Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Are you and your partner stuck in that same old loop, snapping over small things, circling around the same topics and wondering how you got here again? Well, you're not alone. Most couples don't fight about what they think they're fighting about. It's rarely the dishes or the phone or the tone of what was said. It's the deeper stuff underneath that never quite gets said. And instead of talking about what's really going on, we end up niggling, poking and protecting ourselves, hoping the other person will notice what we're really trying to say. I miss you. I. I need you. Do you still need me? In this episode, we're unpacking why couples fall into that dance of frustration and defensiveness and how to break the pattern before it takes over. And we'll share our go to reset. One simple shift that helps you move from tension to teamwork and getting back to feeling like you're on the same side again.
[00:00:55] Speaker B: People were always telling us, you guys are such a team. And we began to realise this just isn't the case for most couples.
[00:01:02] Speaker A: But we knew from our own experience, experience of turning our relationship into a team, that change isn't just possible, it's inevitable. All you need is a little direction.
[00:01:10] Speaker B: So that's what we do on this show. We steer you in the right direction. We keep it simple. We show you why relationship struggles show up and how you can start changing your relationship today.
[00:01:20] Speaker A: And we bring the good stuff by turning information from leading relationship experts and evidence based research into easy to understand skills and tools that anyone can use.
[00:01:29] Speaker B: We also share insights from our own 23 years of experience together. And we chat with some incredible couples who offer their wisdom on relationships.
[00:01:36] Speaker A: If a better relationship is what you want, then get comfy, whatever tickles your pickle. As we prepare to dive into all things team.
[00:01:43] Speaker B: We're Kim and Rog and this is the Living the Team Life podcast.
[00:01:52] Speaker A: Well, Kim and I have been recently niggling and sniping at each other a bit and not really giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
And when I did a bit of a deep dive into how we've been, I guess treating each other and interacting and this, I know this communication pattern we're in, I, you know, we're obviously a bit stressed. Everyone's feeling a bit like this. There's all this sickness going around, this like two to three week cough which our little ones had. Kim's had.
I've got, I've got a light. One of, it's definitely, it's definitely there.
[00:02:29] Speaker B: The man version. Yeah, the man there. You can't see it, hear it, or notice it in any real way, but it exists in your head.
[00:02:37] Speaker A: It's definitely there.
[00:02:38] Speaker B: And, and.
[00:02:43] Speaker A: Everyone'S feeling this, especially on the lead up to Christmas.
You know, you've only got so much to do before everything shuts down and you can, I guess, enjoy yourself a little bit. But on this deep dive, I realized one thing that Kim and I haven't been doing is we haven't been doing our walk and talks. This is a ritual for Kim and I. We go to a little, you know, we walk and talk everywhere. Walk and talk along the beach, around Lakes Kings park, near the cbd. But there's also. We've got this little place which is sort of like a bush track, which we go to almost weekly. You gets the heart rate up a little bit, but we can still have a. Have a good talk. And it's just where we nut out life together. And it goes for an hour, like an hour of talk properly every week. And because I recently had surgery or literally wasn't able to do that, and I think, I think that was one of the reasons. And anyway, we had a massive blow up as we do.
We are firecrackers.
And actually we're pretty good. We've been pretty good sits.
But we, you know, the importance of the walk and talk cannot be denied.
The importance of talking to your partner as much as you can, cannot be denied. Otherwise, what happens is you slip into this nickel. You slip into this behavior of sniping each other, this pattern of sniping each other. And, and, and it's, and it just, it's just a horrible place to be in.
[00:04:07] Speaker B: Yeah, so that, that's actually from a couple of weeks ago. We were in that place and we're okay now.
[00:04:12] Speaker A: That's why we're doing the podcast.
[00:04:14] Speaker B: Good.
Who knows what the afternoon will bring? But no, no, we, we did. We had that, that pattern go on for a couple of weeks of just disintegrating into that niggling behavior.
And one of the reasons I think it got there was we weren't walking and talking, which is part of our, out of our, part of our ritual for sure. And look, there is another way to end those giant disputes, and that is have a massive blow up like we did. Don't recommend that. Not the funnest. But we got to the end of that blow up, I will say, and literally looked at each other and started laughing at the ridiculousness of the whole situation, which is we're both on the same team. We're both just trying to get through. We know we've been unwell. I mean really behind all of this for us has definitely been just a horrendous spate of illness that's just left us both feeling very depleted. And again, we've, we've talked before about when we get depleted, we naturally go inward.
