Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Happy wife, longer life? Well, it's not quite the same, but it is true. We all know that being in a relationship feels good, but do you know it actually could help you live longer and stay healthier? Studies show that couples who are satisfied in their relationships experience lower stress, better mental health and even reduced risks of heart disease and other serious health issues. In today's episode, we'll dive into the science behind why happy couples are healthier, exploring how emotional support, lower stress and even working on fitness goals together can lead to a better health outcomes for.
[00:00:31] Speaker B: Both you and your partner.
[00:00:35] Speaker C: Hey, we're Kim and Rog and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:42] Speaker A: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should. We think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:51] Speaker C: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:01:00] Speaker A: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house flipping business, we've achieved some big dreams and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:08] Speaker C: Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:18] Speaker A: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfort in whatever tickles you, pickle and enjoy living the tame life.
[00:01:34] Speaker D: Today's topic is a interesting one because we are looking at the connection between relationships and health. And I don't know that this is a connection that people ordinarily make, that they think necessarily that, well, maybe on the surface level people do make it, but they don't think about the depth to which it goes. And we've gone away and done some research on how relationships, being in relationships affects your health because we know how much it impacts your health.
And the research is there, the Data is there, that being in a relationship is good for your health. It's good for your health on multiple levels. And that's what we're going to break out today because we thought it might be beneficial to you guys to hear about how being in a relationship, how being in a satisfying relationship and how being in a relationship where your partner is satisfied, how all these different levels impact your health at deeper and deeper layers. And I think that's a really exciting thing to be able to understand, to know that being in a relationship is actually going to make you a healthier person.
[00:02:56] Speaker B: Yeah, I think everyone's, you know, listening to the Hooverman podcast and, you know, they're doing the sunlight before screen light and their saunas and their ice baths. They're trying to biohack. They're trying to get healthier.
You know, we're always going on diets or we're trying to exercise more, but actually putting work into your relationship and having a relationship, having a happy relationship and having a very happy partner is actually going to pay you back in spades in terms of your longevity and your overall well being. So, yeah, Kim and I will be talking about a bit of research today, but one of the, one of the most well known facts about, I guess, health and relationships is that, and this has been proven through longitudinal studies again and again and again, is that married couples live longer as opposed to people who are single. And this, I guess, when you step back, this makes sense because as people get older, if you have someone to, I guess, take care of you and bounce off, and I, someone who, I guess, can, you know, really hold you as you get older and your health starts to deteriorate as it does pretty much downhill from about 30.
No matter how fit and how much diet and how much everything is, the more you are, you know, the older you get, the harder your body takes it.
But for those in long lasting relationships, and especially marriage, they're more likely to live longer. And it's quite significant. It's quite a few years longer, and this is actually more important for men. And I guess that makes sense, right? Because men can be a bit useless with their health, especially, I guess, the older generation, where a lot of these studies would have been based off.
[00:04:53] Speaker D: I mean, I don't know in terms of what the specifics of why it's more important for men were in the research. Do you know the answer to that?
[00:05:03] Speaker B: Pretty much exactly what I was saying.
[00:05:07] Speaker D: I wasn't sure if you were drawing a conclusion there. Men are quite useless.
[00:05:11] Speaker B: I am.
[00:05:12] Speaker D: I think the research actually showed that.
[00:05:14] Speaker B: Well, the research drew the conclusions that men are less likely to take care of themselves. They're less likely to go to the doctors, they're less likely to get elective surgeries. They put things off to the last minute. And when they've got someone looking after them or someone who can nudge them in the right direction, as often a good partner will, they're more likely to go get checked out, more likely to take care of themselves, or even just waking up in the morning, you're more likely to present yourself and take care of yourself with basic hygiene, etcetera, especially as you're aging, when you're showing up, even it's just for your partner.
[00:05:48] Speaker D: I think that's true of any age when you've got someone to show up.
[00:05:52] Speaker B: Not me in my twenties, but I definitely didn't hygiene stuff and show growing up wasn't my thing.
[00:06:02] Speaker D: Yeah, you got there in the end. You got there in the end. Yeah. It is an interesting one, though, isn't it, for men? And I wonder if subconsciously they partner at some level where the men partner to also take care of themselves.
[00:06:19] Speaker B: Yeah, well, I think they. Maybe it's just knowing your strengths and weaknesses. And I think especially in the older generation, a lot of Mendez, you know, are very focused on things outside the house and, you know, and that includes that, you know, and not being able to and just didn't look after themselves as the way, the way they should. And older men are more susceptible to things like respiratory disease and heart disease. And these, these studies do show that those are, those are key things that are being in a strong relationship or being married at least can help with.
