Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:02 When a couple gets engaged, the questions often asked of them include, why do you want to get married? Or, how did you know that they were the one? But is anyone actually asking? How do you both see the world? What are your dreams for the future? And what are you both willing to give up in order to achieve those dreams? Because these are the things that really matter when two people are committing to a life together. In today's show, we unpack why these questions are so important and how you can start discussing them with your partner today.
Speaker 2 00:00:32 Hey, we're Kim and Rod, and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
Speaker 1 00:00:39 We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should we think about the future as a field of possibilities, and we'll let joy be our compass.
Speaker 2 00:00:47 We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage, and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
Speaker 1 00:00:56 From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house ripping business, we've achieved some big dreams, and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've
Speaker 2 00:01:05 Ever had. Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts and tales from our own lives. As we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
Speaker 1 00:01:15 These are relationship conversations for real people buy real people. So sit back, get comfort from whatever tickles you pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
Speaker 2 00:01:31 Today we have on the agenda marriage, and specifically three things to discuss before you get married. I can't remember what it was that triggered us to have this conversation. I think we saw a wedding expo advert or something, and we started talking about the importance of marriage and what happens before you get married, and what conversations we had and what conversations we didn't have before we got married. And it really got us thinking about how much preparation people do for the life part of marriage. You know, the bit that comes after the wedding day. And I think, to be honest, it's probably a lot less than what they do for the actual wedding day.
Speaker 1 00:02:16 Yeah, a lot, lot of stress when it comes to a weddings. Um, and I think I've said in the, when we had our 10 year anniversary podcast, I said, a lot of people see the wedding is the pinnacle, but actually the, it's the start line. The, the hard work starts right there and then, so really today we're talking about some things that should be discussed before you get married. But that doesn't mean we're saying if you're not discussing 'em, don't get married. These are things to add to your toolkit. These are things that are gonna put you in really good stead. These are things that we wish that we knew and we were discussing 10 plus years ago. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, uh, um, you know, we feel very fortunate that we're still together today. We're doing better than ever and we use these all the time now. But man, um, I can only imagine where we'd be if we'd started talking about them 11 years ago when we first got engaged.
Speaker 2 00:03:06 I mean, we had, just quickly on this, we had a lovely celebrant, a very, very lovely lady, uh, who was a family friend who did to her credit, do some, um, I don't know what you call it, but, oh, pre counseling, pre-marriage counseling, I think is what she
Speaker 1 00:03:24 Called it. You're supposed to do it, but whether it gets done, we, we were almost a bit surprised. We were like, oh, we've gotta come in for, for a few hours and talk about this <laugh>. Yeah,
Speaker 2 00:03:34 We did recognize afterwards that it was a really nice thing to do. It wasn't going to the level that we're going to today at all, but it did sort of raise our consciousness that we hadn't really talked about some of the stuff that she was asking about. And her stuff was probably a little bit more directed at actually, uh, getting to know us and making sure that she embodied, uh, who we were for the wedding day. But it, but it did also sort of check in with us, you know, or cause us to check in with ourselves. Have we actually had some of these conversations? And I feel like when I reflect on that, we were so caught up in planning the wedding, that even though we had that moment of realization, we didn't, we didn't follow up on it. And I think that's something that I, just before we begin, is how stressful planning a wedding can be. And the earlier you make space for what we are gonna talk about today, the earlier you bring it into your life, the easier I think it will be because you haven't got that impending wedding getting close. Well, I mean, it's always getting close. Obviously that's how time works. But <laugh>, you haven't got that impeding impending wedding right. On your doorstep and, and it all being all consuming. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:04:44 Yeah. I think also it's, um, you know, you can use a hep a few analogies here, but it's very hard to improve a machine while it's running in a sporting context. It's very hard for a team to learn a new game plan midway through the season. And just like how we feel that life can often get away from us because life is busy, we never have, have enough time to do all the things we want. And often the most important things like business improvement, skills improvement, and in relationship, uh, couple improvement, relationship improvement gets put to the wayside where you're just dealing with the, the business as usual day-to-day of running the relationship. So I guess as a, as a starting point, what we're first saying is you actually gotta have these conversations. Yes. Yes. So we're, we're gonna talk through three key, uh, things you should be discussing and talking about before you get married, and then some hints and tips on how to have those discussions. But what we're gonna, uh, start with is saying you need to have these conversations now and regularly.
