Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:01 How close is too close? It's a question. Many ponder when thinking about the boundaries of their romantic relationships. The allure of being best friends with our partner is undeniably strong. It promises a deeper connection, unwavering support, and an intimacy that goes beyond just romance. But with these benefits come a few potential pitfalls, concerns of losing oneself, the balance of friendship with passion, or the fear of taking things for granted. In today's episode, we'll explore all this and more.
Speaker 2 00:00:32 Hey, we're Kim and Rog, and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
Speaker 1 00:00:38 We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should we think about the future as a field of possibilities, and we let joy be our compass. We've
Speaker 2 00:00:47 Taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage, and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
Speaker 1 00:00:56 From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house ripping business, we've achieved some big dreams, and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
Speaker 2 00:01:04 Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts and tales from our own lives. As we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team. These are
Speaker 1 00:01:15 Relationship conversations for real people buy real people. So sit back, get comfortable, whatever tickles you, pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
Speaker 2 00:01:30 So today on the podcast, we are talking about if making your partner your b f f best friend forever is a good idea.
Speaker 1 00:01:41 You are my best friend forever.
Speaker 2 00:01:43 Am I? Yeah,
Speaker 1 00:01:44 Of course. That's, I think that was the whole point of us doing this episode. <laugh> <laugh>.
Speaker 2 00:01:48 You're my best friend, but you tell me I'm a Larry loser when I tell you that.
Speaker 1 00:01:52 I think when you're not with me, you can be a bit of a Larry. And then when you're with me, uh, your stock goes up. <laugh>.
Speaker 2 00:02:01 Oh dear. Okay. So our best friend, we are cracking into this. What, why would you wanna be best friends? Is it worth it? What are the benefits? How does it help a relationship? Let's unpack it all. And we know that there are varying opinions to this. We know that there are definitely people out there who are gonna say, you need to maintain your independence. You don't wanna en mesh yourself with that person and, you know, effectively become one unit we disagree with, with those ideas anyway, because we're all about becoming a team. So those straight up just are not right for us. But more to the more deliberate question of being being a friend. Well, let's unpack why it's, why it's a good idea to be a B F F in your relationship. And the first thing I guess I wanna talk about is, uh, our story of friendship because we were friends before we, we started dating, but more importantly, we've been best friends since we started dating. So
Speaker 1 00:03:05 This was a while ago as well. So this is like 2002.
Speaker 2 00:03:09 It's 21 years ago.
Speaker 1 00:03:10 21 years ago. We met, uh, in the first week at uni. We
Speaker 2 00:03:13 Did, we met in the first week of uni and we were friends for probably, let me work out the dates. Couple
Speaker 1 00:03:20 Of months. Couple
Speaker 2 00:03:21 Of months. That's correct. <laugh>. We were friends with, we were friends for a couple of months, uh, which was lovely because we were getting to know one another. We was quite unthreatening because we were mates first. Uh, you didn't have, um, sort of, I guess at that age all those concerns you have sometimes when you've got a big crush on someone. Uh, so we were just mates and hanging out and that sort of grew a little bit in those two months.
Speaker 1 00:03:45 And I think because uni was quite new and exciting, 'cause we'd only just started it, we were very focused on this new exciting adventure and, um, you know, being at university as opposed to, we met each other at a club and we just were like, oh, really attracted. So it did, you know, the environment was right to build a friendship before a romantic relationship.
Speaker 2 00:04:07 Yes, it was. And, and to continue that friendship, I think, I think for us, the big thing that really kicked off our friendship in our relationship, so what went beyond the relationship itself as just a romantic couple, was our, uh, desire to share all the things in our lives. So, you know, whilst as a couple you, you do share with your mates, you share the little things, the big things, the hard things, all of the things. And we were doing that from that, from the, from the get go, building that trust building, that mutual admiration, building that shared experience together from the absolute get-go. We
Speaker 1 00:04:49 Were having lots of dns, you know, remember when you had best friends back in the day, you'd have heaps of deep and meaningfuls
Speaker 2 00:04:55 Stay up till three in the morning talking.
