Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: You know those small moments that catch you off guard, like when your partner skips ahead on the show you were watching together or heads out with their friends and forgets to mention that it was actually a whole of group event, including partners. They're not huge, but they still sting. Because underneath it all, what we're really feeling in those moments is rejection. And what we're really craving is to feel safe, seen and loved. In this episode, we're talking about why those moments matter, how to understand what's really going on beneath the surface and better ways to handle them so that you can flip the script on those feelings, move through the rejection and create a genuine moment of connection.
People were always telling us, you guys are such a team. And we began to realise this just isn't the case for most couples.
[00:00:50] Speaker B: But we knew from our own experience of turning our relationship into a team that change isn't just possible, but is inevitable. All you need is a little direction.
[00:00:59] Speaker A: So that's what we do on this show. We steer you in the right direction. We keep it simple. We show you why relationship struggles show up and how you can start changing your relationship today.
[00:01:09] Speaker B: And we bring the good stuff by turning information from leading relationship experts and evidence based research into easy to understand skills and tools that anyone can use.
[00:01:18] Speaker A: We also share insights from our own 23 years of experience together and and we chat with some incredible couples who offer their wisdom on relationships.
[00:01:25] Speaker B: If a better relationship is what you want, then get comfy, whatever tickles your pickle. As we prepare to dive into all things team.
[00:01:32] Speaker A: We're Kim and Rog and this is the Living the Team Life podcast.
Quite a while ago now, but it's something that comes to mind recently when we were discussing some themes.
Roger went out with his mates, which he often does, for a catch up, which is great.
But then when he came home he told me that some of the, some of the wives were there and my response was, why wasn't I invited?
And then a little discussion ensued.
And I'm not gonna lie, my sense was I'd been a little rejected and it hurt my feelings.
And so I thought I'd bring it to the podcast because we wanted to talk about rejection and the fact that it can show up in really small moments. This wasn't a big deal and it didn't end up being a big deal, but it did.
[00:02:35] Speaker B: I didn't end up.
It was fine in the. Well, I'm fine.
[00:02:42] Speaker A: We're fine.
[00:02:43] Speaker B: Yeah, we're fine. So I think that's the golden rule, isn't it with guys that when, when your partner says something's fine, it's not fine.
So it's not a big deal now at the time it wasn't a big deal, but it was a deal.
[00:02:56] Speaker A: Yeah, I was just a little surprised, a little, little hurt.
And you said. I can't remember what you said. Actually, I think you said we had a little discussion about it that would have some would maybe call it an argument about it because you were a little bit defensive about the fact that I'd raised it, which was fair enough.
But in my head I was like, I was thinking, you've missed the point.
You haven't considered me. And not just that. The thing that really got my goat, now that I'm getting back into it.
[00:03:33] Speaker B: Why are we doing this podcast episode again?
[00:03:35] Speaker A: Now I'm really thinking about it. The thing that really got my goat was the sense that the other partners had thought of their wives hadn't. And that sense.
[00:03:46] Speaker B: Or the. Or the other husbands.
[00:03:48] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:48] Speaker A: That really got my going.
[00:03:51] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, no, yeah, well, it was supposed to be a boy's catch up. And like often happens. Not often, but sometimes happens. You know, one of the wives have it. Sometimes that's you. Like it's just one of those things. Or it's a misleading.
[00:04:03] Speaker A: They don't get told to come along.
[00:04:06] Speaker B: Because guys are useless. But yeah, you were, you weren't happy, you were upset and you felt rejected.
So that you know, and that's the theme of today's podcast. But I also have felt rejected in the past.
This is not a one way street. And I think this is the funny thing today.
[00:04:21] Speaker A: Oh, this is just rejection alley.
[00:04:23] Speaker B: Is it? Yes, rejection. This is a two way rejection alley.
But I have also been rejected and this one I think will sting a lot of. A lot of people on both sides of the sexes.
[00:04:37] Speaker A: Oh yeah, this has got depth.
