Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Ever had a fight with your partner that left you both rattled and then neither of you quite knew how to come back from it? Maybe you both walked away and just never fully repaired. You moved on or thought you had, but the tension lingers and so does the distance.
Every couple has blow ups and that's not the problem. The problem is when you get stuck in that post argument space where no one knows how to reach out to the other without reigniting the fight.
In today's episode, we're showing you how to come back from conflict. Not just sweep it under the rug, but actually repair in a way that brings you closer. We'll walk you through three key elements to reconnecting after a fight so you can stop getting stuck in disharmony and start building trust, safety and momentum again. Let's get into it.
[00:00:52] Speaker B: People were always telling us, you guys are such a team. And we began to realise this just isn't the case for most couples.
[00:00:58] Speaker A: But we knew from our own experience, experience of turning our relationship into a team, that change isn't just possible, it's inevitable. All you need is a little direction.
[00:01:06] Speaker B: So that's what we do on this show. We steer you in the right direction. We keep it simple. We show you why relationship struggles show up and how you can start changing your relationship today.
[00:01:16] Speaker A: And we bring the good stuff by turning information from leading relationship experts and evidence based research into easy to understand skills and tools that anyone can use.
[00:01:25] Speaker B: We also share insights from our own 23 years of experience together. And we chat with some incredible couples who offer their wisdom on relationships.
[00:01:33] Speaker A: If a better relationship is what you want, then get comfy. Whatever tickles your pickle. As we prepare to dive into all things team.
[00:01:40] Speaker B: We're Kim and Rog and this is the Living the Team Life podcast.
[00:01:49] Speaker A: Kim and I were having one of our weekly walks. It was a bit drizzly, it was a bit rainy, but we needed to get some fresh air. So we walked down to the beach and grabbed ourselves a coffee. And on the way back, something happened and we got in a fight.
[00:02:11] Speaker B: Something.
[00:02:12] Speaker A: Something happened.
[00:02:13] Speaker B: Go on then.
[00:02:14] Speaker A: I think so. So Kim was in the middle of the sentence and I saw something and I was a bit.
[00:02:20] Speaker B: I saw something glittery and shimmery.
[00:02:22] Speaker A: I saw something glittery and shimmery and then sort of decided that I needed, I couldn't quite concentrate and I needed to say something. And so mid midway through her sentence I just said, can you see that? Can you see that?
And one thing led to another and we, we got in a pretty big Blow up.
And we pretty much walked away from each other and we're holding. Oh, do you know what it was? Actually, we, you know, do you know what's worse? Like, not just paying six bucks for a coffee, but paying six bucks for a terrible coffee. And we, I think we both had terrible, we just had terrible coffees.
So I blame it on the coffee. Although you could argue that it was probably my fault and which, which is an important part of this, this potty episode.
But we, we started walking away from each other, but sort of realized, well, we're walking home, so we're going back in the same direction.
And so I, I might, you know, I, I, you know, I realized that even though I felt inside, I was like, well, I think this is a big blow up. I'm not sure how we got here. I'd caused it. I, I knew I was in the wrong because I had just cut Kim off and, you know, and I guess it hadn't made her feel seen and I'd be frustrated and I get frustrated when Kim cuts me off.
So I think that we repaired really quickly, I thought, and by the time we got home, we're even slapping each other on the back and bum saying, oh, how good are we? Like, we really, we really repaired quickly then, you know, we've gotten really good at repair. And I think that's true because I think we, we have put a lot of work over the years from a young couple who used to, I guess, fight a lot. Maybe we're an old couple that fight a lot now, but I think the truth is that repair is a skill we've learned. I think we're quite good at it.
Yeah.
[00:04:20] Speaker B: I mean, even 23 years on, it's hard.
[00:04:23] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:04:24] Speaker B: It's never easy. And I think that's a really important thing to say at the outset for this show because the idea that, you know, the, the reality that the science tells us that how you repair is, is possibly the most important predictor of a successful relationship. That's, that's from the Gotmans.
And I think for some people that probably brings about the idea of, well, then you need to be good at repair. Right.
Repair will always be hard. I will say that, like, it's never going to be just a simple, that you're in a state of frustration and turmoil right before you want to get into that repair state.