[00:05:18] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:05:19] Speaker B: And even though we've done years of work, we are still always working on our relationship. We are humans who are naturally flawed just like everyone else. We get pulled into old patterns, we fall into old patterns when we're struggling. And you know, behind this was obviously this exhaustion and this, this sense of being run down.
And yeah, we got pulled into that two weeks of, of just good old fashioned niggling that for us because we couldn't go for a walk and talk health wise, you know, with your surgery, it was been, it's been very difficult to move at all.
We instead opted for the big blow up. And yes, at the end of it, you and I literally just stood there laughing at each other. Which is how any sort of larger argument goes for us because we're so connected to our values.
We know in our souls that what's being said here is just ridiculous.
[00:06:14] Speaker A: You almost can't, you can't help it. It's like you're an automation.
You know that that reptilian part of your brain just takes over and this is this, the, this, this circular pattern, this ongoing pattern that's so, this cycle that's so hard to break. This is what, this is what happens until it escalates up. And for us, I think because we've done so much work, it will often escalate up into a blow up and then we'll be okay again. And it's not like we'll blow up again the next day. Like funnily enough, almost instantly the niggling stopped, the cycle stopped. But again it, it, you can say some, we've said some hurtful things to each other and it emotionally takes a huge toll on you for days afterwards.
[00:06:53] Speaker B: I think, I think that what we're trying to say, Roggie, is the walk is a far better option than heading towards the blow up. And, and we have an incredible rebound from blow ups because again, we don't take them super seriously. We know how just a reflection of our current emotional state. They really are just a momentary emotional state and not, not a reflection. But you're right, they take a bigger toll. So that's our cautionary tale today, is really don't Head down that path because there is a better option when you find yourself at the back end and it's often a couple of weeks, I feel like it builds for sometimes longer, but you get that nice buildup over sort of 14 days of frustration where you have to make a choice of how am I going to handle this? To move forward.
[00:07:42] Speaker A: Yeah. And how. And what, and what you hear about soon is this can, this can be an ongoing thing for a lot of couples where they might even never have that big blow up or they might have multiple blow ups, but it doesn't break the cycle of the niggling and the nagging and the sniping and. And it becomes quite toxic and almost becomes a way of communicating and connecting and engaging with your partner.
[00:08:04] Speaker B: Well, let's talk a bit more about that. Why couples go around in these circles and end up niggling instead of getting into the real issue. So most couples don't fight about what they actually think they're fighting about. So they think they're fighting about the item in front of them, which can be the washing or the tone of something that someone requested or said. You know, the, the looking at the phone, whatever the issue is, these are really just proxies for something that's happening underneath the surface.
So rather than putting those real issues on the table, even trying to delve into them yourself and figure out why you're actually so frustrated, for example, we get caught in the same loop, circling around the issue without ever really landing on it. And John and Julie Gottman call these perpetual problems, these underlying themes of conflict that come from a deeper difference sometimes in personality. Perhaps a deeper difference in values or a really, really common one is a difference in emotional needs. And what one person needs to feel met in the emotional space versus another.
And because we never really dig into those things ourselves, let alone dig into them with our partner. You know, the sort of thing where you might say, I feel unseen or I need to feel like we're a team.
We end up sparring over the symptoms, which is, I'm getting more agitated with you because you being on your phone represents that we're not a team in this situation. And it's a representation of the deeper issue. But I'm going to niggle at you on the phone in particular.
And that's why I think a lot of these sort of niggling battles can feel so confusing and hopeless because.
Because we're not actually looking inward and figuring out what the issue is. It can feel like this is just never going to stop. It's just a perpetual cycle that we're going through. And it is a perpetual cycle. You keep repeating the same behaviors because you're not dealing with the actual issue that's underpinning them and the feelings that are really going on under there. And we end up in this, this sort of familiar dance with our partner, which we, which we often just fall into a small comment, a sigh, a tone, and then suddenly you're moving in sync together to this old rhythm of conflict, of back and forth, of niggling, of defensiveness. And it's, it's a dance that couples strangely become really familiar with and actually fit into quite nicely. It becomes a pattern of comfort, if you will.
[00:10:47] Speaker A: Yeah, everyone knows the, the moves, the steps to this dance, don't they? And it's not a happy dance. It's, it's not.
[00:10:54] Speaker B: Isn't the chicken dance.
[00:10:55] Speaker A: It's not the chicken dance. You know where you did it?
