Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Most guys want to connect with their partner, they just don't know how to. It's not that they don't care, it's just that emotional connection can feel a bit, well, vague. Like, what does being emotionally connected really mean? More hugs, more deep chats interpreting subtle mood shifts through the art of interpretive dance. Enter Browning points. Every guy gets this. Do good things, rack up the points, and your relationship gets better. But here's the kicker. It's not about keeping score. It's about making small, everyday deposits into your relationship that can create real moments of connection. Today we're breaking down why brownie points work and the research that proves they do. Plus, we're making it easy with a heap of simple ways you and your partner can start using them today. So stick around, because we're about to make emotional connection a whole lot simpler and a whole lot more fun.
[00:00:55] Speaker B: People were always telling us, you guys are such a team. And we began to realise this just isn't the case for most couples.
[00:01:02] Speaker A: But we knew from our own experience of turning our relationship into a team that change isn't just possible, it's inevitable. All you need is a little direction.
[00:01:10] Speaker B: So that's what we do on this show. We steer you in the right direction. We keep it simple. We show you why relationship struggles show up and how you can start changing your relationship today.
[00:01:20] Speaker A: And we bring the good stuff by turning information from leading relationship experts and evidence based research into easy to understand skills and tools that anyone can use.
[00:01:29] Speaker B: We also share insights from our own 23 years of experience together. And we chat with some incredible couples who offer their wisdom on relationships.
[00:01:36] Speaker A: If a better relationship is what you want, then get comfy. Whatever tickles your pickle. As we prepare to dive into all.
[00:01:43] Speaker B: Things team, We're Kim and Rog, and this is the Living the Team Life podcast.
[00:01:52] Speaker A: So the other night, Kim and I were in bed just having, you know, our usual nightly chat, and she turned to me and said, well, you know, you've been a very good bear recently. Bears her sort of nickname for me when she's feeling lovey. And I think that's the point. She was feeling quite lovey at the time. Now we're just like everyone else. Too much to do, too little time to do it. Running between, you know, between running our business, managing our little human, watching the, the bill skyrocket. We've been stretched pretty thin recently. I'm sure a lot of you have felt the same. And to be honest, maybe we haven't been as connected as we should have. Been recently.
But you know, there's not like there's an underlying issue. I think the reality is both of us just feel like we're at capacity and it's only, it's only March, right? So, so I started thinking about where did this sudden wave of love and affection come from? Do I deserve it? So, so I asked him and I guess she couldn't, you know, ask him, what, what's that? What have I done? And she goes, well, she couldn't point to anything specifically that she noticed, but she just said I've been doing good things, that I'd earned a lot of brownie points.
And I guess that sort of struck me, right? I had been making a conscious effort to I guess go above and beyond, not just do the usual business as usual, the jobs that I should be doing. I've, you know, I feel, I've been trying to, I guess make an effort, make an extra effort to show Kim that I love her and that I support her and that, you know, I'm a big part of this team, you know, where it's helping out more around the house, cooking meals that Kim's love, that Kim loves, even baking her some carb free treats, that sort of thing. So, so for me that's when it clicks. That brownie points is a lang is a language I understand, it's a currency that I know how to die, know how to earn and I know how to spend. And I don't know, I'm not sure if a lot of guys do know how to properly emotionally connect with their partners, but I do think they know what brownie points mean.
[00:03:57] Speaker B: Yeah, it's a funny one because the term brownie points I don't actually love and I'm surprised I used grates on me a little bit because the inference is that you do need to earn points and that you have a point system going on in your relationship.
That said, I am fully aware of it's the good side to the term brownie points and the fact that it is part of our natural vernacular in Australia. So, so the way we speak day to day and I guess in that moment I was using it because on some subconscious level I knew it would have the greatest impact of, in a way of telling you that what you'd been doing had been noticed.