[00:06:57] Speaker D: So you're talking about re partnering older men who re partner might re partner because so if they've divorced or they're a widower, for example, because they do feel like that's going to really help them in life to stay on top of their health.
[00:07:12] Speaker B: Well, you do see it a lot, especially, I guess, in the older generation who you do have someone. I remember your nan, you know, she re partnered it quite a lot. We went to a wedding when she was 80, didn't we?
[00:07:24] Speaker D: Yeah, I think maybe 83.
[00:07:26] Speaker B: 83. And we went to a wedding.
[00:07:30] Speaker D: Yeah. No, she did re partner, and that was an interesting one. And part of that was actually the gentleman she re partnered with.
His family and himself were looking for someone to. They were quite clear at that age, people were a bit more to the point and were looking for someone to support him and have a relationship, a reciprocal relationship, to support one another in taking care of each other. That's a good point. All right, so we know at the base level, bare minimum, that having a relationship, you're going to live longer.
Not everyone. These are data driven conclusions. And obviously, there's people who won't and people who will.
[00:08:15] Speaker B: There's a bell curve, babe. There's a bell curve.
[00:08:18] Speaker D: Okay. At the second level of health? What happens when we want to up the ante a little bit in terms of what can you give me in the relationship stakes to make me more healthy? We have research that tells us that couples who report higher relationship satisfaction tend to be healthier and live longer than those in less satisfying relationships. So if you are in a relationship that you're satisfied with, you will live longer and be a healthier person. So not just live longer, you will be a healthier person than those who are in less satisfying relationships. And obviously, you'll also be happier because you're in a satisfied relationship. So what are the factors in this? What is causing someone to be healthier and live longer when they're in a satisfying relationship? So this is a step up from just being a relationship. You're in a satisfying relationship in this research. This research tells us that there's four main factors that contribute to you being healthier and living longer as a result of being in a satisfying relationship. The first factor is you'll experience, on the whole, lower cortisol levels. Now, the happy couples experience lower cortisol levels, which is the hormone related to stress, logically, because they have one another and they're satisfied with each other. So their stress levels, even if they get raised, they return to a base state, a maintained state of homeostasis in their system, quite quickly and quite easily. And this reduced stress response is actually crucial in maintaining better overall health. It's fine to get stressed out, but what we don't want to do is stay at that elevated level. And so what the research told us in satisfying relationships was these couples were able to get stressed and then return quite quickly to that base level, that homeostasis that they want to be at. And that makes for, I mean, the knock on effects of not having chronic stress. You've all heard about inflammation, immune system impacts, all of those sorts of things start to come into play when our system is in that elevated stress level or a chronic state of stress.
[00:10:31] Speaker B: Well, that makes sense, right? Because a happy couple, a satisfied couple, are ones who share each other's stresses and support each other during stressful times. So you don't feel like you're alone, which can really, I guess, make that stress and that cortisol even worse. So if you feel like your partner's got your back, that you can come on, have a vent and they'll support you, you're more likely that that stress is more likely to, I guess, subside and the cortisol to dissipate in your system.
[00:10:56] Speaker D: I totally agree and I think also, you know, we were talking about radical generosity. I don't think that podcast has come out yet.
[00:11:02] Speaker B: Come out today, though.
[00:11:03] Speaker D: Awesome.
But that, that concept was certainly about, you know, that idea of going over and above for your partner and the payoff effect that has in your relationship. But even in a stressful situation, you can see how if you're in a state of, say, for example, prolonged stress because of work or whatever, if you're in a satisfied relationship and your partner's going above and beyond, they're showing you that radical generosity, you're going to be able to manage that, that particular situation and that prolonged stress in a much better way because you're going to feel seen, you're going to feel validated, you're going to know it's coming to an end. You're going to feel like you've got a safe space and a safe harbour.
[00:11:50] Speaker B: A safe harbour.
[00:11:51] Speaker D: Stressful time.
[00:11:51] Speaker B: It's like a safety net. It's like if I fall, you'll be there to catch me.
[00:11:55] Speaker D: Yeah, absolutely. So that's the first factor. The second factor that the satisfying relationships have an impact on which causes better health outcomes is better sleep. So satisfying relationship studies show that relationship, that these more satisfied relationships improve sleep quality.
