Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Nagging often carries a heavy stereotype, conjuring images of one partner persistently badgering the other over household chores or responsibilities. But is it really just about annoyance, or is there more beneath the surface? Today we're exploring how what's often dismissed as nagging can actually be a symptom of deeper issues within a relationship. Join us as we unpack the true meaning of nagging, examine its roots, and discuss how addressing these underlying issues can lead to healthier, more understanding interactions.
Hey, we're Kim and Rog, and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:39] Speaker B: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should, we think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:47] Speaker A: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage, and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:00:56] Speaker B: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house flipping business, we've achieved some big dreams and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:04] Speaker A: Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts, and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:14] Speaker B: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfort in whatever tickles you, pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
[00:01:31] Speaker A: Okay, so today on the podcast, we are talking about nagging. And I'm aware that for some people, this will be a touchy subject. Because it is a touchy subject. People can certainly feel like they're being nagged, and for the person nagging, it can certainly feel exhausting. So we're going to unpack it because we think there's a bit more behind nagging that would be helpful for people to understand. And certainly it's a pattern that if it persists, can be very detrimental to a relationship and once removed, can be very beneficial to a relationship. So let's dig on into it.
There's certainly a very well known stereotype of women in the relationship, so most of today is going to center around this stereotype because that's the reality around nagging. The stereotype is that the woman in the relationship nags their partner to do things, and the man suffers through this with a whiny, repetitive, unhappy voice that's the woman's voice. So let's dig into why this stereotype exists, where it's come from.
It is a legacy. It's a relic of times when women were instructed through society, culture and things like magazines called good housekeeping on how to make sure their husband felt comfortable and taken care of when he got home from work. Like having a hot meal on the table and his favourite drink ready to go. And importantly, by not bothering him with any issues from the day, from the household, from the rearing of the children. So there was this absolute cultural expectation that telling a husband the issues, getting him to share the load around the mental load around the domestic struggles, was not okay. That was the woman's job to bear.
So it was the norm. It was casually expected that women really should not ask for things from their husband. And although we've come a long way from the 1950s, the idea that shaming women for asking for something, even something as obvious as their partner, to do what they say they would, it definitely still exists. And it's got a name, it's called nagging. So we get shamed. We women get shamed when we ask for something repeatedly, because it's got this legacy, this idea around it that we. The truth is, the idea is we should not be asking.
And that's. That's. That's a big one to think about. That's a big one to think about. So let's think about if this is the full story.
Is nagging all about men being stuck in a bygone era where it was okay to shame women for asking for help, for having to repeat themselves when they weren't given help, for making sure that a man has understood what they've said because they need help to be done the right way, otherwise it's additional work for them. Is that what it is? Is this a full story or what we want to unpack? Is there something else to nagging? Does asking someone to do something again and again have another side to it? Which is that for the bloke, we're talking men, women, in the specific positions today of nagging, woman being the nagger, man being the nagged, does that undermine the guy? Does it leave them feeling mistrusted? Does it leave them feeling exhausted? Is it simply nagging in the way that we've colloquialized the word? And that's what we're going to dig into today. It's all about nagging. How it's evolved, how it impacts the relationship and what you can do moving forward. If it's an issue with your partner today?
[00:05:32] Speaker B: Yeah. From a bloke's perspective, I think every bloke's been nagged before.
However, you all know I'm someone who loves to take accountability for things. I think this is so important to be a strong person. And it's so important if you want strong relationships with your wife and with your kids and with everyone in your life. But what I found interesting is the first ten years of my relationship with Kim, when we weren't a team, where we were struggling, I felt like she nagged me all the time. Yet the last ten years, I don't feel like I get nagged at all. And yet we've got way more we need to do. We're busier, we've got a kid, we run a business together, we do a podcast together. So there has to be something more to it than Kim just nagging. Maybe it's a bit about me. Do you know what? Maybe it's not all Kim. Maybe it's a bit about me too.
[00:06:27] Speaker A: Well, let's have a look at what nagging is defined as. So, nagging is defined as requiring a constant or persistent harassment of someone.
And some of the definitions include a particular concept of finding fault with someone or just a complaint of some sort of. So between the different definitions that we looked at, we broke it down to a general understanding that nagging is comments that are repeated that generally have a nature of complaint or finding fault with them. So if we think about that simple definition of nagging, it seems that it's definitely possible that women are meeting the technical definition for nagging. We can see they are repeating themselves. They are frustrated with what they're saying. Potentially. They are stating what hasn't been done, which can be construed as finding fault.