Speaker 1 00:04:56 Yeah. And you and I would do a lot of that. We'd have those, those d dn s
Speaker 2 00:05:01 And you know, it was such a beautiful time because it did bond us so much faster. We really were each other's best mate. We wanted to hang out or, and I think this is a big part of friendship that differentiates it, uh, from just a pure romantic relationship. And, and why we would argue it's so important to have in the team is when you're friends with someone, you wanna spend time with them, you wanna spend a lot of time with them. In fact, hanging out with them is pretty much the most fun thing you can do. And we hung out all the time together and we absolutely loved hanging out together. And we are like that today. Definitely. Like I said before, sometimes to the point where you sort of laugh at me because I wanna hang out with you all the time. Um, we have had patches where I would say our friendship wasn't as strong in the relationship. And those patches were definitely the worst times in our relationship.
Speaker 1 00:05:52 Yeah. I think, you know, in the first few years of our relationship, we were studying together, we were exploring, um, non, you know, high school life together. We were inseparable. We lived out of each other's pockets. We still, you know, I played playing footy and playing, we doing lots with my mates and you were the same. Um, but you know, we played mixed netball together. We did lots. We actually did lots of activities together that continued to bond us. And then of course, you know, we started doing, you went to work, I did another degree while you were doing property, uh, working in a property company and doing your masters. And you know, even though we actually then, uh, uh, bought a house together or bought an apartment together, we, we weren't very connected. We weren't doing a lot of the same activities together. We weren't having as many dn mss about life in the future together like we did when, at the start.
Speaker 1 00:06:46 And as a result, yeah, I don't, I just don't think we were that great of friends. I don't think we were that good of friends to each other either. Uh, even though we still loved each other very much. And then of course, like we always do, we juxtapose, you know, that time of our lives, we've now where we literally have d and m's every morning <laugh> every day. Uh, we do so many different activities together. You know, we are always looking to do cool new things. We run a business together and you, you are my best friend. And I think all the things that about a best friend that are great I see in you and, and you and I.
Speaker 2 00:07:22 Oh, that's so sweet. Maybe I just did this podcast today so that I can hear all
Speaker 1 00:07:26 Those. Yeah, it's a bit of a loving
Speaker 2 00:07:27 Hear all those lovely things. So
Speaker 1 00:07:29 Yeah, pull over if you're, so to feel a bit sick, but, uh, if you're driving
Speaker 2 00:07:33 Seriously, how old are you?
Speaker 1 00:07:36 I don't wanna say you
Speaker 2 00:07:37 Just <laugh>. You
Speaker 1 00:07:38 Just <laugh>
Speaker 2 00:07:39 Oodle. Alright. Alright. So let's talk a little bit about why, what some of the research is and, and what it says about around, uh, why it's helpful or why you should be your partner's best friend.
Speaker 1 00:07:56 While Kim at the start of the podcast talked about, yeah, there is a bit of conjecture of whether you should be best friends with your romantic partner. What we're saying is, yes, you, you definitely should be best friends with your romantic partner. And we're not the only ones. In fact, the experts a hundred percent agree with us. Or maybe we a hundred percent agree with the experts. Whichever way you wanna say it. Um, I think the experts agree with us <laugh>. So, uh, so again, you've heard us, uh, talk about, uh, Dr. John Gottman before. Him and his wife, who's al also a PhD, are leading, uh, research experts in the relationship field. They have all this research from 30, 40 years of practicing as relationship counselors and experts. And then they put again, they go and put all that work and that research into practice again with, with new relationships in couples. So that's why they're seen as the goat and, and a great team as well. They argue that a deep friendship is actually at the core of any strong marriage or romantic relationship. Um, and they believe this because they think that the friendship between two people in a romantic relationship ensures that there's a mutual respect, a sound knowledge of each other and an affection for each other that can carry it through all the up and down and hard times throughout life.
