. First, build the foundation and then you can work towards living your dream life.
In terms of the fun aspect of it.
I don't know, a couple that hasn't at some point been away on holiday and started dreaming about a different life together, started dreaming about, imagine living here. And you know what? Let's buy a hobby farm and you can have a tractor and I'll have a pottery wheel and it'll be amazing. Really.
That sort of dreaming is about saying, imagine how fun that would be. Imagine. And when you do that, you get those feelings of fun. It lights up those parts of the brain. It's really enjoyable to share that with the person you love. So I think dreaming is an absolutely brilliant way to have some fun with your relationship and move towards being a more fun couple in the sense that that becomes. Because what we're talking about today is we want that to become your mo, we want that to be your norm, is that we engage in a fun way together. It's not always going to be fun, but if you start practicing that and using these traits that we've talked about today, perhaps as a guide to do that, you will find that it becomes your fallback position. And for us, when we're in a stressful time of life, we. You're remembering, you revert to your habits in the most stressful times. That's where. That's your baseline. You revert to who you are as a baseline. So in our most stressful times, because being fun is a core part of our identity as a couple, we firmly believe that when we are stressed out, we revert to fun.
We laugh in the worst moments, we crack jokes, we have a jab at each other that we know is fun because we can, because that is our baseline. And the more you practice these things, the more it will become your norm.
[00:21:49] Speaker B: That's right. So we're just going to run these back quickly for you. The characteristics of what makes a fun couple. So they have a team identity that includes being fun.
They have shared rituals they plan their novelty, they do challenges together, they do mindfulness and relaxation together, and they dream together. And I love what you said there, sweetie, about they have an identity to fall back on in tough times of being fun. And a lot of this also is setting up structures in your life. So when life does get too busy, your modus operandi is to go and have fun or to have things about you that make you fun, which can just keep your head above water as a couple. When things get really tough in your life and when things are going good, it elevates you to the next level.
[00:22:40] Speaker A: Oh, I like that. All right, Roger, what was your favourite thing, your gold nugget out of today's episode?
[00:22:45] Speaker B: My gold nugget was really that the reason we chose the word characteristics is because I think these are quite fundamental. And it didn't matter what shared ritual you had, it didn't matter what novelty is to you, it doesn't matter what your definition of a challenge is, it doesn't matter how you relax and it doesn't matter what your dreams of the future are.
They are relevant to you, but you do them together and you do them frequently. And that's what makes you a fun couple. And so it is accessible to anyone. It's accessible to you because you're doing it your way. Babe, what's your gold nugget?
[00:23:27] Speaker A: I think for me it was the identity piece. I think identity is such a big thing. And we've spoken about James clear a lot on this show because I love his book atomic habits, so, so, so, so much. And he talks about habits and the different stages of actions becoming habits. And ultimately, to embody a habit, you need to make it part of your identity. You become it. It's who you see yourself as and exactly what Rog said. We believe we are people who do hard things. So today we went and did the swim, even though you could say neither of us wanted to do it. Oh, you want to go for a walk instead? Oh, yeah, maybe.
Who you are and when you annex to yourself your identity, that you are someone who has fun, that you see the light in life even when it's super dark, that you're able to laugh in a black humor way, when life gives you just truckloads of lemons, that sort of identity piece is super important. You have to believe that's who you are. And you build towards that with habits, with practices. You do it over and over again, enough, until it becomes who you see yourself as. And then it's just easy. That's just how you engage in life.
[00:24:46] Speaker B: You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:24:50] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goods.
[00:25:00] Speaker B: And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it will make us really happy.
[00:25:08] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