[00:04:39] Speaker B: Is definitely a new age thing. This is only perhaps happened in the last 10, 10 years where it's really become a thing, you know, because I guess way back in the day it was more the Sopranos and stuff like that really kick this stuff off or lost. And then more recently people will have.
[00:04:55] Speaker A: No idea what you're talking about.
[00:04:56] Speaker B: Game of Thrones this is. I'm giving them a Runway. I'm leading in.
[00:05:00] Speaker A: It's when one you started halfway up the Runway.
[00:05:05] Speaker B: Gain speed quickly, babe.
[00:05:08] Speaker A: And so what this is your favorite way to tell a story. Halfway into the story. I'll have absolutely no idea what's going on.
[00:05:15] Speaker B: Yeah, but you're Hanging on the edge.
[00:05:16] Speaker A: Of the street I hang on time Waiting for more clues.
[00:05:20] Speaker B: The best thing is to not reflect about it too much afterwards.
So this is. This happens to everyone is when you're binging a good new series together, and then all of a sudden one of you decides to go rogue and watch episodes ahead of the other.
And when you want to talk about rejection, this. Perhaps this could be the ultimate form of rejection in a relationship.
This is when. Like Spice Girls, when to become one. But the reverse.
That's actually quite good. Yeah. Again, don't think too much about it. Don't think too much about it.
[00:06:08] Speaker A: Is that what you meant?
[00:06:10] Speaker B: No.
[00:06:10] Speaker A: Okay, you can cut on it.
[00:06:13] Speaker B: No, I'm not gonna go.
[00:06:14] Speaker A: You better cut that bit.
[00:06:19] Speaker B: So, yeah, we're talking about rejection. And I think that's, you know, when these things happen, they're. They're often.
You know, some. They're often not with malice, are they, babe?
[00:06:31] Speaker A: I think they're just part of a daily relationship and the ups and downs of living with another human, communicating with another human, and having.
And we'll get more into this. Two different perspectives on things and two different lives going on that you're trying to marry together.
And so there's. There's a lot of factors as to why this comes up, but really what it is is a communication opportunity, the sense when someone gets rejected. And we'll get more into what we mean by that, but they are. They are things that come up in this is. We're talking about the daily rejection. We're talking about the.
The idea. The idea of the little things that pop up but can still really sting and how you can. How you can manage those little things so that they. You can take the sting out of them much faster and actually use them for an opportunity for connection. That's. That's the light at the end of the tunnel here, guys.
[00:07:25] Speaker B: Yeah, there. There is a light. So Kim and I are still together after all these little moments of rejection. But, you know, there's. There's often a lot under the surface. And we've talked about before how a lot of people in our position, you know, you got kids, you got work, you don't have time for each other. And so moments of connection can feel like gold. And so that's often what's really happening in these simple little moments is we're hoping for connection, and then we're like. We feel like we've missed another chance because these times for connection are so rare. So when we finally get a moment to connect, it Feels like, oh, wow, this was so good. Like, we're all watching this show together. Oh, we're going out to friends lunch together. Oh, we don't get to connect usually. We don't get to share an experience, usually. But when that moment slips away or is taken away, it can often hurt more than maybe you feel on the surface it should because it represents almost a loss of something that is so precious that we already have so little of. So when someone we love rejects time with us, what we feel isn't just disappointment. It's also the loss of an opportunity to connect when we are always looking for those opportunities to connect with our partner.
[00:08:37] Speaker A: I think that's so true. I think where we're struggling most of the time, we talked about last week on the podcast. We talked about chaos in the relationship and using the whiteboard to try and put organization in as a tool to. To help create more space, you know, remove some of that chaos. And I think we are so busy with so many demands and so many different pulls in different directions that it's such a reprieve to have a moment of connection and feel the good stuff.
And so it bites extra hard because we, as you say, it's a missed opportunity that we feel it doesn't come around that often. It's hard to coordinate our time schedules. It's hard to find those moments. So I think it can hit a lot harder than perhaps, as you say on the surface is warranted, maybe from, like a desktop perspective. So just analyzing, reading the scenario on a piece of paper, you would think that's not a warranted response.
