Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: You.
Do you know what your partner is worried about right now? Or what's making them smile at the moment? Or even what they're wanting more of in your relationship?
No. Well, you're not alone. And the reason most people can't answer these questions is because they aren't asking them in the first place. It can feel intimidating to dig into this stuff with your partner, but the payoff is huge. Not only will your partner feel seen and heard, they will feel like they are in a real team. Will you share your hopes, dreams and challenges rather than carrying the load solo? And we've got a bonus for you today. We've decided to model asking these questions for you. So get comfy as you get a front row seat. To us getting up to date on each other.
Hey, we're Kim and Roger and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:50] Speaker B: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should, we think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:58] Speaker A: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:01:07] Speaker B: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house flipping business, we've achieved some big dreams. And most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:15] Speaker A: Hear conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts, and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:25] Speaker B: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfort, whatever tickles you pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
You we love our partners, but when we have kids at home, jobs, mortgages, families, maybe parents to start looking after, friends to keep up with, and all the other stresses in life, we can sometimes feel a bit disconnected from them.
And as the years go by, that can get harder and harder. And yes, we love them, but sometimes we don't know them anymore. And as we've said again and again on this podcast is people change. And change is a good thing.
So it's really important that we continuously check in and keep up to date on each other, on who our partner is, and let them know who we are.
How can we help each other out? What's the thing that's stressing them out a lot. What are the things? Writing them up right now so we can get a better understanding from them. What it also means is when we have that better understanding, when we feel like we're up to date with each other, is we're more likely to feel like we're on the same team because we have more information, we have more knowledge. It also means that when disagreements inevitably occur and we do feel like we're on the same team, we're less likely to let them escalate, we're less likely to fight. We're less likely to push and shove over scarce resources. And so instead of just going through some prompter questions and letting you know, here's some great prompter questions here, why they're important.
Kim and I actually thought today we might ask each other these questions off the cuff. We haven't prepared for this apart from the questions themselves, and actually model to you how a conversation like this might go. Kim and I do this very regularly, once every few weeks, probably. They're not always exactly like this, but sometimes when we're struggling a bit or we're feeling a bit disconnected, or we're feeling like life's just too busy and we haven't touched base in a while, we'll revert to prompter questions like these. I'll also put them up on our socials as well.
[00:03:45] Speaker A: Yeah, Roger this to me as a topic idea, and I think it's brilliant. We do talk a lot about using prompter questions. They're such a great place to start when you are getting used to talking with your partner, because talking is a skill, and you have to learn how to practice that skill, and it can be quite intimidating in the beginning. So starting with some.
[00:04:13] Speaker B: Pre written prompter questions. Peter Picker.
[00:04:17] Speaker A: Thank you. I think can be a really helpful place. But I think what really struck me when Roger suggested the idea and we started thinking about what sort of questions might be helpful to the audience, what would be most helpful, and what would be most interesting?
I am fully prepared today for the fact that your answers will surprise me, and I think mine will surprise you. And to be honest, I haven't even prepared mine. I'm just looking at this first question, thinking, I don't know if he knows what I'm going to come out with. So it's interesting, isn't it, how much we can know our partners, how much we can talk to our partners, and yet how much they may be keeping to themselves at a deeper level of what is really, really happening for them. And how you need to think about what exactly it is you're asking them. If you really want to dig that bit deeper and find out what's happening for them so that you can be the best support to them, so that you can be their biggest cheerleader, whatever it is that is going on. Good, bad, ugly and, yeah, I'm just excited to, I guess, really model this for you guys today and hopefully give you a little bit of an insight on how valuable these sorts of deeper questions. And they're not even big hairy questions, but just these sorts of questions can be.
[00:05:41] Speaker B: Yeah. So without further ado, further ado.
That's not a bad way to start off with a little bit of light humor.
I'll start. So, Kim, what is your biggest stress in our lives right now?
[00:05:59] Speaker A: This is crazy because even answering this, I have butterflies in my stomach.
It stresses me so much and I try to say I can't even get it out of my mouth quickly because it's such a big deal.