Speaker 2 00:09:13 Yeah, I mean, when you paint the picture like that, it makes it so clear why that would be beneficial to a relationship, right? I mean, these are core characteristics of a successful relationship, having mutual respect for each other, knowing each other intimately, like really getting to know each other and ha having that affection for each other. And I think, I think for some people it might sound a bit gray what we're talking about today. Oh, but in a relationship, aren't you friends anyway, the truth is no, a lot of couples aren't friends anyway. They don't choose to spend a large amount of their time together. They don't show each other all of their intimate parts. They don't share all their jokes together, all of that sort of stuff. And so they don't necessarily build that sense of mutual respect. They don't have that depth of knowledge.
Speaker 2 00:09:58 And that's where we argue the frame, the framework of like, am I friends with my partners? A very helpful way of building up those parts of the relationship that are super crucial. So, okay, deep connection. That's a great one. The next benefit of friendship in a relationship is that it's such a great protector against adversarial feelings. So we talk a lot about trying to get out of the adversarial structure in the relationship. So where you fall into those patterns of fighting for scarce resources, fighting for scarce time, basically when my partner gets something I miss out. Therefore I feel resentful, right? When I get something they miss out. It's a, it's instead of being like win-lose, which is adversarial, we want the relationship to be win-win because you're on the same team. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:10:45 Your wins are my wins, not your wins are my losses. Yes. The math doesn't work on that.
Speaker 2 00:10:50 Yes. And so the way friendship works to help you move outside of that, uh, adversarial, uh, mindset is this idea that when you spend this time with this person, this increased time and you share deeper connection with them, and you share more information and you share the jokes and, and you build that affection for one another. You put yourself into this space called a, a positive sentiment override. And what this effectively means are the, I'll just say the term was coined by, um, Robert Weiss from the University of Oregon. But what this sentiment, this positive sentiment override actually just means is you start to see your partner always through a lens of positivity, even in the difficult times. So you, you have this overriding sense that they're a good person. And if you think about it, it makes sense. When your best friends stuff up or say something that offends you or upsets you, you have such a strong positive sentiment override.
Speaker 2 00:11:51 You love that person, you know they're a good person. You want the best for them so much that when they say it, you will either move past it entirely in the moment because you know and love them so deeply and, and, and you are filled with the positivity. Or you might raise it briefly, but it is never gonna scar you. It's a quick, uh, rift and repair because you are, you sit in the positive space and that's that positive sentiment override. The is is built by a friendship. It's built by those things we would, you Roger was mentioning before, having that mutual respect for one another, knowing each other intimately. When you really know your partner, you know, when they, they mean to cause you harm. And when they just accidentally stumbled over their words or maybe weren't very considerate in that moment,
Speaker 1 00:12:38 You assume the best of them.
Speaker 2 00:12:40 You assume that is what positive sentiment override is. And you used to always say that to me. Now you've brought that up as a young person because I think you felt like I didn't do that in the first part of our relationship.
Speaker 1 00:12:51 The experts are learning from me again.
Speaker 2 00:12:53 <laugh>. Yes. So anyway, the being best friends with your partner can be a great way to, uh, develop this, this assumption of the best in them and have that positive that that positive lens and that positive mindset towards your partner.
Speaker 1 00:13:10 Yeah. I I really love that. It's that really positive mindset, that sort of overarching, they're on my team, they've got my back. So when the little niggly things that get to us do upset us in the moment, we don't try and make a mountain out of a mole who we realize, well, hey, we're all fallible. We, we treat people as the fallible humans. They are. And I love them. I and I respect them. And when they stuff up, well, they're human and everyone stuffs up. But I know we're on the same team. Yes. Yeah. And look, I think, so, you know, we talked about a deep connection. We talked about that positive sentiment overrid you assuming the best of someone, which you do with your friends. You, you assume your friends have always got, you know, your best intention in mind. Um, I think another thing is, is that what I remember is with your best friends is you just knew everything about them.