[00:09:40] Speaker B: Yeah, because we don't live our lives on our desktops, although, you know, we do, but we don't live our lives sort of hovering up, little fly on the wall. We live our lives in the moment, and we live in the moment. And emotions are raw, and we, in the end, we just want to be with our partner. We want to feel close and connected to them.
[00:09:58] Speaker A: Absolutely. I mean, that's where we feel safe. Right. And we'll get more into that. But what. What happens? Let's talk about what happens in that moment for the person who. Who has this sense of being rejected. And even a small rejection can cause almost like a physical drop in the body. And I'm sure people listening right now will relate to that. I know even in that moment, when you said one of the girls had been there, one of the wives was at this thing, I felt this sting, like, in my chest, like, what?
[00:10:32] Speaker B: Why not me?
[00:10:33] Speaker A: What the. Why not? Yeah. Why not me? Well, first, what the. But I'm probably more of a reactive human.
And. And then the hurt of like, exactly what you said. Why hasn't he thought of me? Why wasn't I included in that? And science shows us that emotional rejection, it activates the same pain centers in the brain as physical pain, which is crazy, you know, so that sense of actually being in pain, actually, it's the same sense as is if you, you know, stubbed your toe or hurt yourself, rolled your ankle somewhere, you. You feel that twinge of pain.
[00:11:10] Speaker B: It's a visceral feeling in your body.
[00:11:11] Speaker A: It's a visceral feeling in your body. And I guess it's more the way the brain perceives that as, as a pain. Right? Because obviously it's not an actual physical injury.
So you feel that quick jolt of, ouch, did they just forget me? And then your body detects the threat, and then. And you ask yourself, and this mostly will happen on a subconscious level. Remember, am I still safe here? Because you've perceived this pain, the brain has perceived pain. I mean, we just hate to be really clinical, but remember, we always come back to the fact that humans are just an organism trying to stay alive. Right? Which means safety comes above all else. So, and we me, our brains are reading micro cues, like, over and over again. Like every millisecond, they're reading the cues everywhere in all directions. And so what the brain might perceive as a bigger cue, that is something that made me feel bad, is, is what will trigger that response to am I safe here? Which again, might sound on, on the surface as too dramatic, but that is literally how our bodies and brains work. We're trying to stay safe all the time. And things can sort of spiral from there. As Brene Brown says, in the absence of data up stories. So what happens when our, when our brain perceives this pain and this, this threat and it says, am I safe here? Well, then we start making up stories around what's happening. We're trying to justify it, we're trying to rationalize it. And the stories can really cause us to respond from an emotional standpoint, from a real sense of hurt, without a lot of, like, without a lot of the rational input. So I. Obviously, we know if we're feeling threatened, we can often stay more in the emotional brain, which is slightly lower down on the rungs. We want to get up to the. Oh, that sounded really judgmental of emotions. It's not at all. It just comes before, in terms of priority, before the rational brain. So you can only access the rational brain well when you're already feeling safe. So safety comes first is what I'm saying. And so if we're responding from that real sense of feeling unsafe and being emotional, we will often fire back with something that is emotionally driven. And it might sound like, fine, whatever, do what you want, you know, you'll be angry or forget it, I won't ask next time you're withdrawing from the person or you never notice how I feel. That real like resentment sense that comes out. And this is especially true that these responses and that sense of hurt can be really exacerbated if it's triggering old wounds. So if you ever felt rejected as a child or it was a constant theme for you as a child, then you, you might, or it might not have been childhood, it might have been a past relationship, it might have been multiple relationships where you experienced a sense of, of feeling rejected repeatedly and weren't able to work through that. Then it might really trigger those old wounds and then you really going to feel unsafe. Which means that emotional response is going to be even more out of whack.
And what's obviously happened then is the emotional response is nothing to do then triggered only by the issue. What's actually happening is you're responding to all that built up sense of, of feeling unsafe. And of course that doesn't really marry. So it's no longer about the issue you've had in, in the first place. It's really about that sense of being complete or a sense of feeling completely unsafe.
