Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Apologizing is more than just saying sorry. It's about genuinely understanding and addressing the hurt you've caused. It can build trust, enhance emotional intimacy and foster forgiveness, ultimately strengthening your relationship. However, many of us find apologising daunting due to vulnerability, ego and the fear of rejection. In this episode, we'll break down three critical steps to crafting a better apology. We'll also discuss some common pitfalls to avoid and what to do when apologies are not admittedly accepted.
[00:00:35] Speaker B: Hey, we're Kim and Rog and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:42] Speaker A: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should, we think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:51] Speaker B: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:01:00] Speaker A: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house flipping business, we've achieved some big dreams and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:08] Speaker B: Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:18] Speaker A: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfort in whatever tickles you, pickle and enjoy living the team life.
Kim and I have spoken before about the relationship cycle, how all relationships at any one point will be in a state of harmony. Disharmony and repair. And of course, harmony is where you want to be.
But of course, repair is the process of addressing disharmony, resolving conflicts and restoring the connection.
And what's fundamental to repair an apology. And the truth is, many of us are no good at them. The Gottman's actually found that couples who effectively apologise and repair tend to have longer, stronger, more resilient relationships.
[00:02:13] Speaker B: This is a good one. We had a repair this morning. Someone tried to rush their repair, told me we were in a state of harmony, and I said, no, my friend, we are still in a state of repair.
[00:02:25] Speaker A: I can't remember if. I don't think my apology was very good.
[00:02:28] Speaker B: And I think that's probably why your apology was inadequate. Yeah, was inadequate.
[00:02:34] Speaker A: I feel I'm an expert on apologies, having given many, many over the last 22 years of our relationship, and that's what we're diving into today. But still, I think sometimes for me, even though I know what to say not to do, I can rush through them. And I don't give Kim what she needs out of the apology to make the successful repair. And so that was part of it.
[00:02:58] Speaker B: The actual truth was you gave me a little bit of blame along with an apology.
[00:03:03] Speaker A: And sometimes I try to add a bit too much humor into my apology.
[00:03:09] Speaker B: Humor? Humour, yes.
Anyway, you were very gracious, you made a good joke and we moved into the repair state pretty quickly. So with that in mind, this is a really interesting topic because I don't know that people actually talk about how to apologise very much.
It can be a difficult one for people who have grown up in a home where apology might not have been the standard, and for a lot of people it's not the standard. Apologising is difficult. To apologize, you have to acknowledge that you've done something that might have hurt someone or might not be, might have. Might not have been a kind act. And that's. That takes a strength in yourself. It takes a strength in yourself to say that doesn't define me as a person, but my behaviour was unacceptable and I'm going to make amends for it. And I think that's really, really critical, understanding that difference, that an apology is not about saying I'm a bad person, I'm going to say sorry for it. It's about saying my actions were unacceptable or not to the standard I would want them to be, or I've hurt you. I can see your feelings at whatever it is, taking responsibility for that behaviour and saying, I want to make amends for that. I want you to feel better. So why do we apologise? Let's talk about the purpose of an apology. There are a few reasons that we apologise and why apologies are so powerful and important. And the first is obviously around the trust side of things. Often when someone does something that hurts us or our expectations potentially haven't been met in a way that we, in terms of their behaviour standards, we breach the trust in the relationship just a little bit. And over time, if we do that more and more, we have the potential to really erode the trust in the relationship. So when we apologize, we restore the trust because we acknowledge what we've done, we are able to say, I see what I did, and the fact that I did it is not okay. And that tells the partner that you can trust me. I am going to make mistakes, but I'm also going to notice and learn and grow from them. And that brings us to taking responsibility. So one of the big reasons we apologize is to take responsibility because that drives your personal growth. You're not only telling the person you're going to grow when you take responsibility, you are actually growing in that very situation. By apologizing to someone and taking responsibility, it's about levelling up. I want to be a better person than I was right here in this moment. And that is really powerful in the relationship. Another thing that apologizing does is it fosters a environment in the relationship of forgiveness. This is important because you are going to come up against so many ups and downs, trials and tribulations as you go through a long relationship.
