Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Remember the spark you felt at the start of your relationship. The excitement, the flirting, the effortless little gestures that made you feel so connected. It wasn't just romance, it was your hormones doing their job.
But over time, as life gets busier and the honeymoon chemicals fade, those feelings can seem harder to come by. The good news, the spark actually isn't gone. You just have to give your body and your relationship a reason to feel it again.
In today's episode, we'll show you how to hack your hormones to care. Keep the connection alive. We'll break down the two key bonding chemicals that bring couples closer and how you can trigger them in simple, intentional ways that work for both of you. Because when you understand how your body and brain create connection, keeping the spark alive was a whole lot easier.
Let's dive in.
People were always telling us, you guys are such a team. And we began to realise this just isn't the case for most couples.
[00:01:02] Speaker B: But we knew from our own experience of turning our relationship into a team that change isn't just possible, it's inevitable. All you need is a little direction.
[00:01:10] Speaker A: So that's what we do on this show. We steer you in the right direction. We keep it simple. We show you why relationship struggles show up and how you can start changing your relationship today.
[00:01:20] Speaker B: And we bring the good stuff by turning information from leading relationship experts and evidence based research into easy to understand skills and tools that anyone can use.
[00:01:29] Speaker A: We also share insights from our own 23 years of experience together. And we chat with some incredible couples who offer their wisdom on relationships.
[00:01:36] Speaker B: If a better relationship is what you want, then get comfy. Whatever tickles your pickle. As we prepare to dive into all things team.
[00:01:43] Speaker A: We're Kim and Rog and this is the Living the Team Life podcast.
So something I've been noticing that I thought I would bring to the podcast today and explore in a little more depth is the way that we have connected more over some activities recently and things like we've been taking golf lessons. Do not ask how good we are. Put it this way, we haven't made it out onto the course yet.
[00:02:16] Speaker B: We need more lessons.
[00:02:17] Speaker A: We need more lessons.
I can. We can, we can belt a ball. That's about as far as we go.
What was that head shake for?
[00:02:28] Speaker B: I don't think we're even that far.
[00:02:30] Speaker A: I hit my ball 127 meters.
[00:02:32] Speaker B: It's pretty good.
[00:02:33] Speaker A: I feel like that's an acceptable range.
[00:02:35] Speaker B: Yeah, it's all in the hips.
[00:02:39] Speaker A: It'S all in the frustration. Just imagine the ball is Something you don't.
[00:02:43] Speaker B: I should call it rage ball.
[00:02:47] Speaker A: Anywho, okay, so we've been taking golf lessons or actually just practicing a bit. We've only had like two golf lessons, but golf lessons going down to the driving range. Obviously, we're trading for the high half ironman still. We haven't given you guys an update on that, but we have been actively moving our distant targets upwards. So we. We told you when we introduced that idea to you guys that we were going to be trying to just gently and progressively head towards a half ironman level, which we have been doing.
And these things, they've had an effect between. On. On Roger and I, between us in the sense that we feel more bonded or I feel like we feel more bonded. And I was doing some reflecting and thinking about other times where our bond has grown.
And, you know, obviously it grows through repair and it grows through the deeper emotional stuff in the relationship. But I think our bond really grows when we do things together, when we. We're kayaking together, when we're, you know, ski. We grew up. We. In our 23 years. I mean, we were kids when we met, so I say we grew up skiing together. We did, really, because we've been skiing together since we were, what, 20?
[00:04:01] Speaker B: Yeah, something like that.
[00:04:02] Speaker A: Something like that. So I think when we were skiing together, which is one of our great passions, we've been running together since we met, since we were 18 years old.
And those, those activities and how much they bond us just was something that I was reflecting on and thinking about how important it would be to share with you guys why those things bond us from a science perspective, because there is some real science behind why you and I feel more bonded when we do these activities. And another big one that I notice as well, obviously particular to us, but I think anybody would notice. And it can be. It can be part of anybody's relationship is we obviously run a business, so we do a lot of planning and executing together.
But we have big dreams and we go after them together. We're pretty scary. We do a lot of planning around things, a lot of work to make things, to execute things, and that does really bond us. We're in the trenches together for a long time in some of those spaces.
