Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Have you and your partner been niggling at each other a bit lately? This could be a yellow flag, but did you know that spotting these early warning signs can help you proactively address potential issues before they develop into bigger problems? In today's episode, we're diving into five common yellow flags. In this episode, we'll break down the subtle signs and show you how identifying and addressing them together can actually be a sign of a healthy relationship. So grab your headphones and join us as we explore how tuning into these early warning signs can lead to a stronger, more resilient partnership.
[00:00:39] Speaker B: Hey, we're Kim and Rog, and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:46] Speaker A: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should, we think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:54] Speaker B: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage, and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:01:03] Speaker A: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house dripping business, we've achieved some big dreams and most importantly, we feel fulfilled in having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:12] Speaker B: Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts, and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:22] Speaker A: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfort in whatever tickles you, pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
We all know about red flags. These are danger signs or warning signs where we take immediate action in a relationship context. We've talked about these before, specifically in relation to the four horsemen of the apocalypse. These are Gottman signs that things are not going right in your relationship. Most of you have heard of green flags. We've done an episode on this. These are signs of a strong and healthy relationship. These are things you should keep doing. Now we're going to talk about today yellow flags and these are watch points in a relationship that enable you to identify and then proactively work on small issues that happen before they become large issues. So don't stress if you feel like you're seeing a few of these yellow flags today. It's actually really healthy in a relationship to notice yellow flags before they do spiral out of control. Another thing about yellow flags is when they start to happen, they start to disrupt. The Gottman five to one ratio. This is the. He calls it the golden rule. And we talk about banking your love interactions. This means for every five positive love interactions, you can only really have one negative interaction anytime this ratio is out of kilter in the negative, that points to signs that perhaps the relationship is not in a good spot. So we're going to go through five yellow flags today, and these yellow flags can be between the two of you, or maybe they're just identified in one of you.
These are, however, always best addressed together from a supportive point of view, from the team point of view. And most importantly, this isn't about judgment, this isn't about telling someone off. This is about having the information at hand so you can get ahead of issues before they, I guess, get worse again. One or more of these will definitely have occurred or will have occur in your relationship, and they might happen quite regularly, especially because some of them might be due to old habits or baggage you've brought into your relationship, or baggage from a long term relationship, or maybe they're based in attachment issues.
Generally. We don't want to identify a yellow flag as a one off either. This is perhaps a pattern that's maybe happened over three to four days, up to about a week. Anything longer than that, you definitely need to start addressing it, because after that it can become a red flag.
[00:04:14] Speaker B: I really like this topic when you raised it, Rog. I think red flags are really, really important. But the problem with a red flag is, as you just mentioned, it means it's already evolved to a bigger issue, already evolved into something that is going to be harder to tackle. And, of course, it's still doable. Absolutely. We've dealt with red flags in our relationship. It's certainly the four horsemen of the apocalypse. We've had to work through quite a bit around the horsemen of the apocalypse in our relationship.
Those negative communication styles showing up.
I do realise, though, had we understood yellow flags back in the day, we could have avoided getting to the more challenging spaces we ended up in. That did erode our connection and our sense of joy in the relationship, because it had gone on for so long and so far. So I think today is a really lovely topic because it's about just really raising your awareness to perhaps things that are happening in the relationship and just nipping it in the bud, just getting on top of it. You know, we talk about relationships requiring ongoing work.
This is part of that maintenance. I mean, we definitely have yellow flags show up in our relationship today. There's no perfect, even when you've worked on your relationship a lot, even when you have. And we'll talk about why different yellow flags show up, including external stresses. And I think things will continue to show up. Things will not always be perfect, they will not always be easy. And what we're saying is this is a really great way to bring your awareness to what's happening and focus on what we talk about. You always have to work on your relationship.
You can't just leave it be. This is part of doing the work in the relationship. It's not about saying something's wrong, it's about saying we're doing the work to keep things heading in the right direction.
[00:06:16] Speaker A: Yeah. Yellow flags are definitely a regular occurrence in a relationship. And being identify them and work on them proactively is the sign of a healthy relationship. So let's kick off with our first yellow flag.
[00:06:31] Speaker B: So the first one is niggling at each other a bit more often. And this might look like frequent minor arguments over trivial matters, things like debating who's responsible for chores or what you guys want to have for dinner, getting snarky at each other. You always want this or you always want that. It sounds small, but it can build, can't it?
[00:06:54] Speaker A: Right?
