Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: You.
[00:00:03] Speaker B: When it comes to relationships, we're often told to look out for red flags. But what about the green ones, those indicators that tell us we're on the right track? Today, we put the spotlight on five relationship green flags, behaviors that enrich and nourish the bond between two people. So join us as we dive into these signals of lasting love and connection.
[00:00:24] Speaker A: You.
Hey, we're Kim and Roger, and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:35] Speaker B: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should. We think about the future as a field of possibilities, and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:43] Speaker A: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage, and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:00:52] Speaker B: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house flipping business, we've achieved some big dreams. And most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:01] Speaker A: Hear conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts, and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:10] Speaker B: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfortable in whatever tickles you pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
I think everyone's probably heard the term these days, green flag. Actually, I think I might be pretty new to the party with this. As only up until a couple of months ago, where Kim started talking about it, I really understood a green flag was and I just assumed it was the opposite to a red flag, which is exactly what it is. A green flag is the opposite to a red flag. And of course, at living the team life, we like to sit in the positive space. And so that's why today we're going to talk about five green flags for your relationship or your partnership or any future relationship. And I think these are great whether you see them in yourself or your partner. And if you don't, again, be positive, maybe these are things you can implement in your relationship. So, yeah. Anything from you, Kim?
[00:02:19] Speaker A: No, I think let's just kick off and have a look at what the five green flags are, because it is okay, so there obviously is something from me.
It is a pretty simple concept. It's about simple as it sounds, which is it is an indication that your partner or potential partner are in line or aligned with what would be healthy behaviors in a relationship that be positive, that healthy behaviors.
[00:02:47] Speaker B: I think that's a good one. Perfect.
[00:02:49] Speaker A: Yeah. Okay. All right. Should we kick off, then?
First one the first green flag is that your partner or your potential partner is emotionally available. And I'll just unpack. That what emotionally available means.
It means that the person engages in meaningful emotional connections. So that can look like communicating their feelings openly. It can look like providing support and understanding to the partner when they're expressing their feelings or expressing difficult thoughts or difficult states they're in. It's really about an ability to share those feelings, thoughts, and really be vulnerable in a way in the relationship that is open and respectful.
And within this, it isn't saying I will clarify, it isn't saying being just an emotional open chasm. It's not about just blurting emotions out or just leaking and seeping emotions all over people.
It is about being responsible in the way you communicate emotions. It's about things like setting boundaries are actually being emotionally available. Respecting boundaries is being emotionally available. So if your partner says, that's a hard boundary, for me, showing the respect for that boundary shows that your emotions are developed and your ability to manage and sit with your emotions is developed enough that you're available to know that that's not personal, that's a need they have, and you want to show them that respect.
[00:04:40] Speaker B: That makes a lot of sense to me because I think a lot of us can end up just talking about operational issues with our partner. Okay, what time do the kids need to be at school? Who's got drop off and pick up? Or have you picked up the milk? Oh, jeez, we've got so and so on the weekend. But the conversations that are important are the deeper conversations, and you need to be available to each other to talk about the things that really matter in your lives and to be there to support each other when times are tough, to be there to enjoy the fun when things are going well. And we don't like to generalize too much here, but I will say to guys, I think sometimes we can look at women and go, oh man, I'm trying to be emotionally available, but their emotions are coming at me all the time.
They're wanting me to be open. Twenty four, seven, and I'm sort of sitting here going, well, yeah, that may be true, and it can be overwhelming at times, but actually the research shows us that that's actually just how women are. Women have so many more hormones going on, especially at different times of the month, than Blokes do. And that's just a biological evolutionary reason for that. Guys are generally just dealing with testosterone, and we struggle with that a little bit as well.
[00:06:07] Speaker A: So you're saying because of the way we're built as women, so the biology that we have more like a greater range of emotions and a greater range.
[00:06:17] Speaker B: Within each emotion 100%. And you mix that with the fact that you're also more emotionally fluent, you read all the books, you watch all the shows, you go on Instagram. You're listening to Living the Team Life podcast. Maybe more than the Blokes are, definitely.