While obviously if you're in a relationship with more conflict or dissatisfaction, this leads to a greater level of sleep disturbances. Sleep plays a critical role in overall health. It regulates your immune function, it improves memory, increases your ability to concentrate, it helps manage weight, all of these sorts of really critical parts of living a healthy life. Obviously if you're in a satisfied relationship, you're going to find yourself in a more relaxed state. When you go to go to bed at night, you're going to fall into a deeper sleep. You're not going to be disturbed by those worries niggling in the back of your mind because even if you have a stressful event going on at that time, you've got a safe harbour. So again, our bodies are looking to feel in the world like they're going to be okay. Even with threats out there. And when we have that partner and we're satisfied with them, we are going to feel like we're going to be okay and that's going to have that knock on effect in our system in terms of our nervous system and obviously in terms of sleep. The third factor that we're looking at is mental health benefits. So the American Psych Association, APA found that individuals in supportive, happy relationships have lower rates of depression and anxiety flat out, which is logical for the reasons I've just listed in terms of better sleep. And the fourth factor is less substance abuse and risky behaviour. This might sound like, well, that's way off the mark, you know, but the reality is substance abuse shows up in a lot of very generic situations.
This is not particular to necessarily someone who has had a deeply traumatic childhood or some of those precursors to substance abuse that we know are very clear factors, often in those in substance abuse. There are many people who end up in situations of substance abuse because they find the stress and the overwhelm of life too much and they look to this mechanism for coping with it. So what we're saying is, if you want to safeguard against that, the research tells us that having a satisfying relationship actually really is a safeguard against substance abuse and risky behaviour. So studies on attachment theory in particular have found that partners who feel securely attached, so that's that safe harbor, that satisfying relationship, are less likely to engage in destructive behaviours.
[00:14:39] Speaker B: So, so far, what we've established is that if you're married or in a long term relationship, you're going to live longer than if someone's who is single.
If you're in a happy, as in a satisfying relationship, you're going to live even longer than that.
But something that really surprised Kim and I when we were doing our research was actually the fact that a study published in psychological science found that participants with satisfied spouses live longer, even more so than those who simply were satisfied with their own lives. So what we're saying here is the highest correlation between a happy being happy in a relationship and longevity was actually the happiness of your spouse versus your own happiness. So when someone says happy wife, happy life, they literally mean happy wife, longer life.
[00:15:37] Speaker D: Oh, this is so good. This is so good, because this goes back to the ecosystem, the interdependence we've talked about. This is, this is about, you get what you give in life. So this is karma, this is whatever.
[00:15:55] Speaker B: You purpose as well. If your purpose, like my purpose in life, I've said so many times, is to make our little daughter and you smile, to make you happy, like, that is my purpose. And I feel where you have a purpose, like, you know, you are more likely to, I guess, you know, you are going to live longer that we know that.
[00:16:14] Speaker D: It's not just that, it's your purpose is to look after our daughter and I. And what comes back is the mirrored version of that you look after yourself. Do you know what I mean? It's such a cool thing. And it really is about that ecosystem we've spoken about where what you put out, the environment you nurture is then the environment you live in. So if you go out there and you water the plants, then you get to live in the beautiful garden. If you don't water the plants, then you're going to be living around weeds. So although weeds need water, too, but you know what I mean, right? You're going to be living in a.
[00:16:50] Speaker B: Crappy garden and you're not going to live very long.
[00:16:55] Speaker D: That's my ADHD brain was like, hang on a second, I see the garden.
[00:16:59] Speaker B: I think, bub, you were riding it hard and then you just, you felt you jumped off at the last moment.
[00:17:07] Speaker D: The point is that when you nurture your space, you live in a nurtured space. And that is the whole idea behind everything is interconnected, everything, including your relationship. And so when you give to your partner, the research tells us your partner is happier, obviously. And when your partner is happier and more satisfied, you will live longer because.
[00:17:33] Speaker B: You'Re creating the team environment, when you're putting in the effort, when you're putting in the work to put your partner first, to put your team first. Yeah, 100%. You're creating a strong ecosystem, a beautiful garden, and you get the health benefits out of that. You get, they call it stress buffering. And we spoke about it just a little bit earlier, how you're there as the safety net for your partner during stressful times. You can bounce stuff off each other, you can hold each other, you can be that safe harbor for each other when times get tough and, yeah, after 25, 30, and for some, even before things get really, really tough, especially as you get older, the hits just keep on coming and they can have really detrimental impacts to your longevity, your health, your mental health, your physical wellbeing. But when you've got someone in your life who you've constantly been there for, shown up for, and put in that work for, where you're going to get that back in spades in that team environment. That's literally why we do this podcast, to show people and show people the way on how to become a team. And now we've got evidence to show that being a team will actually make you live longer.
