Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Resentment is a heavy word and a feeling that can subtly undermine trust, communication and connection. It often arises from unmet needs, poor communication or perceived inequities, and over time it erodes the satisfaction and joy in relationships. Today, we'll explore how to spot and address resentment early, discuss common scenarios that lead to these feelings, and provide strategies for initiating conversations that heal and strengthen your relationship.
Hey, we're Kim and Rog and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:39] Speaker B: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should, we think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:47] Speaker A: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:00:56] Speaker B: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house flipping business, we've achieved some big dreams and most importantly, we feel fulfilled in having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:04] Speaker A: Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts, and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:14] Speaker B: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfort in whatever tickles you pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
[00:01:31] Speaker A: So today on the podcast, we are going to be talking about the topic of resentment. And I think this topic is something that is actually a little bit taboo in relationships. It's one of those things that it can feel.
It can feel really disloyal to talk about resentment in your relationship and outside of the relationship. If that's all you're doing, is talking about the relationship in a resentful fashion or about resentment with others, then there is an element of breaching trust in the relationship. But actually talking about a sense of resentment or what's underpinning it within the relationship is really important because resentment can build quite quickly in a relationship, and it builds from a place of feeling wronged in the relationship, feeling hurt in the relationship, feeling mistreated in the relationship. And these feelings can often be left to simmer underneath, which is how that resentment that builds, it builds up with this sense of anger and bitterness and dissatisfaction and and general unhappiness in the relationship.
It can develop specifically when one partner feels their needs or expectations aren't being met, and that happens over and over again so consistently, they're not having their needs in the relationship, or their expectations of behavior, of relationship agreements, etcetera, they're not being met. And when that resentment builds, because this isn't talked about or this isn't dealt with, it can really damage the emotional connection between partners. Which is why that word resentment carries such a.
Such a heaviness to it, I think. Because the damage it does is quite serious.
[00:03:36] Speaker B: I think you're right. It's a real heavy and negative word.
We don't want people to feel shame about feeling resentment towards their partners. Because I think if you've been in a relationship for more than one or two years or 22 weeks, one or two weeks or 22 years, like us, at some .1 of you or both, you are going to feel resentful towards the other. And that's because the truth is, we're not perfect. We can't always communicate our needs and wants to each other. And we also assume a lot in relationships. And sometimes we don't feel seen, sometimes we don't feel heard, and sometimes we're not brave enough to tell our partner what we need. So again, don't feel shame if you feel resentment and also understand that there is a way through it. But as Kim said, it can have quite an impact on the relationship and your emotional connection with your partner.
[00:04:33] Speaker A: I think that's a great point, though, Roj, and we talk about that a lot here, even though I maybe intro this with, you know, like, a big feeling around resentment, which there is a big feeling around it. And I just wanted to acknowledge that anything that's happening in your relationship that you're struggling with is nothing to feel shame about.
The fact that you're thinking of making change, the fact that you're wanting to do things better, that's all we've got in life. There is no perfect. There is no, I've got everything under control. There is a willingness to learn and grow, and that represents a really great character in a person.
[00:05:13] Speaker B: So it represents intent. Like, things suck, things aren't going right, or I feel this little niggle, but my intent is to do something about it because I love my partner and I want to be a team.
[00:05:25] Speaker A: Oh, I love that intent. It's a good one. So just thinking a little bit more about why we really wanted to pick this up today, and as I said, when resentment builds, you can very much damage the emotional connection. And from a damaged emotional connection onward, it can be a pretty slippery slope toward a more serious outcome in a relationship. So the impact of resentment, let's just unpack that a little bit further. The first thing that resentment can do is it can erode your sense of trust in the relationship.
It can take away from that intimacy, that connection that you feel to your partner, that real trust of they're my person and I'm their person, and they've got my back, and I've got their back.
And that emotional distance can build up. And once you start building that, you can become quite biased towards it. So then you see things through another light, that things can be more easily perceived negatively.