So your vocabulary and I guess you're a lot better equipped, and you're also just got more volume coming out. But most women are like that. And really, for a guy, if you want to have a strong bond and strong relationship with your partner, you got to man up or you've got to turn up and be available, even.
Trust me, there are times where I'm sitting there going, this is a lot, and I just have to watch myself and go, yeah, but that's the point. If you ever want your partner to be emotionally available to you for when things get time, if you want to be able to be more vulnerable, which is really important, then you do have to be there for them as well.
[00:07:19] Speaker A: Yeah, it's interesting when you think about what you're saying, Rodgie, because emotional availability isn't saying that you have to match the amount of emotion your partner gives out. So, for example, in our relationship, I am more emotionally expressive. I talk about my emotions and my feelings all the time, and part of that is because I'm an outward processor, and I don't need for you to be fully emotionally available. I don't need you in that moment or later on to match me by giving me all of your emotions and feelings. What I actually need from you to be emotionally available is to allow me to have my emotions and feelings in a safe place. So to hear them, to let them be present, that's what I need out of that space for you to feel emotionally available to me.
[00:08:09] Speaker B: Yeah, I definitely back in the day used to stonewall a bit or just go, babe, you'll be fine, babe, why are you so stressed all the time? And of course, that was never helpful. Calm down. Well, there's no one in the history of the human species who has calmed down more after someone said, calm down.
[00:08:30] Speaker A: It might look like you, Karma, but it's the seething?
[00:08:34] Speaker B: Great. I think that was a great one. So emotional availability is our first green flag. Okay, so our second green flag is they back up words with actions. And I guess really what we're saying is you can trust them, because that's what trust is, really, isn't it? It's when you say to your partner, I'm going to do something, and then you actually go and do it. Or if you say to your partner, I'm not going to do that anymore, or I'm not going to do that, and you don't do it. Because what it is, it's proof to them. It's proof that you can be counted on. And so I think, again for guys, and I'm talking to the guys a lot here, is that just as a hint, you do this. And the research says that gets the oxytocin flowing. If you go back to one of our recent episodes on how to make the love drugs work for you. We actually go a bit more in depth in that and definitely backing up your words with actions does get the oxytofs and that bonding chemical in women going. So it can reduce stress in the household and allow you to focus on the other things in your life.
[00:09:44] Speaker A: Yeah, it's definitely an important one from a female perspective, I can say, because it contributes to the sense of credibility that you have in your partner, that sort of belief that your partner is who they say they are, that they're a very credible person. And for women that builds a real sense of safety when you know that that person is aligned with who they say they are. So you can have some idea about how they're going to act in the future and how they're going to be in the future. Because you've seen over time that they're credible, that what they say is what they do. And the other thing that I think that's really helpful, that comes out of a partner who backs up their words with actions is it builds a lot of respect in the relationship if your partner is doing what they say they're going to do. They are saying not only that they respect you because they've made a commitment to you and they've made a statement that they're going to do something, but also that they respect themselves, that they respect the comments that they make, they respect the commitments they make. And respect within a relationship is a really excellent underpinning for growth.
[00:11:06] Speaker B: I really like that because I think especially for men, for men to be respected is really important to us.
I really like that. And I guess for guys and women to think about it from maybe not the relationship context, but it's comparable to, like, when you're at work, right, and you're you're a manager or you're I've got a colleague and you give them a piece of work or they're part of your team and they've got a piece of work to do.
And so when you give them a deadline or they say, I'm going to get something done by this date, they do it. And if you do that consistently, you start to build respect and trust for them and that then allows you to work on your stuff, the stuff that you need to get done more efficiently and with greater focus because you're not sitting there in the back going, gee, are they going to turn up today? Are they going to do A, B and C? And I think it's the same in a relationship. And not only that, it's just like you have to manage your manager or your work colleagues expectations. If you're not going to get it done, say, hey, can't get this done, it's not going to happen. I'm not going to be able to follow through on my actions today. But I'm bringing this to the table, and I might be able to do it tomorrow, or can you support me to figure out what we can do moving forward?