[00:18:41] Speaker D: You know, I'm having this thought as you're talking through this point, and I'm wondering if in a time of crisis or struggle, maybe not crisis, because that would be too severe and too difficult to manage it. But if in a time of challenge, let's use challenge, that's a lower level of stress. If in a time of challenge, your personal challenge. Right. So maybe you're frustrated with work or you're feeling like I'm not being the parent I thought I was going to be. I'm trying to escape all the time. Whatever it is, there's a challenge you have in yourself at the time.
I'm wondering if in a time of challenge, rather than focusing on yourself and how you can improve things for yourself, you focused on your partner and how you could better support them and improve things for them.
Whether your outcomes might be even better than if you just looked to yourself.
[00:19:39] Speaker B: Well, that's the team approach and that's having a purpose other than yourself. That's that.
[00:19:44] Speaker D: But that's a very high level, Reggie. That is a very high level of thinking to be able to say, I'm struggling to, I need to do more for me, but instead of focusing on me, I'm going to go outside of myself and I'm actually going to go all in on the team.
[00:20:02] Speaker B: That's boss level relationship.
[00:20:04] Speaker D: 100% agree. I love that that's possible. I'm curious what that would be like and I think I'm going to test it out in our relationship.
[00:20:13] Speaker B: Boom. I'm looking forward to it.
[00:20:14] Speaker D: Yeah. See if you notice it.
[00:20:17] Speaker B: So what we've established is that if you're married and or in a long term relationship and you're in a satisfying relationship, you're going to live longer than someone who isn't in a relationship or is in a relationship where most people are unsatisfied, really struggling. But if you want to live the longest and who doesn't, if you want to be the healthiest, then what really matters is how happy and how satisfied your partner is.
[00:20:45] Speaker D: It's so cool. It's such a cool evolution of the levels you can take it to if you really want to bring your health up. And the great thing is, it's selfish and selfless at the same time.
[00:20:57] Speaker B: You know what I mean?
[00:20:57] Speaker D: Like, who would know which you're being? Are you being selfish or are you being selfish?
[00:21:01] Speaker B: It's like a double dip. You know, when you get those two dips from the store, it's like a french onion dip in a hummus. And you can dip with your same biscuit.
[00:21:08] Speaker D: I love a dip. So that totally makes sense. And I've got one bonus thing for our listeners today, because this was a really cool little bit of data that we discovered, which was that couples who work together on health and fitness goals. So this is a more of a specific item. Couples who work together on health and fitness goals are more likely to succeed on those goals. And that that has two outcomes. One, it improves their health further. Obviously, they've succeeded on the goal they set themselves, which was a health and fitness goal. But two, it improves the relationship and it improves their sense of self efficacy. So you thrive mentally and emotionally because you've achieved an outcome, you've achieved something you set out to do, and that has knock on effects for self confidence and for your ability to go set in the future and self belief and all those sorts of things. So I'll just unpack this a little bit. So research indicates specifically that couples who support each other on fitness goals, like weight loss or a big event like us, we've got the half Ironman in two years that we are going to be supporting each other on the journey for, and we've already begun. Little baby steps that we're on our way are more likely to succeed. And 1000% I know that we're more likely to succeed because we're doing the half Ironman together. It's the mutual encouragement, it's the accountability. And what you create, again, it comes back to this environment, to this ecosystem you build. We are building our environment at the moment, you and I, for success in this space and because we both exist in it, by both working on that environment together, that environment is coming up to a whole other level. It's not just one of us with, you know, the protein drinks or the whatever in the fridge that you need to get through your training. I don't drink protein drinks. I don't know, powerade in the fridge. It's both of us. Oh, let's make sure the fridge is stocked with good, healthy food and lots of fuel for our body so that we can get through those training sessions and still have the energy afterwards. And so you bring each other up in that space. So couples who work together on health and fitness goals are more likely to.
[00:23:12] Speaker B: Succeed on these goals, which is fantastic, because when you want to make positive change in your life, it can often be difficult. But if you have a partner who's there to support you or even make the change with you, you're more likely to succeed.
[00:23:24] Speaker D: And I think we could extract, extrapolate that from our experience. You work on any goal with your partner, you're more likely to succeed.
[00:23:30] Speaker B: Yeah. All right, sweetie, so what was your goal nugget from today's episode?
[00:23:34] Speaker D: I mean, obviously that you're going to be selflessly helping me and supporting me to be my happiest, most satisfied self for no reason. Connected to yourself just because that's what you want to do.
[00:23:50] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:23:51] Speaker D: I as it is for your own health benefits, I'll never know.
[00:23:55] Speaker B: So as I said before, I've realized now that it's not just a happy wife, happy life, it's happy wife, longer life.
[00:24:08] Speaker A: You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:24:12] Speaker C: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:24:22] Speaker A: And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:24:30] Speaker C: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