The biggest stress I have is that I'm not going, oh, God, it's going to make me emotional that I'm not going to get it right as a parent for our daughter because her future depends on the work we do to understand her challenges fully, to give her the absolute best support. And we doing a lot of work looking at supports. We don't just look at the clinical research in Australia. We don't just look at best practice in Australia. We look global. And that's a huge piece of work to do that. And I often worry.
I always worry that we're not doing enough and that I'm not going to be enough and that I'm going to miss something really important and I'm just not going to get there. I'm not going to do what I want to do and I'm not going to be a good enough mum and she's going to pay the price because I didn't get it right.
So just a small stress there.
[00:07:35] Speaker B: Yeah.
And I guess for me, I would say that I think you do an amazing job. And I often have to say this to Kim is like our daughter's doing a therapy in the states, which is world leading, and that's because of Kim. Our daughter is doing so well and pretty much is all because of Kim. Our business and our property business. And this podcast is where it is because of Kim. And so when I hear that, I want to validate it and say, I'm so sorry you feel that way.
But then I'm like, hey, but how can that be right? Because you kick ass like, you're amazing. How can that stress you out when you are always at the forefront of everything we do in our personal lives, let alone our business lives?
[00:08:30] Speaker A: I appreciate that it's wild. Like, even just saying it out loud feels a bit of a release, do you know what I mean? Because you just carry it so much on your own.
Yes, that is the answer to that question. That is my biggest stress right now. What is your biggest stress right now, Roger?
[00:08:49] Speaker B: My biggest stress in general is that I'm just not doing enough.
And I mean that in terms of. I've just said, like, how much you drive our lives and drive the business and our daughter's therapy and needs.
And I'm just like, you and I have an amazing relationship and we work in our business and we work around the house as 50 50 as we can, but I always feel like I'm not doing enough and that I can't get enough done.
And as a result, I'm not. Maybe not as straightforward as not providing for the family, but I feel like you're having to. Even though I feel we are 50 50 with a lot of things, when we play different roles, you're more strategic, I'm more operational.
I feel sometimes that it's just not enough. I could be doing more. And so when I see you struggling, I take that on as, like, mate, how could you let this happen? You need to do better. So that's something that probably, at the back of my mind, just kind of, like, niggles at me. And I'm not someone who stresses big time generally, but that's a constant niggle, especially when I see you struggling or when I see the little one struggling, or sometimes when I see myself struggling, it's like, mate, pull your socks up.
You're supposed to be the one who's the strong one providing for this family.
[00:10:21] Speaker A: I'm sorry you feel that way, because what I see is when I'm struggling, you always step up to the plate and I never have to ask because you are noticing it. Obviously, you're watching me, and you will always offer to do more of something that will give me back time, give me back space and access, and give me the reprieve I need to keep going in the direction I'm going. And I think it's one of our superpowers, is the ability we have to read each other and provide support and space and be flexible for the other person and step up when the other person needs it. So I hear that that's a stress for you. And I keep that in mind because I want you to know that I am so grateful for all that you do to support me. And I definitely never, ever feel like ever, you are not stepping up to the plate. So we've gone pretty deep to start.
[00:11:32] Speaker B: Well, when we're talking about stress, and I think everyone has a lot of stresses, but sometimes just to pick one gives us an insight into what is maybe something that's underlying or maybe underpinning a lot of other stresses.
[00:11:51] Speaker A: Yes. And also just having that capacity now for me, I'm going to hold that, what you've told me, what you've shared, I'm going to hold that in my mind and in my heart. And as we go forward, just bring some awareness to my own behavior and to what's happening in our lives as to how that could be impacting you based on what you worry about. Do you know what I mean? It builds that empathy. I now have a little bit more perspective as to what your stress lens looks like and what might worry you, and so I can build my empathy towards you in that space.
All right, on to our next question.
[00:12:29] Speaker B: Sweetie, what has made you smile recently?