Speaker 2 00:05:43 Yeah. I just, I just wanna say quickly, and I know this is gonna sound funny, but it's not stuff you should be discussing cuz we don't really deal in shoulds. It's stuff that will be helpful to you if you choose to discuss it. The, there's no shame around whether you choose to go down that path or not. It's really up to you we're just saying that it could really help you.
Speaker 1 00:06:03 It could really help. It could really help. So I'll, I'll pull a bit back from should, but I wanna say, you know, if you wanna, uh, if you wanna hack your relationship, if you wanna level up your relationship Oh, level up. Level up. Let's, if you wanna level up your relationship, if you wanna bulletproof it. Okay. If you wanna futureproof it. Yep. Yep. Okay.
Speaker 2 00:06:20 <laugh>. All right. So yeah, first and foremost, we are saying let's start having the conversations. The most important thing is to start thinking about having these conversations. And we will, at the back end talk about, uh, some tips to help you get started. So some of the ways that you can start making sure you are having these conversations and building these into your life. But first and foremost, the importance of having conversations with your partner. Deeper level conversations that will build the safety and security of your relationship, which we talk a lot about here. It's fundamental to having a successful relationship. They will build the connection and understanding between you. And not only is that amazing for your future with your partner and all the rest of it, it's actually really gonna help you under those, in those stressful situations like planning a wedding, right? So it's gonna counter some of that stress because you are building that connection together, building that higher meaning together beyond just surviving the palava. That is a wedding and it's going to build purpose into your life. And, and something that you talk about that you mentioned to me was the way that you do these conversations is a really amazing opportunity for you to learn to rift and repair as
Speaker 1 00:07:39 Well. Yep. You know, I love rift and repair. It's like building a muscle, you know, it's all these thousands of tiny little tears within the muscle that will repair over time. And that's how, how you grow it. And it's the same in a relationship. And you know, I think if you can look at it from, uh, conversation lens is that, you know, these conversations can be quite difficult to have, uh, but they're going to come up at some point in your life, in your relationship mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And so why not head this off at the curve and actually go, okay, let's start having bite size chunks of these conversations that really matter in a very, um, I guess accessible way in an easy to have way. Where if you do have a bit of a, a friction, if you do, you are challenging each other. It's, uh, it's in a, I guess, a smaller microcosm of a situation versus a couple of years down the track where it's a big bust up. It's a cataclysm, it's a deal breaker cuz that will happen. But if you start having these little conversations now again, and again and again, you are more, you're gonna get better at it. And not only that is you're gonna get more comfortable having them and you will really be, I'm gonna say it again babe. Bulletproofing future proofing your ability to have these bigger conversations in the future.
Speaker 2 00:08:57 Yeah. So just by having the discussion, just by practicing having discussions together, you are actually going to be practicing some of those really, uh, key tools we talk about in a relationship in terms of communication, which are rift and repair. Right. And I, and, and teaching yourself and training yourself to understand that it is completely normal to have disagreements. It is completely normal to get upset and feel, feel like that person doesn't understand you. It's two of you trying to make it through the world. And, and that you can repair that it's not, it's not fatalistic. We've talked about this before in another show. Don't jump to the assumptions that the more we practice having disagreements or differences of opinion and coming back to the table because it's not the end of the world, the better we get at it.