And that's a really difficult space to be in. The reason you're in there is because for some, for some reason for yourself, for what, for whatever. I mean, there's A plethora of reasons. It could be personally, but the point is you've been triggered and we all have different triggers. A lot of it comes from our family of origin and the experiences we've had in our earlier life. And so it's a difficult space. And I will say, even after 23 years, even after working very hard on understanding the skill set of repair and following the relationship science and, and working each time we were. We. We work actively to build our skills all the time in our relationship. That is part of who we are, and especially because we're in this work ourselves. So it's ridiculous when we're not following our own, Our own work and our own guidelines and our own lessons that we give to people.
So we do work hard, but we still find it hard. It's. Repair is always going to take a. An awareness and a strength and a. And a real effort from both partners. So I just want people to know that from the outset, even in that situation, even after this long, even knowing in my rational brain, you're going to repair with him, you need to move on. Let's just get past this. I. I was so triggered by the way you ignored me. Completely ignored me. Not just the words. You were already staring at this building that you found pretty. And you just decided that you were just going to block me out until I had stopped talking and then your words could come in.
[00:06:46] Speaker A: I was just, I just wasn't even listening to you.
[00:06:49] Speaker B: And I had been talking for a good few minutes, so it was.
And, and you weren't that quick either, afterwards to acknowledge it took you quite a while. You. Because again, it's hard. And you became defensive very quickly when I said, that really hurts me. And it was. You defended yourself. You don't automatically jump to repair.
[00:07:13] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think in that moment, I thought it was much ado about nothing. And I also felt it was a bit hypocritical by you because I feel you do that to me a lot. And I got caught up in this and it was like, well, that's beside the point. And that's the truth of it is I, I felt, yeah, I still sit back and go, yeah, it was hypocritical, but I was still in. It doesn't matter how you sped it. I, you know, I was a bit indignant about it, but the truth is I was in the wrong. So it doesn't matter what you've done in the past, how you did it in that instance right there, I was in the wrong. And instead of Acknowledging it up front, I was sort of going, well, this is a bit unfair, isn't it? And I think so many people get caught up in that and all the guys get caught up in that. Especially if it's something like, oh, it wasn't that bad. Like, really, you're going to get upset about this. I know that's something that I've had issues in the past. Why are you making a big deal out of this?
[00:08:04] Speaker B: But the truth is favorite for any woman to hear.
[00:08:07] Speaker A: Yeah, like, you know, I think why you make a big day. But, but, you know, the truth is being seen is a, is a big deal for a woman. And look, it's a big deal for any human. For any human.
[00:08:17] Speaker B: Would you like to not feel seen?
[00:08:19] Speaker A: No. And, and I think it's in different ways we feel seen. But we won't, we won't get into that specifically again. We'll get into that argument again today because the truth is that, look, all couples fight.
Good couples fight. It's just how you fight.
[00:08:33] Speaker B: And I just want to make another point on what you said there because it's.
No, no, I'm not going back.
[00:08:39] Speaker A: Is this the last word?
[00:08:40] Speaker B: No. Yes, but not about that. No. It's because you said you were in the wrong. But I also was in the wrong. And I think that's what's important.
[00:08:50] Speaker A: I was more wrong, babe.
[00:08:52] Speaker B: Sure, if you want to say so the point was I had an overreaction and the disharmony that we were in this state of, this fight continued and perpetuated also from my behavior. So the repair needed both of us to own where we were at and we'll get to how important that is. But I think that's an important point as well. It's not about the person who feels like they may be initiated the argument saying I was wrong. That's it. I take full responsibility and then we move forward. That's not what a repair looks like.
[00:09:27] Speaker A: No. And that's what we're going to talk about today. How to reconnect after a big blow up after a big fight.
[00:09:33] Speaker B: All right, let's kick off with the idea of fights being normal.
And I think this is such an important and critical idea for people to hear. Again, like saying repair is hard.
You know, take away the shame of not being good at repair because it's still hard after 23 years for us and with all the knowledge that we do have an advantage that we have because of what I, what I spoke about being triggered and activated in those spaces.
Fights are completely Normal. Let's take away the shame of being in a disagreement. I said before that the, the research tells us, and the Gottmans are the lead, leading relationship researchers in the world.