[00:04:48] Speaker A: Yeah, that makes total sense because as I said, it clicked with me. I was like, oh, I can do more of that. And I think this is really important because I think we are hearing a lot from people out there, especially as, you know, things, things are going crazy. And maybe through all this, you know where we should feel our safest, which is at the home. Maybe we don't feel as safe because couples maybe are feeling less connected than they used to.
[00:05:14] Speaker B: I think that's very true, Roche. Things are pretty wild at the moment. I mean, we won't get political on this podcast. Let's just say it is the dawn of a new era. It feels. And I think there's a lot of anxiety in the air at the moment.
[00:05:30] Speaker A: I was waiting for the post Covid calm. There's no post Covid calm.
[00:05:34] Speaker B: I think that's a great lesson for life, though. Don't wait for the calm. It's not coming.
[00:05:38] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:05:39] Speaker B: And if it is, it's fleeting.
[00:05:41] Speaker A: Yeah, the hits keep coming.
[00:05:43] Speaker B: But that's. That is true. Life is very up and down and, and, and you. You do often get multiple hits in a row. And I think the pressures that we're seeing at the moment, the. The world stage as it is and the, the big inflationary pressures people have been experiencing for an ongoing period. Right on the back of COVID Yes. Whilst Covid felt like a super anomaly and was an anomaly in terms of history, the reality is life is hard on an ongoing basis because we do have a lot of things pulling on us. We do have a lot of connection in different realms these days. And I think really that's what. What lies at the heart of the problem that we wanted to talk about today. And. And the reason you shared that story, which I will articulate the connection now properly. Can't get my words out today, is that we are feeling less connected at the moment. We're feeling less connected in our relationship. It's one of the key things people bring to us. As a comment, I feel less connected with my partner. And the comment really goes like this. We're going through the motions. And I think absolutely, that is a really common experience for couples at the moment because we are not just busy. I think that's something people get confused around. They think I'm just too busy. But there's just a lot of demand on us in all different directions. And so it's. It's busyness, but it's also capacity. You know, we've gotta. We've got to give ourselves in so many different directions.
[00:07:17] Speaker A: And so it's not just time capacity, it's emotional capacity. It's actual strength and energy. It's like your. Your whole being is at capacity a hundred percent.
[00:07:27] Speaker B: And, and I think as a result, our relationships often suffer because when we have this idea in our mind that that person can manage it. They can handle having less of me. They could, you know, and it's true. And that's the safety. That's your safety talking, saying, that person can manage having less of me. But the reality is it will not build a great relationship. It will build the bare minimum in your relationship and what you'll end up having and what you'll end up experiencing in that relationship is things like emotional distance where you don't feel that closeness you once had together. You get irritated with each other. You get. You have more misunderstandings, more, Less. Less sense of being on the same page. You have these feelings often of being unseen and underappreciated in the relationship. And. And you also have less physical and emotional intimacy. So really, the cost of not. Not putting that going above and beyond and making the relationship a priority for some of your capacity is quite huge.
[00:08:34] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think. I think the mistake most couples make here, and, you know, we really try teach this on the Living the Team Life podcast, is they focus on the. The negatives or the problems. What pro. What's going wrong with us? What should we do to fix that? Well, actually, you know, we strongly believe that instead of trying to fix the negatives, you should be working on the positives and ensuring that there is enough positive connections and interactions in your relationship to keep it thriving. So when the bad times do happen that you've got this, I guess you've got this money in the bank. You know, I think couples don't generally wake up one day and suddenly feel disconnected. It's happened by, you know, it's dead by a thousand cuts. It happens quite gradually. And the issue maybe isn't that they're arguing too much, which of course, arguing sucks, it's that maybe they're just not connecting enough. So it's not about the negative. It's about, well, are we. Do we have enough positives? And I think. Why. I think research backs this up. Right, because this is where Gottman's five to one rule comes in.
[00:09:40] Speaker B: Yeah. So Gottman says that the. Well, his research tells us actually that the healthiest relationships have at least five positive interactions for everyone. One negative interaction. We've talked about this before, Roger. Do you remember the podcast?
