Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Ever had an argument with your partner that started small but somehow spiralled into something way bigger than it needed to be? Maybe you were tired, stressed, or just said the wrong thing at the wrong time and suddenly you're both in fight mode wondering how you even got there. We've been there too. And while every couple argues, not every couple knows how to stop an argument in its tracks before it does real damage. In today's episode, we're sharing three quick hacks you can use mid argument to hit pause, reset the tone and get back on the same page. These are simple, practical tools to help you stop emotional blow ups before they happen and steer your relationship towards understanding instead of disconnection. Let's dive in.
[00:00:48] Speaker B: People were always telling us, you guys are such a team. And we began to realise this just isn't the case for most couples.
[00:00:54] Speaker A: But we knew from our own experience of turning our relationship into a team that change isn't just possible, it's inevitable. All you need is a little direction.
[00:01:03] Speaker B: So that's what we do on this show. We steer you in the right direction. We keep it simple. We show you why relationship struggles show up and how you can start changing your relationship today.
[00:01:12] Speaker A: And we bring the good stuff by turning information from leading relationship experts and evidence based research into easy to understand skills and tools that anyone can use.
[00:01:22] Speaker B: We also share insights from our own 23 years of experience together. Together. And we chat with some incredible couples who offer their wisdom on relationships.
[00:01:29] Speaker A: If a better relationship is what you want, then get comfy. Whatever tickles your pickle. As we prepare to dive into all things team.
[00:01:36] Speaker B: We're Kim and Rog and this is the Living the Team Life podcast.
So we had a little argument the other day and we had the argument in bed at night.
Roger said something and it upset me and I reacted in a less than admirable way and I overreacted. I would say to what he said and then we both went to sleep. And I know you're not meant to go to sleep annoyed with the other person, but we did. We were annoyed and too exhausted to do anything about it.
And so we woke up and there was still this. I mean, you've got to get on with life. You know, our daughter comes in for a cuddle and you go through all the motions. But there was the air of unresolved dispute there and a tension in the air and it felt like it. The argument had carried over and it was carried over for no reason and. And it was just living there. It was in an uncomfortable space. It Wasn't going to be anything productive. The comment had happened the night before, but we hadn't cleared the Runway. We hadn't brought ourselves back to neutral. And so we made our breakfast as we always do, ignoring each other, basically pretending that we were not in front of our child.
[00:03:07] Speaker A: Even though I'm, like, parenting, still making you toast and you're still pouring the coffee for both of us, angrily swiping.
[00:03:13] Speaker B: On our peanut butter. And we went outside and I said, can we Gunter? And Gunter is one of our two safe words. Safe for arguments.
[00:03:25] Speaker A: For anybody wondering, yeah, we're not talking about the safe word you use in the bedroom, although you can use them in the bedroom. These are safe words for us, Mr.
[00:03:32] Speaker B: Obvious. We did know what was meant there. Anyway. Gunter is a word we chose because when we watch Strive to Survive Together, and anyone who's seen the F1 series will know that Gunter was an absolutely ridiculous character. And. And no offense, Gunter, because you're not a character. You're actually a man who ran a team. But he was just chaotic all over the shop. He's 0 to 100 was hilarious and then straight back to 0. And he just. He just brought us a lot of joy and humor watching him, because he was just such a train wreck in a lot of ways. With all due respect, Gunter, you know, and obviously you've got some skills, but your own emotional regulation wasn't one of them. And. And so we said at the time, let's use Gunter as a safe word because it makes us laugh.
So I said, can we, Gunter? Rog looked up, smiled, and he said, yep, let's go. And it. It's a really effective way, using a word that's a little bit humorous to break what was happening and, and let go of all of that tension, all of that. That state we were stuck in, where the argument's just gone too. It's gone on too long, it's gone too far, you don't want to be in it anymore. It's not like talking about the argument any further at that point wasn't going to bring anything to either of us. We. We were aware of that. It had. It was. Even though I say it was quick in that you said something, and then I got overreacted. There was other parts to it, and it just. It didn't have any more to give. It had had enough life.