Just the two of us believing in that dream and executing that plan. And I think that's another one that really bonds us. So this is a very roundabout way of getting to my point today, which is we are going to break down why those certain things seem to bond us more. And the science behind them so that you guys can understand that and if you like, maybe try some of these different activities so that you can also receive the benefit of, of the increased bond that you get with your partner as a result. So, so, Rog, let's try and give some clarity to what I'm saying and start with what we're talking about today.
[00:05:54] Speaker B: Go now. Look, sweetie, I, Sweetie, I know exactly what you're talking about. I feel like I just, I've read the, I've read the show outlines double through this.
[00:06:05] Speaker A: I was trying to get my head out onto the microphone and sometimes my head just isn't that clear.
[00:06:11] Speaker B: No, so I totally understand what you're talking about because look, truth is, we've been together for 23 years, right? We, we met when we were 18 at university.
[00:06:21] Speaker A: 17.
[00:06:23] Speaker B: Hey, hey, we met when, you know, 17, 18 at university. We were just Babs and I think, you know, we were, we, we live in each other's pockets, right? We, we, you didn't have to tell us twice to be all over each other to everything about each other. We were texting, you know, on our 3210 mobiles, on Nokia 3210s, you know.
[00:06:53] Speaker A: 58 something as well.
[00:06:55] Speaker B: Yeah, we, we were, we were, we were all up in that. And now I think, you know, 23 years on, it can sometimes be hard to keep the spark alive when, when you've got a kid, when you're trying to run a business and you're running that business together. So work and home life blends very closely when we're stressed and life just gets in the way of connection and us, and obviously, you know, we have a relationship podcast. We work very hard on us, but this, this is natural. This is what happens. And so your, your intro was really about, I guess, how we've gone about creating connection in our relationship after 23 years. And I think that's, and that's what the show's about today is how you can hack your hormones to keep that spark alive in your relationship. Because most of you listening are in a long term relationship. Many of you probably won't be in that first few months of a relationship, that first year of a relationship. And if you are, this is a great way to, I guess well done.
[00:08:04] Speaker A: For listening because proactive, you're getting at it.
[00:08:09] Speaker B: But you know, it's, I guess it's making sure you've got the tools and skills moving forward to make sure that you don't get into that phase, that enduring phase of your relationship that long Term relationship without. Without a way to keep, keep the spark alive, keep the home fire burning.
All right. So when we first started, our relationship felt effortless.
You know, we were giddy about each other, we were constantly with each other. We couldn't wait to see each other. We were texting all day and night.
We kept on doing little things. We always talk about how I used to burn CDs for you on the way for you to drive to uni. We'd bring each other little things. I'd pick you up after, you know, being a pizza delivery boy. I'd pick you up from Clubber and drop you home. And, you know, I'd, you know, I'd buy you, you know, we'd buy each other little things.
And it wasn't just that we were, you know, are fully in love and romantic. Yes, we were. It was actually our bodies doing all this work for us. Because then the truth is, in the early stages of love, your body actually floods you with hormones responsible for getting ready to mate. Because we go, we got a heart back to the caveman days where really it was about making sure that you found a partner.
You bonded quickly so you could make babies before a saber toothed tiger could come and ate you up, so you could keep that bloodline going. So your brain has been hardwired for you to fall in love quickly and fall in love hard.
Because generally back then the, the average lifespan of a person was mid-30s, around 40. So you didn't have too much time to actually get into that long term relationship, that enduring phase of your relationship.
You know, your hormones do all the work for you when you're young, when you're in love, or even when you're older in love and you're meeting someone for the first time and you, and you, you fall and fall in love with them very quickly. Love at first sight. Because your hormones are saying you've got to pursue this person.
One of the other funny things it does is you, these hormones actually make you ignore some of their flaws.
And I think we've all seen that, that little, you know, quirk that when you first started going out, you're like, oh, I love how they do that. Like later on the relationship, you're like, oh my God, that's, that's driving me crazy. Um, but what the, the hormones do is they keep you motivated when all these sort of, these roadblocks, relationship roadblocks come along. They keep you motivated to keep on impressing, keep on touching, keep on flirting, keep on nurturing that person.