They, their research tells us that, that how you repair is one of the great predictors of success in a relationship.
It also tells us that everybody fights. And fighting in and of itself actually isn't a predictor of a successful relationship, which I think will sound really crazy to a lot of people because I hear a lot of famous, we've talked about this before, famous couples, when they get interviewed, one of their favorite things to say with real pride is we don't fight.
And it is just bonkers.
Everybody fights. If you're not fighting, how are you expressing your differences of opinion? And maybe it's the term fight, maybe they don't row loudly, maybe they do it differently. And so they don't perceive it as a fight. I'm not sure. But the reality is the research tells us that fighting is actually healthy for couples because the repair offers an opportunity for growth.
So I just. In terms of that normalization, there's a cycle that we refer to with relationships and that cycle that we look at is relationships start in harmony.
Start in harmony. You'd hope they move into disharmony, which is the fighting, and then they go into repair. And this cycle is a never ending, three phase cycle, meaning you just circle straight back from repair to harmony. Then you end up in a state of disharmony and then a state of repair. So if you're thinking, oh my God, it's inevitable, I'm going to be in disharmony, you're correct. You are inevitably going to end up back in disharmony with your partner at some point because the cycle just continues over and over again.
So what matters is how you repair because you're in that cycle, no matter what, you're going to disagree with your partner, you're going to rupture with your partner. How you repair obviously dictates what that cycle feels like when it's on repetition and when you're in, okay, so I break these down a little bit. When you're in harmony, that's when we feel like things are smooth and easy. When you're in disharmony, that's when the stress hits, often external stress that causes the pressure in the relationship. And then you have that disharmony. Misunderstandings happen, someone gets reactive, that's that phase. And then obviously the repair phase is where you're coming back together to say, no, we are our team. And we want to move forward from this, from this state of disharmony that we're in. And back you go around to harmony.
Now, some couples don't actually get into the repair stage properly. They stay stuck in disharmony. And so what we wanted to do to talk about today was really focus on doing a good repair, the detail of a good repair.
Let's look first at why some couples get stuck in disharmony though.
After a fight, repair can feel really risky to people because you're still flooded, you're raw, you're, you're, you're activated, you're triggered. You've got all these justifications running through your mind. She should have done that. He should have said this. You know, I am right here. And so there's two parts to that. One, you, you do you feel righteous, you feel like my position is correct and I am going to defend that to the day I die because that's what protects me. And the other thing you feel is when you may be moved a bit beyond the righteousness is reaching back out is too scary.
What if I get bitten? What if they don't accept my, my reach out? I don't know if on top of just being burnt, I can handle vulnerability.
And so couples will often go quiet after an argument. They won't say anything, which some people consider a repair. They will pretend nothing happened or they'll wait for the other person to go first.
Sometimes during those periods, people will be replaying the fight. So ruminating on the fight, so putting it on repetition in their brain, building a case up about why they're so right because they've taken a position, it's really important that they back themselves in.
And these are all really self protective responses.
But underneath these, these self protective responses, this quiet, this, not this not making a real repair attempt is actually, as I said before, fear of vulnerability. So if I reach out and I get bitten. And also a, a issue with sitting in a space of empathy, which is I want to consider my partner's perspective. And that is also about vulnerability. Because if we drop down our righteousness and drop down those arm guards we've built up for, for years that have helped protect us and say it's okay not to protect myself at that level, it's okay not to be a hundred percent right on this. I'm safe with this person that can feel really scary. I can consider their perspective. I can build empathy into the space. Well, if I do that, who's taking care of me? So that can become a really scary Space. And so people stay in this state of disharmony out of. Out of fear, out of fear of vulnerability, out of fear of removing their protective. The protection they've built up around themselves and offering empathy to their partner and. And. And what will that mean for them? That's how we end up staying in this state of disharmony. So it requires real bravery to actually make a repair. And it's a really big ask, because if we think about the different components in our mind when we're going for repair, we think about our pride. Our pride says to us, they should come to me.
Our fear says to us, what if I get hurt again? Our shame says to us, I can't undo what I said. And that is a big one. People will often not repair because they're pained by what they've actually done, their behavior, they're embarrassed by it.
And our exhaustion when we're really strapped says, I just can't deal with this right now. So there they stay in that state of disharmony.