[00:05:05] Speaker A: It had run its race.
[00:05:06] Speaker B: It had run its race. It was time to go. And. And so after this happened, we talked about the fact that there are some really great tricks or hacks that we have in our bag for moving on from an argument. And it's a big thing for people because if you let them linger for too long, they can be quite detrimental. And so we thought we would come on today and give you guys three of our best hacks for stopping an argument in its track. This is a really practical relationship tool.
[00:05:38] Speaker A: Yeah, this is. These are really important, because if you think about the scenario Kim and I were in, and we. It's not the first time we've been in this scenario, and it won't be the last. You know, if we hadn't have had that safe word, one of us would have been waiting for the other one to apologize fully, when both of us probably felt that the other person was in the wrong or we were. They weren't in the right, that there was a bit of a stalemate, and it could have ruined that day. Instead, we used this safe word. We had this. Gunter. We gun it out. You know, we just said, hey, we okay. Yeah, we both didn't. We were both wrong. Then let. Let's move on. And I think, you know, in fact, it wasn't just a let's move on. It was like, a bit of relief and a bit of a laugh. So it really did. I guess it really just made our day after that, and we were on each other's team. But this is a key problem for a lot of couples. It's a key problem for pretty much any relationship, you know, why do so many arguments spin out of control? Because I think we've all been there. You start with small disagreements about something, you know, seemingly minor, but before you know it, it snowballs into something much bigger, bringing in old resentments, past frustrations, and hurt feelings. And what really is happening in those moments is when we feel wronged, attacked, or under stress, our body goes to what it used to do in the caveman days or the. I guess not caveman in the hunter gatherer days. And it goes into emotional overload. This is also known as emotional flooding. And when this happens, the rational brain shuts down because your body is like, hey, if I'm. If I'm in this state, then I need to protect myself. And as it does that, I need to go back to the. I guess the. The reptilian brain. And that's when we enter the fight flight or freeze mode.
[00:07:24] Speaker B: Sorry, can I just ask what the difference between a caveman and a hunter gatherer is?
[00:07:30] Speaker A: They're probably. I think they're exactly the same thing, but I was trying to be more Specific.
[00:07:36] Speaker B: My. My little analytical brain, which is very black and white, was like, hang on a second. You've missed something. Kim, you do not know the difference between these two.
[00:07:44] Speaker A: This is a relationship podcast, not National Geographic anthropology podcast, sweetie.
[00:07:48] Speaker B: Oh, but you usually make something up for me.
[00:07:50] Speaker A: I don't make it up.
These are the facts, babe. These are the facts. So here's how it plays out when we get into that fight flight or freeze. And I think most people have heard of this before, but again, we just want to make this simple for you. So fight. What happens is not only you in a fight, but your body goes, I'm gonna dig in. You know, your brain wants you becomes defensive or you start attacking the other person instead of, I guess, attacking the issue that needs to be resolved. Fight flight. One person withdraws, storms out or shuts down. And what that does, it leaves the other person feeling abandoned or unheard. Freeze. Both people go silent, pretend nothing is wrong, but the tension simmers underneath. And that's what happened to us in that situation before.
[00:08:36] Speaker B: Yeah. I think once you understand that it really is just a biological reaction to that threat, that sense of threat, you realize that your behavior is then a little bit beyond your control. That's why the hacks are so effective, because you don't have a lot of control in that scenario. You've usually entered into the threat state at some point and so you don't have access to the. To the rational part of your brain. You're not going to have a good conversation out of it. It's not going to go anywhere because you still in that sense of threat. So the hacks are really saying, how can we hack that state that we're in?
[00:09:10] Speaker A: That's what we call the ripcord. How can we pull the ripcord, get ourselves out of that fight flood or.
[00:09:15] Speaker B: Free that really heightened state. Exactly. Or at least out of the argument. Argument while you stay in that state.
