Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: We all have stories we tell ourselves or default reactions that shape experiences and how we view the world. But sometimes these can impact us more negatively than we realise. By adopting new viewpoints, we can break these patterns and open up new possibilities for connection and understanding. Reframing isn't just about seeing the glass half full. It's a profound shift in perspective that can open new pathways to connecting with your partner. Stay tuned as we dig in today to five key reframes that can help shift how you view conflicts, daily interactions and the overall dynamics of your relationship.
Hey, we're Kim and Rog and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:46] Speaker B: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should, we think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:54] Speaker A: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage, been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:01:03] Speaker B: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house flipping business, we've achieved some big dreams and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:12] Speaker A: Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:21] Speaker B: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfort in whatever tickles you, pickle and enjoy living the team life.
Reframing is a psychological technique that involves changing the way a situation, thought or emotion is viewed, thereby altering its meaning and impact. And look. A big part of our lives is our ability to identify and solve problems in our day to day lives, in our business, in our marriage and other relationships. And of course, as most of us know, to solve a problem effectively, you have to first understand it and then you have to accurately define it so you know you're solving for the right things.
Seeing a situation from a different angle can not only help you feel better, but more importantly, it can help you find new ways to tackle the situation. We all have been in a situation where sometimes we're so knee deep in the mud we can't see the forest from the trees. We're in a muddy forest, right? And stepping back to see the bigger picture can be a really powerful technique to understand where we're at and how we're going to get out of there. Our current perspectives or the stories we tell ourselves, we all know they can be damaging or they can be negative. I think we're hardwired sometimes to take a negative look on things, and they can also hold us back from making changes required for improvement. By reframing, you adjust your perspective on issues you might be struggling with based on your emotions or some old patterns that no longer serve you. By reframing a situation or adopting a new viewpoint, you can begin to change those patterns, leading to feeling healthier and more controlled in your mind.
So while sometimes reframing can be seen just as seeing the world through a glass half full, well, yes, this, this is true, but it's actually more than that. And I think the other thing that's important for us to recognize is that actually there's a lot of research and evidence that shows it works. So what we're doing today is we're going to give you five reframes to help you change your relationship mindset. And of course, there are a lot of different ways that someone can reframe a situation, because there are several various psych frameworks in which reframing is used. So to simplify it, today we're going to look at reframes through the lens of one empathy, by seeing things from your partner's perspective and to the team, what's the best outcome for the team?
[00:04:03] Speaker A: I think this is such a great topic, rog, and you brought it to the podcast. Reframes are really powerful, like you said, I think they can get sort of misunderstood as a bit of a rainbow philosophy, or only seeing the good parts of life. They actually, as you explained, have great potential to change negative or unuseful thought patterns on an ongoing basis. You're really practising looking at things from a different perspective. You're practising or training your brain to reconsider things from a perspective of greater gratitude, from a perspective of greater empathy. And those types of thought patterns, those sorts of thought approaches are a positive net outcome. They are better for your life. We know that. Research tells us that. So I think reframing can be really powerful and it doesn't have to be complicated. And I think with us going through these five examples today, we really show you just how simple a reframe can be and how powerful it can be. So with that, let's kick off our first reframe example we have today. Reframe number one is the thought process goes like this.
He never helps with the chores. He walks through the door over the mess. Like he doesn't even see it.
Now. The reframe for this would be.
I feel overwhelmed with the housework.
He feels overwhelmed with his job.
We should get together and create a plan to share the load more evenly and see how we can support each other better.
So this reframe shifts the focus from blame, which is how the person feels in the initial instance, that they just don't see anything. It's their fault entirely. It shifts that to mutual understanding and cooperation. It's really about moving the couple forward. This is another part of reframing, is really that it's not just about the reframe, it's about what does that reframe help me to do in terms of progress? Because once we change our thought patterns, we want to move towards the end goal. What's the outcome we're looking for here?
[00:06:15] Speaker B: Oh, I like that.
[00:06:17] Speaker A: So, acknowledging both partners feelings of overwhelm fosters empathy. And than that leads to a greater idea around collaboration, an easier idea for collaboration. And we have an expert opinion that certainly supports this reframe. In this scenario, you know, Gottman talks about, and we've talked a lot about John Gottmande, the leading relationship expert in the field. And I say that in that he has done the most research in the field. So, Gottman's research shows that couples who work together, which is what this scenario is about to manage household tasks, tend to have stronger, more resilient relationships. So by reframing this situation, you are allowing yourself to be able to work towards a more equal shared load. You are working together to work towards that outcome, which Gottman has shown through his research, has significant benefits for the relationship. He also emphasises that sharing responsibilities in general, the responsibility of coming together to do the task, of coming together to more equally share the load, that creation of a fairer division of chores can really reduce resentment in the relationship and increase relationship satisfaction.
[00:07:34] Speaker B: That was a ripper. I think it's something that a lot of people have felt, and I love how it's about taking that empathy point of view as what could they be feeling? And then taking the team point of view is, what do we want? What's the outcome we want here?