Another outcome of resentment is an increasing conflict in the relationship. Resentment can be quite corrosive in a relationship as we feel resentment as it builds in the relationship. As I said, you change your lens, and you can become quite biased towards seeing things negatively. And obviously, when you do that, you can increase the conflict. And I can remember back to times with you, Rog, where I was frustrated in the relationship, definitely had resentment built, and I can think vice versa for you as well. And I would just create conflict out of this lens. I would see you, and I remember you saying to me, why don't you assume the best in this situation?
And that now, in hindsight, I look back was you asking why everything was going through this negative lens, and I was not able to articulate at that time. But I can see now that I was in a state of resentment and I hadn't shared that with you.
[00:07:28] Speaker B: Well, of course you're going to have more conflict, right? Because conflict is generally around, something's happened, something's wrong, it needs to be resolved. But then you're bringing this baggage or bringing this little undercurrent of resentment in. So you're not giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. You're sort of holding this and going, well, if they're. If they're making me feel this way, well, in this situation, why would I think they've got my back? Why would I think the best of them?
[00:07:54] Speaker A: Yeah. And you, you know, that's that breakdown in communication, which is another part, isn't it, of what resentment does. You start seeing things through that lens. You feel less trust, you feel less connected, you have more conflict. And so the cycle continues, and you don't want to talk even more. You don't want to open up and say what's happening. And it gets harder and harder, and you hold on to more and more of that resentment. That emotional disconnection builds, and the overall outcome of resentment in a relationship is dissatisfaction. You are unhappy or dissatisfied with your relationship. And from there, there's very little room for growth if you want to grow in life together as partners, which is what we're all about here. We are about helping people to build themselves into a team so they can go out and live their best lives. It's not just about having a team environment at home. It's about using the power of the relationship to go and live your best life. But if you are not happy in your relationship, you don't trust your teammate, you're feeling resentment. That's not a springboard for growth.
That is, in fact, an environment really for stagnation or even, in a sense, feeling like you're going backwards.
[00:09:10] Speaker B: Yeah, I know you spoke about emotional disconnection there. And I also think that we often say that emotional connection is foreplay, is foreplay. So if you're sitting there going, why aren't we touching or hugging or making love as much as we used to? Well, if you're emotionally disconnected, why would. Your partner's not going to feel that way towards you, and you're going to be less likely to feel that way towards your partner until maybe it builds up. And then, and then you can even feel resentment for being emotionally disconnected. And that's, I think, a huge part of what Kim's talking about is this stuff snowballs. And I guess that brings us to how and why resentment builds up in a relationship, because it does happen over time, slowly, slowly, slowly building and snowballing, gathering momentum.
And I like to think of why resentment might build up as the three un's. So we've got unmet expectations, unresolved conflicts, and unspoken grievances. So this is where there's just not a meeting of minds. This is where there's unspoken, unmet, unresolved conflicts, grievances, and expectations simmering under the surface. You're not speaking the same language.
You're holding on to things, and things aren't getting resolved. And the problem and what Kim said off the top of this episode is that these things are heavy. So you feel like you're carrying this weight around that seems to be getting heavier and heavier, and you start to blame your partner as a result. It might have been a small little grievance at the start, or you might have noticed something and just not said anything and just gone, oh, I just. Well, I'm not happy about that, but I'm not going to say anything. And then over time, it builds and builds and builds. And of course, because we lack the skills, the communication skills to communicate our grievances, communicate our conflicts and communicate our expectations to our partners, this information doesn't flow across to them. So as much as you might sit there and blame your partner for not understanding your needs, this is a team sport. Marriage is a team sport. And both partners need to take accountability. But again, no one seems to be teaching anyone apart from the team Life podcast on how to actually use these key communication skills to push information and receive information so those un's don't build up over time. There's also some other ways that we can see how resentment might build up. And that's. That's also perceived inequity in the relationship. And that can be when one partner feels that all the responsibilities, all the efforts they put, all the sacrifices are being made by them and not the other partner. But again, unless that's communicated to the other partner and is held, but instead is held onto, you're going to feel that resentment continue to build over time.