[00:09:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:09:21] Speaker B: Because the argument isn't going anywhere. So what are some of the signs that you're no longer thinking rationally in an argument? These are some of the. The red flags popping up when you're in an argument that it's starting to go too far that you're. That you've sensed a threat in the argument and you. You're not going to be as productive in the conversation you're no longer having. Really. It's a debate versus an argument. Couples have debates all the time. And it's really important part of life is. I think this. Well, I think this. Well, maybe if we put our two brains together and negotiate, we're going to end up with the best outcome with two sets of wisdom coming in. Once it crosses over the we're both coming at this together as a team and becomes a me versus you. That's then an argument. And some of the signs of that are, you'll start to notice yourself or your partner being mean. So that looks like sarcasm. You might say something nasty like a name calling situation.
You might swear at them. You might have a low blow. So you might be, you might say something that you know is going to dig at them in a really hurtful way.
You'll notice the argument becoming unproductive, so you'll go around in circles. You might state the same thing over and over again, or you'll be bringing up unrelated issues that you know, they don't even relate. But somehow you're just trying to fill your argument up. And another thing that really, that really shows up a real red flag so that you, you know, when we're looking out for, oh, has this argument gone too far? Do I need to pull this rip card? Feel exhausted. You'll feel like you're shattered in the conversation, like it's just too much. It's, it's draining on your system. You feel overwhelmed, overwhelmed. And that's what that exhaustion is, right? You're like, I'm out of energy. I'm overwhelmed by this whole thing. Drained, disconnected. And, and the real danger in all this when these signs start showing up, when these red flag flags start showing up, is that you escalate the argument past a certain point of return. You can create real lasting emotional wounds if you continue arguing into that state of, of threat, that fight, flight or free state because you're not having a rational conversation, you're not thinking of the consequences. You're just fighting for yourself or running for yourself or freezing for yourself, whatever it is you need to be doing. Usually fighting in this situation.
And you'll say things just for the fight and just to win, just to win and, or just to defend yourself as you feel. That's what really, what a lot of people are fighting. Because I've got to be seen here. I've got to, I've got to have my position understood. And, and you can say really hurtful things that even though you can get past them over time, they can really erode the relationship so that the connection that you have with your partner, it just gets chipped away at. And one day you wake up and you realize you're no longer connected the way you used to be, because you've, you've spent time eroding that conn through these nasty arguments.
[00:12:16] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, 100% agree, sweetie. You know, I think so many arguments you and I had, especially in that first 10 years of our relationship, we didn't know how to pull the ripcord, we didn't have a safe word. We didn't know how to stop ourselves from getting out of that irrational primitive brain to the rational brain. And as a result we did a lot of stuff to hurt each other.
[00:12:38] Speaker B: Oh my God.
When I think back to the type of raging arguments we would have, I mean, they're just insane.
[00:12:47] Speaker A: When I remember, you know, and you know, to give us a bit of an hour, we were, you know, we, we started dating when we were 18.
[00:12:53] Speaker B: We were kids.
[00:12:54] Speaker A: So we did, we were kids. Maybe the ones in our late 20s.
[00:12:57] Speaker B: We probably, yeah, they were a bit different, I think of the ones when we were kids and we were just so poorly regulated in ourselves. We really had very limited, yet we hadn't matured. You know, brain's still growing, still forming and we just really couldn't get out. No one gave us the tools to get out that situation.
We had to learn that ourselves over time. So Dr. Gottman, John Gottman, who we talk a lot about here, one of the relationship psychologist goats and, and probably the most well heard of, a well known researcher in in relationships, says that the goal of a conflict free marriage is both unrealistic and undesirable. What really matters is how couples manage conflict and whether their disagreements lead to understanding rather than disconnection.
What do you think about that statement, Rog?