[00:14:47] Speaker B: Yeah, we pull those.
You know, that baggage we carry with us, we, we draw on it during the tough times sometimes because that's, that baggage sort of sits in the emotional part of our brain. And those stories that we tell ourselves, they start to. Everything starts to snowball and you start feeling like do they really care?
Does anyone really care? And so all of a sudden you've gone from this moment, which could have been a moment of gold.
It could have been a moment of connection.
It carries a sense of loss. It's triggered your body, it's triggered your emotions and things are starting to spiral. You're starting to lose control of the situation. And this is what happened very quickly. Of course this is all happening from the moment you find out to the moment you bring it up with your partner, you know, or it's stewing over time and you're not able to bring back to the rational because it is, it is making you feel these feelings, you know, that, that gold nugget of connection becoming A, I guess a lump of coal, of disconnection. And so your most emotional logic all of a sudden starts to become.
Every mischance that we have, every chance of connection that we miss, feels like proof that we're drifting apart. And it actually starts to threaten the story of us. Because underneath every small rejection, underneath all these feelings and emotions, there's just that simple.
That simple concept of belonging as a human.
And you. You long. You long to matter to someone.
You long to share moments with someone, and you long to feel like you're someone's special person. And I think it's that those. Those moments of miscommunication, those careless mistakes that seemed like they're nothing, but all of a sudden become, I guess, an alarm or a mini crisis moment in your relationship or in terms of connection. And again, when Kim Rice started talking about, you know, me not understanding if it was a boys or partners catch up or Kim watching a few episodes advance with our show, you wouldn't think, well, that's a crisis moment of connection. But it can and often is.
[00:17:09] Speaker A: Yeah, I guess what you're sort of talking about there, Roger, is the spiral effect of what's happening and where it heads and. And when we look at what then occurs. So the partner's reaction to a. A hurt that they're experiencing being expressed very emotionally.
[00:17:29] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:30] Speaker A: By their partner. It. That can be that. That reaction can then be negative as well, because they get triggered by the. The sense of, you know, the. The. With the emotional response, we say things that are harsher or more serious than they probably are. And so that often triggers for people in a defensiveness because their brain is saying, this doesn't add up. This isn't. And so then they think things like, this isn't fair. This isn't justified. And so hence it triggers on the. The. That sense of defensiveness, because the reality is, for that partner, they don't see the malice in it that the other partner has experienced. They don't see the problem even necessarily because they just did something. They did something that, let's be honest, our partners aren't out to get us. They're not trying to hurt us. So they made a decision because they were in a rush, or they did something because they were feeling overwhelmed, or they just did something that they believed was fine because they see the world a little bit differently. And so when that reaction comes at them, they. They can really sense it as an accusation of some sort, and that can really quickly instigate a defensiveness. And what's happening here is A fight then ensues, right? A tiff begins that can blow up into a big argument. And that what we're highlighting is that argument is not a result of the core issue. The argument is a result of how they communicated toward each other when the issue arose.
[00:19:04] Speaker B: That's right. And you know, look, guys, girls, everyone gets defensive because you're like, well, I'm being attacked. So I had to defend. But it's not conducive to good communication. It's not conducive to a good relationship. And John Gottman actually has defensiveness as one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse of communication. A natural but destructive reflex that protects our ego rather than relationship.
You know, because when we feel attacked, our nervous system jumps into self preservation mode. So, for example, like, you know, when we were talking about the lunch, I. I probably said something like, but, babe, I didn't know the partners were coming. I. I just wanted to see the boys. I never get to see the boys. I see you all the time. I just needed a break. It's not my fault.
[00:19:54] Speaker A: Sounds very familiar.