[00:09:54] Speaker A: Oh, several podcasts. I think this is one of the. Almost those sort of cornerstone, one of those key, I guess, bits of research that most relationship counselors, most psychologists, most relationship experts will have in their toolkit as one of their, I guess, the founding. So this was done the 70s, this research. So, you know, and him and his wife could predict using this method within 90% accuracy which couples would thrive and which couples would fail.
[00:10:23] Speaker B: Which is incredible when you think about it.
I think the crux of this research that I really love and what you were saying, the mistake that people make is thinking that fixing their, their problems is going to make their relationship better. And what this research actually told us is that relationships thrive when you focus on doing things well, not when you focus on your problems. And, and I think the reason for that is, is a, is a human realness, which is that negative interactions are inevitable, bad things are going to happen, fights are going to happen with your partner, additional stress is going to come into the relationship, you're going to be pulled in different directions. This is a very normal part of life. And as much as we would like to get away from negative emotions and difficult experiences, it's just not reality. So the, the research suggested trying something else. And, and, and the outcome of the research was that it works if you focus on the positives and focus on building that, that what we've called before the love bank, which is depositing into that bank account with positive moments, you start to build up a really healthy love bank that you can, that you can draw from in the more negative moments that you can, you know, you build this sense of goodwill. You've got a bit of grace, if you will, in the relationship as a result of these consistent, ongoing positive interactions that you deliberately undertake in the relationship to build this credit in your bank account.
[00:11:59] Speaker A: Yeah, you're like building up emotional currency and like if you keep depositing money in the bank, every time there's a withdrawal, well, you've got credit, so you're okay. But if you haven't built up that money, you haven't built up that credit, all of a sudden you're in the red and you're in trouble.
[00:12:15] Speaker B: Yeah. And, and you know, the funny thing is if you build the credit, you'll have more of the negative interactions anyway. This is, this is the knock on effect. Right. So not only will you have credit in the bank for a bad day, because the bad days will come. Even if you have a great relationship, you and I know that it, the reality is you'll have less of the bad days because you're doing so many things that bring you closer to your partner, that build that attachment and connection.
[00:12:43] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think, I think a lot of guys get the Gottman five to one theory. They get, hey, you know, you got to be positive, you you know, that's how you bring about emotional connection. And I've always said that. We've always said that emotional connection is foreplay. Is foreplay. So you get emotionally connected, you get emotionally intimate, and then you're more likely to get intimate. But that's not what we're talking about today. We're talking about this five to one rule. And when guys talk about emotional connection, I think they get the concept, but they don't know how to put into action. And, and I think this is simply because a lot of guys don't have the, I guess, emotional fluency of language that many women do. They aren't naturally, you know, in tune with the subtle cues or the rhythms of an emotional connective state that women often are. They don't, they don't read the books, they don't watch the shows. It's just not natural for them. And this is generalizing a bit, but I think it's fairly true. I know that's how I used to be. And that's why they should listen to the podcast, because it takes time, it takes effort, takes work. But we also know we speak in different languages when it comes to that, men and women. And I think that's why the Brownie point can be so useful, because I think the brownie point is a great way for guys to understand how to use the Gottman 5 to 1 rule, how to do positive actions and make emotional connection in the relationship.
[00:14:01] Speaker B: Yeah, really. I guess what we saying today and what we sort of kicked off with was the brownie points is just a label that is helping guys, and this is you saying it. I'm not, I'm not generalizing this. I, I'll leave that to you because this is a bloke topic. So helping guys to understand the idea that if we do more it, it will equate to a better relationship. So if we do more positive things, we will have a better relationship. It's a really simple equation. When you say that without the term brownie points, you might be thinking, well, you know, the, I guess the, the challenges to that pop up in your head. Well, doing more what I have to. People are expecting more of me. People, blah, blah. But if you hear the word brownie points, because that's always had connotations in our community and in our culture. When you say brownie points, it means you've done good.
[00:14:56] Speaker A: Yeah, you did good.