[00:16:26] Speaker A: It's a massive barrier to overcome for all those reasons. And being brave in a repair situation when you've just had a fight, it is really hard. That's why we're addressing it today.
And I think all those things, like you said, I can't do, undo what I said. How many times have we died on a hill? Or what do they. What I think, what do people say? Keep digging. We keep digging. We keep digging. Like digging ourselves our own grave.
[00:16:51] Speaker B: You know, I remember my parents saying that to me when we'd fight.
[00:16:54] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, keep digging, keep digging. You know, and you. And you can't stop because you're like, well, I've. You know, I've put my flag in the ground here.
I'd rather be more wrong than wrong at all. I don't know. It's. It's a funny. It's a funny.
It's funny why we do it, but we do do it.
And there is an impact to getting stuck in disharmony, because the longer you sit in disharmony, the more disconnected you are. You know, you can see disharmony as disconnection, and it means you grow further apart.
You know, physically, when you're in disharmony, there's less physical touch. Emotionally, you're not connecting on the. On the important things. So I want you to think of disharmony, of disconnection, almost like there's a big elastic band between you.
And when you're in harmony, you're right next to each other. And as when you Cycle into disharmony.
You're not stagnant. You're actually slowly growing apart over time. Now, if you're very good at repair, that elastic band is strong, and it keeps on pulling you back in because you're a team.
When you're no good at repair because you haven't learned the skills, because you're still, you know, still worried about being hurt, you know, or too stressed to deal with it, or, you know, you're too shamed to.
To really, I guess, say I was wrong. That elastic band's one of those, you know, those old ones that are stuck in the drawer that has little white.
[00:18:17] Speaker B: Bits on it, drive me nuts.
[00:18:19] Speaker A: And. And you.
[00:18:20] Speaker B: You do a double loop, thinking you've got another loop in you. Snap.
[00:18:23] Speaker A: And that's. And that's. And that's the. That's the disconnection becoming resentment, becoming emotional, emotional distance. And after a while, you. You. You do pull too far apart because you haven't built that strong elastic band of repair. Because repair is how couples come back together.
Repair is how in the moment or just after a moment, because you do need to regulate after a fight, you say, do you know what? Yeah, we fought, but I still choose us.
You say, I don't want to be stuck here. I want to get back to harmony. You say things like, yeah, that sucked, but we're a team. Yes, yes, we fought. Yes, you're wrong, but we're a team. We're going to sort this out.
And as you said, the relationship science says this isn't about not fighting. You know, in fact, the truth is that conflict can be a real opportunity for growth. And why is that? Because when you're in conflict, you've got to. Oftentimes it's like you've got two different opinions or you've done something to hurt the other person or you've done something to hurt each other.
And so what you're doing is when you're repairing, you're gathering information about that situation, and you're gathering information about each other.
And we've talked about this before, about the relationship profile, keeping up to date with your partner, keeping your love map up to date.
And when you repair, you're starting to learn more about your partner. And you're also the relationships learning that your.
You're a team or you're a couple that repairs after a fight.
So even though disharmony can. And disconnection can feel so wrong, can feel so bad, if you can be brave enough, like you said, babe, and get to the repair stage, and work through the repair stage. That is where you've got the opportunity to find out more about your partner and to grow. And. And what I love is that Esther Perel captures this really well. She says after every rupture, there is a potential for a new story.
Conflict is the crucible for growth.
What do you think of when you hear those words?
[00:20:37] Speaker B: I mean, I just. I just love that. I think the idea of being able to flip disharmony, which means fighting with your partner on its head, and think of it as a space for growth.
Truly think of it as something with potential and not just.
Not just to get through, but to thrive as a result of. I think that's a novel concept. I don't think many people would think that fighting can be a really good thing.
Like not just you can repair well, well done, you. You've got the skills, but you can repair so well that those fights make you a better couple.
And I think that's what she's. That's where she's differentiating there. She's going above and beyond repair. Skills are important so you can come back together. She's saying good repair is what makes leaps in relationships. It's what takes you from wherever you're at to another level.
And that, I think is such a cool concept because it's not. It's not something we talk about that fights can be good for you.