No.
[00:11:00] Speaker B: What would be a sad dance? Music theme Rudge.
[00:11:03] Speaker A: I always think of the Star wars emperor.
[00:11:08] Speaker B: No, that's what you play when you see me sometimes.
[00:11:10] Speaker A: That used to be my ringtone for you when we were young.
Luckily, we don't have them anymore.
[00:11:15] Speaker B: What happened to personalized ringtones? Were great.
[00:11:17] Speaker A: I don't know why they don't have them anymore.
[00:11:19] Speaker B: They were fantastic. I remember one friend had, had like the sirens for their mum.
[00:11:24] Speaker A: That was Bruce.
[00:11:25] Speaker B: No, no, it was another girlfriend.
[00:11:26] Speaker A: Okay, all right, that's funny.
[00:11:28] Speaker B: Shout out. Shout out to Bruce.
[00:11:30] Speaker A: Shout out to Br.
Yeah, look, and the truth is, babe, that, you know, we, we fall into this unhappy dance and that, that underlying thing, it's, it's real because we're not really that upset about our partner not doing the, not, not mowing the lawn or the pile up of washing, you know, that's been left, you know, that, that's not what's really driving the wedge between you. You know, more often, both partners are sort of feeling a hurt or other feelings underneath.
But the truth is it just almost feels easier to be outwardly irritated with our partner than it is to be vulnerable with them. You know, it's safer to make a snide comment about someone who's been working late than say, I'm scared. You don't care as much about us as I do.
That's how couples fall into the habits of niggling with each other because it's safe. It's a safer form of reaching out. It's a safe form of trying to connect. You know, it's like we're Trying to fish, fish to see if our other partner will recognize that in our little jab, in our little snipe, they'll actually understand. This is a search for connection.
It's a search to be seen. And as Esther Perel says, criticism is often just a clumsy expression of longing.
So what that means is when you want to feel close but you don't know how to ask, you start to poke and complain.
You say things like you never listen or you're always on your phone, you start to take pot shots. Then they start to get defensive and, and that's where the unhappy dance comes in. Because it's not that you want to fight, you actually just want to be noticed. No one, no one likes fighting.
They're throwing out those bits of connection we often talk about.
But the problem happens is that when this back and forth, that this niggling goes on and on and you can't break the cycle, when it happens for days, weeks, months, it's, it actually becomes ingrained and it becomes a default communication style. And so the jabs actually replace genuine bids of connection, genuine conversation starters. And that frustration becomes a language of connection. And over time that's not just damaging to the long term health and stability of the relationship. It also, it also really impacts the emotional ecosystem of the home.
Because if you've got the mum and dad, for example, the husband and wife constantly sniping at each other, well, it's that, that sort of friction, even if at first it's very not light, but it doesn't have that, that deep damaging tone yet. It's more like a death, death by a thousand cuts. But your kids notice, you know, they notice how you speak and respond to each other. They notice that they, the way adults in a relationship communicate with each other is through little snipes. That's how you get connection. And that's a blueprint for how they'll see relationships in the future as well.
[00:14:29] Speaker B: Yeah, I think there's really two things you're sort of highlighting there, Roggie, that cause this to continue in the way. So the way that it does in relationships and become sort of a perpetual issue.
And the first thing is the big one, which is it's terrifying. It's terrifying to come out and say what we really need. Humans are so hardwired to avoid anything that could hurt them, just literally. And as we've spoken about before, mental hurt is just like physical hurt for people. Emotional hurt feels like physical hurt. And so if you're whole system, your being, your inner being is Wired to avoid hurt.
And you want to step into vulnerability, which is a higher risk space.
Your being is going to fight you on that. It's going to say, let's avoid that risk if we can. And I mean, this all happens so fast in the background. We don't even. This is our subconscious, this is our, our nervous system doing this work for us. We don't even get a choice in this.
And that's why bringing awareness into your life is such a powerful tool. And I talk about this because the first break point for anything is actually noticing what's happening. What I'm describing now is a noticing that, oh, I'm not actually saying what I mean here.
I'm not actually saying what I want here. And then there's a deeper level of unpacking why that occurs, which is what we're sort of talking about here, which is that that vulnerability is really about stepping into a space that is uncomfortable for our being. Our being would like to lower risk at all times in life, Every moment of every day. Our being would like to lower risk.