[00:12:27] Speaker A: I love that, thinking about the UN's, because resentment really comes from a, you know, Un is that negative holdback sort of thing. It's undone. It's not, you know, it's not said it's not done. It's the opposite of where we want to be in that proactive space in the relationship, driving and growing and working toward loving our partner more toward like, wanting more out of the relationship versus pulling back from the relationship. And I think that Un really sort of, I don't know, it just stands out for me. And I like that you said the three Un's.
[00:12:59] Speaker B: And what you were saying before, sweetie, is that it's very hard to grow and move forward as well.
[00:13:03] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:13:03] Speaker B: So you're holding this weight. All these Un's are building up, and because you're doing that, you're not moving forward.
[00:13:09] Speaker A: Yes. Yes, exactly. So some of the hard topics that go unspoken and can cause resentment, according to research, are important to sort of talk about now, because I think one of the, you know, the realities of resentment is we don't label it as resentment in the relationship. As I said at the beginning, I never had the word for that. And even if I did, I don't know if I would have used, like I would have said to you, I'm feeling resentful towards you.
It's got some weight behind it. But the more we bring awareness to what is happening underneath the resentment, I think the more people will be able to address resentment. Whether they go ahead and label that or not, they'll be addressing it within the relationship. So in terms of raising awareness and understanding of what some of the things that might be leading to resentment in your relationship relationship are.
The first thing that obviously a lot of relationships will be familiar with is the sharing of the house chores and the mental load. And this has been really, we've talked about this quite a bit, that this has been really heavily covered in the media in recent times. I mean, I say heavily. I see. I mean, that comparative to the past, realistically, it's probably only being proportionately covered now in terms of how serious it is, because all the stats prove that women carry a far greater portion of both the house chores and the mental load, irrespective of how much time they spend in paid employment outside of the home.
And so in terms of the house chores and the mental load, you know, it can lead to partners feeling really overwhelmed and overwhelm is certainly a state where it can be hard to speak what you're struggling with. It can be hard to show a partner what you're struggling with. And so it really provides that environment for resilience to build another scenario that you might be aware of, that you might recognize as we sort of talk through it as something that's affecting you, is the returning to work after having a baby. Returning to work after having a baby brings up a lot of stuff we hear from other couples, and it totally depends on the relationship and their own situation in terms of trying to balance the family needs with each individual parent's needs, with the relationship needs. So partners will talk about what they want, but our experience from talking to couples is there is quite a lot that will often go unsaid, especially because mothers are carrying so much exhaustion and overwhelm and mother's guilt at that point in time that they will hold back a little bit around what their needs might really be or what their dreams and expectations might really be. And that can really start to cause some resentment towards their partner. And in terms of the partner, interestingly, as well, we have heard blokes tell us, if, you know, in that more traditional role, obviously in that scenario, because the women have had the children most often stay at home when they're young for the larger period of time, that the blokes do also feel some resentment building sometimes when perhaps they had other ideas of how parenting young children would look, and they haven't felt like they wanted to discuss that or have felt safe to discuss that. And so the resentment simmers under the surface around what their family expectations actually were because they haven't communicated that.
[00:16:54] Speaker B: Yeah, I love those two examples. Sweaty. So, you know, you're talking about house chores and mental load and then returning to work after motherhood. If you've had three kids and it takes that last kid five years to get to school, it could be ten years that that person, that mother is at home and, you know, might have a bit of part time work or of course, full time work at home. Kim just looked at me. Full time work at home, looking after three kids, and also probably doing a lot of the house chores and carrying a lot of the mental load because that's what the stats say they do and that's what the women say they do. And this resentment might build up over ten years, or it might even just build up over the final three years and everyone's just so busy trying to. Trying to go through their lives and pay the mortgage and look after the kids that nothing gets said and these UN's start to arrive again.