[00:13:58] Speaker A: I think he's saying that good couples fight and so many couples get caught up in the idea that the best relationship or the perfect relationship is one where there's no disagreements, no friction, no conflict between two people. And I guess what we're trying to say here today is yes, there conflict's almost inevitable, but you need to understand how to repair. And that's what Gotman really is big on, and that's what a lot of relationship experts are big on is it's not how many fights you get into, it's how well you repair. So I think that his research says that happy couples argue just as much as unhappy couples, but unhappy couples don't know how to repair. Repair in a fight. And I think what we're doing here today as we're saying is we want to get you to the repair point a lot quicker than, than if the fight had continued to Dissolve into something.
[00:14:53] Speaker B: That was really toxic, not just quicker. It's. The likelihood of the repair being successful is much higher. That makes sense if you end it earlier, right?
[00:15:02] Speaker A: Yeah, so. So it's not about avoiding disagreements altogether. It's getting on the front foot. It's understanding that you're a team. It's understanding it's not me versus you. Because the best couples in the world do argue and they, they see it as an opportunity as opposed to a massive negative. They understand that when you argue and then you go through the repair phase, you're actually feeling out, you're understanding the ever growing nature, ever changing nature of your partner. When your partner, when you get an argument with your partner, they're sort of telling you, this is how I feel, this is what I think. By not engaging with them in a way where you can get to a repair where you're trying to understand, where you're trying to understand them, but instead just going for the win yourself, you're not trying to really connect with your partner and figure out who they are and love them for who you are. You're just trying to stand your ground. You know, and we've all done it before. We die on a hill for an issue which probably in retrospect we're like, well, I didn't really even care about it that much. I just wanted to be right. Instead of understanding and having empathy for our partner in that disagreement, what were they really trying to say?
[00:16:14] Speaker B: To me, I think that is one of the most attractive things you've ever said. To say that an argument and, and being in the argument is actually an opportunity to learn about your partner who is ever changing and ever growing is so beautiful. It's the highest level of. It's like a meta awareness of what's happening in that situation. Right. Because absolutely. When you argue, part of that process is someone trying to tell you what's happening for them.
[00:16:52] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:16:52] Speaker B: And that changes all the time. Our opinions change, our experiences change, they grow all the time. And if you find that that changing is too hard and you don't want to deal with that and you want it to be static, you will be frustrated by arguments all the time. But if you realize that arguments also have another part to them. They are this person growing and changing. There's that opportunity for, for goodness to come out of that space as well and growth to come out of that space. You can't grow out of an argument if you don't realize that by, by working through it and repairing that. There was so much opportunity in it. Otherwise, you just resolve the argument and it. There's no. There's no opportunity for that relationship to actually move forward as a. As a bigger, better relationship.
[00:17:50] Speaker A: Yeah. If you're doing something wrong or if your partner's needs have changed, don't you want to know about it so you can act on it as opposed to living in, I guess, ignorant bliss until it becomes too late? And then being blindsided when you get this information of like, oh, well, you know, I couldn't tell you, or I tried to tell you, but you always came at it defensively and didn't want to understand where I was coming from. And this happens all the time. So, yeah. See a disagreement as an opportunity to understand your partner, to learn more about them, to connect, and then to grow as a couple.
[00:18:26] Speaker B: And to do that, you first got to get out of that fight flight or freeze.
[00:18:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:31] Speaker B: So you're only going to have that great repair where you can use that opportunity. So don't think we're trying to tell you in an argument, see the opportunity that is never.
[00:18:40] Speaker A: Yeah. You're not going to sit there going, this is an awesome argument, sweetie. You're learning. I'm learning. How good is this? We might ever.
[00:18:47] Speaker B: Yeah, but, but what we're saying is today is the hack that's going to give you the space, hopefully to be able to take the opportunity out of the argument once you. Once you've got through the heat of the argument. We're saying this is just take the heat out of the argument. That's the point of it. Right. It's that quick. Nip it in the butt.
[00:19:08] Speaker A: That's right, sweetie. So let's get into it. Three quick hacks to stop an argument in its tracks.