[00:12:33] Speaker A: Without a doubt, our daughters started rock climbing, and it just brings me so much joy watching her develop and get joy herself and mastery and just. I think any parent of a child with a disability will understand that things that other parents, I don't want to say, take for granted, but they do because it's a part of the normal part of their normal course of life for them. Whereas it's not necessarily. When you have a child with a disability, mastery and progress and development and all ease of activity, those are not things that are probably commonly said or experienced. And so going to rock climbing and watching her be a little jet on the wall and watching her think really carefully and slow down and do all these amazing things, it just lights my soul up. I feel so happy for her. And that's what makes me smile. When she's happy, when she's doing well, when she feels good, I feel good. And that one has just lit me up.
[00:13:51] Speaker B: I love that. And the truth is, she's just struggled every day of her life. And this is not to excel. This is just to do the bare basics of what most kids can just go out and do and take for granted. And good kids should take things for granted. We're not saying they shouldn't here. That's the beauty of being a child, and I'd never want to take that away from them. But she just struggles so much to do that, and I'm not going to even do a humble brag, but she's just bloody amazing at rock climbing. She's a natural. She's got an instructor, and even he's just blown away about how good she is. And so for us to see her being, I guess, excelling at something when everything else in her life has been so.
Yeah, it's a smile and a tear almost, isn't it?
[00:14:41] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely.
All right, Roger, what has made you smile?
[00:14:47] Speaker B: You know, of course, I was going to say our daughter, but what I'll do is I'll move her aside because she does make me smile. Nothing makes me smile more than her. But actually, for Christmas, I got you and me to accept a private golf lesson.
[00:15:07] Speaker A: This is a great one.
[00:15:09] Speaker B: And I wasn't sure if you'd be that stoked about it.
And I gave it to. And you were. You were stoked. And we didn't get to do it until late January, but, yeah, we went with this professional and she was really good and she gave us like an hour, an hour and a half lesson.
[00:15:31] Speaker A: What was her name?
[00:15:33] Speaker B: Claire.
[00:15:33] Speaker A: Oh, man. Shout out to Claire.
[00:15:35] Speaker B: She was awesome. We're going to go again. But we both really enjoyed it, and I both think we learned a lot. We really enjoyed it was really enjoyable experience. We did it together and we were both like, this is something novel. We're getting some novelty in our lives and I think this is something we can do ongoing. We love all our sports, but we were like, maybe we could be golfers. And I think sometimes where the hustle and bustle of life, sometimes we miss a bit of novelty. And that was something really novel. And we sat and we went and hit some balls after, and then we went to the Wembley golf clubhouse and had a pint and looked over the golf course and it was amazing.
[00:16:18] Speaker A: I am so glad that you said that one because it gave me a huge smile as well. And it's funny, I was thinking the other day it felt really cool to have an instructor as well and try and level up with some proper guidance. And now that you've said that, I actually was wondering whether we should get a tennis lesson because we're both pretty crap at tennis, but we really enjoy it. And I'm just wondering now how much we might enjoy having a little bit of instruction in that space. So I'm glad you brought that up. I feel like the instruction was part of it.
[00:16:53] Speaker B: Right.
[00:16:54] Speaker A: It wasn't just hitting the balls. It was like having instruction was really enjoyable.
[00:16:58] Speaker B: Yeah.
I think if we'd just gone to the range, we've done a few times, just gone to the range, just don't know what you're doing. And what it did was gave us something to work on. And so we felt like you talked about mastery before and it made us feel like, well, we couldn't master it, but we were getting better by doing it. And we could reflect on. Just know if we're giving you information on living the team life through our podcasts or even modeling here, you can think back and go, oh, actually, in that scenario, Kim said this, Roger said that it gave you a bit of context, something to work off, and so you weren't floundering around.
[00:17:34] Speaker A: That is so true. It feels more purposeful. Since when we've gone to the driving range. Because you're working towards getting better at the skills that she highlighted we needed to work on, which was a lot.
Pretty much everything.
[00:17:47] Speaker B: One type of shot with one club.
[00:17:51] Speaker A: Good old seven iron.