[00:17:51] Speaker A: Exactly. And I'll just touch on a couple more scenarios just to sort of bring the. Raise the awareness out there for people in case resentment is simmering under their relationship and they're not actually potentially sure how to label that, or haven't had the words for that, or haven't been able to recognise it yet.
People can become resentful in relationships when they feel like there's an inequity in the amount of social time they each get. Who's getting to see their friends more, who's getting to go and play a sport more, who's getting to go to the gym more, those sorts of things. Obviously, another one that couples struggle with is financial decisions that can certainly bring up resentment if you are not clear on what your financial goals are, on how you want to handle finances, on who's in charge of finances, on why they're in charge of finances.
Finances is a big one for couples, and it can certainly build up resentment because it can also be a really, and we've talked about this before, specifically on a show, it can be a really tricky topic for people to actually engage in the. Depending on what their childhood experience was around money.
[00:19:00] Speaker B: Yeah, that's where we talk about the resentment building because of perceived inequity. So someone might be like, you get to spend whatever you want while I'm sitting here petty pinching for the family and.
[00:19:13] Speaker A: Well, I think it can play out in a few different ways. You're right, perceived inequity is one of the ways. But also, you know, you may encourage each other to have, say, a sort of a live in the moment spending habit, for example, but secretly you may be thinking, but I really, really want to move house in five years. And I haven't articulated that to my partner. And now I'm getting frustrated watching them continue because I've started to save because in my head I've got this dream. And then you think, well, that person doesn't know the dream, so you start to feel resentful towards them. And that's that lack of communication around.
[00:19:49] Speaker B: It, or vice versa. One of you is like, yeah, we want to go buy the new house on the beach and take on a bigger mortgage. And the other person's going, all right, so I'm going to have to get a promotion at work or work longer hours, or I'm going to have to go pick up more part time work or increase my hours away from the kids. And of course, you both think you're moving in the right direction, and you both think that's what you want, but it's not what you both want. And so the resentment starts to build.
[00:20:19] Speaker A: Exactly.
And one of the last ones, just to keep an eye out for or reflect on maybe is emotional support. So when a partner feels like they're not getting the right support, so their partner, they might feel like they're not being validated or understood fully. That can really cause resentment to start to build because you start to erode that emotional connection and that sense of intimacy we talked about before.
[00:20:48] Speaker B: So, as I said before, resentment often builds because of these UN's or perceived inequity and largely because of lack of communication skills, because there's not a free flow of information, and so there's unspoken grievances, unmet needs, and unresolved conflicts.
So Kim and I are now going to talk you through how to proactively discuss these big topics, especially the ones we've just gone through with your partner.
[00:21:17] Speaker A: So there's really, I love a system. There's really two ways you can approach this. I think systems are the key to life. It's like how we say planning is freedom. Once you've got a plan in place, you don't have to use the headspace to be thinking about it. You just execute. So in terms of using a system, the best way to avoid resentment, and avoid's the wrong word. The best way to minimize the likelihood of resentment.
[00:21:42] Speaker B: To mitigate.
[00:21:44] Speaker A: No, minimize the likelihood.
[00:21:46] Speaker B: Cool.
[00:21:48] Speaker A: I like my specific words.
The best way to minimize the likelihood of resentment is by building a system where you communicate regularly, and I mean weekly catch ups. This isn't like maybe we get together once every, you know, I don't know in a blue moon when we remember to go to dinner, it's putting a system in place. So that regular date in the diary of but that can take time for couples to build up, and you certainly wouldn't on your first regular date night, jump straight into all the things that have caused you to feel resentful. So if that's the case, that you haven't got that in place in swing yet, and you can't necessarily dig into a big issue like what you're really struggling with under the surface on, on date one, then you can raise the fact that you'd like to talk with your partner, which if you haven't got the system in place, it's probably going to come a little bit out of the blue. So you just need to raise it in a really gentle manner and set a mutually agreeable time to talk. That's going to work for both of you. And just remember that for that person, if you raise an issue and you don't regularly raise issues with them, this is going to come as a surprise. So just holding in mind a little bit of space and grace for them to, to understand that for them, they might be a bit nervous about that. So it's not a big deal. I just want to have a chat because I want to build our connection, focusing on the positive side of it, why we're doing this, because I want us to be a little bit more communicative in the relationship, have these conversations and allowing that partner to feel a little bit more safe and comfortable moving forward with that. And in that regard, when you do pick a time together, make sure you schedule a relaxed time, not a time when the kids are going crazy and you can't focus and you're going to be tapping in and out, or your partner, or yourself, or on your work phone. Pick a relaxed time and a comfortable place. We say this a lot. Don't have difficult conversations in stressful environments. It just simply will not set you up for success.