Speaker 1 00:09:44 Yeah. And I think for, for, I'm gonna holler at my boys here, um, <laugh>, I, I sat here, I'm gonna holler at, did
Speaker 2 00:09:53 You wanna name the boys you're
Speaker 1 00:09:54 Hollering at? No, I, okay. I meant men in general. Oh, okay. Um, not, not specific friends. You know, shout out if istic, uh, I'm gonna holler out the, the men out there and research tells us that actually 80% of issues in relationships are brought up by women. And I'm gonna just tell the boys, wait, hang on a second. That's not just cuz women love to complain. This is because men don't bring stuff up and don't <laugh> and don't take accountability. Um, and don't, and and shy away from some of the, the big conversations. And not only that is actually 70% of divorces are enacted by women. And again, you know, we always believe in 50 50 if you are going into
Speaker 2 00:10:32 The partnership that's 70%,
Speaker 1 00:10:33 70%. And that, that's, well that's interesting. That's pretty true. Um, you know, through different, uh, you know, through different nationalities, um, in different places, they've done the research before as well. So, uh, what I'm saying to the guys out there is that if you want to bulletproof your marriage and your relationship going forward, get used to having these little conversations. Because generally it is hard for men to have the big conversations about what really matters. And when I'm talking generally here, it's something that I've had to really work on and grow into over time. Um, but the more you do it, the better you'll get and, um, you know, take accountability of, of the relationship. Because I, I love this quote from Scott Galloway. He says that, you know, your, your relationship's the biggest investment you ever make in your life. Cuz you're pretty much betting 50% of all your assets on it. And it might be a bit of a just be brutal. It, it's, it's a brutal way. But for some people, if you really want, you know, think about it, uh, I think it's a good way to sort of understand it through a different, a different lens that your relationship is an investment. And if you don't put work into it, if you're not constantly looking at your, your love portfolio, then you know you're gonna end up, you're gonna end up poor broke. I'm really, I'm really leaning hard on the analogies today already, aren't I <laugh>,
Speaker 2 00:11:48 I mean, they're not doing it for me, but I don't know, I can't speak for men. Maybe there's some, some blokes out there finding them relatable, <laugh>. Um, but I appreciate different perspective, different ways of approaching these things. So anyway, let's move on from that. What I think we've made it pretty clear that we believe in the importance of talking, of really opening up communication. And it's, it's, it's, you know, it's one of the foundations of what we do here, which is to have conversations that aren't necessarily easy to have. And it's to model having these conversations as well, because we want people to see that talking with your partner, talking about your relationship is not scary. It's not the worst thing in the world. In fact, it's a really, really amazing way of developing your relationship
Speaker 1 00:12:33 And bonding
Speaker 2 00:12:33 And bonding, connecting all of those things. So moving on from there, the three things to talk about before you get married. So if we could just tell people three, three areas to cover in these conversations. These are our absolute best three areas that we would expect or hope people would put their energy and time into. The first one is talk about the way you both see the world, discuss all the things <laugh> so that you understand your partner's beliefs, what's important to them, what lights them up. You want to understand the world through their eyes.
Speaker 1 00:13:14 Yeah. You're, you're really talking about values here, aren't you?
Speaker 2 00:13:17 We're talking about values. We are, we're talking about belief systems and these, the values and belief systems. These things relate to our family life, our work life, our business choices, how we wanna have fun, how we wanna play, how we show up romantically, how we show up as a partner. All of these things are really important parts of life that can cause a lot of friction if we don't understand one another's value set around them and don't form a relationship value set around them.
Speaker 1 00:13:50 Yeah, I, I often, um, uh, see values are really the, the framework to your life cuz they give you the boundaries of which it's okay for you to operate in. Yeah. The way you go about it needs to be core to you, you know, whether it be trustworthy, whether your values are around the time you spend with your children, whether your values about where you want to live and how you want to spend your life.
Speaker 2 00:14:14 Yeah. And it's asking questions like, what would a family in the future look like to you? You know, how do they imagine what a family is? And people have lots of different ideas around that. They might say, oh, my family in the future is going to have two dogs and the tourists. Well that's might be quite different from what the partner's imagining. You know, what sort of work life do you imagine we are going to have in the future? What's that going to look like for you? What, what do you imagine around work home life balance? How would, how are, how are those things, how are those things set in terms of priorities in your mind? So really having those conversations around any, any of the really key areas of life. Do you value community service? Will giving back be something that's important for you? What might that look like? It's starting to paint a picture of how these values also will play, play out in life. So you can really start to visualize, the more we can visualize, the more we can sort of understand things. What what is really important to your partner. And that's going to set the foundation for how you are going to join together and, and set your values.
Speaker 1 00:15:28 Yeah. And I, I think a great example of what we've had in the past is one of your values is actually living in a small, uh, community near nature. And, uh, I'm fully aligned with that value as well. And we talked about it a lot and that's different to, oh, where are we just going to live? And that was great because it also enabled us when we wanted to move to Japan, uh, it wasn't, oh, we wanna move to Tokyo in a big city cause we wanna experience the world. It was like, no, we want to go live in a snow forest and ski every day. But then when we came home, it also shaped how we went about it.
Speaker 2 00:16:02 Yeah. It, I mean, if I break it down, it was kind of like, I value being connected to community and I really, uh, value being connected to nature. So those things led us to Japan because I knew having spent time, obviously living in a, in a, um, rural part of wa as a kid, I knew that living in smaller communities created and fostered an environment more for, uh, a community-based approach. You weren't so much, you know, living in silos and maybe not knowing the name of your neighbors. Everybody knew one another. You went to Charlie Carter's and you bumped into all the people that you were at school with and the people that lived down the road from you and everyone helped each other out and dropped off mail and did whatever else. Right. So that for me was something that being part of a community was really like something I took outta my childhood as, as deeply ingrained.