Speaker 1 00:13:56 And I think that's why it's so important for, you know, romantic relationship to be best friends with your partner because you do need to be attuned to your partner. This is another one of Gottman's, uh, big things, is that you, you need to understand all the little quirks, the strengths, the weaknesses, um, and understand who they are at their core. You know, through those dns through that testing, in that rift and repair. Like we used to know our best friends in high school. We sort of knew all the things that would upset them, the boys they liked, or this, that and the other. You know, we, we need to know that about our partners now. And of course, you know, we're with our partners for 5, 10, 20, 20 plus 30 years. You know, we're living our lives with them. And of course we always change. And so if you are not staying attuned to your partner, to your best friend and all their needs, then you're gonna start to, you're gonna start to make assumptions that the person they're now is still the person that they were. The things that light them up and fill them with joy, the things that upset them, the things that they want out of you will have changed. And if you're not attuned to that, if you're not asking the right questions or even just being quiet and noticing the right things about your partner, then you're gonna have that sort of disconnection and they're not gonna feel like they're your friend anymore. Oh,
Speaker 2 00:15:15 I love this. I think it's, it's such a great one. As your friendships grow, you know, uh, sorry. As you and your friends grow, so over time, so does the friendship, it evolves, right? And you, you learn, like if I look back, I mean, I'm very lucky. You are very lucky. We've had our, our, our core friends for like 25 plus years in a lot of instances. Uh, we went to school with them and, and you know, we know them deeply. We've watched them go through stages of life. We've watched them evolve as people, we've been part of those stages with them. And, and as a result we've attuned to them through the stages. They've had different needs, different priorities. There's different ways we've needed to interact to support them through those different stages of life. And that's the benefit of friendship. You want to do that because you love that person.
Speaker 2 00:16:03 You wanna be around them, you wanna care for them. That's what friendship cultivates. It cultivates those feelings of love and care and, and want to be around the person. And when you have that attunement, you can make the adjustments that continue to keep you connected. One of the biggest killers in a relationship is that sense of isolation and loneliness. Yeah. And what they're, what people are actually describing when they say I feel isolated or I feel lonely, is that person no longer knows me. Yeah. That person no longer understands me and they're not showing me in any way that they do. And when we have attunement, we have the opportunity to show consistently that we understand someone what they need. It's the little things you do for someone that you know is gonna mean something to them.
Speaker 1 00:16:48 Yeah. They're not the person I fell in love with. Well, no, because we're all changing. And so you need to continue to fall in love with that person again. And you do that by being attuned, by treating them as your best friend. So you are always, I guess, an expert in your partner. I think another great one, which is definitely something that you and I do, is we have a lot of shared interests. Not all of them. You don't come to the pub on a Sunday and watch the U F C with me. But you know, as we, as we get older, our resources are heavily stretched and time is a very scarce re resource when, when we've got kids and you've got work and you've got a mortgage and you've got all the activities and life chores that go along with that. So, so having a partner, your best friend who actually shares some of those common interests actually helps you spend more time with them and combine your time more efficiently.
Speaker 1 00:17:42 It also helps when you have shared interests because you are more likely to discuss things that you both care about, that you're both interested in, which means you're talking more. And as we know, talking is a skill, talking is a habit, and talking with your partner about anything can be quite difficult. But the more you talk, the better you get at it. And so if you are talking about things you are interested in, but both of you get that both light you up, you are more likely to talk about the other stuff in li in life instead of just, it's so hard to bond over the little mundane issues in life. The little, you know, household chores, which are important, they're the hygiene factors in life, but it's very hard to bond over the operational parts of life.