Without a shadow of a doubt, you are both going to need to apologize many, many, many times. And if you have an environment of forgiveness, then you are able to more easily move past the challenges of life within your relationship. And that's where you want to be. You want to be a smooth, moving unit. Yes, you're going to go through ups and downs. Yes, you're going to need to apologize. Yes, you're going to be hurt. But that's okay because you've established an environment of forgiveness and an environment of moving forward. And that is a really lovely place to be.
And one other thing that comes from apologizing that is really powerful is it builds resilience. When you've really gone through that repair state and you've managed to demonstrate to one another that you can repair, you build this sense of we can overcome anything. And that's what resilience really is. It's a knowing that you can overcome things. It's a belief in yourself. And so when other things come your way, you don't doubt how you're going to manage them. You don't sit in a state of paralyzed fear. You get on with it because you are resilient. You know that moving forward is the only way forward out of a situation. And when you practice apologies, you are saying that we move forward. You are teaching the relationship and the partners in it. That's, that is your mo, that's your behavior in the relationship. And so you have that expectation in the future, and that really promotes resilience in the relationship.
[00:07:38] Speaker A: So there seems to be a lot of power in apologies. They seem to really impact the relationship positively. Then why are they so hard? Well, according to Brene Brown, vulnerability is at the heart of human connection, and it's also at the heart of an apology. But of course, vulnerability makes us feel exposed and uncertain, so it's very hard to choose to be vulnerable, making it very hard to choose to apologize. Ego and pride's also a very big thing, as Terry Real explains that admitting wrongdoing can be challenging because it actually threatens our self image and our pride. I if I apologize, that means I'm wrong, which means I'm weak or flawed or I'm not the person that I want to be and I have to accept that and I have to face that. We also might not apologize because we feel we're going to be rejected by the person we're apologizing to. And that's, again, another key part of apology that you have to take on board the risk that the person might not accept what you're saying and might not accept your apology, which may lead to further rejection and hurt. And of course, this fear can make us hesitant to take that first step. And as Kim and I often say, one of the reasons we don't do things is because we feel we don't have the skills or the tools to be able to do them effectively, so we shy away and don't do them. Many people simply haven't learned how to apologize effectively or as Kim spoke about it was never modeled to them by their family or their parents or their friends. And so apologizing isn't part of their, I guess, communication toolkit. So they might not even know how to do things like express empathy, take responsibility or articulate their regret in a meaningful way.
[00:09:34] Speaker B: And, you know, if you are that person who hasn't had that modelled to you and you don't know how to do it and you feel like it's a really difficult thing to do, you can just start by sharing that with your partner. I really want to learn to apologize more or apologize better, whatever it is that you're struggling with. But it wasn't modeled to me and I find it really difficult and I'm going to try my hardest and I'd really appreciate your support and a little bit of space as I try to improve and I get better and better at learning how to apologise because that might sound strange to some people. You want to talk about getting better at apologizing, but apologizing, as we've said, is really important. It's a big part of getting into that repair state and moving from that repair state into that state of harmony. And we know we are much happier and we're able to grow when we're in that state of harmony. In the relationship.
[00:10:31] Speaker A: Yeah. And by saying that I don't have the skills to apologize and I'm sorry for that. That's being vulnerable.
[00:10:37] Speaker B: Yes, absolutely. And it is growing your skills right there, because you're taking responsibility for where you're at in the situation. So let's think about how to make a better apology. The first thing that we would encourage, if you're trying to improve your apology or start apologizing in a meaningful, supportive way, acknowledge and take responsibility. So, identify what you're apologizing for. Identify the hurt, the impact it's had. So clearly articulate what you did wrong or what you did that was hurtful, and acknowledge the specific impact this has had on your partner. It shows that you understand their feelings, and it shows that you understand the consequences of your actions or your comments. And that's really important to the person receiving the apology, that they can feel as though you actually understand why you're apologizing. The word sorry really has no meaning without anything attached to it. It's just a word that doesn't offer someone the safety. And remember, we're trying to rebuild that trust with an apology. That was the first thing we spoke about. It doesn't offer them the safety if they don't feel like you know why you're saying sorry. So, for example, I'm really sorry that I criticized your cooking in front of our friends. It wasn't a nice thing to do, and I imagine that was quite embarrassing for you.