Speaker 2 00:16:59 And I have always said as an adult, that's what I wanted when I had my own children. And then another part was obviously being in nature again, you know, growing up in that rural space, it just, it's, it's just like in my soul, it's, it's what I know makes me feel, you know, people say, what lights you up? Well, what lights me up is feeling calm, <laugh> in nature, <laugh>. Um, so yeah, I knew those things. And when we moved to Japan, we were ticking, uh, ticking both of those boxes and hitting on both of those values. And, uh, we've kept those values when we came home. They just look a little bit different how we're meeting them now.
Speaker 1 00:17:36 Yeah. So when we came home, we came home from our, um, our snowy ski life in Japan because our daughter needed additional support after her diagnosis of autism. Uh, so we had to go to a city that was larger. Like, and I know Perth Perth's BoomTown, but it's not, it's not the big smoke, uh, but how our values helped us when we were looking to buy a house was we went to look for a house with a, on a big block with a small cottage on it, what we could afford in a nice suburb versus a small block with a big spanking new house on it. Like we've got old creek and floorboards, we still need to renovate our bathroom. We've got a little bit of a way to go. But we love our block because it's got beautiful trees on it. It's got a massive backyard. We're surrounded by nature and we're in a great suburb. But that's an example of how our values really helped our decision making going forward. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:18:26 It hit the nature like we got nature. Yeah. Because we have a lot of trees out the back and it does feel like we're more connected to nature and we also have a lot of, uh, nature around us that you can, you know, shared amenity. And in terms of, you know, the community side of it, we, we were not gonna be able to live in a small community because they don't offer the same level of service support that we need for our daughter, but we, uh, able to live in a community where, does this sound a bit funny, but the vibe is similar to the way we sort of approach life? Yeah. You know, it, it makes you feel like you belong in, in like, it feels, it feels like it's aligned with who we are as people. And you know, you can tell that sort of thing by going to the local parks or going to walk the dog and, and the engagement you get with your community that is also part of being a community and whether you feel like you belong in that community and, and we do here.
Speaker 2 00:19:19 So I guess you hit on both of those things. Um, so that's sort of how those values can be super important in guiding you. And the other benefit I think to having these conversations around your values and the way you see your world, if you wanna think about it, sort of like, um, if you wanna be able to visualize that a bit more, like how you both see the world, how you see life, what's important to you when you have these conversations, you might realize that people are often at different stages of self-awareness. So like when we started having, when we got married, sorry, we, I was probably a little bit further on the journey in terms of getting to know myself. I had started that journey after my epilepsy diagnosis had really forced me to start to spend a bit more time getting to know myself and working this stuff out.
Speaker 2 00:20:08 But instead of, so instead of me saying, you know, like having to feeling like I I wanted you to hurry up and get to the place I was at by having these conversations, we progressively grew together and we grew towards each other in terms of our own self-awareness and where we were at. So, you know, people will say quite often, oh, my partner just doesn't get it. Or he's not that way inclined. I wish he'd just sort his stuff out, or she'd just sort her stuff out and, you know, get on the same page with me. You have to support your partner through that journey. That's your job. If your partner's not where you, where you would wish they were in terms of emotional sharing or development, you need to help them. You need to create a space where it's safe for them to grow with you. You are their best support on this earth. And I think when we started having these conversations, we certainly grew together in this space of self-awareness and, and self-development. And, and now I would say we're very much in the same place because of years of working together on this and, and focusing on, I guess, uh, supporting one another in that space.
Speaker 1 00:21:19 Yeah, and I think that's a great point because there is a good chance that if you're just about to get married, um, you're in that sort of, uh, zone of life that you, the two of you probably are at different stages of self-awareness, of understanding who you really are. And I think also that's true because there's still many people after a decade of manage who are still, um, misaligned of where they believe they are themselves. And then of course, if you don't understand yourself, how can you understand what you want out of a relationship and then want out of life? So again, coming back to the fact that having these smaller conversations again and again, you can really start to supercharge that person who might be a little bit behind that you're giving them access to, I guess, uh, forum, to, to start to look at themselves, to start to bring that, that'll give them confidence to start to look at the relationship and what they know and what they can understand and what the, the two of you can do together in the future.