[00:14:57] Speaker B: And, and you're probably gonna, you're probably going to have a better situation as a result of doing good. And that's what we're saying is, is happening if you do earn your brownie points or it doesn't matter. Don't think of it as in it's not the point system thing is, is not the big focus here. The point is the idea of doing more will. Improving your, improving your situation is what we're going for here. And that's why when Rog said to me, I really want to talk about that brownie points thing, because when you said you've earned brownie points, like a light bulb was like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Okay, so I need to keep doing what I'm doing. Right.
[00:15:36] Speaker A: If you, if you say to a guy, you know, you need to. Or whether this is a, you know, someone talking to them or their partner talking to them, it's like, we need more emotional connection. You need to do more. So we are more emotionally connected. The guy will sort of nod his head and go, that, that, that makes sense. And then guys like tools, they like skills, they like being able to go to action stuff they like. Even though they might ignore the IKEA instructions, they do like to fall back on the IKEA instructions in the end. And so if you say to a guy, if you say to a guy, if you work on constantly building up brownie points, and that is a great way to feel connection to your partner, that's a language we understand. I know how to build up brownie points. Now. We might need a few hints and tips along the way. We might only have a few. Go to things like maybe it's a foot rubber or whatever it is, but it's a lot easier for me to break down. It's like, how do I earn a brownie point as opposed to how do I get emotionally connected with my partner?
[00:16:37] Speaker B: I think the beautiful thing you described there as, well, Rogie foot rubs.
Don't get me started.
[00:16:45] Speaker A: I need to build up those brownie points.
[00:16:48] Speaker B: I think the beautiful thing, though, that you described there is when we use the term brownie points, the other thing that we really lean into is how well we know our partner.
[00:16:57] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:16:58] Speaker B: Because a brownie point is nuanced to that person. And you know that that's part of Browning point history. Right. You. You can't just earn general brownie points across the board doing the same things for different people. Everybody's got a different way of. And that's of. Of experiencing the sense that you're nurturing them and caring them.
[00:17:16] Speaker A: It's attunement.
[00:17:17] Speaker B: It's a. You're attuned to that person. Right.
[00:17:19] Speaker A: And that's why it's so special.
[00:17:20] Speaker B: That's why it's so unique, the term, because it actually the inference straight away, like you saying foot rubs, that is one of the ways. Now not every woman out there give you brownie points. I don't know, maybe there's some like foot sensitive ladies. But you know, for me that is a brownie point earner and that's a very cliched one because it's, you know, it's you really doing something very laborful. Do you know what I mean? There's lots of simpler, easier ways to earn brownie points than, than having to give someone a foot massage. But we use that one for now. It does earn a lot and that's maybe part of it.
[00:17:55] Speaker A: And at the end of the show we're going to give people a heap of different, a heap of different ways they can use Brownie points because some might work with a partner, some might not.
[00:18:06] Speaker B: But, and keeping that in mind, I guess as well, what we've just said, that it is nuanced to the person and that's why another reason the, the words brownie points work so well is because you do immediately think of the, the particular human and what their needs are.
[00:18:22] Speaker A: That's right. But you know, there are some watch points and I like this from the John Gottman as well. He says in a successful relationship, partners give without keeping score. If you tally up who did what, it creates a transactional dynamic rather than one based on trust and generosity.
Well, considering what we've just talked about, what do you think when, when he says that?
[00:18:45] Speaker B: I mean, I think I've said it just before a little bit and I'll expand on it. The idea of keeping score is not what the brownie points are about. The brownie points, even though it has the word points in it, is a concept of what. It's a concept of understanding. It's, it is part of our, our vernacular, our language these days. It's, it's a very colloquial term. We use it in Australia a lot and under underpinning it is just a very simple idea. If I go above and beyond for you, if I do something outside of what's expected, you know, of day to day stuff, that we will have a more loving situation and we will feel more connected and bonded. It will reap rewards in the situation which is the relationship. Right. That's all there is to it. It's not about in any way, shape or form. I earn Brownie points. Therefore you have to earn Brownie Points, therefore I have to earn the back and forth of point scoring. That's very different. And in fact, I think point scoring most often related to detractor points. So demerit points, you're getting you point score more when you are demerit scoring someone. So you took time out for that, therefore you owe me two points or you did this and, and therefore you owe me points. Do you know what I mean?