[00:07:25] Speaker B: So women are nagging is what you're saying, Kim?
[00:07:27] Speaker A: Careful.
[00:07:28] Speaker B: What's your gold nugget for today, Roger? Well, I'm pretty sure.
[00:07:35] Speaker A: So let's dig into this a little further. You raise a good question, Rog. Is that the be all and end all of it? It's nothing. We need to dig into what the research has actually learned about nagging. Is the nagging the problem or is nagging actually a symptom of other issues?
[00:07:53] Speaker B: Yeah, well, I don't know if there was a man or woman who did this research. I don't know if they ever that biased it. But yes, the research supports the notion that nagging is in fact a symptom, not the problem itself. Nagging is often referred to by relationship experts as a conflict or negative behavior, unhelpful behavior in itself, but representative of something deeper. There are five deeper underlying issues that the relationship professionals and research researchers have identified which indicate are the true problem behind what is perceived as nagging. And we're going to get into them now. Our first underlying issue we're going to do a bit of a deep dive in, is what do we all say the problem is when we ask where there's a problem with your relationship? Communication. Communication issues when needs and concerns are not communicated effectively, one partner may resort to repetitive nagging as a way to be heard. That is, they didn't hear me the first time, so I'm going to say it again and again and again.
So if there is nagging, this often indicates a need for better communication strategy within the relationship. And Doctor John Gottman, the renowned relationship expert, emphasizes that poor communication is often the primary cause, the number one cause of nagging. So he believes that we should be using effective communication techniques such as active listening, validation to active listening and validation to address concerns without resorting to repetitive complaints. He also believes that both partners need to work on communication. It's not a one way street. So guys out there, you might find that youre partner is, yes, she might be communicating more, but she's probably a better communicator than you. So you need to pick up your slacks and get better communicating yourself.
[00:09:46] Speaker A: It's a good one. That's definitely the big one, I think that sits underneath nagging. But there are four more underlying issues that have been recognised in the research as the most likely cause of what is being perceived as nagging. And number two, the second issue that's a being recognized is unmet emotional needs. So nagging can be the manifestation of one partner feeling that their emotional needs are not being met. This includes things like wanting more affection, wanting more attention, wanting more support or understanding. And Doctor Sue Johnson, who's a clinical psychologist and she was one of the founders of emotionally focused therapy. She suggests that nagging often reflects unmet emotional needs. She believes that addressing these needs through emotional bonding and responsiveness can reduce nagging behaviours. So attend to the emotional need, the nagging goes away and research on attachment theory supports this. It supports that unmet emotional needs and a lack of emotional responsiveness can lead to people creating these, what they call conflict behaviors such as nagging. So by addressing the missing emotional connection, the emotional needs that are not being addressed. By addressing these, you automatically take away the nagging and what you're hearing in the first two things we've said is if you address the underlying issues, the nagging will go away.
[00:11:18] Speaker B: Yeah. And that makes total sense. And I like this one, sweetie, because we've spoken about this before. You know, often your partner might make. Might be making a bit of connection. You're just not picking up what they're putting down. And so they're wanting more emotional connection, more physical connection. They're wanting more out of you, but you're not even seeing it. And so they start nagging as a way to try and connect with you. So they're trying to do something to be closer to you. But again, you're just not saying it. You're just saying it as nagging.
[00:11:47] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:11:48] Speaker B: All right, so the third one we have is a power imbalance. And this might heart back. This might go back to what Kim was saying before as being a bit of a relic of how nagging was, was first saying in the patriarchy and at home model. So if one partner feels powerless or believes that their opinions and desires are not respected or represented in the relationship, they might use nagging as a means to exert some level or control within the relationship. So Doctor Harriet Lerner, a psych and relationship experts, discusses this in a, in her book, the Dance of Anger. So have you ever seen a woman do an angry dance? Well, she explains that nagging can be a way for individuals to regain a sense of control or influence in a relationship where they feel powerless and unheard. Which makes sense, right? They're just. They're trying to have a voice. They're trying to show like, hey, I matter too. You know, you're making your own decisions, you're going your own way. You're not, you're. You're doing things your own way. You're not consulting the team. And the outcomes here. You know, maybe some of them do align with what I want, but some of them don't. I just want a voice. You know, there's two here who want to tango, and that's not an angry dance, is it? It's. It's an exotic dance, but it's not an angry dance.
