Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Here's the truth. No one really tells you you have the power to change your relationship, not because you've been doing it wrong, but because when life gets full, it's so easy to keep pushing your relationship to the bottom of the list. You tell yourself we'll deal with it when things quieten down, but that moment rarely comes.
In today's episode, we're diving into the belief that underpins every strong relationship.
Change doesn't start with finding the perfect person or waiting for the perfect moment. It starts with showing up and deciding to do things.
We'll unpack why so many couples put their relationship on autopilot, how we fall into the trap of assuming love will just take care of itself and the three small steps you can take today to start shifting things. If you've ever thought there has to be more than this, this episode is for you. Let's get into it.
People were always telling us, you guys are such a team. And we began to realise this just isn't the case for most couples.
[00:01:02] Speaker B: But we knew from our own experience of turning our relationship into a team that change isn't just possible, it's inevitable. All you need is a little direction.
[00:01:10] Speaker A: So that's what we do on this show. We steer you in the right direction. We keep it simple. We show you why relationship struggles show up and how you can start changing your relationship today.
[00:01:20] Speaker B: And we bring the good stuff by turning information from leading relationship experts and evidence based research into easy to understand skills and tools that anyone can use.
[00:01:29] Speaker A: We also share insights, insights from our own 23 years of experience together. And we chat with some incredible couples who offer their wisdom on relationships.
[00:01:36] Speaker B: If a better relationship is what you want, then get comfy. Whatever tickles your pickle. As we prepare to dive into all.
[00:01:43] Speaker A: Things team, We're Kim and Rog and this is the Living the Team Life podcast.
Today we're going to talk about a really big idea that might sound really simple, but something I'm very passionate about. And that is that you have the power to change your relationship.
I'm. One of the reasons we wanted to do this theme today is because it marries nicely with the fact that we are launching our course today, which is our six week online relationship course. It's called the Relationship Playbook.
If you're a regular listener, you will have heard us talking about it. The wait list has been up. Thank you so much to so many of you who have signed up. We, we are absolutely blown away with the wait list.
It'll be available to everyone, so it's it will be available from today, so if you want to go ahead and. And enroll, it's there. But it marries up nicely because I think the idea of.
Of being able to make change in your relationship and then selecting to do a relationship course is. Is like the biggest thing you could do. It's. It's the acknowledgement that I can make a change in this relationship with my partner together, and I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to go and do a relationship course, which is super cool.
But we also realized when Roger and I were talking about this idea that a lot of people aren't quite there yet. They're not necessarily at that point where they can make that big decision, and yet they still, somewhere deep down know that they want things to be different. And so we wanted to do a podcast that helped people who were thinking about their relationship as something that they would want to look differently, some part of their relationship, and how they would just start to gain the belief that they could make change. And so that's what we've done today is we've. We want to talk to you and give you a podcast that, that really will empower you to know that you can make change and start just with small decisions. Not. Doesn't have to be as big as buying the course or enrolling for the course.
It can be small things you can start doing today with your partner. Because when we love the idea that people know they have the power to actually make change in their relationship.
[00:04:13] Speaker B: That's right, babe. And, you know, we. We made change in our relationship over a decade ago now simply by starting to walk and talk.
And we still do it today. In fact, after we record today, we're literally. We're literally going for a walk at.
[00:04:29] Speaker A: A rucksacking it, baby.
[00:04:31] Speaker B: I don't know how much talking is going to be going on. We've got these, like, rucks, you know, you know, Huber made it big. All these influences.
So we've got like these, you know, these weights you put all over your shoulders and your. Your chest and back.
[00:04:44] Speaker A: We got well influenced on this.
[00:04:46] Speaker B: Pardon?
[00:04:46] Speaker A: We got well influenced on this.
[00:04:48] Speaker B: We got wellness influenced on this, definitely, but. And yeah, again, I don't. We might take a few goes before we can actually have enough breathe to talk. But, you know, we're going after this podcast and we, We. We have these conversations. We have conversations about the simple things and about the big things, and we just have been doing it for so long now. In fact, you know, I, I'd Argue that Kim and my. I'd argue that our relationship is better than ever, yet we probably walk and talk more than ever. So it's not like, oh, we've got a great relationship, so we don't need to talk as much. In fact, you know, if you had a graph which went up, what the X axis would be the amount of times we go talking and the Y access would be the quality of our relationship.
[00:05:34] Speaker A: Oh, man, that took a lot of brain power to draw that in my head.
Why we should put, where's the X? Where's the.
[00:05:40] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. So, you know, graph goes up. As we said, graph goes up. You know, because these talks, they keep us connected when we're struggling, they help us laugh when we're doing well, they help us dream, they help us nut out issues, and they get us on the same page and feeling like a team again.