[00:19:14] Speaker B: Okay, so the idea between these three. Three hacks is that instead of going for the win, you hit the pause button, you hit the reset, and you restart the conversation towards repair in a really calm and team mentality state. That's what we want to do. We want to come towards that repair from the best place possible. And, and as we've said, we're just trying to take the heat out of the argument with these. It's just about getting out of that state of emotional overwhelm, that fight flight, freeze and. And getting out refilling our batteries so that we can have a productive conversation. So hack number one, the undo button. Can you imagine if you just had an undo button in life?
[00:19:56] Speaker A: Well, now you do. For an argument.
[00:19:58] Speaker B: Now you do. Okay, so how many times have you been in an argument? Something Slips out of your mouth and you know you want to push rewind.
[00:20:06] Speaker A: I'm putting my hand up here.
[00:20:07] Speaker B: So you like just press the button. Please take it back the second it comes out. You can see it in that person's eyes. Whoopsie. I should not have done that. The undo button is the really quick way to reset mid argument by acknowledging this misstep and reframing it. So once it's out and you think, bugger, I've got a. I need to push rewind on that. It's a quick wait, sorry, I didn't really mean that. Let me try that again. Or that came out wrong. That wasn't nice. I'm sorry. What I meant was A, B and C. And this immediately disrupts the negative spiral and opens the door once you guys have both calmed down again for that better repair. So the. What usually happens in this scenario and the reason people don't jump in with a Wait, sorry, I didn't really mean that. Let me try that again straight away. Even though in the moment they often realize they wish they could push undo on what they've said, there's this sense in our, in our, in our mind that if we admit that we went too far in the midst of the argument, that none of what else we've said will be acknowledged. Yeah, that we're giving ground on all of that. And that's the end of the argument. But that's not the case. Remember, we're just dealing with an emotional state here. We're just trying to stay in a good state. The discussion around the issue is still going to happen. It's going to happen in the repair. The repair is going to work on that.
You don't need to be full steam ahead. In fact, it's the opposite. You need to take the steam out to make sure that you get. Because the goal here is to get to that positive repair state.
So why does the undo button work? It loses.
Causes the fight to lose the momentum. So it's, it's. It's quite jarring when someone admits a mistake. It's jarring for the person receiving the admission. It's like, wow, that person just got outside of themselves, which is causing me to get outside of myself in this moment. So it's got. It loses the momentum of the fight. It gives you that jolt out of the really heavy emotional state you're in. Sometimes, sometimes not. But at least it at least diffuses some of the tension that you've got and that it's that small real time repair attempt again. That can set the foundation for a better repair as well, a bigger repair. As you finish the argument.
[00:22:37] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that it's a really good one, because straight away, you're showing that, oh, I stuffed up, you know, but we still need to continue to talk about the other things. And we said before, one of the reasons it doesn't get used is because we're. We're so worried that. That. That us going too far will mean that our thoughts and feelings won't be heard. But actually, this is showing that, hey, I have a bit of humility. I'm taking accountability of what I've said.
So I'm gonna. You know, that's the elephant in the room. Let's. Let's address that. But then we can get back to addressing the core issue of the argument.
[00:23:12] Speaker B: You know what? As well it does, as you describe that, Rogers, it builds trust.
[00:23:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:23:16] Speaker B: Because it shows an emotional maturity. And when we're arguing with a partner, we go into a really vulnerable state. We're not sure how much they're going to be able to handle of our emotional vulnerability. We're really not like, if I keep giving you this stuff, are you going to cut me down? Are you going to hurt me more? If I tell you that this is hurting me, Are you going to acknowledge that appropriately, or are you going to hurt me in return? And when someone acknowledges something they've said that wasn't fair, it's showing vulnerability on their point part, which builds your. Your idea of this emotionally mature and safe person. And that's really important in a relationship.
[00:23:52] Speaker A: Yeah. It also models to the other person. It's like, here, this is where I want to take this. I've stuffed up.