I think in our own lives, when I reflect on the big ruptures that we've had or even some of the small ones, I can absolutely see points where that shifted us as a couple because it's twofold. On a surface level, you gain more information.
So when you. When you finally get it out and you really just cracked the shits, you just say what you're actually feeling. You say it, and so that person gains more information and so you know each other better. That's part of growing, right, As a couple. But what sits under that is the experience you have with each other in the sharing of that information.
And so when you gain that information, if you, for example, receive that well and that person show learns that when I tell you, you stuffed up and it hurt me, you can hold that, you've got me. I'm safe to do that. Which at our very core, the number one thing in a relationship before all else comes safety.
We must feel safe with our partner. Is our rock on this earth. And that's why so many people refer to their partners as their rocks. What they're saying is, I'm safe with you.
And that is the biggest blessing we have in a partnership, because humans need to feel safe to be able to live. Otherwise, they're in a state of threat all the time. And so you get this, this twofold experience out of a fight. You get the extra information, which is super important we're always talking about. You have to learn more about your partner. And then on top of that, you get the experience of engaging in a vulnerable space with your partner, which increases your sense of safety and connection together. And that is where you get those super deep relationship. And that's why others can't then penetrate that relationship. You know, people look at couples that are amazing couples and they say, like, you're in your own world. And they're right, because no one else has gone to that depth. Those two have experienced a depth that no one else has experienced with them. And so they share that bond that others can't break.
It's. It's like I visualize it because I see everything in images as the Simpsons dome. You know, you have the dome around you.
[00:24:17] Speaker A: Spider Pig.
[00:24:18] Speaker B: No, it's not Spider.
[00:24:19] Speaker A: It is Spider Pig.
[00:24:20] Speaker B: Is Spider Pig the dome?
[00:24:22] Speaker A: Spider Pig was in the dome.
[00:24:23] Speaker B: Okay.
Spider Pig was on the roof. Anyway, the dome that no one can penetrate. And that's what I hear from her is, is that you get those twofold benefits of, of, of actual positive growth in your relationship, not just repair and get on with life.
[00:24:44] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think those two things you talked about, sweetie. So not only do you have trust in that person individually, you've got trust in who you are as a couple.
I trust that person is going to have my back and sees me and wants to be curious about me. And I trust us as a couple to get through everything.
[00:25:03] Speaker B: Well, you said that before and I meant to pick up on it. Sorry. When you said, you know, your relationship learns that you get through ruptures, and I think that's really true. You build this sense of your relationship. Identity grows. As in, we don't stop at a rupture, we work through it. And that's one of the reasons they're easier for us now. Because I already know rationally and cellularly. And that's going to sound woo woo to people, but we remember things in ourselves because when we're triggered, our whole nervous system affects all the cells in our body. And I know at a cellular level this fight's coming to an end. Like we're not staying in disharmony.
[00:25:41] Speaker A: I know that we know the end point. It might take a bit to get there.
[00:25:44] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:25:45] Speaker A: But we're not ever sitting there with the risk of, oh, is this fight.
[00:25:50] Speaker B: Gonna break us 100? This is not even a possibility because we've learned over and over again that's not what happens.
[00:25:55] Speaker A: And if that's how you feel in the back of your mind, you're always going to be stressed. You know, you're going to feel that risk, you're going to feel that, you know, emotional vulnerability.
So.
So there is actually a full framework for repair. But we're going to take baby steps today and focus on three core elements of how teams repair.
So, one being, we'll talk about how to initiate the repair. Two being, we'll talk about the importance of taking accountability.
And three will be about how we show empathy to our teammates.
And so why do we do this? Well, the reason is because these key elements are what teams apply to the problem when using a team mindset to resolve the issue.
Because the truth is, when you are in a relationship and in a successful, thriving relationship, you are a team. And when there's a problem, the problem belongs to the team, not just one or the individuals in it. When one person is feeling the pinch is upset or hurt, both. Both people are there, you're not. One of you isn't in disharmony, both of you in disharmony, both of you in disconnection.
What we often find is that people don't take this team mindset into a repair. They actually take an individual first mindset. But when you take an individual first mindset into a problem, you're generally looking for the win. You want to be right. You want your feelings validated, even if it leaves a path of destruction behind you, even if it leaves your partner feeling dismissed or unseen or like they haven't got the issue resolved themselves.