Another part of acknowledging and taking responsibility is avoiding being defensive in the apology you offer. So don't start with, you did this, and therefore I did this, which I'm sorry for. It's about owning your own actions. So don't make excuses, don't put it back on them. Don't shift the blame. It demonstrates maturity and a genuine willingness to make amends when you offer a unequivocal apology without defensiveness. So an example would be, I was wrong to do that, and there's no excuse for it. That is taking full ownership.
[00:12:46] Speaker A: Step two, express genuine regret and empathy. Showing empathy means that you are actually trying to see things from the other person's side, and they will pick that up, and they will see that. That you're showing that it's not just about you, that you're actually making this about them and the hurt you've caused them. So this step means that you need to say more than just sorry. It's actually about expressing a heartfelt remorse and understanding that this did impact them emotionally and communicating that to them. For example, I can see how my words hurt you. It made you feel embarrassed and undervalued, and I really regret causing you that pain. It's not fair that I did that.
Of course, as we spoke about before, it does require you to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the gateway to meaningful connection. Let the other person see you and see that you generally regret your actions. You're not just apologizing for the sake of it, and you are actually impacted by the hurt you've caused them because you care for them, you love them. So, for example, you might say, I got caught up too much in a joke and only thought about myself and being funny, and as a result I hurt you. That is the last thing I would want to do and I feel terrible about it. I'm actually really embarrassed.
[00:14:10] Speaker B: And I think as you hear this, it just struck me that, like some of. Some of this sounds quite full on, but the more sincere you are and the more specific you are with your apology, the more responsibility you take. It's never going. You're never going to over apologize if it comes authentically and genuinely in the situation. There's no way someone's going to say, well, that's a bit much. They're going to feel really, they're going to feel even more seen and heard. They're going to feel it more deeply. So don't be afraid to actually use those words that Roger's giving in the example, you know, to say, I am embarrassed about my behaviour because it shows a real level of reflection before he's gone and made the apology. And the third step that we would, would suggest for a better apology is to commit to change. So when you, when you want to, when you make your apology, you really need to tell the person how you're going to do this differently in the future. Because apologizing is one thing, expressing genuine regret and empathy is. Is one thing, but if you don't know how to change it in the future, they're going to hear the apology and think, well, it's just going to happen again. So you need to clearly state what you will do differently to prevent the same mistake happening in the future. And this also shows a commitment to you wanting to take responsibility deeply and grow as a person. So an example of this might sound like, in the future, I'll make a conscious effort to not get caught up in the moment, appreciating that being flippant about something that you put effort into could really hurt you.
And in that regard, it never hurts to ask for your partner's forgiveness and offer the repair. Give the other person the space to process your apology and ask for their forgiveness.
Offer to make things right. Tell them that that's your intention, that that's what you want, to do something like this. I hope you can forgive me. And if there's anything I can do to make it up to you, please let me know. Just know I'll work to be better next time. And again, remembering you're not over apologizing. There's no such thing. The more thought you put into your apology, the more authenticity you put into your apology, the more validated, seen, heard and consoled in terms of rebuilding that sense of trust your partner is going to feel.
[00:16:41] Speaker A: And just to go over those three steps for a better apology again, step one, acknowledge and take responsibility. Step two, express genuine regret and empathy. And step three, commit to making change and amends.
[00:16:55] Speaker B: Yeah, we love this three step process. And it's actually one we use with our daughter, because as parents, we get it wrong sometimes. We might be in a grump, we might have snap when we're feeling short or irritable or a child's budding into something, or they do something to hurt you and physically, by accident, or deliberately or whatever it is, and we might turn around and react in a way that we're not proud of and that we didn't want to do. And so we always use these three steps. We want her to know that we are, we take responsibility. That was my behaviour. Wasn't okay. We showed I genuine regret for what we've done. We can see that this would have hurt you and made you feel potentially unsafe, or we can see that you feel a little bit uncomfortable now because Mummy was louder than she should have been. And then we commit to how we're going to change. What am I going to do in the future? Mummy's going to make sure when I'm feeling that way in the future that I watch myself and I don't raise my voice again.