So this is why, again, in the early days, love feels effortless because you're getting constantly rewarded by your hormones for doing the little things that make love happen.
[00:10:57] Speaker A: It's so cool when you think about it. We get such a leg up when we meet someone.
You know, it's like the universe is rooting for you to root.
I didn't want to say it so crass.
[00:11:12] Speaker B: You said it.
[00:11:15] Speaker A: They are though, right? The universe.
Whomever the universe is, they are rooting for you at the start to really have the best shot at getting something going.
And that's just such a beautiful thing.
But after a while, that spark does start to fade, because as you said, Roggie, the, the universe is, is only really geared towards wanting you to make babies. I mean, at our, at our rawest, simplest form, you know, it's. I don't know for people if it's confronting or sad or, or relieving to know that, you know, we're just these basic biological creatures that are just here to do really one thing, and that is to procreate. We have built the humanness around that, the, the what makes us unique as humans with our rational brain and all the rest.
But at our core, we're wired still for that, for that very, very primitive goal, which is to procreate. And so after this time happens and you've got to a point where, you know, back in the old days, you would have probably made babies, those hormones do start to fade, and your, your brain thinks the job basically is done. They're like, you found the person. You will have bonded by now. You will have mated by now. Mission complete. Call me if you need me.
But this is actually because of the way we've carved out lives, which is the. We live very long partnerships with our partners, that we've become these beautiful penguins that are committed to these people and, and, and committed to an enduring love with them. That this is actually the start of what we like to call the enduring love phase. And it's where many couples will start to recognize that they feel a bit differently, that all of a sudden that spark has faded. And, and I think for a lot of people, it can be quite disconcerting because they think, well, I don't feel the same way about that person. You're a hundred percent right. You literally don't feel the same way because you're not getting the same hormone feedback naturally. So all of the excitement, buzz that triggers this, this wave of hormones that doesn't exist anymore. And so it does feel like maybe I don't love them as much anymore. It does feel like maybe we're not as connected anymore. But the truth is that natural cycle happens to everyone and it is unavoidable. And so getting into that enduring phase is completely normal. And what you want to do then is, is start to think about, okay, how can I get those hormones back? So instead of your body doing it for you, you now have to trigger the actions that will be, that will create those hormones that help you to feel bonded and connected to your partner.
So another element on this. Sorry, I need to touch on before I move on, is that women, when we have children, also have a redirection in their bodies of where their hormones go.
So they are now bonded primarily to the infant that will die if they're not there.
And as a result, they get their oxytocin flood from the infant. And so this beautiful reciprocal relationship now exists between the woman and the infant. And that's where we hear sometimes men saying, I feel like she's forgotten me, or I feel less important.
Well, you are less important because the woman is, is biologically wired to rear this child and make sure it survives in the world. And she's getting the hormone feedback from that loving gaze with the babe. The breastfeeding, the closeness, the touch, that's all coming through the child. And so she's getting this flood of love hormone, the oxytocin, from the child.
She doesn't need to seek it elsewhere. It's right there with the baby. So that, that, that adds another layer of a sense of a different type of love in the relationship. Because not only are you no longer getting those natural, easy hormones together, the woman is now getting some of those hormones from someone else, her child.
[00:15:28] Speaker B: Yeah, that's a really good example of how our hormones shift. And they shift way more for women than they do men. And as you said, I've, I've got mates. We know people who are the guys like, well, you know, my partner's changed, my wife changed since they had the kid, was like, well, of course her hormones have changed. Biologically, she's supposed to have the baby as the focus. And that can be hard for some people who are like, well, I've always been the focus. My, I was the folk, I was the number one person for my mum, I was the number one person for my partner. Now, now I'm not the number one person. And so they go, well, something must be wrong. And I think that's not true. And I guess what we're saying today is in a long term Relationship, the spark has gone. But the difference is, is you can actually create the spark.