And this is a trap. This is a really dangerous trap.
Because if that's how you resolve the issue, you resolve the issue or the conflict using an individual first mindset. You may think you've repaired, you may think the conversation is done and that you're reconnected, but this is a false sense of resolution because only one of the team's needs have been met.
What's actually happened is while you think you're sitting there, back in connection, back in harmony, you're actually sitting in disharmony, and you just haven't realized it. But I can tell you what your partner does. They know a real repair means you're showing up with a team first mindset. You're not asking, how do I win this? You're asking how do we move forward as a team?
How do we solve this issue and come out stronger on the other end? It's about finding a way back where both people feel seen, they feel heard, they feel understood.
You're actually owning the health of your relationship and you're owning it together.
This is really the only true way back to harmony.
So what we're going to do now is we're going to break down these key elements to a successful repair as a team and walk through how to actually do them. Because even though they might sound simple when you're talking about initiation, accountability, and empathy in the moment or just after a fight, they're not so simple. They take courage, they take practice, and they do take emotional leadership.
[00:29:02] Speaker B: So the first element we. We mentioned to a successful repair was initiating the repair. And this is critical because you're not going to repair without someone being willing to initiate it.
So we say be brave and extend the invitation.
And after a fight, someone has to go first, not because they were wrong, but because the relationship is worth it. This is your bid for reconnection for the relationship. You think about the relationship and the team here. You really, if you stay in that individual mindset that Rog just talked about that. What about me? You're not going to make the bid because the bid is for both of you. So you, if you're angry at that person still, if you're harboring righteousness against them, that they need to come to you. How on earth would your body physically move forward when your brain is telling it?
That's not my responsibility. They're not detached. They're connected. So you have to find a mindset that agrees with the body and the brain together and says we need to move forward for the relationship.
[00:30:06] Speaker A: Yeah, no, I'm going to wait until they come to me.
[00:30:08] Speaker B: Exactly.
It's hard. We get it. This is. I said to you, repair is hard. Hold on to that, guys. Don't feel shame trying to repair. Don't feel shame in it being a shitty repair or a difficult repair. That's what repair is like. It's hard. It's difficult, but do it. We know your pride will be feeling bruised. We know you might be scared they'll shut down. We know you might still feel like they should be the one to fix it. But think about it. From the relationship, where do you want your relationship to be? You want it to be back in that state of harmony? Disharmony is hard work.
To get there, you're going to need to repair.
What are some of the Things you can say to get there. You can start with can we talk now? And remember how you intonate this is important.
Can we talk now? Is not going to go anywhere.
That's saying I still am angry at you, but I've come to you first so I should probably get points for that as well.
[00:31:02] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, it's.
[00:31:04] Speaker B: Your tone is very important.
The next thing you could say is, I've had some time, I'd really like to come back to this or I want us to sort this out together.
Another cue you could give is this doesn't feel finished. Could we please try again?
These are soft startups. They're telling or cueing your partner. I'm here with the right intentions, I'm here for us, for a team. And remember, those aren't about being perfect. It's just about showing up and having a go with the team mindset in mind with a good gentle tone and a soft startup.
[00:31:40] Speaker A: Yeah. And that's one of the reasons it's been brave, is because you should be able to extend the invitation even if you feel that they were in the wrong.
And the truth is, and this is a great segue into our next element is that generally in a fight it's never a one way street.
It's very rarely, I should say a one way street. There's, there's someone who's done something and then there's a reaction. So as we talked about on our walk back from the beach, I instigated the fight, I was in the wrong and you said, well, you overreacted.
So I took responsibility to be brave and say, well actually I was in the wrong, that's my fault.
But then later on you took accountability and personal responsibility for your actions and of course I did as well. And that's the next element we're going to talk about right now.
Taking ownership is so important.
When you don't take ownership of something, when, when, when you think everything is someone else's fault, you actually lose control. You actually lose ownership, you actually use, lose agency.
So you actually don't really have control of how that situation is going to end. When you take ownership and personal responsibility of anything in your life, all of a sudden you have control, you have agency, you have the power.
And the other thing about it is when you take control and own what you've done and take personal responsibilities for your partner fight, it's really disarming to the other person because straight away you're coming in saying I was wrong or I was wrong. For my part, it wasn't all just you.