[00:12:21] Speaker A: Yeah, dependability, which is what you get when you back your words up with actions is priceless, isn't it? Like you say, it allows you to go and be your best self because you know that your partner is going to be doing what they said they're going to do.
[00:12:34] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:12:35] Speaker A: Yeah. It's a really great one. All right, on to the next one. So we've got two green flags so far being emotionally available and backing up words with actions. And the third green flag we've got is that the partner, your partner, will talk about the future in US and we terms. So when they describe their future, they describe it as an us future. So it's not actually their future. It's your future, the two of you together. And really, when a partner starts talking like this, it shows a number of things, but at its core, it's that they have an acceptance and a belief and a commitment to the idea of team, which is what we talk about here, obviously. It's at the heart of what we do, and that means believing and living into the fact that the relationship comes first. It's about that unit, that unit, the relationship, the two of you, the group that you have created, that community you've created together, coming first and making that relationship a priority and making it a unit that comes first. It builds unity in your life. And what that looks like is your problems are my problems, your wins are my wins, your losses are my losses. And there's a term out there called Ubuntu, which has been made famous in different sports teams, and it says, I am what I am because of who we all are. And it refers to the collective, the power of being the collective. So if your partner is green flagging you with this, they're saying we and us. The power of the collective is that you go on to share all of life's ups and downs. The hardships are halved, the wins are doubled. It is extremely powerful in a relationship to be an us on a we, which at its core, is a team.
[00:14:29] Speaker B: Yeah, 100%. We should never have to wonder whether our partner sees us as part of their future, because when we know our partner sees a combined future and works towards it, it builds that safety. It builds that security in the relationship again, just like, trust where we can go be our best selves. And I think a lot of people can do it accidentally, where they might all of a sudden going, oh, I really want to go do this, I really want to go and do that. And it's like, well, hang on a second. How have you put that in the team context? And they might not have meant to have said, oh, well, I'm going to go off and do something completely solo. But that's often done enough. That's how the other person can feel. It's like, wow, you seem to have all these plans and ideas. Am I a part of that? Well, if I'm not a part of that, maybe I need to think of a future of my own future, a future that may be different. And you can see how, over time, maybe you start to cause a bit of drift in the relationship as a result.
[00:15:37] Speaker A: Yeah, that's really the red flag side of it, isn't it?
[00:15:39] Speaker B: Yeah. And we're talking about green flags today.
And to use the green flag, then it's like the best way to do this is to plan together and set goals together, set a five year plan together. Kim and I will say it again and again, planning is freedom. Because when you lock in that plan and you both have common goals you're working towards, or goals that are individual, goals that you are transparent about and can support each other with, then you can again just get on with life with someone who has your back no matter what. And that sense of safety and security is always there behind you as the wind in your sails.
[00:16:18] Speaker A: Yeah. That's the other benefit, really, of a partner who's an us and a we person or a team person is it means that exactly what you're saying, Roger, that you're focused on being aligned in what you believe and what you value and where you're heading. And that means the smaller stuff that irritates relationships. And we've spoken about this before in a few podcasts. The smaller stuff, it gets let go more easily. It actually makes conflict much easier when you're with a person who is an us and a we and you're an us and a we, because you're saying, we're on the same team. We're on the same team, is what us and we amounts to. And so when those little things do arise, like they do every day in our life, most of the time you can say to yourself, yeah, but we're heading in the right direction. Together, we've agreed this, and I saw that in actions A, B, and C. So I'm going to let this D, that's bugging me. I'm going to let that go. And you do manage to move past things more easily.
[00:17:15] Speaker B: That is a perfect segue onto our next green flag, which is your partner chooses to work out conflict because work.
[00:17:24] Speaker A: To work it out.
[00:17:25] Speaker B: They work to work out conflict. All right, there's a tongue twister. You should have got that one.
Okay, so the truth is, you got to fight. Tim and I fight almost every day. Or maybe we should say we disagree almost every day, because I don't think.