But the problem is when we feel the sparks gone, as you said, because life gets in the way, because babies get in the way, because our hormones aren't doing the work for us, we start to feel a disconnect. We start to feel like, well, well, if we don't feel like we did at the start of the relationship like we do now, well, have we fallen out of love?
Because you then look for the evidence of what is, what is, what does our relationship look like? Because you stop doing the little things that matter. You stop doing the things that create love.
Know, you start complimenting them less, you start touching each other less, especially if you've got kids, because the mum's likely got babies and kids hanging off her 247 and, and physical touch from the partner actually isn't as inviting as, as it first was.
You know, there's less time. So before again, when you and I were young, all we did was spend time together. Now we hardly find time for each other outside of working and taking care of our little one.
And the reason is, is because we're actually not doing the things that are required to kick start our hormones. So we're not getting reward for doing them. And so we start to think, well, why don't I feel that way anymore? Why don't I feel that spark of love? Are we just different now?
You know, maybe we weren't meant for each other. Maybe it's mistake. Maybe I, maybe someone else, I can find that spark in someone else.
But it's not that the spark is completely gone, it's that you have to light the spark. You've stopped doing the things that create a spark.
Your hormones are actually just waiting for you to kick them back into effect.
[00:18:09] Speaker A: Yeah, it's really, I mean we've, we've explained this in depth, but it is really quite simple. At the beginning, you get excited, it kicks off a chain reaction. The hormones happen naturally, you do more, the hormones keep happening. It's just a loop, right? You get the hormones, you do the behavior, you get more hormones. Round and round it goes. Then you stay together for a while and you stop doing the little things. And you haven't got the excitement to kick start things. And so you don't get the loop, you've broken the chain in multiple places. And so no longer, you're, you're no longer doing the things and getting the reward and then therefore wanting more things and therefore getting more hormones and back and forth and you're no longer excited. So it's not naturally kicking off this chain reaction that we get that, that actually helps us biologically to want to be near the person and do the things for them and have the best chance of, of procreating a mating with them. So it's really about how do we, what do we do when that's happened, that we've broken the chain, how do we start that chain reaction going again? How do we get the hormones going again?
So the good news on this is by just doing love. We've talked about this before. For anyone who hasn't heard, we are very, very passionate about people understanding that love is not a passive thing. Love is not something that just exists. And, and I know people being, of course, you just love someone, it's not true. You love someone by showing them that you love them. And that does not mean material things. That means by being the person that they need you to be for there to be love there. So showing up for them, having their back, supporting them, encouraging them, nurturing them, being a safe harbor for them. These are the ways you do love. And you actually have to do things to show that you cannot just assume it. And so when we want to hack the hormones, we're going to be doing love again. We're going to be taking out that assumption that the love just exists there and, and making sure that they know it exists there, because that's what kicks off the chain reaction we want again for the hormones.
So hormone hacking is what we call it. And we can do it by touch, by laughter, by support, by planning, by listening, any of those activities that start to fire off those bonding chemicals again and, and creating, as I said, that that feedback loop, you do the love, the body releases the hormones, it feels good, you get the reward. So you want to do it again. Suddenly, all of a sudden, literally, you will feel like your relationship has shifted back into that spark phase. It's different, it's deeper, it's a different sort of spark. It's not the excitement you had at the beginning, but you are getting the really important hormones, and they're the ones. Two of those really deep hormones are actually what we're going to talk about today. The two really deep hormones you get in the enduring phase of blood are so powerful. It's a, it's a depth of power. So this is oxytocin for women, the love hormone we spoke about, that they share often with the children.
And for men, it's vasopressin. Now, I just want to be clear we're going to be gendered today, which means we're going to favor a gender norm. The gender norm is that women get more oxytocin and men get more vasopressin. They do each reversed get vasopressin and oxytocin. So women do get vasopressin. Men do have the hormone oxytocin as well. But due to the different levels of hormones they already have, like testosterone and the receptors that they have, women get more oxytocin, generally speaking, and men are more prone to getting vasopressin. Vasopressin. And that's why we're focusing on the women and oxytocin and the men and vasopressin. So with those two big belter hormones in mind, I've got a little quote for you from Adam Lane Smith, who you love Rog, otherwise known as Attachment Adam. And he says on those two hormones, oxytocin is about bonding in the absence of stress, warmth, care, nurturing, calm, and love.