[00:07:48] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:07:48] Speaker B: All right, so our second reframe. So the original thought might be something like, oh, our lives are so chaotic, we never have any time for each other.
Our reframe today, for that is, our lives are so full and busy, but that's because we're go getters, we get things done, which means if we put our minds to it. We can make space for us.
[00:08:15] Speaker A: I love that. It's a feel good reframe.
[00:08:17] Speaker B: Yeah, I put a lot of gusto into that one.
You know, the good thing about this reframe is it changes the perception of what busyness means, from a negative thing to maybe a positive attribute between the two of you, highlighting, you know, what you're capable of, what motivates you. It also encourages a proactive planning step, which, again, as Kim just mentioned before, this is how we. We're trying to change our mindsets to help us move forward, to help us get done what we need to do to solve the problem. S. Burrell also talks about how important it is to consciously make time for each other. And the way you can do this is through routines and rituals. So. So if you're go getters who live busy lives and you get a lot of stuff done by planning and then going after it, create little rituals in between those areas, you know, you know, you have the ability to do this. You do this at work, you do this for the rest of lives. You can definitely do this between the two of you to create and carve out some space for you. I think, you know, if we can view our busy schedules as a testament to, I guess, our drive, and that's the reframe, and then utilize that drive to make the change in our relationship, to make it a priority.
[00:09:32] Speaker A: This is such a cool one. It's what they'd call in the psych world, a strength based reframe. Because you're really reframing to proceed forward from what are our strengths. What can we use here already to make this change? And I really love that we do that because you really flip the script on the idea of what chaotic means. Chaotic represents something, but it doesn't need to represent something negative. In this scenario, we're saying flip the script or reframe. And you can see that chaotic has a whole nother meaning to it. It means that you're go getters, and that's a strength. And you can use that strength to actually get to a place where you really want to go, which is making the space for the team, which is very cool. So reframe number three. Moving on. I'll give you what the original thought was, what we came up with, which is our relationship is so boring, we've lost the spark. And the reframe that we thought of for this scenario is we've built a stable life together.
How can we introduce new activities now or even new experiences to reignite some of our excitement. And this reframe really appreciates, which is another lovely thing. It appreciates the stability in the relationship. So turns that negative perspective we have into a perspective of gratitude. And gratitude is really powerful in reframing. And Ann seeks to build on that, seeks to build on what you've got, rather than tearing down where you've got to. It's saying, this is a great starting point. So it encourages couples to really view their solid foundation as a strength and explore new ways to build on top of that, to invigorate their connection and grow further together. And Sue Johnson, who is the founder of emotionally focused therapy, EFT, she emphasises the importance of creating new positive experiences in the relationship to enhance emotional bonds. And introducing novel activities can really help couples, obviously, to do this. So understanding that we know through Sue Johnson how important it can be to have new experiences, positive experiences, because they do increase emotional bonds in the relationship. We know that by using this reframe, we're going to work towards something which is getting us to a mental space where we are looking for the novelty and excitement, planning for how we can actually include that in the relationship and give ourselves the opportunity to work towards these positive experiences together and have the benefits in the relationship. If we stuck with the original thought, we're really just piling on top of what we're already struggling with. Once we have the reframe, we give ourselves the space and perspective to actually move into an opportunity of bonding more together, of having more emotional bonds. Because we know when we do actually get to that space where we are creating something new, it does pay off for the relationship.
[00:12:37] Speaker B: I really like that, especially the gratitude piece in there, because, you know, calling a relationship boring. Well, you know, I know we want novel stuff, we want cool stuff, but, you know, maybe having some gratitude for the stability in it and the fact that being predictable is actually a good thing in many situations, but also having the view that doing some novel cool stuff can also reignite some of those love chemicals we always love talking about. Okay, so our fourth reframe is going to be about arguing. And the original thought we had here, or a thought that might be coming up for you, is we argue all the time. Maybe we're just not that compatible.
This is a good one, because this is definitely a thought that Kim and I had perhaps in our first ten years of our relationship. And how we've often reframed this is our arguments highlight areas where we need to grow and understand each other better. How can we use these conflicts to improve our relationship? And grow.
Now, I love this reframe because as we've spoken about a heap on this podcast, and we've spoken about repair a heap, and the experts like S. Perel and Terry real are big on this, is conflicts are opportunities for growth. They're opportunities to understand your partner better, the opportunities to peek behind the curtain of what's happening in your partner's life. And yeah, they're uncomfortable. Yeah, they're tough. But once you get through them on the other side, you're creating a positive pattern of, yes, we can get through anything. So yes, do the hard thing, which is have the conflict. Do the harder thing is be the bigger person and talk to your partner about how to repair, and then you'll find this gets a little bit easier.
[00:14:34] Speaker A: So nice as well, because with this reframe, the more you practice it, the more you're going to help calm your body automatically in the midst of a conflict, because your body and brain are going to remember, they're going to hold on to that information, that you guys actually have a way through conflict. You can use it constructively.