[00:17:43] Speaker A: You need to be scared of the word fight.
[00:17:45] Speaker B: No. And look again, we said this in one of our recent episodes, one of our Mythbuster episodes that good couples don't fight when actually, no, it's the opposite. Good couples do fight. They just understand how to repair, they understand how to come back to the table. And I think a lot of us were either avoidant of conflict or we're so caught up in how we're feeling and the impact on the individual. Just like Kim talked about in terms of the team, we're so caught up in terms of the individual that we don't see a reason we should come back to the table. We should apologize. We should take accountability for our actions to come to work out of the conflict.
[00:18:31] Speaker A: Yeah, working to work it out is really, for me, about showing your partner that you're committed. That's the big thing that comes out of it for me, actually. Because if you are someone who wants to walk away, who stonewalls, whatever it is, consistently doesn't participate, doesn't do the work, the message it's sending loud and clear is that if things get hard, they're not going to be there. And I think you need to know that as you grow and go on as a couple, that they are committed to doing the work. Because it doesn't matter how good your relationship is, you could be literally the unicorn of relationships and you are going to have days that you never imagined coming. They are going to hurt like nothing on earth. Because that's what happens when you put two people together in this unpredictable world, in this unpredictable life. And when those days come, you want to know that the person standing next to you is going to stand there and do the work, that they're going to be committed to you and to the relationship and doing the work. And when we have that commitment, it builds incredible intimacy in the relationship.
It's telling each partner that you value that relationship so deeply. And that's very powerful, especially from the female perspective, that feeling, that intimacy that you get from a committed partner.
[00:20:11] Speaker B: If you're someone who's interested in individual growth, becoming a better person, constantly improving as you get older, as you grow, if you are in a relationship, then your biggest asset in terms of your growth after yourself is actually your partner. Because they can be there. They can be someone who challenges you. They can be someone who tests you. They can be someone who holds you to account when sometimes you forget or aren't able to hold yourself to account. They are someone who can say, hey, but here's a different opinion, or hey, maybe we can strive and push even further. This is so important. It is such a massive benefit to have someone like that in your life. And when you're a team and you know that overarching sense of you're in this together and you're working towards the same life and the same goals, that challenge and that rift and repair and that testing and that pushing it really sends you into hyperdrive in terms of your personal development and personal growth. And I know that the last five years has been the biggest five years in terms of my personal development and growth. And that also aligns and correlates very much so with the strengthening of my bond and relationship with you. And of course, doing this podcast where we're constantly testing and challenging each other and ideas and concepts.
[00:21:45] Speaker A: Yeah, I completely agree. I mean, that's the upside to all of this relationship stuff that we talk about, really, isn't it? The greatest upside, beyond having an incredible relationship, which is just phenomenal, the greatest upside to the individual is you will live your best individual life. That's the thing that I think people, they think they give up their independence and they give up their individuality. But it's the complete opposite when you've got someone behind you, someone next to you, someone in front of you, when you need someone to lead, it's like a superpower. You become and live into your most full self. And actually that's a great segue into our fifth green flag, because our fifth green flag actually talks about becoming your best self and how your partner supports that. And our fifth green flag is that your partner is a kind person.
And kind might sound like a really simple word, but kindness is one of those things. It's secretively, powerful. If you meet someone and they're kind, what it says, and I mean truly kind, not a fake kind, like a kind really implies a good heart, a really good heart.
What that kindness is saying is that that person is less likely to want to hurt you. They're less likely to want to stay in hurtful patterns in a relationship.
And what that means is that as you go forward in that relationship and grow and suffer together as you inevitably will, and go through the trials and tribulations of life, that person is going to be on the right side of that hard work. And I think that that's really important because the reality is, especially if you meet young like Roger and I did, you've got so much living and learning and growing to go and you can't easily know whether that person is going to manage the growing with you. Now, we look like completely different persons from when we met, we really do. But something we both had from the very beginning was kindness. We were kind to each other, really, probably even kinder than we were to ourselves. And for me, that was something that connected and bonded us and did keep my belief in the relationship even through the harder times.