[00:05:59] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think the point of mentioning those walks, Rogie, what I took out of what you just said was the fact that we do them because we know they can continue to change our relationship. Because change is, is a good thing. It's something we want to have happen. It means we're growing together. If, if we said, do you want to be the same people you were in your 20s? I doubt many people in their 40s like us would say, oh, yeah, that'd be great.
Most people will realize that with change comes growth, with change comes learning. With change comes newness, fun, excitement, curiosity, all those things. And, and these walks for us are, are a desire to, to make that change and to lean in. We don't just talk about the fun stuff. We talk about the hard stuff on these walks. We, we get into it because we want to grow. We want to be in that vulnerable space. And, and we use the movement to regulate ourselves so that we have these, these conversations while we're walking. Because we do believe that we have the power to change things. When a problem comes up, we can change that. We can change. If we're having a problem between the two of us, we can change that. Let's go on a walk and talk about it.
[00:07:12] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think that's, that's the whole point is that it's something as simple and accessible is getting out, moving and letting the conversation flow. And I think, you know, we're going to drop a few truth bombs today on people and not because of shock value.
You know, on this podcast, we always want to be non judgmental. We've been, we've been where you've been, where things just seem Too hard to make that change. We didn't have the school skills and tools to be able to do it.
But sometimes you do need the truth. You need the, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Sometimes you need a bit of a wake up call. And our truth bomb today is that people are not putting enough time and energy into their relationships. It should be one of the, if not the most important thing in your life, because really in your life it is.
It will have the biggest influence on how, I guess happy and successful your life is the, the quality of your relationship.
It's the fulcrum of which, like, I think the balance of life rests on.
[00:08:17] Speaker A: The fulcrum.
[00:08:18] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:08:19] Speaker A: Are we in Star Trek here?
[00:08:22] Speaker B: It's, you know, the fulcrum's the triangle under the seesaw.
The balance of.
[00:08:27] Speaker A: Sure. I missed that physics lesson.
[00:08:30] Speaker B: When I wrote that in our notes, I thought I was being very clever.
[00:08:33] Speaker A: It is quite clever. Just a bit too clever.
[00:08:36] Speaker B: So. So why don't people put more effort into their relationships? Why don't people treat their relationship like something that needs care, that needs attention, that needs effort? Why does it always get put to the back of the, to the, to the back of the pile?
[00:08:50] Speaker A: I think I just want to pick up on a couple of things you've said there, Reggie. First, that we're nonjudgmental here. So when we say people aren't putting enough effort in, that comes from entirely from a place of love.
[00:09:01] Speaker B: Yeah. We're not pointing, going, you, all of you, you're listening to a relationship podcast. You are actually being proactive and putting an effort into your relationship.
[00:09:11] Speaker A: Yeah. Nice recognition. 100%. 100%. So it's more about letting you know that, that it is. That it's possible to actually make change, that listening to the podcast is, is one of the ways you can start to make change, that doing things in your relationship to try and change it will work. That's what we're saying, is that we want to empower you and maybe, maybe there are different words to you to help help us get that idea across.
But, you know, there can be an assumption in relationships that relationships will largely take care of themselves. So even if people start to think, I'd like something different and maybe they listen to a podcast or read a book or whatever in the back of their minds, I think in general, in the public, we can hold this idea that where we find love and then love just exists. And we've talked a lot about that not being the case that, that without effort, without work. But if we just think back to anything in our life that we love, that we've invested in, it's never one and done if you want it to grow and you want it to be great and be its best. So it's no different in relationships.
[00:10:24] Speaker B: No. Love isn't set and forget. And yet we often find ourselves not putting the time and energy into our relationship that it deserves.
And I'm sure you've heard this from yourself before.
These thoughts, these feelings of, oh, we're fine, we're just stressed and busy, I don't need the stress right now. You know, when you're thinking about that extra that, that, that impetus to change, of doing something about your relationship, or we don't have the time to connect, we're going to put the kids first. We always put the kids first and that's okay.
Or things will get better once the kids start school, then we'll have the time. Or things will get better once the kids start high school. Or things will get better once the kids have left school.
And I think it's a long time between drinks when that happens. And that's when you see that, that real rift start to occur.