Speaker 2 00:18:24 Oh, I think that's such an important point. It does create more opportunities for bonding, you know, those really positive spaces where we get those hi chemicals that make us feel so good and connected to the person. And the great thing about being friends with someone is you are more willing. Like you don't have to, what you're saying, Roger isn't, you have to be both obsessed with golf or no, you know, both obsessed with something. The truth is, you and I do lots of activities together that one person's a little bit more into than the other. But because we are friends, we know we're gonna have a good time just like you would with a mate who's not your romantic partner. Would I go and, you know, I don't know, shoot basketball hoops with a friend if they asked me to probably 'cause I like the person and I know I'd have a laugh and have a good time. Do I shoot basketball hoops with anyone? Usually, no. But I, I mean, you and I do occasionally
Speaker 1 00:19:13 We play donkey sometimes, but
Speaker 2 00:19:15 That's exact, that's a great example. Well, you
Speaker 1 00:19:17 And I, you and I, funnily enough, what we do, what we do share is a love for doing anything outdoors. It doesn't matter what it is. And so then from that we sort of went, okay, it's not like we're kayaking experts, but there was a sale at B C F. And so we went and bought a couple of kayaks. Uh, you know, sometimes when our daughters at the park, she just loves to go and play by herself. So we bought a basketball from Kmart and we just shopped some hoops and play donkey. We'd go on walks, we go on bush hikes, we do all this because we love outgoing outdoors. Even though those individual activities we're not super passionate about on them, but our overarching interest of going outdoors and being outdoors, we then sort of start to go, Hey, what else can we do outdoors? And as a result, we spend a lot of time talking on those things. We spend a lot of time bonding on those things. And instead of spending time apart pursuing things that we are passionate about, we spend more time together. And again, you can still have your own individual pursuits, you can still have your own things, but it really does help if there are things that you enjoy doing together. Because in a busy world, it's a more efficient use of time. Yes.
Speaker 2 00:20:20 Good one. Alright, next thing that, uh, friendship offers to a relationship is it offers an opportunity for great communication experiences. When we talk to our friends, we, we talk differently. There's a sense of, uh, deep compassion and empathy. And I know, again, these things are present in a relationship, but having a friendship with the partner fosters them more easily. When we are, when we are friendly with someone, we are more inclined to be naturally empathic to them, to be more compassionate to them, to hear them from a place of love, to hear them from that positive place that we talked about before, from that place of, of assuming the best of that person. And that's so important when you wanna have deeper conversations, when you wanna have more meaningful conversations with someone. More open conversations. Because when you're a friend, it's easier to raise these deeper, more meaningful, more open conversations. You trust that person's got your back, you know, that person loves you. That's what friendship is. It's, it's a joyful want to be with that person as opposed to perhaps sometimes in a relationship, if you don't have friendship, feeling like you are with that person by virtue of the structure of the relationship, not necessarily because you wanna hang around that person or wanna do things with that person. And so, yeah, I think friendship brings a really excellent opportunity for great communication in a relationship.
Speaker 1 00:21:46 A hundred percent. And I think leading on from that, in terms of communication, well something that Kim and I do is we celebrate our wins and we celebrate joy and have, and have fun together a lot. Because in all honesty, one of the best ways to bond with your partner is through positive emotion. And I think sharing joy with your partner is probably one of the biggest ways to actually promote and grow a bond with your partner.
Speaker 2 00:22:14 Yeah, I love this. I mean, it's just a, a like a basic foundation of friendship, isn't it? That you wanna share the fun stuff with them, the gags, the, the really big successes, all of that good stuff, the just the funny little moments in life. And it is such a bonding experience for us. And it's also a tension, reliever friendship is a great way to relieve tension, you know? Oh yeah. <laugh>. Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 00:22:37 Oh yeah. <laugh>. Well, look, look, life's life's tough. Relationships are stressful. So being able to have a laugh and experience a joyful moment with each other really does. It pumps you with the endorphins. It pumps you with the oxytocin and all those stress chemicals that run through your body, through all the things that hit you hard in life. You know, they're, they're layered with that sort of, you know, joy and that love. And it can really, um, for an emotional and mental, uh, standpoint, it's actually really important.