All right, one last question. Roger, what would you like us to do more of in our relationship?
[00:17:59] Speaker B: Well, since this is a PG rated podcast, I think that's going to be every. Okay, that's going to be every guy's answer. So, guys, we might need to flip the script here and not say what I was just about to say.
This is really hard, actually.
[00:18:16] Speaker A: Really?
You can't think of anything except I.
[00:18:19] Speaker B: Did knew exactly what I was doing. I wish you and I got to spend a night away together.
We don't get to do that. We literally don't ever get to spend a night away together. We're working towards it in the next twelve months and it's just to be able to have a set amount of time where we don't have to worry about our daughter, even though we will worry about our daughter the whole time, where we can just.
I just focus on the two of us for more than two to 3 hours in a row because I don't think we ever get to do to focus on just us for more than two or 3 hours in a row. A row without thinking about work or thinking about our daughter or thinking about running the household.
[00:19:14] Speaker A: That's a good one.
[00:19:17] Speaker B: You know what you're doing a night away, right?
I couldn't help it.
[00:19:22] Speaker A: We're a while off it. But I'm glad you say that. And I think you're right also bringing teasing it out a little bit. It's about having an extended period of time. And whilst we do have a lot of opportunities for quality time, we make the most of them. We do as much as we can.
It's not the same. And, yeah, I appreciate you bringing that up and sort of teasing out a little bit why that's so important for us.
Yes. Keep that one in mind.
[00:19:54] Speaker B: So what about you, sweetie? What would you like us to do more of in our relationship?
[00:20:01] Speaker A: This is a tricky one.
I love what we do. I think for me, it's probably more along the lines of the golf lesson. I'd like to try more new things together. Okay.
You know, I love a hobby.
Hobby.
[00:20:19] Speaker B: You love a short lived hobby.
[00:20:21] Speaker A: Yeah. So my adhd brain just wants to try, like, I really want to do pottery, and I would just love to do. At the moment, I really want to do pottery. I should just clarify.
[00:20:33] Speaker B: Do all the things.
[00:20:33] Speaker A: Yeah. I also want to learn to sketch, which I am abysmally bad at. I would just love to do those things with you.
I keep saying, like, I really enjoy learning something new. And you said to me, you've said to me before, but you never stick with it. And I sort of just believe that doesn't matter because I'd rather live a life where I got to try everything than not try something because I'm not going to stick with it. That doesn't make sense to me. So I'd rather just spend my life trying things with you and just enjoying that newness and that fun of something new. Yeah. That's what I'd like to do more of together.
[00:21:12] Speaker B: Let's see how we can make that happen.
[00:21:14] Speaker A: Because pottery.
[00:21:15] Speaker B: Agree. Pottery.
[00:21:17] Speaker A: Pottery.
[00:21:18] Speaker B: We just moved on to golf lessons, but no, we'll try it. Maybe I will do a pottery lesson with you.
[00:21:24] Speaker A: Oh, there you go. It's on the record. Love it.
[00:21:26] Speaker B: So I hope you enjoyed listening to our prompter questions and conversations today.
Completely unscripted.
We sort of rip these questions from things we often do ask each to. When we talked to Penny and Hugh, what we said to them is because they were vulnerable. It made being vulnerable more accessible to other people, which improved people's mental health. If they could see them doing know, either Hugh on the know, Penny in her book, or both them when they went on the imperfects and talked about mental load, which was huge that they laid themselves out there and then came on our podcast and again, just was super vulnerable and laid their relationship out there for us, for the world to see if they can do it, well, then you can, too. And that's what Kim and I are trying to do here today. We're getting pretty raw, so you can understand that you can as well. You can have these conversations with your partner. It just might take a little bit of practice, but you can have them.
[00:22:35] Speaker A: Absolutely. And I feel like I've learned some things today which I'm going to carry forward with me, and I'm excited to know a little bit more about what's happening upstairs for you.
[00:22:50] Speaker B: You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:22:53] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship in insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com, where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:23:04] Speaker B: And if you liked today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:23:12] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