[00:20:04] Speaker A: Yeah. Tit for tat. And that's that, that's that transactional turning into the. Confrontational turning into the. My resources versus your resources versus team resources.
[00:20:15] Speaker B: Exactly. That adversarial approach that we talk about. And so for me, when I hear Gottman say this a hundred percent, that's what we're talking about with the brownie points. It's not a tallying against each other, it's the, it's just getting people to understand. And you brought the concept because you said for a bloke, it's so easy to understand that if we, if we go above and beyond in the relationship, it will benefit the whole relationship. And that's what the five to one concept explains. But using the word brownie points just helps you to understand what that means.
[00:20:48] Speaker A: Yeah. So you know, we're taking something that is research based, that is shown to prove a strong relationship when it's implemented and where, I guess making it more accessible, especially for blokes. This is something you can use as a tool daily. But you know, there's watch points to that. And I think that's what you're also getting at is that it's not a. For example, oh, babe, I gave you a foot rub yesterday. So we're having sex today. You know, you can't, you can't do things like that.
[00:21:16] Speaker B: No, that's not the idea of brownie points either. And I think if we think about it more from that positive space, right, it's all about building, building the wealth of the relationship. Building this and I mean wealth is in emotional wealth, emotional health, intimacy, connection, bond. You want to keep building. The idea of it isn't to put in and take out. The takeout is when you have to, when you, when stuff goes wrong. Do you know what I mean? The idea is not this transactional, you versus me. It's actually about building for your future together, building the foundation of the relationship. If you're trying to build something and you keep taking out from it, you never going anywhere. So you want to keep building and building and building and, and that's where you're going to Build that really lovely, secure relationship that ultimately will bring a lot of joy and a lot of connection and be a great relationship.
[00:22:11] Speaker A: Yeah, and this makes so much sense. So it's just like, you know, if you just go in dollar for dollar, like brownie point, for like negative brownie point, you're never going to get ahead. And then when stuff really goes wrong, because we just, we said this at stuff, like stuff, it's always goes wrong. You're gonna get into the red. And that's when these really big fights, this disconnection happens. So, so segueing from that, I guess we should tell you how, what the right approach is. And actually we can give you some examples of what, some of some ways you can earn brownie points. And I think Kim made a really good point earlier when she said that, you know, brownie points are very individualized. So what might work for Kim might not work for Kim Met.
So what?
[00:22:58] Speaker B: Ah, my nemesis.
[00:22:59] Speaker A: Yeah, Kim met.
So yeah, what, what might work for Kim won't work for any other chick out there. Or it might. You know, these are very, these are very individualized. So the right approach. How should we use brownie points? So again, this is about investing in your relationship. The more points you build up, the stronger your emotional connection with your partner and you get the benefits from a working, thriving, strong, connected relationship. You don't get brownie points though, from doing the things you should just be doing as a man or as a person in the relationship. Chores, parenting, paying the bills. You know, that's just being a functional adult. You know, when people talk about adulting, these aren't above and beyond things. These are just hygiene factors of how you, like, function in the world. These aren't things that gonna build up surplus of points or emotional connection points or brownie points in your relationship so that you can debit from them without going into the red and without causing.
[00:24:01] Speaker B: I think on this point, because mental load is such a massive issue and there's such a gender disparity on it, it's just easier to think household chores do not equal brownie points.
[00:24:12] Speaker A: No, no. You know, I think maybe one example could be where you see your partner is busy with something else or struggling or has to do something for work and you go, do you know what? I'm taking over your chores for today. Like, that's something that I'm going to do because I see that you need more time. So that's an idea of how a brownie point might work. But it's not. I stack the dishwasher for the first time in six years. Like I'm king Brownie point.