[00:23:57] Speaker B: Beautifully said.
[00:23:59] Speaker A: This is where now how I want this argument or this fight to progress going forward.
[00:24:04] Speaker B: Yes. I love that. Yes.
[00:24:05] Speaker A: All right, hack number two, the safe word reset. So this is the one we talked about off the top of the show where Kim and I were having an argument. We neither of us colored ourselves in glory. And yet, you know, the next morning, first thing, where we could have just continued without this, through this argument, the rest of the day, we. We said gunter, and we stopped it in its tracks. And, you know, instead of there being a stalemate or another escalation, we were able to continue on for the rest of our day. And I think why the safe word reset works is because it's funny. It's. It's a funny word that both partners can sort of just again, jolt them out of that headspace of being, you know, aggressive. Or being adversarial. And, you know, a lot of it has something to do with, I guess, you know, for us it was watching Drive to Survive together on the couch and having a good laugh. And so you're sort of sent back to that emotional state to. To use it. You need to pick one when you're both in a good frame. Frame of mind. So for us, we chose Gunter. You know, when we were talking about arguments that worked. We've used pineapple in the past because it's in a scene from Train Wreck with Amy Schumer. And, you know, or it could just be a silly word like fiddlesticks. If you don't have something somewhere that sort of, you know, jives of you, it could be something silly, a silly word that is so out of, so, so random that it can jolt you both out of this sort of this fighting mindset.
You know, when you use it, it often happens when one of you feels that the fight is going on without any purpose and you feel that, hey, I don't even want to be in this. Or sometimes it's like, I don't even know why we're fighting. Why, why, how did we even get here? And I think you also, It's a bit of a. You can also both feel that neither of you want to be in this fight. And again, sometimes it happens when you don't have the. With the argument. It's not something you need to die on a hill for. It's like, I don't even. I don't want to be here. I don't really care about this.
[00:26:06] Speaker B: We'll often be in an argument and one of us will say something like, well, you said that thing. And the person will go, oh, yeah, what did I say?
You know, that thing you said?
[00:26:14] Speaker A: That's usually me because I can't remember what was said.
[00:26:17] Speaker B: Yeah, what did I say? Go on. And then you realize that this person is arguing over something they don't even know.
[00:26:23] Speaker A: Yeah.
I think when we say Gunter, obviously sometimes there's a chuckle. But if, you know, it's been a bit of a fight, we can also just sort of take a bit of a 30 second breather. And, you know, we race, we reset. And generally both of us will say, sorry, hey, sorry, like, what were we doing? Let's kick on. Like, let's go on it. But of course, what usually happens is when, when you don't have a safe word and even though both. You don't really want to be in the argument, it just drags on and it can ruin your day. And even though you're in a stalemate, you feel that if you go and say, sorry, you've lost the argument, even though you felt, well, I was sort of wronged in this as well. So I think that can be a real. Be a really dangerous mindset, because the worst thing is to fight about something you don't actually even care about or you shouldn't fight about in the first place. But why it does work is that it triggers a humor and playfulness, which, again, sort of cuts the. Through that tension. And it also gives you both equal power because you can both press reset without feeling like you're giving in. And it's that trust thing you were talking about before, sweetie.
[00:27:26] Speaker B: Yeah, that lovely idea that that person's willing to show vulnerability so you can show it back. You've, you've. And even that modeling, isn't it, of where you want things to go.
[00:27:36] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:27:37] Speaker B: Love that. All right, hack number three. Hack number three is change the environment. You might be thinking straight off the bat, how am I changing the environment in the middle of an argument? You really can do this. Rog and I do this quite often. It's gonna sound today like we argue all the time, and it's probably because we do to some degree.
[00:27:54] Speaker A: We're firecrackers.