Speaker 2 00:22:19 I love that supercharge.
Speaker 1 00:22:21 So yeah, we're talking about dreams next. So we've just defined why it's important to understand how you both see the world, which is
Speaker 2 00:22:27 So number one, talking about how you both see the world.
Speaker 1 00:22:30 Yep. Number two is talking about your dream. So I, I always use the analogy that it's, it's very hard to hit a target that you're not aiming at. So you know, that's really just saying you have one life and it's a pretty big risk to take. It's a pretty big assumption to make that you will achieve what you want at the different stages in your life without actually defining and understanding what it is you do want. So, uh,
Speaker 2 00:22:54 It's crazy, isn't it, <laugh>, when we look back and think about when we didn't define it, like what I, I honestly wonder like where were we heading in our minds?
Speaker 1 00:23:04 And only that I, in a relationship and, and in life, your in people are constantly growing and some people grow faster than others. And definitely when you've got a, a, a purpose, a goal, an outcome, you are, you are more likely to grow because you are very focused in what you are trying to achieve. If you haven't made a goal together, if you haven't dreamt together, said this is what we want out of life and this is how we're gonna get there. If you're not growing together, you're growing apart. Mm. And so without having that common dream, without dreaming together, without talking about your dreams, without talking about them day to day and reassessing them, you know, every six to 12 months you will start to slowly, slowly but surely over time, become separated from your partner ideologically.
Speaker 2 00:23:50 Well, that's why I think Gottman talks about, and his research shows the importance of shared purpose in a relationship. That it's one of the key indicators for a successful relationship is having purpose in the relationship. That's how important it is.
Speaker 1 00:24:08 You need to be able to get buy-in from both of you to that purpose as well. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So that purpose is so important, that dream is so important, but you both have to believe in it unless you're talking about it. Frequently you find what happens is you generally sort of gravitate to maybe what society is telling you, you should dream about what your friends might have as their dreams. Oh, I wanna run a a cafe, or I wanna what
Speaker 2 00:24:31 Your, what your family are telling you to
Speaker 1 00:24:33 Dream, what your a hundred percent what your family, what you grew up thinking. This is what you should be dreaming about. This is what you should be achieving. And so when you've constantly got society, your family, your peers telling you what they're dreaming about or where to go, you know, it can be very hard. There's a lot of noise to block out. But if you are having that conversation with your partner again and again and again, that's when you can start to define your own dreams and your own definitions of success.
Speaker 2 00:24:58 Yeah, absolutely. So thinking about dreams can be probably a little bit abstract for some people, you know, like, where do I start if I don't normally have conversations about dreaming? And some of the hints we would give people are to think about things like, what impact do I want to have in the world? Do I dream of changing something in the world or being part of a change of something in the world? Do I dream of leaving some sort of legacy, some mark on the world? And I'm not saying that you have to be the most famous, the most, the the best at something. That's the, that's the really like, obvious mark of a legacy. But the truth is, each individual has capacity to leave an incredible legacy. Whether the world knows it or not. Do you, do you want to be known for kindness?
Speaker 2 00:25:54 What a legacy to have left that you were a kind human being that you touched others with kindness. These are the sorts of things that you need to be talking about, you know, and how you are. How does the dream look? If if the legacy is kindness, what does it look like? And, and a great way to work out what your dreams are is to do a, a visualization exercise, which we love doing these. We don't do them all the time. These are quite, uh, spaced apart because otherwise they probably get a little bit overwhelming, but they're super impactful. So we sit down and ask ourselves, in three years time, in five years time, we wake up, what does the day look like on a dream day? And we walk through that day in our minds together so the person answering will walk through, where are they making up, what bed are they in, what house are they in? What part of the country are they in? What are they looking at outside? You know, what, what's happening? What are the, what are the senses getting fed, the sounds, the smells, all of it? What does that dream life look like in all its little pieces? And that really starts to paint a picture for you about what your dreams are.