[00:24:38] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah, I like that.
[00:24:40] Speaker A: So, you know, I think we're going to go through a list now because, you know, we're all about practical solutions, you know, And I think what we're saying also isn't just about grand gestures. And you'll notice this when we go through these. It is about the small but meaningful, unexpected acts, you know, the things that can create a bit of surprise and delight in your relationship. So we'll go through a few now. So a couple. One might be kiss hello and kiss goodbye. Even if it's a quick peck at the start and end of the day.
[00:25:10] Speaker B: I really love that one. But I'm put a twist on it and say the good morning and good nights.
[00:25:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:16] Speaker B: But with a little something extra.
[00:25:18] Speaker A: Oi.
[00:25:19] Speaker B: How often.
[00:25:20] Speaker A: Hello.
[00:25:23] Speaker B: How often when you say good morning, do you go up to your love, give them a kiss and say good morning? How did you sleep? Showing that little bit of extra affection, isn't it? That's what really.
[00:25:33] Speaker A: It's a great way to start the day.
[00:25:34] Speaker B: It's a great way to start the day and it's a beautiful way to start to. To go to sleep at night as well.
[00:25:39] Speaker A: What about when you're out in public just holding their hand, like, how simple would that be? And how many times you just walking side by side or one of you walking ahead of the others. We know a few people like that. But, you know, just holding their hand.
[00:25:53] Speaker B: Like in hand holding is very sweet, especially as your relationship goes on because you are often holding your children's hands and you've got a million things in your hands and so you don't have as much natural opportunity to hold hands. You, you, you are literally. Your arms are full. And so when it's just the two of you, maybe the holding hands becomes extra special. Right. It's a real moment of physical intimacy.
[00:26:16] Speaker A: And if they've got their handbag, guys carry the handbag. Isn't that what they do in Korea? The guys carry their. And Korea in Japan, I think it is. The guys carry their girls.
[00:26:25] Speaker B: I don't think we need to limit it to certain countries.
[00:26:27] Speaker A: You can do it in Australia as well. I believe in you blokes.
[00:26:30] Speaker B: All right, a few more. I think one that I really, really like is having a cup of tea brought to me.
[00:26:38] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:26:39] Speaker B: You know, you don't even need to ask, you know, when your partner wants a cup of tea, if they've been at the computer for two hours, Trying to solve something, or they've sat down to read the paper and they couldn't be bothered turning the kettle on themselves. But you know, they like a cup of tea with the paper. That is me to a tea. You know, if you just walk over with that tea, it's just magic.
[00:26:59] Speaker A: Oh, did you want one?
[00:27:01] Speaker B: It's just magic. It's, it's a really lovely feeling.
[00:27:04] Speaker A: And this one's close to home. So if there's a pack of Tim Tams, always leave two Tim Tabs in the packet for your partner.
[00:27:13] Speaker B: Oh, my God. You do not do that.
[00:27:16] Speaker A: There is literally a pack of Tim Tams in the cupboard right now with two Tim Tams sitting there inside it. And, and it's been, it's almost been driving me crazy. I think I'm gonna crack because it's been there for a week.
[00:27:29] Speaker B: This is the first time you've ever left to.
[00:27:32] Speaker A: And I'm struggling, babe. I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm this close to cracking. But I'm building up my Browning.
[00:27:39] Speaker B: I'm gonna leave those there and we can do a check in as we go along this year.
[00:27:45] Speaker A: I don't want your moldy Tim Tabs.
[00:27:50] Speaker B: I like the idea of giving them the, the last cookie or the last piece of cake or even, you know, some of your food, which you might be salivating over and thinking, I don't really want to share this truffle burger, but they would really like a bite, so.
[00:28:07] Speaker A: Or chippies.
[00:28:08] Speaker B: Would you like a bite?