And so that's the big. That's the big, whatever you want to call it, rock in this situation is that vulnerability requires risk. Humans are not wired that way. The therefore, you're going to have to get very aware that you need to take that risk to progress forward. As everybody knows, no risk, no reward.
This is a truth of life. No risk, no reward. You need to risk being vulnerable if you want to grow in your relationship. There is simply no cheat or workaround to growth.
It's just vulnerability because you. To grow, you're going to have to put yourself in uncomfortable spaces. We live in a world where we have like a comfort zone that circles usually things that are easy. And then if we want to grow, we have to step out of that comfort zone, which is in the risk space. So you're going to have to do that if you want to grow as a couple. And that sort of brings me to the second thing that's happening here so that people can bring awareness to this in their own situation. Because if we want to, again, if we want to make change, we have to be aware of what's happening. The second thing is what you described as, well there, Rogie, which is we continue in these patterns because they become familiar. This might sound really crazy to people, but again, on the theme of humans wanting to avoid discomfort, which is what we're very good at because we're always just. It's not, it sounds so.
It sounds so deliberate when I say Avoid discomfort, but it's not that deliberate. It's how we're wired. It's not that we're bad people who aren't brave enough to take on discomfort. It's literally just our biology trying to protect us. As a result, what we'll actually do is stay in things and discomfort that is familiar.
So not just avoid the risk of the new space, but we actually.
It's just crazy to think we actually find comfort in the familiar, even if it's bad for us. And I think that is quite mind blowing to really stop and think about.
Humans will seek out things that are not good for them just because it's familiar. Because familiar to us feels safer than unfamiliar.
[00:18:34] Speaker A: Yeah, and I love how Terry Real sums this up. He says familiar misery feels safer than unfamiliar joy.
[00:18:42] Speaker B: Familiar misery feels safer than unfamiliar joy.
I mean, it just takes this podcast to a whole nother level. And I don't want to start philosophizing, maybe I do, but that is exactly what I've been describing. And it is one of the saddest parts of the human condition, I think.
[00:19:07] Speaker A: Personally, because, because they'll probably start to realize, yeah, this, this pattern, my, my partner and I, it has become comfortable, even though it's uncomfortable. But compared to actually having a big conversation with my partner, well, it's a lot, it's a lot easier. That seems way too daunting or the word you used was terrifying.
[00:19:29] Speaker B: Yeah, I think what, what, what I'm. What I was trying to get to in, in that, in that scenario explanation as well is to help people to understand that, that to make this change, you're going to have to be really deliberate. You're going to have to bring your awareness to it, and you're going to have to want to make the change. You're going to have to change that pattern deliberately. Right?
So I think here a nice way to think about this is we're trying to change a habit.
We're trying to change a habit. And as we've talked about and talk about in our course at at length is understanding how habits are changed. Because that's really what human behavior is, right? All of it. When it becomes regular, it's just a habit. And so when we want to change a habit, especially when I've said that's quite difficult to change for multiple reasons, as you and I have outlined, when we want to change that habit, we want to start with the lowest barrier to entry that we have to overcome. Because changing a habit is hard.
[00:20:33] Speaker A: That first step is. The first step is the hardest. It's like we always say, any new habit, any new sport, or any. Anything you want to start, the first step is starting. But that's the hardest step of all.
Momentum is what breeds success. Momentum is how you. You get into that new habit. But that. That start is tough. So that's what we're going to talk about today. How do we start getting vulnerable with our partner? How do we start talking about the hard stuff?
And I think what most people do, and we know this because we used to do it, and this is the feedback we get, is most people, when they think, I need to have this conversation, I need to bring something up with my partner, they need to go, okay, we need to sit down and have a big relationship talk.
But the problem is they don't set themselves up for success. And this often backfires.
What they do is they go, oh, let's go sit in a familiar place. Sit face to face. But when you do this, straight away, you feel tense, you feel adversarial. Especially guys. Guys feel very adversarial when you're sitting face to face from them or they feel like one of them's about. One of you is about to get told off, right?
And so straight away from the start, you're on guard.
Before you even start talking, you're worrying about what. What's going up. So your walls are up. You're almost just waiting for this. This siege, this war to begin.
So what actually works better, which is something Kim and I have probably talked about on this podcast from day one, and we're going to go through it, of why it's so important here, is to get your bodies regulated so your brains can follow.
And a good way to do this is being side by side with your partner instead of face to face.
Get your body moving instead of being still.
Head in the same direction and get in sync.
This is actually a scientifically proven method, but it's simple and it's a surefire way to set up a conversation for success.