Speaker 1 00:27:15 Yeah. And it's funny because you'd think, oh, I know what it'll be like. It'll be, um, sipping cocktails in The Bahamas. Um, and you're actually find that no, if you sit and do this exercise often it's about, oh well yeah, we want to be, um, financially secure. I wanna make sure I've just dropped the kids off at sport and I had the time to go and watch it, enjoy it, and then, uh, spend the time with my wife and my friends having lunch. We pick the kids up, we go have fish and chips and spend time together as a family. And we are planning a trip away at some point. It's so funny because all of a sudden you really do start to realize it's the, the things that really matter often are the time you get and the relationships you have with your family, with your friends, uh, specifically, especially with your partner.
Speaker 2 00:28:03 Yeah. I mean, we dream of owning a rural block at some point. Yeah. So we can have that rural life that we had had sort of, we've always held dear to us and we talk about going to the local bakery <laugh>, you know, smelling the fresh cross ons, our daughter eating one of the cross ons.
Speaker 1 00:28:21 I do dream of pies, <laugh>,
Speaker 2 00:28:25 I mean Yep. Get into the detail. Yeah. It is important. Uh, but the, the, you know, those, the sensory feedback of that is amazing. And it, it does let you say really help you to see what are your, what are your actual dreams? What is actually important to you? What's gonna light you up in life if you, if you achieve that, if you get to that dream. Uh, so, so yeah, that's a really funny exercise and, and one we highly recommend if you are wanting to practice dreaming together. Alright, we're now onto number three. And the third thing that we would encourage couples to talk about before they walk down the aisle is to talk about what they're willing to give up in the relationship.
Speaker 1 00:29:11 So in life, we've only got a certain amount of time to do everything we want to do. So we are going to have to give things up if we really want to achieve the things we want to do. And this is the concept from Brian Tracy, who's one of the founding fathers of motivational goals. This is before Tony Robbins and he talked about eating the, eating the big frog first. That was about always focusing on your, your number one goal. But one of his other lessons was you gotta understand what you are saying no to. And that's almost as important, if not as important as what you say yes to.
Speaker 2 00:29:45 That's what Mark mounts talks about, right? The failing, like what are you willing to fail at? Understand that chasing down dreams and goals, which we talk about all the time, comes at a cost. You cannot do everything in life.
Speaker 1 00:29:59 No. At some point you're going to miss out on doing things instead of having that 2020 hindsight, that vision of regret take control of what you are deciding Yes. Not to do. Being decisive is a very, uh, a very underrated and a very powerful tool on what I'm deciding not to do. So I can focus on what I really want to do.
Speaker 2 00:30:23 So what what you're saying is it's two-sided. Once one, you get, you get really clear on what you are willing to give up. So there's an agreement there. There's like something really, um, deliberate and literal there that you can, that you can bed down and say, that's it. I'm going to, we, we've agreed we're going to give this up. And then on top of that, the inverse of doing that. So the first part is that you're on the same page with the person, right? And, you know, front end, you're not gonna look back and say, oh, why did we miss out? Because we agreed we were going to let go of that. And the second part is when you work out what you're willing to give up, it is actually empowering you to go really strongly after what you want. So you, for example, you know, the, the classic one that people talk about is the size of your house.
Speaker 2 00:31:13 For example, I'm willing to have a smaller house if I get a bigger backyard. Okay, now I can look for smaller houses and I'm not gonna be thinking the whole time, oh, I just really, you know, I really wish I had a bit more space. Uhuh, I've worked that out. I was willing to give that up and I've made that, we've made that agreement. And so as a couple, you can be strong in your conviction of the decisions you're making rather than spending time, which is what you're talking about, living in, in no man's land, the indecisive land, which is a time waster and an energy waster because you've made that agreement and you can remind each other of that. You know what, we agreed not to have that. We've agreed not to have that so that we can have this. And it's, I think it's a super empowering tool.
Speaker 1 00:31:56 Yeah. Everyone goes through it. Um, generally if they want to go, uh, take out a mortgage to buy somewhere, they need to understand what the size of their mortgage they're gonna take out is. And if they're gonna put themselves under an increasing amount of mortgage stress. And once they do that, okay, we're gonna, we're gonna borrow to our max, we're gonna be under huge mortgage stress perhaps, um, to go buy a place that we want in the suburb we want with the five bedrooms, five en suites, you know, a little backyard. And it's gotta be, you know, close to brand new. While they perhaps aren't thinking, well, what am I willing to give up? Conversely, in terms of, okay, well to that means I can't move to a more flexible job. Maybe I need to continue climbing the corporate ladder. Uh, both of us will have to work full-time, which means we have to get childcare in, which means we have to spend less time together.