I'm looking at this from both our sides. I'm not just here to fight. I'm here to repair this all of a sudden, straightaway creates safety and makes openness possible.
And the reason most of us don't do this is because we're hardwired to defend, to justify.
We're hardwired to. I guess, as I talked about at the start, dying on the hill for our point, but taking accountability, being brave is what repair is all about.
So here's some things you can say to be the one to take personal responsibility. I'm sorry. I was reactive, and I didn't get what I said hurt you.
I shut down. Then I got defensive, and I know that made things worse.
It's not good enough.
I'm sorry I interrupted and didn't listen to you. I was just trying to prove my point instead of understanding yours, and I'm sorry about that.
[00:34:23] Speaker B: Oh, I like that. That's a good one, isn't it? The personal responsibility. And like you said, Roggie, for all parts, even the reaction. And I think that's hard for some people because they. In their mind, it's a reaction to someone else's bad behavior. But. But if you take responsibility in life, you take it for every part of what you do, including how you respond to people, because exactly what you said, that's how you have control.
You are in control of your own behavior, irrespective of what that person did to you, irrespective. And if your behavior doesn't reflect your best self and what you would want for your team, then you need to take accountability for that, just like I did. I overreacted. It still hurts me saying that, because you were so rude to me, but I did overreact. Do you know what I mean? That's. That's how hard this is.
[00:35:14] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:35:15] Speaker B: Yeah, it is hard.
All right, what's our third element today that we're. That we're sharing with you as. As a really important part of a good repair? And the third element is to show empathy through validation.
So empathy, as I spoke about at the start, is a really hard one for people. It's got a deeper level of. Of vulnerability involved in. If we empathize with our partner who's protecting our perspective. Our perspective and our position is what keeps us safe. So empathy can be a lot trickier than people. Than people might give it credit for.
But relationship science shows that even small amounts of validation for someone, so showing empathy for their position can drastically de. Escalate conflict and rebuild closeness. We wanna feel seen and heard in life. Of course, this makes us feel better if our partner empathizes with our position.
And validating someone is really the bridge back connection. I see you. I hear you. I get that. That landed this way. Okay, now they're feeling de. Escalated. They're feeling seen and heard. They're feeling a little bit safer with you. Now you two can start reconnecting and having a proper repair conversation.
This isn't about agreeing with everything your partner said. And I think that's where people get a little bit lost with empathy as well, is this sense of, like, I. I don't empathize with everything. I share a different perspective. That's absolutely fine. What you empathize with is acknowledging their emotional experience, how it made them feel in that situation. I see that hurt you. I see that was frustrating for you. I can imagine that was painful for you when I did that. You don't have to agree with their position, but acknowledging their emotional experience, that's their reality.
That is. It is the highest level of respect. I respect your reality and I care about it. I care how that made you feel.
So it is hard. It is hard because you might still be feeling misunderstood as well. And there's a temptation when we show empathy to clarify things. I. I empathize to this point, but then I need to clarify what I was saying. So the but seem. The but. The but is so frustrating. Empathy doesn't come with a but. You don't say, I hear you, I see you, but you just say, I hear you, I see you.
So what are some of the full phrases you can use? I can see why that felt really hurtful or that must have made you feel alone, and I get that now. Or I didn't realise how much that upset you. Thanks for telling me that.
These are short, sharp phrases and they can be used to great effect to start, as we said, rebuilding that bridge towards connection.
So there you go, guys. There's three key elements of a really good repair. As Rog said, we have a bigger framework around this, but we couldn't possibly go through it all today.
So hopefully that's given you a little bit more of an insight into how you can work back towards repair. And also our discussion at the beginning on why repair is so important. It really is such an important element of any successful relationship. And it's not a test of who's right. It's not a test of who can. Who can throw their hand up and take full responsibility for something. It's a test of working as a team. It's about building your relationship to return. To return to a space of us that everything goes through. The sense of we rather than me, and showing your partner that I care more about this relationship than being right in this moment.
[00:38:53] Speaker A: You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:38:56] Speaker B: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more Living the Team Life, relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:39:07] Speaker A: And if you liked today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:39:15] Speaker B: Until next time, keep on living the team life.