[00:06:54] Speaker B: Like just a little bit of sarcasm, some passive aggressive comments here and there, rather than speaking from a plain perspective, speaking your truth in the moment and a general sense of irritation, perhaps in each other's presence, in the space, in the environment. And what this niggling at each other more often does to the relationship is it accumulates, obviously, over time, and it creates an atmosphere in the relationship. Even in the physical room, you can sense it of tension and resentment. And there's no way you can move forward as your best selves. If you are feeling tense and resentful towards your partner, everybody will know that they've had moments where they've experienced that you're not sharing with that person, then you're not opening up to that person, you're not talking about your dreams, you're safeguarding yourself because you're strung out in that environment. It does not promote good behaviour, it does not promote joy, contentment, growth, any of these sorts of things. So it does have quite a corrosive quality to it. And over time, that constant bickering can really erode and work away at positive feelings and goodwill between partners. So the things that we talk about, when you have that five to one ratio going where if you do one thing wrong, your partner's like, well, that's all right, because I've had five good things, so I know that's just an anomaly. This isn't the norm. And we forgive our partner a lot quicker when we're aligned on values, we forgive our partner a lot quicker. But if you've got this constant niggling going on, you lose your positive feelings towards your partner. You lose that goodwill. You haven't got that five to one ratio happening. And so when they do something that's not a big deal, sometimes it can blow up into a much bigger deal because you don't have that same positivity towards them, that same goodwill towards them that says, I know you better than that. That's the incident, not the person. And instead you start saying that that's the person, and I'm ignoring the incident as a one off.
[00:09:07] Speaker A: Yeah, you can see how you can definitely start to draw down on your five to one love credit there. And if you niggle at each other for too long, then you stop giving each other the benefit of the doubt, that you've got each other's backs, that you're working in each other's interests. And it's these slight little slights, these little bits of sarcasm. They chip, chip, chip, chip, chip away, and they often go unnoticed. And so that's what we're trying to bring to attention today. And I think that might be one of the most common ones, the little niggles that we don't even see ourselves doing. All right, so the second yellow flag we want to talk about today is actually, you know, your partner shutting you out or for some people, it's there going inwards. So an example of this is maybe your partner spending more time on their phone, doom scrolling, you know, on social media. Maybe they're playing games, you know, maybe they're. They're sort of going out the back, spending more time alone. They don't want to be in your company as much, but, you know, they're just, they're less likely to tell you how they're feeling. They're less likely to engage with you. And so you don't have that shared experience of the day. You don't have those moments of connection of the day because it seems like they've gone inwards a bit. Now, again, there's not no judgment here because can be so many reasons for that, but it does impact the relationship and it needs to be actioned. So some of the ways it can impact the relationship is it can create an emotional distance. And we've recently had an episode on loneliness, and these things can snowball where a partner in a relationship, because they don't have that emotional connection, starts to feel lonely, or perhaps they start to feel rejected. This person who should have my back, this person who I want to connect with, always, who I'm offering bids of connection to, they don't want to reciprocate, they just want to shut me out. And this starts to create a barrier in other parts of your relationship. So you're less likely to want to be intimate with that person because you're not working on your emotional intimacy and it starts to weaken your bond. And of course, if your partner starts to go inwards, they're not seeing you. And so you start to feel really unseen, you start to feel unimportant to them, you start to feel neglected, even though it might not be something that's directly relevant to you. So these things again can start to slowly build over time.
[00:11:46] Speaker B: That's a really important one, and one that's probably sometimes a little bit harder to recognise and pinpoint, I think. You know, sometimes it can be difficult to really say what's happening here. I'm noticing maybe a little bit of withdrawal, but it can be hard to really 100% be sure sometimes with those.
[00:12:04] Speaker A: Well, you're like, what have I done? What's wrong with me? And sometimes it's not always about that. And we'll talk about that at the end of the episode as well.
[00:12:11] Speaker B: Yeah, okay, great. The third yellow flag we're identifying is drinking a little more alcohol than usual. So examples of this or clues that it's occurring, might be increased frequency. So maybe you're someone that used to drink once or twice a week. Maybe you only drank on the weekends, or your partner was someone who used to drink once or twice a week or on the weekends. And now every night, the first thing they're looking for, or you're looking for, is the bottle.
Using alcohol, you can see as a coping mechanism. So they might say something like, oh, my God, I feel so stressed. And at the same time reach to pour a drink or open the fridge, and you might see some changes in behaviour when drinking. So if, say, someone drank once or twice a week and it might be just an enjoyable situation, a glass of wine with dinner or something like that, you might find that when someone increases the frequency, you'll notice a difference. They might actually become more irritable. They might have some blue days after in the mornings or even the afternoons of the next day, that you might see some more agitation or even becoming more withdrawn as a result. And this sort of yellow flag does have quite a big impact on the relationship if someone is starting to drink more than is healthy for them. And the way to measure that is to see if it's having a negative impact drinking. I'm not here to promote drinking, but like all the things in life that are not super healthy for us, but we partake in because we enjoy them for social reasons or whatever else, that's okay. If it's not negatively impacting your life, it's when it steps into the negative space that we start to think about, well, is this something I need to rethink? And in terms of a relationship, when a partner, or both partners are being. Becoming more dependent on alcohol to relax, what we can see is that there's often an avoidance of deeper issues in that space. There's an inability to find the space for openness. Create the space for openness, I should say, and share what is actually happening. And that avoidance can lead to something we discussed recently, which is loneliness as well. Because when we're not discussing what's happening, when we're not sharing with our partner, we can be very stuck in our own world. And whilst drinking alcohol will numb those feelings for a period of time, eventually they're going to crop up again.