[00:17:56] Speaker A: Yeah. And like always, it can be really hard to apologise to your kids. So it's okay to show your kids vulnerability. It's a great way to model it. Okay. And there are some watch points around apologies. So if you found yourself saying either of these, I'm sorry if I made you feel, or I'm sorry you feel that way, or I'm sorry for everything, or I'm sorry, but you're not apologizing properly because you're not showing regret, you're not showing empathy, you're not taking accountability, you know, these are things that are core to an apology. And so by making sweeping statements, by not addressing the issue, by not taking full accountability, you're not really apologizing, you're just saying sorry.
[00:18:46] Speaker B: And I think this comes from a vulnerability space and a space where the person really isn't quite ready to accept that what they've done wasn't kind in its fullest sense. And that comes from I don't want to be that person that did that. I don't want to be the person that really hurt your feelings. And so I'm just going to caveat my apology a little bit because then I'm not such a bad person.
It's not a malicious thing. When people give a half apology, I don't think it's because they don't want you to have the full apology. I think it actually reflects more on their inability to own and acknowledge. So really stepping up to the plate and fully owning and acknowledging your apology is a very mature and responsible way to behave in a relationship.
[00:19:31] Speaker A: So what happens if you both need to apologize? Now, this can definitely happen in firecracker situations where both of you can just tee off on each other, even though one person might have caused the initial hurt. You both say things you didn't mean and you go, I guess you go both off tangent and do things that are regrettable. Well, I love this quote from Esther Perel.
There is a power in apologizing. First, it's not only because there is a power and vulnerability, it's because there is something about owning, claiming and taking responsibility that gives you a sense of agency. It's not power over another. It's the power to, to clear the debris, to reorganize the pieces, to make things right. When you apologize, you choose to change the story, to move the plot forward. So I reckon we should all take charge and get apologising.
[00:20:26] Speaker B: I completely agree, rog. And I think there's just one thing we haven't covered off today that people will be wondering, what if your partner doesn't accept your apology?
And whilst, you know, you just talked beautifully, that quote from Esther Perel about the power of apologising, the other person has the freedom to accept or not accept that apology. And this uncertainty is the core of the vulnerability that we experience in apologizing. It's actually at the heart of it, will I offer myself up, take responsibility, you know, say that what I did was wrong and take that on as it, as a part of my own behaviors, take that full responsibility for who I am? As a human and maybe get rejected even after all of that. And that's exactly what it is. You do not have the power over the response of your partner and that's where the vulnerability lies. So in an ideal scenario, they're going to take your apology and your vulnerability will be met with their vulnerability to accept it and move on. But in a less than ideal scenario, your partner might not be ready to accept your apology yet themselves.
Just hold on to what you have achieved by apologizing. Do not. Do not head down a path where you're going to need to apologize again. Just hold on to the fact that what you've done is powerful and impressive and you should be proud of yourself. So if it's not met with the partner's willingness or readiness to accept it yet, that's okay, because what you've done is really important and powerful in that relationship.
[00:22:07] Speaker A: Kim, what was your gold nugget? From our episode on three steps to a better apology.
[00:22:13] Speaker B: I love all of today's episode, which I know is a bit of a cheat, but mainly because I think we don't talk enough about how to apologise. I don't know if I can ever remember reading anything really around how to apologize. And in terms of having it modeled to you, I know there are a lot of people who wouldn't have had this modelled in their own family home as a child because people do really struggle to apologize. And as a really, really emotional person, I think apologies are extremely powerful. So I've just really enjoyed the fact that we're giving people information on the power of an apology and how they can use that themselves, how to get started with a better apology. And I just think that the potential in a relationship is so huge in terms of. Again, we talk about momentum in that relationship, keeping us in that harmony state longer or heading back to that harmony state quicker. That is only going to enhance the momentum of your relationship. What about you, Rog?
[00:23:20] Speaker A: Well, the experts say that repair and the ability to repair is one of the most important, one of the most important things in a relationship and a key factor in repair is the apology. So if you can get good at apologies by taking these three steps, you're going to get good at repairing, meaning you're going to spend less time in a state of disharmony with your partner and more time in a state of harmony.
You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:23:51] Speaker B: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life, relationship insights and conversations head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:24:01] Speaker A: And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:24:10] Speaker B: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