[00:28:09] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:09] Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
[00:28:11] Speaker A: Well, you know, often then eat mine. Yeah. For some reason, I always get less chippies on my plate than you when we're getting burger stuff and you know, when you're in, when you're feeling very lovey dovey towards me, I get extra chippies and then, then, you know, I can have some of yours. I do, you know, or like, for sometimes, you know, I cook for Kim a lot and, or if we order out, I love chili on my food. Kim's not a big chili person, so I take one for the team and I say, okay, no chili on this. So little things like that.
[00:28:42] Speaker B: I like the idea of offering to handle something for someone as well. So especially in this state where we're all feeling so pressed for time and energy, if you just say to, you know, your partner's got an errand that belongs to them. It lives in their category when you're dishing out our household chores and mental load and stuff. But maybe they're just like you said earlier, maybe they're just under the pump that day. And you say, I'm gonna do that for you. And not even a can I do that. I'm just gonna do it. I'm gonna get that done for you. Don't. You don't need to worry about it.
[00:29:13] Speaker A: It's attunement. So it's always two things. It's showing, I see you and I'm here to help you. I like the ones where it's as simple as, like, telling your partner that how amazing they are in front of your kids or going, hey, kids, how awesome is your mum?
[00:29:28] Speaker B: Oh, that is the sweetest. You know, or really tickles my view.
[00:29:31] Speaker A: And even, like. And then leveling up, like, do it in front of her family or your family or your friends, you know, couldn't have done this without Kim. Like, you know, Kim is just amazing. You know, it shows that level of support, shows that you're a team, shows that gratitude and appreciation and it's so simple to do.
[00:29:48] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that. Another one that I really enjoy is when you offer a walk and talk when we're stressed or even when we're a bit niggly with each other and you'll say, hey, babe, do you want to go for a walk in an hour?
[00:30:00] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:01] Speaker B: And. And we can just talk. And it. It's like an. You've seen the situation, you're frustrated as well, but you've taken. You've gone above and beyond your frustration to say, I want. I want to resolve this. I want to make an effort here. And that's really lovely.
[00:30:17] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think maybe a final one will be. And this is a good one for guys, let your partner vent at you and talk about something that's grinding the gears or frustrating them. It doesn't have to be about you, about the world, anything without interrupting, rolling your eyes, stonewalling, or. Or what we. A lot of guys do, even when they're trying to help or trying to do the right thing and actively listen and trying to fix things. Just listen and take it on board.
[00:30:45] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. And. And, you know, in that moment as well, I just up the ante a little bit on that. And it's just some.
It's called somatic holding. But what it's saying is just mirroring their body language to them. So if they're sitting towards you and they want to be face, then face them, Engage them in that space. Hold them while they're, you know how to hold someone. And I don't mean, like physically hold them, I mean emotionally hold them. Don't pick up your phone. Don't turn to the side. Be there with them. Maybe touch their hand while they're telling you this.
[00:31:17] Speaker A: Yeah. Or as I like to say, turn towards them. It's easy for guys.
[00:31:20] Speaker B: I love that one.
[00:31:21] Speaker A: Seismic. Somatic.
[00:31:22] Speaker B: Physically turn towards them.
[00:31:24] Speaker A: Yeah. All right. So you know, we've given you a dozen or so examples there, but for our email subscribers, you'll get the full list of 50 in your email next week. If you haven't subscribed to our email and you want to, it's free, it's easy. Just head to Kim Androgy.com to sign up.
[00:31:41] Speaker B: And remember, just out of today's show, you're not keeping score. Even though it's got the word points in it. It's about the idea behind brownie points or the feeling that we know as Aussies what a brownie point means. It's about building a connection in your relationship, building a better relationship. It's, it's, it's a simple term we use, but it actually describes a research based theory which, which is proven, which is that relationships thrive when you put that extra effort. When you go above and beyond with positive interactions over and over again, you build your love bank and your relationship does better.
[00:32:18] Speaker A: Yeah. And with all these things, the more you do it, the easier it gets and the more natural you get at it.
You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:32:30] Speaker B: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life, relationship, relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj. Com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:32:40] Speaker A: And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
[00:32:48] Speaker B: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