Vasopressin is how you bond with stress, problem solving, teamwork, trust building, safety together.
Can you talk to me about those juxtapositions and what they mean?
[00:22:24] Speaker B: Yeah, you're right. I think attachment Adam is one of my, I guess, favorite relationship experts.
And I read a lot of his staff. You know, I follow him. And one of the reasons was actually because of his work he's done on vasopressin.
And vasopressin actually helps men bond with each other, but it also helps men bond with women.
And I think when, when guys are told about bonding with their partner, they, they, they see that they do need to things like, you know, warmth, care, nurture, calm, love. And they go, okay, well, they might not totally understand how to do it. They might fumble through it, but they sort of get it. And I think a woman might go, okay, well, I'll do the same thing for my partner. And it might not get the same sort of traction of how that. Of how they bond.
And I think by Attachment Adam actually saying, well, actually, men do bond differently. They bond by problem solving. They bond through teamwork. They bond through trust building, and they bond through, I guess, goal setting and safety together.
That gives us a bit of a pathway on how two people, a man and a woman, can connect with each other. Now, we're not going to get into how, I guess a man and a man might connect or a woman, a woman might connect. And again, these are gendered, but they're also, I guess you were also talking about on a weight of averages that this is how, how it works. But for me, again, we talked off the time, all the, the running we did together, training for half Iron man golf, problem solving, you know, missions we go on together.
That bonds me to you. And yes, I do love touch from you. I do love warmth. I'd much rather you say to me, roger, you've done a great job.
I love us working together than oh, babe, I love you. You know, for me, the former is far more compelling in terms of bonding than the latter.
[00:24:23] Speaker A: It's been such a revelation for me, understanding the science behind this, because as I said at the top of the show that it's clear to me now that I see that we bond really well when we're doing these activities. And I. Every human is unique. Maybe I have more vasopressin than the average woman flooding through my system because I also find activities and planning super bonding and maybe that's more my ADHD personality. I don't know.
But. Or neurotype, I should say. But it's. It was very interesting to me in terms of thinking about things from your perspective and how I can actually come to you and propose ways that we could bond together to make sure that it wasn't like you said, just covering off the things that I really like. And you said it in, in that reflection that maybe women think it's more about doing the same of what they like for men.
But I do think that goes both ways as well. I think sometimes men don't necessarily understand the nuance of, of, of oxytocin and how to, how to give women oxytocin and that they try to give oxytocin from a male perspective. Do you know what I mean?
[00:25:48] Speaker B: I think that's what we're trying to do today. And this, you know, when we, the. The love hacks, where we are doing it from a guy and a girl point of view, it. It's because we want, we want both partners to understand how to bond with each other, to give them the skills to. On how to actually bond with each other, how to have a bit of empathy. Because in the end, all of us want to be closer to our partners. We just don't always know how to do it.
[00:26:13] Speaker A: Yes, I love that. So let's kick on to that how to hack the hormones. As we said, we've picked the two big, big boys today.
Big belters, whatever. The big. What is that? No, the two big ones that we thought that are gendered so that they focus more for women and focus more for men.
And we're just going into detail on these because hormones is confusing. It's. It's complex. And I think if we just think about these two. So for women to think about how vasopressin works for men and for men to think about how oxytocin works for women, that's. That's what we'd like people to get out of. This is just, just that little insight into maybe what will kick these two hormones off for your partner.
[00:26:56] Speaker B: Yeah. So what we're saying, when we're even bonding might be a bit confusing for people, but what we're saying is that if you do these things, your partner will feel that, start to feel that spark, then you'll both get rewarded for doing it and you'll want to do it again and again.
[00:27:13] Speaker A: Exactly. So let's start with oxytocin. I'll talk about that. It's the hormone of closeness and emotional safety. So this is the love hormone, is what it's most commonly referred to.
And it comes around when people feel, but especially for women held, considered emotionally seen and safe. That's when. That's when oxytocin shows up. So how would you support your partner to feel these things and to get a flood of oxytocin?