[00:19:56] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I was just playing up to that one, you know, and in that boat, in that moment, my body's trying to, you know, just restore my own safety. Not yours, mine, by justifying, because I didn't do anything wrong. I was, I was just trying to have a beer with my mates, like. But, but from your perspective, it just reinforced, I guess, the, the feeling that hasn't been validated of, like, well, I just don't matter, do I? You're just making excuses. I don't just matter. So instead of that repair that we all were all aiming for, you know, you just both end up feeling unseen. And, and that moment of that moment could have been a moment of opportunity. So that's the thing. Repair is always a moment, an opportunity to connect. But what happens is because you become defensive, you just go. It just becomes a big fight and you're in disconnection.
And I love how Sue Johnson puts this. We protect ourselves most when we most need to reach out for each other.
How does that hit for you, babe?
[00:20:57] Speaker A: I mean, I love that. I think what Sue's describing there is that real sense that when we feel unsafe, the. The thing we need to do most is reach for the other person.
And yet we go into self preservation.
And it is so hard when we feel unsafe to find presence in ourselves, to actually reach for the other person. And this is part of. You know, you talked about this being a repair scenario, but even before repair this can just be good communication. Like, you don't even need to get to the bit where you enter because repair is its own set of tools, right?
[00:21:40] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:21:40] Speaker A: Like that's its own skill set. But before you get to that skill set, you could avoid having to use your repair skills by just using good communication skills. I mean, these are things we teach in the course.
We, we have a separate section for good communication. It's a bonus section, actually. It's going to be dropped again soon. But there's, you know, in the, in the staple course, there's a whole section on repair for communication because these are separate skill sets. And I think, you know, it's really hard when you feel instantly triggered and you notice that feeling. And that's the point. You have to notice that feeling. So you have to become aware of what's happening for you. And to do that, you have to practice.
You know, this is really how you respond if you want better communication. And do you know, it's like the number one thing people say to us. Oh, it's just communication, isn't it?
Communication is big part of a relationship. It's certainly not the only part. And, and to be fair, again, separating it from repair. Repair is even more important than communication. But if you want to avoid more repair scenarios, get good at communicating.
[00:22:43] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
[00:22:44] Speaker A: The thing with communication is you have to, to be good at it. You have to practice. It's not our natural instinct. So people have to remember your natural instinct is self preservation. And that is going to look however you are, were raised or conditioned as a human. So whether you fight, flight, flee, whatever it looks like. So you might, exactly what you said, you highlighted some, some words people might say. One might be withdrawing. There you go. I'm fleeing. This scenario, I don't want to deal with, with this scenario. You know, these are emotionally activated responses one might be attacking. I'm fighting, I'm gonna fight you on this, you know, so what we want to do before we fire back with those responses is bring our awareness to what's actually happening so that we can look for other options in that scenario. And we'll run through that in a minute as well. But that's really what, for me, sue is, is just, you know, that's. She's put one sentence over what happens when people feel unsafe, which is we go inward and we, we try to protect ourselves, but to get outside of ourselves and reach for the other, which is what we want to be doing.
I'm going to put an extra layer on this and say, you have to practice. You have to practice that muscle. You have to practice. You have to train that muscle. Right. It's a muscle to respond in a different way.
[00:23:57] Speaker B: Yeah. And that's exactly what we're going to do now. We're going to give you some of the tools that you can practice that you can train that communication muscle so you can address a situation where you feel rejected without getting into an argument. And we're also going to see it from the other side. So say, you say you know, because you're not going to get it right every time because you do feel hurt and we're not perfect when you don't, don't hold yourself up to that standard. You're not going to get it right every time. Yes, try.
So if you're feeling hurt and you're unable to do that, well, we're going to look at what the partner who did cause the hurt can maybe do to absorb that hurt, to not be defensive. What can they do? So let's go through that now. So for the partner who felt rejected, remember what we often say when bringing up a hard topic with your partner. Start with a soft startup.