Speaker 2 00:23:05 Oh, I like that. That's very good. All right. I know there's gonna be a few people out there who are saying, but friendships, you know, you're gonna get too codependent, blah, blah, blah, all that stuff I said at the start. So because we, we do like to consider the other side of conversations, even though I've just said blah, blah, blah, it is important to think about what people might be worried about. So let's talk about what some of the possible watch points could be for being best friends with your partner. Yep,
Speaker 1 00:23:30 That's right. There are some watch points. It's, we think you should be best friends with your partner, but you gotta make sure that you don't take them for granted. And I think that's, you know, I remember especially in that sort of middle part of our relationship after that first few years of passion, we probably got too comfortable with each other. And I know from my part is I never did anything romantic anymore in all the little sort of gestures, courtesies, little efforts I did at the start, the first few years of our relationship to make you feel good, to impress you to, to just give you that little spark of joy I just stopped doing. 'cause I was like, well, she knows she loves me. And I think that's something, you know, with our friends, we, we often do, because once they're your friends, they're your friends, you know, people often talk about with their friends, you know, maybe they live overseas, like, oh, we haven't seen each other in years. And then we picked up again, like old friends without having to actually really put any effort in between. I've got a few friends like that and we do. And it, and it's what, it's such a great experience, but you can't do that with your romantic partner.
Speaker 2 00:24:35 Yeah. So romantic relationships, uh, don't just require fun and shared secrets. They, they do require romance and passion. You're a hundred percent right, Raji. And sometimes when we get too caught in that friendship state, we can fail to see that. We also need to be spontaneous and intimate in a more romantic way. What is another watch point that we've got? Familiarity can cause a sense of, uh, loss of mystery. So mystery and intrigue, you know, that can create some of those fun, uh, uh, hormones and, and chemicals in the body that get us a little bit tingly and excited. You know, we have the butterfly sort of feeling. And that can be actually really helpful in a relationship. When you've been best friends for a long time like us, Roger, sometimes you lose that sense of mystery and you do lose and miss. And you know, that's when people maybe a couple of years into the relationship and say, I'm missing the excitement.
Speaker 2 00:25:32 I'm missing the, you know, all of the unknown at the beginning. That was the butterflies and all the rest of it. And it is true that naturally wanes, uh, over time anyway from, from the changing chemicals in our system. But we do need to hold that in in mind. How are we keeping the mystery alive when we've moved on from that initial phase? And we might have moved into a really strong friendship zone. So how do we also keep the mystery in the relationship going? There are ways, obviously to think about how to keep newness in the relationship. You know, that's a great way to bring mystery into the relationship. And even what you were saying before, Roger, like, this might sound funny to people, but we'd never kayaked. That's a newness that is actually was a mystery to us. How would that feel going out together? And we giggled like schoolchildren when we were out the first time,
Speaker 1 00:26:23 We got to see the world from a different point of view, from the point of view of the river in Perth as opposed to the footpaths where you're looking down, down at the river.
Speaker 2 00:26:31 Yeah. And we laughed at like how far the kayaks was sinking when we got in and you know, we mine
Speaker 1 00:26:36 A bit more than yours,
Speaker 2 00:26:37 <laugh>. We had lots of laughs. It was, it was a new thing. And so we made sure that we were bringing that mystery into the relationship as well.
Speaker 1 00:26:44 Yeah. And what we're saying there is, it is a bit of a mindset understanding that you do need a bit of novelty and fun and passion in your relationship. Uh, while with your friends, you know, might just be, have been going to the same pub for the last 20 years to have a beer or something like that, talking about the same stuff because you just enjoy their company. Right? Um, and you love them 'cause they are your friends. While in a romantic relationship, you do need to keep a bit of novelty. You do need to give those chemicals that, you know, spark the passion a bit of a help along.
Speaker 2 00:27:15 And I guess that brings us to another thing, which is you don't wanna stagnate, as you know, as a couple at all best friends, whilst we've said best friends do grow together, they can stay very much in a, in a, uh, what do you call it, an echo chamber sort of space where they just back each other no matter what. They don't question each other.