And so the next time, instead of saying your partner, hey, babe, we need to talk, try instead, hey, babe, we need to walk.
[00:22:37] Speaker B: I just love this. It's such a. It's such a simple and effective way to start. Step one. So we've said step one, hardest step to take, right? There's so many literal and figurative things going on here.
[00:22:51] Speaker A: First step, take your first step.
[00:22:56] Speaker B: You know, the stress and tension are building. Your nervous system is on high alert. The last thing your brain or your body wants is to be confronted with just more Words, just bombarded with stuff it has to process and deal with in the stressful environment it's just been in.
So exactly what you said, Roggie. Move, get moving, get out of the house, get outside. I mean, the benefits of walking are just numerous. There's so many things that you can list for walking. It's not just being outside in nature, which calms your system. It's not just moving your body, which helps to lower your stress levels. It's not just standing side by side, rather than front to front. And that adversarial state, it's so many things that can help you. So we're saying today, step one, just go for a walk. Just grab your shoes, and it's as simple as literally pause right now. Let's go for a walk. Let's go for a walk. Let's not talk about this anymore until we're out walking. And grab your shoes, grab your hat, out the door. It doesn't even have to be a big walk. It's really about understanding that if you take that first step, you will be on a path towards where you want to go.
Taking that first step, otherwise, very, very difficult, almost impossible for it to come off well, given the gravity of what you're trying to ask yourself to do, which is be vulnerable and ask your partner to do, which is receive your vulnerability in the environment you were already in, which has got all of these patterns and negativity built up around it. So get out, get walking. Your bodies will begin to calm and sink naturally once you start actually moving. And for men who tend to shut down or stonewall, this is actually a really great option because it feels more like a team activity than a confronting activity.
[00:24:51] Speaker A: Yeah, and this is the, you know, babe, we need to have a talk straight away. Oh. Oh, no. Oh, geez. What's this going to be about? Instead of, babe, let's go for a walk. It's like, oh, I can do that. I could. I can go for a walk. But. But once you are on the walk, you got to remember to start soft. You know, you got to warm up the conversation. So in that first hundred meters, don't hit him with the heavy stuff. Okay? You got to start light easing with warmth, reassurance, and intent. Also have a think about your tone. Be aware of how you're approaching this. And remember, you know, if you're starting to build up a bit of a, you know, a bit of a pat, because maybe you're walking up a little hill or maybe you're not as super fit as you should be. That's. That's okay. You're out there walking. You're doing what you should be doing.
Just, Just, you know, make sure you start to breathe and make sure that your. Your tone is one that invites conversation in. And here's a note, babe, I know we keep butting heads lately, and I know we don't mean to because we've just got so much going on. You know, I love you and I just want to sort us out. I know we can do this together.
[00:25:59] Speaker B: Gives me all the feels that one.
[00:26:01] Speaker A: This isn't about solving the problem yet. This is about reestablishing the goodwill between the both you. This is about ensuring that if your partner's defenses are up, they start to come down or they stay down if they're already down.
[00:26:15] Speaker B: Yeah. It's a really nice way to establish intent and allow your partner to. To feel safer in the conversation. To feel like we're kicking off from a space of us, not I. And that's so lovely. You know, you want to keep it light as you proceed through the conversation too. You don't want to be blaming or saying to someone. You always. You don't want to be lecturing them. You need to think of this conversation as testing the bridge, not storming the castle. And I think that's a really important way of. If you step out onto a little.
Everyone's probably walked on a suspension bridge at some point in their life. You, you don't step onto it and just start bolting up the suspension bridge, do you? The suspension bridge is a little rocky. It's a little unsure. You're going to like, tiptoe out onto that bad boy.
[00:27:07] Speaker A: Slow, steady steps.
[00:27:07] Speaker B: Slow, steady. Even halfway along, you're going to be like, is this thing still going to hold me? Think about it like that. You're in a bit of a fragile state. You're both wounded. You're both in the suspension bridge environment.
So just continue with awareness for the environment, awareness for the other people on the bridge and how you guys are going to proceed and work together to get across the bridge. You know, when you want to progress the conversation, remember that the aim is to express what's underneath the pattern. The longing, not the accusation, not the frustration that you're feeling. You're not going to fix the whole problem in this one conversation. You're opening the door gently to vulnerability to teamwork, and you want it to stay open.
That's where you want to feel in that conversation. Your. Your.