[00:14:52] Speaker B: Well, then it becomes a part of your identity. We're a couple who gets through conflicts, and that's a great way of putting it. Sweetie, about the reframe, instead of we're a couple that argue all the time, maybe we're not just compatible. You could be like Kim and I, we're a couple that argue all the time, but we're a couple that always repairs.
[00:15:10] Speaker A: Always repairs. And Ann grows. You know, we're not saying we're perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we are always working on progressing forward.
[00:15:20] Speaker B: We had a whiz banger of an argument over the last few days, but we also had one of our best repairs ever. And actually, funnily enough, we're feeling pretty connected right now. So a little love thought, yeah, I don't think I would have got away with going, wow, this is a whiz banger of an argument halfway through.
But again, in retrospect, in hindsight, that's the funny thing. We can sit and laugh. Like, how's that? We had a ripper argument, and yet we can now can sit back and laugh about it. That's the power of repair.
[00:15:51] Speaker A: That was very sweet. All right, reframe number five.
So the thought you might have might sound like their career is more important than me, and the reframe might sound something like, their career is really important to them and they are trying to provide for our family, and I support that. We should talk about our values and what we both really want out of life for us and for each other.
And this reframe really acknowledges the importance of the whole team looking at the whole team. It's about opening that dialogue about shared values and future goals for both people, the partnership. It's about how you guys are going to support one another, really be in that team space. And it shifts the focus from feeling neglected to a sense of one understanding. But also, we're in this together. This isn't about me versus them. This is about us. And if there's a problem, then the US will work to fix it. This isn't all on me either. And that's a lovely, powerful reframe because it takes some of the burden off the person as well, you know, knowing that you're in that team together. And Stan Tatkin, who's another relationship psych. He emphasizes the importance of understanding each other's motivations and goals. This is a really big part of relationships that are successful. And he suggests that secure, functioning relationships always involve supporting each other's personal and professional aspirations. So by using this reframe and supporting your partner in the reframe in your mind, and then creating, as a result, an action because you feel empowered, you understand them, you say, yeah, I've got compassion for this person and what they're going through. And from that compassionate place, I'm able to say, I also. I also would like to discuss my goals and my values and get clear with my partner so that they can support me as well. So you get that action out of it, and you head towards being an openly communicating couple who do talk about values and goals. And as I just said, Tatkin tells us that that's really powerful in a relationship that can support you to have a long lasting relationship.
[00:18:13] Speaker B: That's 100% right, sweetie. So there are five reframes for you. Have a. So there are five reframes for you today. I really, actually enjoyed, we enjoyed writing them and we enjoyed replaying them for you right there. And again, to try simplify this first, what we did was we tried to see things from our partner's perspective, which can be really hard when we're feeling unseen, when we're feeling a bit negative, when we're feeling like this situation is unfair, fair. Why should I say things from my partner's perspective? But empathy is a skill, and the more you do it, the more you'll build on it and the better you'll get at it. And it is important to see things from another point of view. And then once we've seen things from other, from our partner's perspective, we've been in their shoes. That's when we look at it from the team perspective. What is the best outcome for the team? What are we trying to do here? Well, of course, the team is you and your partner. It's your relationship. So if you can keep those two things in mind, it will really help you reframe some tough situations and help you come up with a plan to move forward.
[00:19:21] Speaker A: I just want to make a note on that because I think it's really important. It doesn't cost you to show your partner empathy. I think sometimes people feel like if I show them empathy, it's costing me more. It's the opposite. It only benefits you when you come at something from a position of empathy or compassion, because it's going to sit you in a far more receptive position to move forward as a team. If you stay in the me versus them and you don't want to show them empathy, you don't want it to cost you. You're not going to be able to progress forward. So understand that it does not cost you to show empathy and compassion. In fact, it's going to allow you to move towards the team approach.
[00:19:58] Speaker B: All right, sweetie, so what's your gold nugget for today?
[00:20:01] Speaker A: I absolutely love these reframes. I'm taking these out for myself.
Doing the work for us so often helps us in our own relationship.
[00:20:09] Speaker B: It does.
[00:20:10] Speaker A: It does, doesn't it? I just. I just think there is so many situations in a day where you have the opportunity to reframe and it is like a muscle. The more I do it, the easier it gets. And the easier it gets, the more productive it becomes for our relationship, the more opportunity it creates for us to keep growing as a couple. So I actually absolutely love the reframe.
[00:20:31] Speaker B: Yeah. So instead of being like, oh, Roger, you're like, oh, Roger.
[00:20:34] Speaker A: No, no, they're definitely the first one first.
Then I got a reframe.
[00:20:38] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Was that your goal, nugget?
[00:20:41] Speaker A: Yeah, that's my goal nugget. What was yours, Reggie?
[00:20:44] Speaker B: My gold nugget was.
My gold nugget was. In the end, we all want to move forward. Like, momentum is so powerful in a relationship and in life. So if you're having trouble moving forward, you're feeling stuck. Look at things from a different perspective. Look at things through your partner's perspective and then the team's perspective, so you can move forward.
You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:21:13] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:21:23] Speaker B: And if you liked today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:21:31] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