Speaker 1 00:27:36 You become a yes man or you're just not challenging each other. So I think from
Speaker 2 00:27:41 A place of comfort, it's not a negative thing, but
Speaker 1 00:27:43 No, it's just like, yeah, yeah, okay, you can do that. Oh yeah, no, I, I guess that's okay. Where you are. Um, you know, you're like roommates instead of, uh, instead of romantic partners. You know, I don't think we've ever really had that problem because you've always challenged me, <laugh>, <laugh>. Um, while I sometimes didn't challenge you enough, uh, which is not saying, which is more I think a problem I had where I was like, I'll just go with the flow. But really I just wasn't taking accountability of my life and what I wanted out of you, let alone out of myself. So, you know, challenging each other and, you know, using that rift and repair is actually a really key part of your, of growth in your relationship, um, as an individual and as a couple. So lastly, uh, a loss of intimacy is also a watch point.
Speaker 1 00:28:33 So when you become best friends, uh, perhaps, and as we talked about, there's a bit of stagnation and a loss of, um, novelty in the relationship, you might not feel as intimate towards your partner anymore. And I know that there's a lot of people who, who, who do feel this way. Um, and so you do need to keep the excitement going. Uh, you know, and it isn't just about sex, it is actually more about that emotional connection. I mean, sex isn't just a physical act, you know, but it is a way that we emotionally bond and reaffirm our connection. So sex is important, but you do need to go through those steps of emotional foreplay, um, emotional connection before you can get there. And so that's why it's so important not to, I guess, fall into
Speaker 2 00:29:21 Your truck, just be best buddies,
Speaker 1 00:29:22 Not just to be best buddies. Yeah. Right.
Speaker 2 00:29:24 I a hundred percent I completely agree that it's an important differentiator. And one of the watch points. And whilst we've like given you four, four or five watch points there, I would say these are just watch points. The, the overarching sentiment of this podcast is absolutely be best friends with your partner. All of the research, and particularly Gottman's, which is we've explained in another podcast. He's, he is the guru in this space. He has the most research around relationships and what makes them successful and what makes the likelihood of their success low. So he has watched relationships for years. He has a love lab where he studies couples and he is very clear that friendship is an extremely important predictor for a successful relationship. If you have a good friendship, a really solid friendship, it is a, a, a predictor of a, a high likelihood of a successful relationship. And that, that to me, in and of itself is, is such important evidence and support for why you should become best friends with your partner.
Speaker 2 00:30:33 The other thing I would say is don't be afraid of making your partner your best friend, whilst people out there will tell you. And that we've had the naysayers who have told us, <laugh>, you get too intertwined with your partner. You're too this, too that Roger and I have a very successful relationship, as we always say, life has gotten harder for us, significantly harder in the last few years. And we are happier than ever. That's because our relationship is built on incredible foundations. Most couples who, who are dealing with the stresses in life that we've dealt with, going through those phases. When life gets harder, the relationship gets harder. We know how privileged we are that when life got harder, we got happier. And we know why. It's because we've, we have these incredible foundations. And I'm categoric in saying that one of the most important foundations we have is our friendship.
Speaker 1 00:31:32 I love you.
Speaker 2 00:31:33 I love you too. What was your nugget out of today? Rogie?
Speaker 1 00:31:36 It was actually about shared activities. And you know, you and I talk about active dates a lot, but it's an efficient use of resources. You don't have to share and love all the same activities as each other. But there's a good chance that if you are together and you've been together for a while, there are some things that you do like to do together and you should double down into it, lean into it, and do more of it because it's an efficient use of time. Uh, you'll get talking more and you'll start to get to know each other better.
Speaker 2 00:32:08 So I'm gonna piggyback off that and say, mine is that you like spending time with the person. So those activities, for example, don't have to be perfectly what you wanna do. That's why we do so many weird different things together. 'cause we just know we wanna hang out together. We'll have fun no matter what. And when you like spending time with your partner, you are just building so much, so many good characteristics. You're, you're bonding with the person, you're connecting with the person, you're also building up that that assumption that they're a good person, that positive sentiment override we talked about.
Speaker 1 00:32:45 You are amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
Speaker 2 00:32:49 Feel out you're on a roll. If you want more living, the team life, relationship, insights and conversations, head over to Kim and roger.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
Speaker 1 00:32:59 And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
Speaker 2 00:33:07 Until next time, keep on living the team life.