[00:11:16] Speaker A: Yeah, I think those thoughts are super important because that's the. Where our brain's stuck in reasons, objections to why the change is impossible. So your brain is always trying to protect you, right. It's always trying to look after you. So you only have so many resources. So when you start thinking, maybe I would like to change something, your brain is like, whoa, buddy, we are maxed out right now. And on top of that, it will, it will soften the blow with the belief that I mentioned before. So firstly, here's all the reasons we're maxed out. And then it'll soften the blow with. And remember, relationships just. I meant love's just meant to be there. It's just, it's just what it is. And so we really want to shift that belief that love just exists. Because when, when we go to want to make a change, when we think about making a change and the brain puts up all these what we would call objections, but the actually protective responses to that and included in that is the underpinning belief that you don't need to work on relationships, that relationships should just be love and love should just exist, we want to unpack that so that people feel empowered to say, well, hang on, no, that's not true.
[00:12:29] Speaker B: Yeah. And because the issue is, is that they've been telling themselves this for such a long time that after after, after long enough, that drift actually starts to become a giant chasm.
But, you know, the underlying truth is, is if you don't fix your relationship, if you don't change what's going on between you and your partner, it's not going to get better by itself. If you want a better relationship, you need to be in charge of the change. If you are just waiting for your partner, then you're both just going to be waiting on each other. There's only two people in a relationship that can make a change, that can make a better relationship, and that's the two of you.
Having said that, the kicker is that also means there's two people who have the power, who have all the power to turn things around and create something amazing.
[00:13:21] Speaker A: I mean, how crazy is that? It's, it's. That is a lesson for life, that when you have a huge problem affecting you, you also, and I will caveat this because people will come at me with the I can't change my circumstance or I can't change my illness. We live in a world where, as carers, there are some things that you can't change.
But you do have the power to change your approach, your response, your mindset. So it's crazy to me, even in my 40s, that I. Every time a big problem comes along, I realize I am the owner of the problem and I am the owner of the solution because I have the power to change that problem, no one else.
And it's exactly the same with this, right? The couple has the power. You guys, you guys have the power to change. Like, yes, it's your problem, but yes, you have the power to change it.
[00:14:19] Speaker B: Well, that's the opportunity.
[00:14:20] Speaker A: That's the opportunity. I know it sounds simple, but I love, I love that realization. It's. It's just such an empowering one.
I think what might be helpful is to break down for people a little bit more around the, the. Those thoughts and beliefs I was talking about. Because I think the more we give ourselves an understanding of what's happening in our minds and in our hearts, the more we can grow our awareness for when these difficult thoughts and beliefs show up or these unhelpful thoughts and beliefs, these ones, I was saying, the protective ones, that they do protect you to a degree. But at some point, we have to step out into the discomfort of change if we want to grow.
And so let's unpack a little bit more those protective thoughts or ideas we have around why we wouldn't make change in our relationship so that we can we can help ourselves to become aware of them and move towards the discomfort of growth.
The discomfort of growth probably isn't going to motivate anyone, but it's a reality.
[00:15:21] Speaker B: Oh, that's this whole, you know, you got to get comfortable being uncomfortable, but that's the friction. And friction does create growth.
[00:15:28] Speaker A: And it's the beauty of life.
If we. I mean, I digress for a second, but discomfort, I mean, when people run a marathon for the first time, they don't say, oh, that was the most comfortable, wonderful thing I ever did. They say, that was the hardest thing I ever did. When's the next one?
[00:15:44] Speaker B: Oh, not only that, sweet. When people go for their first 2k sort of jaunt when they. They're trying to build up to a marathon or just build up to getting out and getting fit, that hurts. That's.
[00:15:55] Speaker A: But they love it, right? They don't say, I'm never. I mean, some might, but most will say, what's next?
[00:16:01] Speaker B: Or they'll go. They'll simply just go, wow, I did that. And maybe I can do it again.
[00:16:07] Speaker A: Okay. Maybe not as. Not as fast as me down the evolution track.
My good old adhd. Just.
[00:16:14] Speaker B: You're ready for the relationship course.
[00:16:16] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:16:17] Speaker B: I'm just going for a walk.
[00:16:20] Speaker A: Love it. Okay. So one of the first things that we sort of think about is that we, we. Rod, Roger spoke about some of the thoughts around this was that we prioritize everything else first.
And. And what I said around that belief underneath as well, that we can do that because relationships are on autopilot. And Esther Perel talks about this, and she puts it this way, that we have a romantic ideal and a consumer model of relationships. If it works, great. If it doesn't, maybe I picked wrong. I love that comment. Because it is this idea that we can throw away what's not working. That's the consumerism she refers to. Right. And what a horrifying idea. When you think about it, like fast fashion relationship is. That is.
That is really scary.
But if you're not trying to invest in the relationship to make the change and you say, this isn't what I want, what else are your options?
So this idea that if it doesn't work, I picked wrong and I can just change the pick is a scary one because you can change the actual relationship you're in.