[00:14:54] Speaker A: Yeah. I think this is something that I've, you've seen to me in the past where I, you know, if I was really struggling at work or just in general, I'd probably be quicker to crack a beer as soon as I walked in the door or I'd maybe have a couple more beers than I usually do. And, you know, the knock on effects are that, you know, you might only have a few beers tonight, but especially as we get older and it was no good when you were younger. You just had less responsibilities, is you sleep worse, you feel worse in the morning and you become grumpy and you don't even notice it. And so it is a spiral, because what starts to happen is that you feel a bit grumpy and you feel a bit worse. And so you feel like you need a drink. And that just makes you feel grumpy. It makes you feel a bit worse. And as usual, your family and your partner are the first to feel that stress. And so for a lot of men.
[00:15:56] Speaker B: I think they feel the stress, but they also feel like they can't engage you. That's. That's what you lose that because. Because you're trying to numb the feelings you don't want to engage. Yeah, you've got a numbing source, so you don't want to engage in conversation. I just want to have my beer and be quiet.
[00:16:13] Speaker A: Yeah. And especially in Australia, I think it's changed a bit since we were younger, but there's a huge drinking culture in Australia for all ages, and it also. Especially not especially with men, because women have many problems with alcohol as well. But drinking also was like, it's like, this is what a man does. This is what an adult does. And so there's nothing taboo about it. And I think it's people. I think people know the effects for a long time and the damage it does to society.
But, you know, even the recent human episode on alcohol sort of really brought to light that he's like, there's no safe quantities of alcohol. But again, Kim and I like a drink. You know, we just try to keep a balanced life and try to keep healthy. But again, we're not judging.
[00:16:57] Speaker B: It may be differentiating that, though. I think, like you say, we like a drink.
We drink maybe once or twice a week. Me less than you, and I have maybe one glass of wine if we do have a drink, because I want to be present, because we have so much going on in our lives that we need to be on our game for that I need to be engaged in. And if I drank more than that, it would cause me to separate from things, to not step up to the mark and be present, and that would distance us from one another. So I feel like that's a deliberate decision to minimize alcohol intake so that we can be really present in the relationship and in our family life.
[00:17:48] Speaker A: Yeah. And so if I start to drink a bit more than maybe the two nights a week or on those nights, I have, you know, more than two beers, you'll go, hey, Roger, just, you know, you're gonna snore tonight. It's gonna impact us. Or you might not say anything, but if you notice that one or two weeks in a row, you'll just say, hey, maybe you're okay. What's going on? All right, so, number four of our yellow flags is you're not repairing after a fight or you're taking a long time between the fight and the repair. So we did it again, as always. We've done another episode on this not too long ago, but Terry real and S. Perrell believe that repairing is one of the most critical skills in a relationship. And if you're not doing it, then you're not moving forward.
Examples of this or clues this might be happening is you're avoiding the discussions about a conflict after it's passed, even though you might be feeling. Might be feeling that there's some things left unsaid. You could be holding up a grudge or worst, starting to think of the past conflicts that you had without a resolution. And you start to get a bit of, I know, resentment towards your partner. You can feel the tension because you haven't repaired and you feel that things are left unresolved and maybe you're slamming a cupboard every now and then or something like that. Of course this can impact the relationship if left unchecked. Unresolved conflicts can lead to accumulated resentment and a sense of emotional distance. It can lead to that me versus you instead of the US as a team mentality. And it can undermine the critical trust required to grow together because you're not learning from the issues, you're not learning about each other. You're not looking to change together and move forward.
[00:19:47] Speaker B: Okay, number five is watch point number five is less touch and gentleness. And this is sort of bringing your awareness to when you notice there's less physical affection, such as hugging, kissing, hand holding, reduced sexual intimacy or a lack of interest in physical closeness.
Avoidance of physical contact, like pulling away from each other. And the impact this can have on the relationship is that you can lose your bond and that sense of emotional intimacy.