[00:23:47] Speaker B: That's right, where you have your conversations almost just as important as what you're having conversation about. So even if you do talk all the time with your partner about little hard things, the big hard things can be really hard to talk about still. So we have some tips on how you can bring up some difficult topics with your partner. So the first tip is use a gentle startup. Doctor John Gottman says that 96% of conversations that start with a harsh startup, the opposite of a gentle startup, will end up in a negative zone. 96%. You're going against the averages there, guys. Next, use I statements. Express your feelings and take responsibility. For example, I appreciate how much you handle for us. I was quite worried when you made that big purchase without us talking about it. Can we please go over our budget together so I feel more secure about our finances and we can work through this together?
[00:24:55] Speaker A: Oh, I love that example.
[00:24:57] Speaker B: Except that there's going to be initial discomfort. Trust me, the first five minutes are going to be hard. But if you get through those five minutes, you are going to be proactively working on your relationship and making the rest of the conversation easier and letting go of that resentment.
[00:25:16] Speaker A: Oh, they're great, really, about really getting yourself in the right headspace, coming in with a positive mindset, avoiding blame. So you just, you move away from any harsh startups and taking responsibility, expressing your feelings. I love that. That's a really great space. And I think when you're doing all this in the conversation, just remember to bring a stance of empathy to it. So bring a perspective of this is my position in this conversation, but my partner has another position. And we actually had an empathy conversation yesterday. I said to Roger, we had a big issue, and I said, I've been thinking a lot about this from your side, and it's worrying me that this is going to be upsetting to you. And we really talked about what was actually happening from his side because I had spent a lot of time imagining what might be happening, and I think that was a very connecting conversation.
We increased our emotional intimacy as a result.
[00:26:12] Speaker B: Just by putting yourself in your partner's shoes, you're actually helping that heaviness you've been holding, they're actually taking it off you for a bit because you're saying, maybe I was thinking about this wrong, or maybe I didn't see this from their point of view. And of course, like we always like to say, after you've had a hard chat and got through that initial discomfort and spoken about a tough issue, say, I'm proud of us for having this talk. It shows our strength as a couple. We are a couple who does hard things and gets through hard conversations. Give yourself a pat on the back.
[00:26:48] Speaker A: All right, Reggie, I love that last point. That's one of my favorites. But what was your gold nugget out of today?
[00:26:53] Speaker B: My gold nugget is if you're feeling resentment towards your partner, take ownership of it and actually address it with them and use the tips we put together at the end of the episode around the gentle startup, finding the right space, not putting on blame, and going in with empathy, and you'll have a great shot at letting go of that resentment.
[00:27:13] Speaker A: That's a great one. For me, it was really around just highlighting some of the topics or the areas that can build resentment, because I think it's so great when we're aware of what's happening. If we don't use the word resentment or we don't think about it like that, if we at least know the scenarios, like we said about the mental load and the chores and going back to work and the financial stuff, all of those different ones, those scenarios, now you can take that information and just, just hold it in your mind. I'm feeling frustrated here, actually, and I'm starting to look at everything perhaps in a similar way. Am I a little bit resentful? Because this can be a tricky area in relationships. We know that.
[00:27:59] Speaker B: You'Re amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:28:03] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:28:13] Speaker B: And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:28:21] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