The first clue we'd give or the first tip we'd give is to use micro touch moments throughout the day. This is such a beautiful one. If you walk past your partner, put a hand on her lower back, give her a little, a little tap on the shoulder, a little touch when you get home, or even if she's just standing next to you and you're cooking and she's washing some dishes or whatever it is, just reach out and touch her shoulder. That touch is very connecting for humans and especially for women, and especially if you're trying to bring about a higher level of oxytocin in your partner when you, when you see her. Another way for a micro touch is just extend the hug a little bit. So when you give her a hug hello, don't just hug and leave.
Hold her, feel that hug, feel the connection together. It's just a magical little moment. Eight seconds is all you need. And eight is actually a lot longer than you think. When you're in this constant state of movement in life, just hold her for that little bit longer.
Maybe when she's at her computer, give her a little shoulder rub with no ulterior motive.
[00:28:50] Speaker B: So not a reciprocal.
[00:28:52] Speaker A: No.
[00:28:53] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:28:53] Speaker A: No. That's a big part of what does not help oxytocin, because there's no Sense of giving and nurturing in that there's a sense of taking. I want something, a transaction, transactional. So give her the shoulder rub just because you love her.
So that's that micro touch moments, point number one. Number two, plan one small thing that's just for you guys. It makes you feel so loved and special when you say, hey, could we just go for a walk and talk, just you and I. Let's put a movie on for the kids if they're old enough and let's just pop out for a, an hour walk and a coffee. I mean it feels so lovely to be loved and thought about in that way. Organize something that requires no additional strain on your partner's mental load. Basically taking something off her plate or showing her that love and nurture. You know, I've booked us dinner.
We're leaving at this time. You know, wear a pair of jeans, you look gorgeous.
[00:29:52] Speaker B: The baby, don't worry about the kids.
[00:29:53] Speaker A: The babysitter's organized, they're coming at 7:30. I've told them A, B and C. So nothing that adds to her plate. Just a loving, nurturing, fully organized something.
And talk about the future with your partner, dream with them. Because that says to them, I'm going to be with you for the long term and I want to live my life. It's reassuring, it's free, very reassuring. It's very big on building safety and a connection and love.
So that's number two. Plan those, plan things with them. Make it a you and you and her. That's a sense of us. I've got us. We're here together. We are an us. And number three would be be consistent and follow through.
This is a big one for love and safety. If you say you'll text to check in text.
Even if you don't say text, you'll text to check in text.
If you say you'll pick up the milk, do it, grab the milk and maybe grab something else. Oh, maybe I noticed this morning we needed some laundry detergent, so I've grabbed that as well.
If you set, if you set an intention and say we're going to start going on a monthly date, you set the reminder in the calendar, you let them know I've booked the date, I'm showing up, I'm following through with what I said I would do because this really shows love to your partner.
[00:31:12] Speaker B: Yeah. And that, that might be one of the reasons why you found, I guess, our problem, our planning, our problem solving our planning and our actioning that plan so important because I'M showing up with you and saying I'm going to do something and then following through and doing it. So we're making a plan together, and then I'm actually there with you actioning that plan because that's building trust. That builds trust of, like, when I ask for something, when he says he'll do something, he'll actually do it. I don't have to sit there stressing or worrying, will he actually show up? Will he be there?
[00:31:48] Speaker A: There's that. But for me, definitely a big bonding moment or activity or action from you is when we dream together.
[00:32:02] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:03] Speaker A: Because it does tell me that I'm in your dreams, that I'm your future. And whilst that might sound funny after 23 years, obviously, you know, we haven't talked about it being any other way.
It is reassuring and it is really loving to know that your dreams include me, that I'm in your special unit, that we are what. What you want out of the future. So, I mean, that's me personally, but it does. It does have a big impact, and it does make me feel safe. And that's why it works for women. It's this sense of. Of.
Of security.
And. And you do that through repetition. You do that through showing these things over and over. You don't do it by saying, one day, okay, let's dream about the future together and have a big, long conversation and then think, okay, that's done and dusted. That actually wouldn't work. It's the repetition, which for you. I do wonder sometimes if it's a bit repetitious. Because I want to do it all the time. I want to talk about the future all the time. I want to plan and dream. I love it. I can't get enough of it. And it's because it's like repeating that statement to me. It's repeating that action and behavior, and it makes me feel really, really good.