[00:24:22] Speaker B: I think being kind can often be mistaken for being weak or weakness. And yeah, being kind might show a bit of vulnerability, but my belief is that being kind is being strong. Putting your partner first is a kind thing to do. And it takes strength to put someone else first above yourself, doing stuff for your partner just for the sake of it, not for anything in return, takes strength. Saying your pleases, saying your thank yous, being patient, that takes strength. It takes patience. Giving your partner the seat on the plane, they like, even though you know you're going to be uncomfortable for hours.
[00:25:08] Speaker A: I always get the best seat because I'm claustrophobic and you have way bigger legs, but you will sit in the middle seat no matter what.
[00:25:16] Speaker B: Sometimes letting your partner eat the chips off your plate is strength.
[00:25:21] Speaker A: You eat my chips?
[00:25:22] Speaker B: Yeah, you're strong because you're giving me your chips.
But I think this is a really important point because I think there's some women and some guys out there who are just like, I can't show that vulnerability. I can't show that weakness. And yet again, it is vulnerability. But being kind is a show of strength, and it's a show of strength and support for your relationship and your partner.
[00:25:46] Speaker A: Oh, I love that. It is. Kindness really is a belief, isn't it? Because when you're kind, you put it out there with no expectation, just a belief that kindness will come back.
[00:25:55] Speaker B: It's a gift.
[00:25:56] Speaker A: It's a gift. And I love the way that you frame that. And the other thing about kindness that I think is really lovely is that it builds dignity in a relationship. When your partner is kind to you, you increase your sense of self worth because you feel like you're worth it. That person's showing you you're worth their effort, you're worth their kind words, their caringness, their nurturing, all of that is kindness. Their support, that's kindness. And it builds your sense of dignity in yourself, the dignity of the relationship, that it is a worthy relationship, that you are a worthy person. And worthiness is like the springboard of life. If you feel worthy, you go on to pursue your greatest dreams because you feel like you're worthy of them. It's this lack of worthiness that keeps us back in life. And I don't want to head too far into the red flag, but I want to stay with the kindness. Kindness builds dignity, and that's a beautiful thing.
[00:26:56] Speaker B: Yeah, I really love how we unpacked that last one today as well. Okay, so that's our five green flags for your relationship, things that if you see any of these in your relationship, hey, congratulations, you're doing really well, and you should give yourselves a pat in the back. And if there's any you don't see, have a look and see how you can implement them. Have a chat to your partner. Say how we can do that with each other. So we'll run them back again. One, they are emotionally available. Two, they back up words with action. Three, they talk about the future in us and we terms. Four, they work to work out conflict. And five, they are kind. Remember, this isn't just about seeing it in your partner. This is about seeing it in yourself as well. So, Kim, what's your gold nugget for today?
[00:27:50] Speaker A: I actually am going to just veer a little bit left of how we usually do the gold nugget, which is what we take the one big thing we took out of the show and say, oh, no, you said it in the show, so it is out of the show. The gold nugget for me was what you just said, Rogie, which was, discuss this with your partner. I actually think if you want to have a really great conversation with your partner, take this to them, listen to it together and then sit down and talk through, because this is a great way to see what you're doing really well in your relationship and it's important to see what you're doing well. If we just focus on the negatives, it's very demotivating. It's a disincentive to make change or grow. So go through this with your partner. You are definitely going to hit on some of these, maybe all of them, and the ones that you're not, you can then use that as a starting off point to build further connection.
[00:28:42] Speaker B: Yeah. If you're listening to this podcast, you're already on a bit of a personal development journey and a relationship development journey. And sometimes when we're in relationships, actually all the times, anyone who's ever been in a relationship, there are hard times and sometimes you're like, this is hurting me so much and it's impacting all of my life. But there are always green flags in there and if it's not one of these five, there will be other ones. And use that as a kindling. Use that as the little fire starter to make more improvement. Come together in your relationship.
You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:29:26] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more Living the Team Life relationship insights and conversations, head over to Kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:29:36] Speaker B: And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
[00:29:44] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