What you really want is to feel seen and to rebuild connection. Right. That's what you want out of this conversation. And so you need the conversation to be constructive to get what you want out of it. And the research shows that every time you have a harsh startup in a conversation, so you start by saying, you never include me, you're likely to cause, you're likely to continue conflict or create conflict, and you're not going to have a constructive conversation. While if you instead say, hey, look, I feel a bit left out using an I statement and not an accusation. Because it's. So that soft startup, you're actually starting to invite them into the conversation and you're starting to invite the understanding. And I love how Brene Brown puts it, she goes, don't leave with blame, lean with vulnerability.
Because blame shuts doors and vulnerability opens them.
[00:25:48] Speaker A: So it's such a good quote because if you can get used to being vulnerable and you can practice it and your partner can practice their response to that vulnerability and you guys get good at that, it will be a game changer in your relationship, the way you communicate.
[00:26:03] Speaker B: Yeah. And this is what Sue Johnson was saying is like when we, when we're supposed to be reaching out, we go in. Well, that's because it's hard to be vulnerable. And when you're hurt, being vulnerable is an extra late, an extra step.
So what should you do? Again, Kim said this. Slow down before reacting, take a breath and name what's under the anger. It's usually something like sadness. Sadness, disappointment, or longing. You know that feeling of rejection that caused those feelings.
[00:26:31] Speaker A: And you know what, Roger? You're just going to jump in there, because even just naming it. So firstly, taking a breath, you're going to calm your nervous system. But even just naming it, you've validated yourself, and you will feel calmer because you are seeing yourself. I promise people, if you name that in your mind what's happening for you, you will feel karma.
[00:26:50] Speaker B: We already starting to access that rational part of your brain, and you're seeping it going into there because you're stuck in the emotional. So if you can start to name it, your rational part of your brain's tapping into the emotional going, this is what I'm feeling.
So what we want to do now is then talk to our partner, but we want to speak from how we're feeling using I statements. And we're not accusing. So it might sound something like this. Hey, I know this might sound small, but when I found out the other partners were there, I felt left out.
We're always so busy, and I miss spending time with you and having fun together.
And honestly, I worried maybe that you just needed a break from me.
That's sad. But that's how you're feeling, and it's important.
[00:27:39] Speaker A: It's important, though, as well, I think, because it highlights what the. What issue is under underpinning the scenario. Like, I actually really want to have some fun with you, so that's actually saying what your need is. I want to have some fun, too. We're doing all the boring stuff. I want to be the person having fun with you as well, because pretty much all we're doing is parenting at the moment.
[00:27:59] Speaker B: You didn't. It's not like you're. You're in the wrong. I just want more of you. That's. That's a.
A big reframe.
[00:28:06] Speaker A: Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.
[00:28:07] Speaker B: Yeah. Another thing you can say, well, we know. Time this back to, you know, how. How Kim treated me with the. With the skipping ahead of the episode.
You could say something like, babe, when you watched ahead without me, I felt like you didn't care about us sharing that moment together, and I was really looking forward to it.
And that, you know, how does that get you in the fields? But what you're really doing here is you're describing your own emotion without assigning intent. You're describing your experience without defining their character. And this helps shift your partner's nervous system out of defense and into empathy mode. And that's where you can move from opponents back into teammates.
[00:28:50] Speaker A: I mean, those. Both of those examples you gave of what you could say are so beautiful. They come from the ice dance, which is really about, you know, this is what's happening for me.
And then they don't go into. And you did this. They don't, you know, flip it like, oh, here's my feelings, but that's your fault. Instead, they stay with the person and express their needs and beautifully. In both of those examples we gave, they were actually needs to connect. So they were. I needed to do that with you because I wanted that time together.
[00:29:20] Speaker B: Well, the opposite of rejection is a. Is a. Is a connection. Right.
[00:29:24] Speaker A: So. Exactly. But what happens then is the person receiving that information is hearing, I actually really want to connect with you. And that's going to soften their response because they're like, of course. That's such a lovely thing. I want to connect with you too.
[00:29:38] Speaker B: Yeah, you're getting them in the fields, not getting them defenses up.