Speaker 1 00:32:49 Um, we have less, uh, disposable income to, uh, you know, maybe go on holidays or to um, you know, uh, get help around the house so we can do other things like that. So there's some key decisions that you will need to make as a couple going forward, that if you're not talking about now at a smaller level of what you can say yes to, and more importantly what you can say no to, uh, you might make the wrong decision. And once you're locked in, it's even harder to then go, okay, well let's downgrade our house because we're under too much mortgage pressure. Yes, we've seen some friends do it, and I sit there and go, wow. So empowering. But society will often will often go, oh, that's a bit embarrassing, isn't it? And so, you know, you know, you really, again, if you've got your values in order, that shouldn't matter, but those things do happen in your life.
Speaker 2 00:33:35 Absolutely. I, I think, oh, I mean, what you say about what society says just comes back to what we were saying at the beginning, which is society will dictate all sorts of ideas around what your dream life could be or should be. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters outside of your relationship. At the end of the day, what you guys decide matters. What you guys are willing to give up. That's, that's the most important thing because that's what's aligned to you. That's what's gonna connect with your soul. That's what's gonna keep you guys connected and on the same page and committed to the relationship and committed to the future. You know, maybe you say, I really want my kids to live in the hills. I want them to, to be free to run around outside in nature to see bush everywhere they look. I want them to have that smell of bush when they wake up in the morning.
Speaker 2 00:34:24 And to do that, it means I'm gonna give up an hour and a half of my time every day with them because I have to drive back and forth to work. But I'm willing to give that time up with them because it's, I value even more their, their upbringing in nature. That's an even higher value for me. So I'm willing to give that up. And then you don't crucify yourself every day for taking an hour and a half. Instead you go, yeah, my kids are living the life I want for them. And that is absolutely amazing. You're
Speaker 1 00:34:54 Training your brain to really understand hundred percent that there's a cost to everything and that to, to say yes to something, you happen to say no to something else. Yes. Just like if you want to be the, the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, well you're gonna have to give up a lot. It's just as simple as that. You might have to give up a couple of marriages, you might have to give up time with your kids. You might have to give up your actual health of your body and your wellness because to be at the pinnacle of something, you are generally up against other people who have been willing to give up the same or more understanding what you want to be able to give up, what you want to fail up, what you want to say no to, will then put you in a greater spot to focus on your goals going forward. And once you, you understand what your values are in life and you're clear on your dreams, that decision becomes a lot easier. Yes. I want to see my kids play sport on a Saturday morning, on the weekend instead of going into the office to see a client. Yes, I want to be able to go to, um, come home at six o'clock to put my three year old down before they go to bed.
Speaker 2 00:35:55 You can just see how that reduces friction in a relationship and creates connection because you're on the same page. Right? That's what we're talking about. You're getting clearer about what page you're on and you're both backing each other. You know, you and I always talk about having a person in your corner back, someone, someone who's got your back. And that's what these sorts of conversations do. They build that person in your corner, they build someone who's got your back, that shared understanding of the life that you want together and, and how you're gonna go after that.
Speaker 1 00:36:23 Yeah. So I, I think, sorry, I I was just going to say that also, you know, you're talking about, you know, being on the same page and again, coming back to if you're not having these little conversations, life gets away from you and one day you look up and not only you're on the, not on the same page, you're not even reading from the same book. So we're saying get get in front of it now.
Speaker 2 00:36:41 Absolutely. Alright, so just some practical tips, uh, obviously those three areas to talk about that we say, look, if you can't talk about anything else, cover these and you will be infinitely more prepared and in infinitely better position for your relationship when you head down the aisle. Uh, and, and to have these conversations obviously is there's a bit of a how to, you know, how do we start having these conversations? And we've talked about how to have, uh, difficult conversations before. Basically it's, it's pretty simple things like firstly creating the space for it, creating even the physical space for it. Making sure you pick a good physical space and location for you to have these conversations at a time that works for both of you so that they are a priority and they're not met with a lot of other friction, uh, managing expectations before you even begin the conversations.