Same thing with the touch and the. The little things that you do for us. I could never get enough of that. That and just the small, repetitious behaviors that you put forward that do those three things that I outlined. Micro, touch, planning, small things for us, being consistent and following through.
That makes me feel really good. And I want you to do it again. And I want to be around you more as a result, and I feel more bonded towards you.
[00:33:42] Speaker B: That's great. So, guys, I hope you paid especially close attention to Kim's three key ways to bond.
Hacking that oxytocin hormone. Hacking that oxytocin hormone.
Now, girls, listen up.
This is how we bond. Vasopressin is how we bond. It's the hormone that's linked to loyalty, it's linked to team bonding, it's linked to protection. It's more active in men and it's released when we feel useful, we feel trusted, and we feel part of something, part of a mission.
We want to feel like I'm showing up and it's appreciated. And as a result, because we're getting that reward from the hormone, we will show up again.
So here's some more specific ideas. 1. Take on a mission together. Plan a DIY activity and ask to do it together.
Paint a wall, clear out the garage, build something in the yard for the kids. And then after you've done that, have a reward at the end. So there's action and then there's reward. Organize his favorite takeaway and his favorite beer and wine. Probably doesn't matter if it's beer or wine, he'll like it.
You know, train for something together. Like Kim and I are, where you don't have to do a half iron man is a couch to a 5k a hike, 30 day health challenge. And do it together very much. I need you to do this for me. It's like, let's do this together.
And you can always be a bit of a. And you take the lead. I think this will help. You know, guy likes that. Give micro acknowledgment. Yes, I know this can be hard for women when you are carrying the mental load when you're doing so much for the family to also go, well, actually, I'm gonna thank my husband, show appreciation for the things that I do that maybe don't get thought. Thought of or appreciated or thank you for acknowledging that. I thought that was an important precursor to this. So say things like, thanks for handling that without meaning to ask.
Thanks for showing up today to do the school run or to take charge of something.
Oh, babe, you have no idea how much I needed that pep talk from you, which is one you say to me quite a lot.
You did a great job on that thing. You built, made, did.
Sometimes that's something you struggle a little bit with. It's like, oh, was it really that hard?
[00:36:05] Speaker A: Oh.
[00:36:06] Speaker B: Oh, that looks pretty easy. Oh, I could have done that. Not just joking.
[00:36:10] Speaker A: I think you cannot overestimate how much Rog loves a pat on the back for the tiniest thing.
[00:36:20] Speaker B: I hope we're talking about something like the tiniest thing.
[00:36:24] Speaker A: You love a pat for anything.
[00:36:26] Speaker B: I do. I do love.
[00:36:27] Speaker A: I think sometimes I, I do. I Like really, really, you. You want a pat for that? But you do. You really enjoy it.
[00:36:33] Speaker B: It gets, it gets vaso pressing going and it bonds me to you. So more gratitude and appreciation.
And the final one is to get competitive, Learn a sport or activity together.
Golf, tennis, and then go play. Go play lawn bows, Go play darts, Go play mini golf. Kim and I do this all the time. We. And we've gone to most of the mini golf courses in Perth and. And actually Kim probably gets more competitive than me, but again, it bonds us and, you know, again, a reward. The Witter gets to choose the lunch spot, play board games and cards. I feel like it's very old school. Everyone's always on their phones all the time. But, you know, you and I play this game called Jaipur together and we get really competitive. You know, when we're kids or back in the day, everyone used to play cards. It just doesn't happen as much anymore. But get the deck out, play the games that you used to play or learn some new ones together. So, you know, again, men's bodies are wired to bond through positive stress, through the act, through action, and through appreciation.
When he feels trusted, when he feels needed, when he feels useful, it's saying, you matter.
Please keep doing this. And that's how you bond with your guy.
You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:37:50] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team Life, relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:38:00] Speaker B: And if you liked today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
[00:38:08] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