Physical touch is really important and this is one I'm really guilty of. When I get stressed out, I feel I go inward. I find it very hard to be engaged with other people. And that specifically includes rog because I'm trying to process that on my own. That's something I've always done, is process things on my own. And so I have to really, really be deliberate. And that's something that you can do with yellow flags is practice being deliberate. It's not always going to be easy. We're not saying all these things should come easily to people. For a lot of people, you have to work, you have to bring your awareness to it, notice it, and say, okay, I'm going to make a real effort to amend that behavior as best I can because I don't want it to have a negative impact. So, you know, I don't want to lose the bond and emotional intimacy. I don't want to create a gap in the relationship that might be filled with doubt from my partner around what's happening for me. And maybe if you haven't got the capacity to be physical at the front end, you can say even just to your partner, I know this is happening and this is why and I'm working on it because that's going to build trust and intimacy in that moment. It's not saying you have to fix all these things or make these perfect. Bring your partner in on the journey, make it a team situation. Talk about the fact that you're aware of the yellow flags. Strategize together for how you can support one another to make adjustments. And I think that sort of takes us on to, you know, what we wanted to talk about next, which was how we address the yellow flags.
[00:21:49] Speaker A: Yeah. So I think, you know, your last example of the yellow flag was really good, that, you know, it's a bit of a less touch or intimacy than usual, because the other person might not notice that this is even happening for them, or you might not notice that it's happened between you and, yes, that's what we're talking about today. Information is power. The more you can notice these things, the more you can help each other and help the relationship.
But again, yellow flags are actually positive in the way, is they help us proactively work on issues before they spiral out of control. And one of the most important things to do in a relationship is to communicate issues. This is, we're talking about the elephant in the room. So if you and your partner have a strong relationship communication skill set, be direct. Tell them, this is what I'm noticing. What can we do about how can I support you? Let's move forward. I love you. If they're still developing their relationship communication skills, then you need to create the space for them. And the number one tip Kim and I always give is go for a walk. It helps relax you, and you're more likely to have conversations that get better resolutions on a walk. And remember, there's a few watch points out here. Watch points. On the watch points express your feelings without laying blame.
Depersonalize the issue, because you have to understand that many of these issues, one, the person might not notice they're doing it, and two, they're likely not even caused by you or the relationship. We have so many stressors in our life at work. You know, we have general down moods. We might be eating unhealthily or not exercising enough, or the kids are going through a bad season. So it's really important to understand that a yellow flag is an issue you can work on together, and communicating about it is the first step.
[00:23:42] Speaker B: And the other thing you can do, the last thing we want to leave you guys with is you can actually model the positive actions or the change you want in your relationship. And. And this is a really lovely way of stepping up to the plate for your partner, particularly if they're maybe struggling with face to face communication, they might be very overwhelmed for whatever reason, work, life, personal, family, et cetera. And you might think, I'd like this change to occur, but I don't really want to overwhelm them with more communication around it at the moment because I feel like they're struggling. And so, for example, I'll run through the five areas, the five flags we spoke about, and how you could model positive actions around these flags or changes that you'd want to see. Firstly, if you're experiencing less touch and affection, take the lead in initiating physical touch and gentle interactions. Show your partner that this is a priority for you. Secondly, initiating repair after a cooling off period, be the one to initiate a conversation. Address the conflict. Work toward the resolution for two and three, which was shutting you out and drinking a bit more than usual. There's two ways you can address both of these yellow flags. The first is you can explore alternatives, which means encourage your partner and the team together. Sorry. It means encourage the team to find healthier ways to manage stress together. So suggest doing some exercise together. Talk about what hobbies you might enjoy picking up again together, talk about maybe doing some relaxation exercises together. And another strategy for these two areas, drinking a bit more and shutting a partner out or experiencing being shut out, is spend some quality time. Suggest where you could do this, how you could do this, plan a date for quality time, organize the babysitter for the group, don't leave it up to your partner. Rekindle your connection and share a really lovely experience. And for our first yellow flag we had, which was niggling at each other more often, any of the above strategies will help you to niggle less. So if you model any of the strategies we've talked about for the other four yellow flags, you will find that helps you to niggle less in your relationship.
[00:25:55] Speaker A: That's awesome, babe. What was your gold nugget for today?
[00:25:59] Speaker B: I think my gold nugget for today is understanding that yellow flags aren't about catching your partner out or highlighting what's going wrong in the relationship. Yellow flags are about bringing awareness to something that you can work on. And that's what we say relationships require work. Life has ups and downs. There's lots of external factors that impact this. So let's use yellow flags as an asset, as something that we can say, hey, yellow flag, let's work on this. This is something we need to work on together as a team. No blame.
[00:26:26] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm going to piggyback off that. I think it's the sign of a really healthy relationship. If you can together identify yellow flags, work on them, and grow, you're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:26:44] Speaker B: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com, where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:26:55] Speaker A: And if you liked today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:27:03] Speaker B: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