Speaker 2 00:37:36 So understanding that when we talk about these big issues, Roger and I go in knowing, you know what, this is gonna probably bring some heat, this conversation, and that's okay. That's okay. You know, w we love each other. It's okay for us to disagree even after a really hectic argument. We will say to each other, I love you, I love you. We know that it's there. It's just a disagreement. So it's not a big deal. And you are managing the expectations that things will not always be perfect in the conversation. And, and showing compassion to your partner and showing compassion to yourself when that shows
Speaker 1 00:38:10 Up. Yeah. So when you're going into the conversation, I guess another point is, is don't be so adversarial. It's not me versus you. It's not you versus them. It's us versus the world. We're on the same team. Yes. We're coming at this where we've got the same goal we want, might not want exactly the same outcome on the specific scenario, but the main outcome is you and I work as a team to achieve whatever that outcome we do agree on is.
Speaker 2 00:38:36 Yes. I love that. It, you know, it, you are the unit that you, that you create and you, you wanna be part of a team. Trust me, there's nothing that feels better than knowing that someone is 100% in your corner and
Speaker 1 00:38:51 That at a pure form. That's why you're getting married in the first place.
Speaker 2 00:38:54 I hope so. Yeah. <laugh> <laugh>. I hope that's what it is. I mean, that, that is it, right? It's, it's to have someone always in your corner and you know, the other part of that is to live an incredible life together. Yeah. And that's where all the dreaming and the planning comes in.
Speaker 1 00:39:10 Yeah. We're coming, we're coming together to rock out and do the best we can for ourselves in the world.
Speaker 2 00:39:16 Yeah. And when things aren't great, you know what? We've got someone who's gonna, who's gonna keep us going, who's gonna lift us up and, and help us get
Speaker 1 00:39:23 Through. I've got someone who's got my back no matter what. So when I stumble, I fall, life gets real. They're behind me and I'm there for them in the same way.
Speaker 2 00:39:31 So last little practical tip on how to start having these conversations is, uh, to schedule them and we suggest scheduling them with a habit stack. Uh, a big proponent of James Clear, I've talked about him before. And when we look at creating a new habit, it can be much easier when we habit stack it with a habit we already have that we enjoy. Uh, so that might be, you might have a dinner date planned that you go to, I don't know, once a fortnight, maybe you get the babysitter in actually habit stack that with the conversations. Uh, if you've got children, you get the babysitter in. If you don't, obviously you don't <laugh>, but habit stack the conversations with, um, a habit that you already have that you really enjoy because then you're going to look for, your brain is already wired to look forward to the habits that you already enjoy. And so you will start to associate that with the, with the new habit and you will be more committed to fulfilling that new habit and making it a habit of its own. So habits stack them and make sure they're in the schedule. And the last one,
Speaker 1 00:40:30 The last one I'd say is start now. And you know, it's a lot easier when you start. Now if you start, you know, when you get engaged before you get married or even down the track, just start now. If you'll listen to this podcast and you've been married for 10 years, like us 20 years or whatever, do you know what the best time to start was before you got married? The next best time is to start right now.
Speaker 2 00:40:52 A hundred
Speaker 1 00:40:53 Percent. A hundred percent. So, uh, sweetie, that's our show for the day. What was the golden nugget you took out of it?
Speaker 2 00:40:58 Oh, I always have to go first on
Speaker 1 00:41:00 This <laugh>. Yeah. Cause I'm the one who remembers to say the gold nugget.
Speaker 2 00:41:03 I need a moment to
Speaker 1 00:41:04 Think about it. Okay. I'll do my gold nugget your goal, because I think I said it about 30 times during the show, but that's okay. I do bang on a bit. Um, mine is that these are small conversations in bite size chunks to make them more palatable. So be brave and be the one who starts to instigate them. But as you said, make sure you provide the space to do it, because you might not be at the same stage of your self-awareness of who you are. But if you can go in for a small conversation, create the space, you might be able to bring your partner along and help them along in a supportive way as opposed to start throwing at. Or why won't you just grow up? Why are we never on the same page at them when things start to get real and things blow up?
Speaker 2 00:41:49 Uh, I think my nugget for today was understanding that when we know what we're willing to give up, it is actually empowering. I think it's just such a cool flip of something that people will most naturally feel like it's depriving them of something or have some like negative associated feelings. And actually, when you see that deciding what you're going to give up is super empowering, you can really start to flip the switch on those emotions and those feelings and, and it's, it's just a really lovely way to live life.
Speaker 1 00:42:24 You are amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship,
Speaker 2 00:42:28 Feel like you're on a role. If you want more living, the team life, relationship, insights and conversations, head over to kim and rod.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship
Speaker 1 00:42:38 Goodies. And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
Speaker 2 00:42:46 Until next time, keep on living the team life.