Your supporting things to head towards further open conversation.
[00:28:04] Speaker A: Yeah. And you can say things like. You can bring up the. You can start to bring up the hard topic during this point. You can say things like, hey, can I share something that's been on my mind just to understand each other better?
And then, you know, lately I've been noticing we're sniping at each other more.
And I think it's because we're both stressed and I know we don't mean to do it, but is there something that's playing on your mind that we can talk about?
[00:28:32] Speaker B: It's so beautiful because, you know, when you say, lately I've noticed we're sniping more, you know, I think it's because we're both stressed. I know we don't mean to. It's taking that collective approach, that real team approach.
And, you know, this is a team issue. Let's approach it as a team.
[00:28:50] Speaker A: There's no accusation there.
[00:28:52] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, you know, one of the foundations of what we teach here, here is that we want to nurture the relationship itself. And this really comes from a. This is a relationship issue. It's not you, it's not me, but it is affecting the relationship, and we want to help the relationship. Our job is to nurture our relationship as its own identity, its own unit. And I love that what you give the example there, Roger, does, that it really stays focused on the relationship concept and the idea of being the unit and that the unit needs to be protected.
[00:29:23] Speaker A: Yeah. This is a team problem that we need to solve together. And yes, you're not going to have these brilliant conversations straight away. There's going to be ups and downs. You might end up in a little mini rift again, but you'll find, because you continue to walk, and if you're still far enough away from home, you will start to work this out. There might be a bit of silence, but then you can actually try to lean in again because you've actually got your bodies doing the work to. And the walk doing the work to bring down that sort of heightened sense that often doesn't go away when you're in a room together, facing each other. And it's very. A lot harder for one person to stonewall and walk away as well. You do. So you are guarded against that. So once you've had these tough conversations, remember, we always like to circle back and bring it back to the team.
It's really important that you reaffirm the great work you've just done, because that's what good teams do. On the sports field, someone kicks a goal or there's a win, or even in a loss, they get around each other.
[00:30:23] Speaker B: I think that's the big thing, isn't it? Even in a loss, they say, what. What did we take out of this week? What did we do well? Yes. What did we. What's. What's wrong? But what if we do well here?
[00:30:33] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:34] Speaker B: Because we are a unit and we want to gee ourselves up. We want to give ourselves the momentum to go forward.
[00:30:38] Speaker A: Yeah. And, you know, maybe there's a way, you know, if you do have that loss, you can. You can bridge it and you can think of a way that goes, hey, there's a bit of light at the end of the tunnel here. So you might say to each other, what's something we could do this week for us that makes us feel more like a team again? You know, be proactive and, you know, name, name, name the issues in terms of the stress. It's like, well, babe, we're being so worn down by the world right now. What's something we can do together? Even small. To get back in sync? Problem solved. Together, open.
What you do is constantly opening up the floor to the other person for a solution.
[00:31:19] Speaker B: Yeah. These are great ways to really reinforce the team and give each other a little pat on the back or a pat on the butt and say, we've got this together, we've got this. Even if things are hard, we've got this and we're a team.
The last thing I'd say as a hint from us is, you know, if you want to make these walks even more effective, if you want to be like Rog and I in terms of. Not if you want to be like Roger and I. It's something that Rog and I have evolved. If you, you know, and we can tell you from experience, is that if you actually do these walks regularly, your brain will much faster go to repair when you say, let's go for a walk, because it already knows. It's honestly like if we're in an argument and one says, let's go for a walk, you feel relaxed immediately. You haven't even.
[00:32:11] Speaker A: We know we're going to sort this out now. Like, we can see it and the brain knows, right?
[00:32:15] Speaker B: Like, it's felt it before and it's. It remembers that feeling. It knows what's coming. And so you. What we're saying here is if you make this a ritual, if you make this a regular thing, you'll build a really beautiful pattern around the positive behavior. So we started this talking about negative patterns. This is a positive behavior pattern, so. So you'll start this lovely positive behavior pattern, and that will cue your brain faster and faster. As soon as you say that word walk, your brain's gonna be like, yeah, okay. We're gonna be okay. I'm gonna drop my guard a little bit. So each time you walk and talk, you're really helping your nervous system to remember, your brain to remember.
This is good for me. I'm in a good, safe space. I'm gonna be okay.
[00:33:00] Speaker A: You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your own relationship.
[00:33:03] Speaker B: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:33:14] Speaker A: And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:33:22] Speaker B: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