So I think also there's a lot of research around power dynamics in relationships as well. And I think, you know, we can see this often in the high divorce rate as well, where nagging is used to attempt to address the power imbalance.
[00:13:24] Speaker A: I think what you're saying about the divorce is where it shows up in divorce is very true. Roger. A lot of the divorce research suggests that women are indicating they've asked for things over and over again, which is called nagging before they go to divorce. So it is, absolutely. They're trying to address that power imbalance through asking over and over again. And that's what the research says. Women are very clear. They by far initiate more divorces. And when they get to that phase of divorce, they say, it's not like.
[00:13:52] Speaker B: I didn't ask, I've been telling you for the last five to ten years, what? I want to have this relationship.
[00:13:58] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:13:59] Speaker B: And he's in there blindsided. You know, that's what the research says, that's what the divorce lies. He's blindsided, he's blindsided. But because he's going, oh, and then maybe down the track he's going, maybe that. Or that was all. What that nagging was all about.
[00:14:12] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. All right. So the fourth underlying issue that's been identified that often manifests in nagging is a pervasive sort of sense of anxiety and security insecurity in the relationship. So when a partner's not feeling secure and securely attached, that means that they feel like they can fully trust their partner, that they are on the same page in the relationship. And nagging can really come about when this situation occurs, when a partner repeatedly brings issues up because they're trying to get some sort of conviction out of their partner, some sort of answer that's going to make them feel like, oh, I can trust you, okay, I am safe in this relationship. And the professional field supports this idea, you know, that they encourage partners really to address these feelings of insecurity and anxiety because they can be so detrimental in a relationship. And there's certainly evidence that should shows that if you don't address anxiety and insecurity, that that does often show up as conflict behaviours or these negative behaviours of one of which is nagging.
[00:15:27] Speaker B: So the fifth reason the research suggests could be the cause of nagging in a relationship is actually behavioural patterns. So what we're saying here is that, and this can happen as a result of the top four as well, nagging can actually become a habit in the way we interact with each other. Yes, when you've been in a long term relationship, you often fall into good but often poor habits. And that can be the one of the naga and the nagi. And even when sometimes there may be a specific instance where there's not a deep issue involved, however, because from all the other deeper issues and all the other times and the patterns and habits you've got into, you resort to nagging anyway. And this is a negative behavior. So again, when we fall into negative habits, it can be really hard to break them. So Doctor Terry Orbuch, who is known as the love doctor, she actually believed that the best way to break this habit is to, through a conscious, combined effort to adopt new habits. Through positive interaction and strategies and mutual goals. Practicing gratitude, appreciation can help shift these nagging habits.
[00:16:55] Speaker A: The common thread there is, if you work on these issues, the real issues in the relationship, the nagging, the research shows the nagging goes away. That tells you that it was the underlying issues causing the nagging, because there wouldn't be a correlation otherwise, you'd work on the underlying issue and the nagging would still be present. So you don't need to work on nagging, you need to figure out what is behind nagging. And to do that, you have to work as a team. This is not the nagger's responsibility. This is not the Nagy's responsibility, this is the team responsibility. Because nagging is simply a negative or a conflict behavior in a relationship that is representing something else. Else.
[00:17:33] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that's a great point, sweetie, because in the Nagy and the nagor or the nagamaru. Both. The nags.
[00:17:45] Speaker A: The nags, yeah, both.
[00:17:46] Speaker B: No one's enjoying this situation. The guys, or. And I'm being, you know, generic here, but the. The guy's not enjoying being nagged and the woman's definitely not enjoying nagging. Of course. Not that, you know, that there's these underlying issues which are driving to the point where she has to hammer the bloke and the bloke sitting there getting hammered, going, what's going on? So.
[00:18:09] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:18:10] Speaker B: So look, I want to bring up a little analogy here, which, when we were talking about this before the show, I thought about is when I used to. When I used to work for someone else and Kim and I weren't running our business. I remember from a young age, one of my first managers told me, is like, if you don't want me on your back, I'm not a micromanager, but if you don't want me on your back, you need to manage my expectations.