[00:29:42] Speaker A: Exactly. So for the partner who's. Who's caused the hurt and caused. I use loosely because again, I don't want to. I don't want to perpetuate this idea that there's some sort of entitlement to be hurt. What we're talking about here is clear, good, clear communication. So there's no blame making here. There's just a scenario that you want to work through anyway. So the part for the partner who.
Well, let's just say was. Was who. Who created the scenario that exists, the experts say. Well, John Gottman says it reminds us that we want to think about the defensiveness. So he says defensiveness is the enemy of repair and the antidote is taking responsibility even for a small part of what happened. And I think that's a really critical thing here is to understand that taking responsibility can be really powerful in this scenario.
So when your partner feels rejected and even if you think this is important, even if you think that's not my fault, though I just did a normal thing. Take responsibility for their feelings.
Take responsibility.
I think for people, this is a hard one to sometimes wrap their head around the idea that they don't agree necessarily with their partner's scenario. But do you know what? Your partner feels bad. Just. Just live with that. Take responsibility that you want to help them not to feel bad.
[00:31:09] Speaker B: And this is likely that you weren't perfect. There could have been something you could have done or could do in the future to maybe ensure that that rejection doesn't happen.
[00:31:21] Speaker A: I think it's just, it doesn't even matter. That's the point. That's why I said you don't want blame in this scenario. What you want to think is what can I do here to help my partner and the person being told that's hurt my feelings for whatever reason and these are my needs. The best thing you can do is take responsibility for the situation and, and help that to reduce that sense of hurt and to constructively move forward together. So that means reassurance first. Right. Logic second. So if you're stuck in the well, that's not fair, blah, blah, blah, you're stuck in the logic. Get back to the reassurance.
Stan Tatkin emphasizes healing happens when one partner responds differently to the emotion being directed at them. So what he's saying is if your partner gives you hurt, I'm hurt. You need to respond in a different way to them. Right. So what, what are you going to respond with?
You're safe. Right. That's a different response.
[00:32:15] Speaker B: Not like, well, how dare you be hurt, I'm hurt too, or how dare you hurt me with your hurt.
[00:32:20] Speaker A: So even if your partner didn't approach you calmly, you can still absorb the energy and stay grounded and dis help to disarm them and de escalate the moment. So, so really what we're saying here is no matter what your partner comes at you with, you have the power to change the next part of that conversation. So if they come at you with a more unsafe emotional LED response, I'm hurt, it's your fault. You have the power to change.
[00:32:51] Speaker B: That's the beauty of accountability, babe. Accountability gives you the control and the power to change things. When you don't take accountability for something, what you're saying, it's out of my control.
So what can you do to change? What can you do?
[00:33:03] Speaker A: And that's that big sense of responsibility, Roggie, is you are responsible for the next part of that conversation.
[00:33:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:09] Speaker A: You're responsible for how it goes. So you might say something like this if. Oh wow, babe, I'm sorry. I can see that really hurt you. I didn't realize it would land that way. I get that you feel left out. Seeing it from your perspective now, I reckon I would too.
Once they feel seen, you could add a gentle clarification.
It honestly wasn't intentional. I just thought it was a quick catch up. Us boys aren't always the best with details and I didn't think it through. Next time, I'll check if everyone's partners are coming too, or if we go back to the example of the Netflix. You're right. I should have waited. It wasn't that I didn't want to watch it with you. I just wasn't thinking. You pick something tonight and let's start fresh.
[00:33:52] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:53] Speaker A: Or in my case, it might be. I just felt addicted and couldn't let it go.
I needed to know what was happening next.
[00:34:00] Speaker B: Next.
This dopamine's driving me.
Yeah, look, I fold.
[00:34:06] Speaker A: It's adhd.
[00:34:07] Speaker B: And you could. You can notice the order there in all of these. It's like empathy first. I get it.
Responsibility second. I didn't think it through. Then. Clarification. It wasn't about not wanting you there. And you know I always like to sneak this in the team. I'll make it up to you. And I love you.
You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:34:35] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life, relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:34:45] Speaker B: And if you liked today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
[00:34:53] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