[00:27:55] Speaker B: We are firecrackers. And I would say some of the arguments are debates, and some of them boil into arguments pretty quickly. So one of the things that we use to super, super great effect is, let's go for a walk and talk about this. And instantly we're in. I'm talking mid argument. You know, tempers are flaring. We're both trying to get our point across. Let's go for a walk and talk. Even then, you have to go get your shoes. You have to get your hat. It gives you a minute to calm down first, and then you get to go outside and you get some fresh air. Another thing you can offer to do is, can we go and grab a coffee at a cafe? Yeah, go you again. You've got to go through the process of getting there. You're having a warm drink. It's going to calm your system. It's going to make you feel more relaxed. You're out of the home. You're not in a space that screaming is usually accepted. So you're also going to be a little bit more considerate with your volume and your comments. It's really about removing yourself from the situation you're in. That's allowing this to perpetuate and continue and putting yourself in another environment that's going to support recovery from it, support repair from it. Now, what usually happens is you can't leave the argument. You feel like you, you. I don't want to stop. I don't want to stop right now. I've got to keep going. And changing the physical space won't give me the chance to my point across. But you could literally, if you're that worried, grab a pen and paper, write down all your angry points, and take it with you on the walk. Do you know what I mean? Like, you will not lose anything. And then say, I want to kick off on the. All right, kick off on the walk. Great. The partner's probably calmed down by then. They're going to find it quite amusing that you brought your little pen and paper.
[00:29:32] Speaker A: Yeah. I think that the space itself almost feels like it's a part of the argument. So if you can change the space, you also have a chance to change the argument.
[00:29:40] Speaker B: I like that. And I think that's, that's very true. I think it does feel like in your brain you've reset. So why are you replaying the same thing in a different environment?
So, so why does this actually work?
You don't feel like you're conceding. You're like, all right. And, you know, like I said, if you're really highly strung in that situation, write your points down, take them with you. That's absolutely fine. You're not giving up. You're just saying, I want this to be more productive than it is right now. We've reached that open, overwhelmed state. Let's get somewhere where we can make it more productive. And then there's the, the biological reasons. This is super helpful. If you go moving like we do, we often walk and we hike. I'm talking like, you know, hot, hot footed.
[00:30:22] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:22] Speaker B: It gets out some of the stress and you can't get really angry when you're trying to breathe.
It just doesn't work.
[00:30:31] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:31] Speaker B: So the physical movement, it helps to reset our emotional state. It reduces our cortisol, it increases our oxytocin. When we're standing closer to the person we love, we feel that physical, that physical connection, even on a subconscious level. So physical movement's really great for you. And also if you shift the environment to standing side by side or sitting side by side at a cafe, it loses the, the history that we have in our brain that front on means confrontation. So side by side is a much easier way for our, ourselves to engage each other. And it also loses the intimidation of sometimes the eye contact, contact. And those sorts of front facing conversations can be far harder for people to have and far more triggering into that threat zone than a side by side conversation.
[00:31:17] Speaker A: Yeah, so with these three hacks, what we're really trying to do is we're trying to snap ourselves out of that heightened state of emotional flooding, that fight, flight and freeze. We're trying to stop an argument in its tracks before it escalates beyond a point where either of you want it to go. Because we don't want to get to a stage where we're doing, saying or being told nasty things. We love our partners, we want to move forward and we want to learn more from them and more about them. And we want, I guess most of us want peace in our relationships. But as we said, good couples fight. So this, I will say it's important to note that this doesn't mean when you use these hacks, it's not about avoiding tough conversations. So if you all of a sudden just say, oh, you know Gunter, when your partner's just trying to get a really point, important point across and it hasn't actually escalated, that's not really what it's here for. We feel you can use these three hacks in, in different arguments, different times, but it's not about avoiding confrontation altogether. And it's also they shouldn't be used as a tool to shut the other person down. Both partners need to agree to use it and it needs to be respectful.
You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:32:37] Speaker B: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship insights and conversations, head over to Kim Androg.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:32:47] Speaker A: And if you liked today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
[00:32:55] Speaker B: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