And what he meant by that, and I carried this on to my future employees, is that if I have something that I'm accountable for a piece of work and I say I'm going to get it done on Friday, and that I don't get it done on Friday, well, he's going to come to me and go, what's going on? What's going on? Why isn't this done? I expect to be done. But if I communicate and manage his expectations, that on a Wednesday, hey, I'm not going to get this done on Friday, here's the ability, or she has the ability to move something out of the way, or we can change the day. And I think this is true, especially when it comes to communication issues in a relationship, is that often blokes aren't managing the expectations of their partners. And then they're saying when they don't get a job done, like the creaky step on modern family or the gardening or whatever, they're saying, hey, just get off my back, I'm going to do it. It's like we didn't manage the expectations of the team.
[00:19:25] Speaker A: Yes, I just think that is such a great analogy because you called it managing up, I think, which I really liked the idea of thinking that it goes both ways. People manage down, people manage up. And if you take out the up and down connotations and just go left and right with it, we have to communicate in both directions.
[00:19:43] Speaker B: Right.
[00:19:43] Speaker A: I expect you to do this task. If something changes, the person doing the task can't do it at the exact time. They need to communicate that back. The communication is both sided. And I think that's a really great analogy to make it sort of clear, because everybody would have experienced that at some point in the work, work environment. So it seems pretty conclusive that the answer to nagging is really about working on whatever is underlying it. Because the research is clear, you do that, you're going to reduce the nagging. And we went through, obviously those five specific underlying issues that appear the most behind nagging. According to the research. We've talked a little bit about how you can address some of those and why they're so important. I just run through, again, high level, what sort of positive behaviours are going to help you address some of those issues. It's things like creating a safe emotional environment so that each partner can express their emotions and what they're really feeling about things. It's offering empathy and understanding to one another. It's encouraging your partner to express their underlying feelings and emotions about things, it's encouraging them to express concerns. It's creating that safe space for them to do that. As I said, it's also improving responsiveness. When someone does express something, respond to it, be connected in that moment, be part of that conversation, and of course, build a quality in the relationship, build your mutual respect and collaboration. When you do that, this will become the pattern. You'll no longer have a pattern of blaming and nagging you'll now have a pattern of how do we move forward together? Respect one another, and that will solve that power dynamic situation, because there's mutual respect in the. In the relationship. You want an environment of emotional safety, mutual respect, love and appreciation follow through clear expectations and positive patterns in the relationship. And if you do all those things, I can guarantee you, you will reduce nagging, if not completely eradicated, in a relationship.
[00:21:41] Speaker B: I love that, babe. So, yes, nagging is a thing, if I've got this right, but it's not women's fault, it's the team's fault. And it's not the root cause of the problem. When someone's nagging, both people aren't enjoying it. And there's another issue at play. Working on these deeper issues, the research show, the research shows, will reduce nagging and improve your relationship. So I think a big one is to stop the judgment and take accountability, especially the blokes out there. That's a message from Rog.
[00:22:14] Speaker A: All right, Rog, what was your gold nugget for today?
[00:22:17] Speaker B: That women do nag.
Yep. I already knew it. No. So my. Oh, my gosh, I just loved. I think those.
I think, you know, this is what we do really great on living the tame life, if I do say so myself, is those five key issues. Information is power. If you can, if you feel there's nagging, the two of you get together and go, hey, let's go through each of these five issues quickly. Is there a bit of a power imbalance? As in you seem to be making the decisions or going to work? Am I a bit anxious? Is one of us a bit anxious? Are we not communicating a problem? Or is there something that we're not meeting, or is there some unmet emotional needs? And have we made this a habit of, you know? So I think if you can look at that, you might. You'll go a long way to resolving these issues.
[00:23:05] Speaker A: That's good. And for me, the gold nugget is telling someone not to nag is actually not going to help them stop nagging.
So it's, in fact, it's going to do nothing. So really understanding that you're not addressing nagging, you're addressing the root problem and understanding that you can. If you go ahead and you try and work on nagging, per se, it's just going to keep coming back up. So don't waste your time.
[00:23:34] Speaker B: You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:23:38] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship insights and conversations. Head over to kimandroj.com, where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:23:48] Speaker B: And if you liked today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:23:56] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