[00:17:33] Speaker B: That's something that we just weren't meant to be as opposed to, oh, we haven't actually put any time, effort, energy into us for the last 10 years.
[00:17:41] Speaker A: Yes, yes. And just putting A question mark over. It's like a science experiment, isn't it? If we did put that time, effort and energy in, would it look different?
It definitely could. It definitely could.
So, you know, couples do get busy. Couples put the kids first. We know that the job first, the house first, the errands, the calendar and the relationship sort of melds into the background and, and that belief that it will run itself is what sort of keeps it there, I think.
[00:18:14] Speaker B: Yeah. So if people are just sort of neglecting it as opposed to treating it like we believe, which is that sort of safe harbor, that foundation of your life. You know, if you, if people really believe that that is true. And I think most people listen to our podcast, you know that they do, they do believe that. They do believe the importance. And yet we'll put so much time and effort into the littlest things in our life, but not the biggest.
[00:18:39] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that's a beautiful point. I think even if they believe it sometimes, they haven't had the evidence yet to give them the courage to really chase after it. And so starting small, getting some small wins on the board, that really tiny, that show you, you're right, your belief is right, change is possible. That's what we're here doing today. We're going to give you some ideas of how you can start small so that you can build that belief and build evidence underneath it. Another reason that people don't pursue change in their relationship and one you can watch out for, is that you want to keep short term peace.
[00:19:19] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:19:19] Speaker A: And we, oh my God. We conserve our energy and, and safeguard our energy like it's gold bullion.
[00:19:27] Speaker B: Yeah. We've got very strong boundaries.
[00:19:31] Speaker A: We have to. Because we're carers, right?
[00:19:33] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. You know, our daughter, our relationship comes first. Our daughter comes first. You know, our family comes first. And we're very, we're very strong in our beliefs in that.
But you know, what we used to do 10 plus years ago is when we had less on our plates was we would not address issues just because we didn't want to get into a fight.
[00:19:55] Speaker A: That, that was really at the crux of it. I think in your latter years with children, it's more that you don't feel like you have the energy for it.
[00:20:03] Speaker B: And it, yeah, you're at capacity, so as if. Yeah, you're at capacity, so it's if, yeah, you want to make change, but you know, there's going to be that friction we talked about earlier. And you know, that friction's gonna, gonna, I guess, drain on that last bit.
[00:20:16] Speaker A: Of capacity you have, that's that discomfort. But the reality is becoming aware of that is super helpful because once you know, you have to go through that to get to the other side. You, you. And this is a truth of, I will promise you guys this, you have more capacity than you know today.
This is a truth of life I learned as a carer in the last eight years.
Someone told it to me early on, they said, your capacity will grow when you need it to. And I thought, that's ridiculous. It's, it's not infinite, it's finite. And I've used all of it and there's none left. And I thought there's just no way I've got anything more.
But especially when you go after what's aligned to your beliefs and your values, truly in your heart, your capacity grows. That's, that's what I've learned. The things that matter will grow your capacity.
[00:21:04] Speaker B: And so if you can get into that mindset of I am putting off the short term pain, but it's going to affect me in the long term.
And if you can think, well, if I, if I just deal with this now, then I'm going to have a better relationship in the future. That's, that's going to set you on the right path.
[00:21:23] Speaker A: Yeah. And it's not so drastic as maybe we're painting it out to be like the pain is not that big if you go gently. I think that's where we started all this today is there's a really gentle way to start making change that doesn't cause too much friction.
[00:21:37] Speaker B: We'll get to that.
[00:21:38] Speaker A: We'll get to that.
Yes.
[00:21:40] Speaker B: But I think another, another core, you know, reason of why people don't, they don't, they're not proactive in their relationship that they're not pushing for the change that required to have a great relationship is because we often mistake what's familiar and familiarity for true connection, our relationships. Because you can feel you can still be in love with your partner and you have been for decades. You can know what, what their coffee order is. You know what they like to binge in the evening. You're binging the show with them and so you actually assume you know them because you are, you're having the conversations and yeah, they're a bit logistical, but you know your partner. But just because you live together, just because you coexist doesn't mean each of you are actually feeling loved. And there's difference between, of course they love me and I feel loved and A reason is because we are mistaking familiarity for connection.
We have this illusion of connection with our partner because we're always with them.
And Kim and I have spoken about this before, and it's Gottman's love maps.
He's a true believer that you need to be constantly keeping up to date with your, with your partner's love map. And we've talked about this almost like a Facebook profile.
If you're not keeping up to date with your partner through these regular chats, these regular conversation, this regular friction, you're looking at their Facebook profile from 15 years ago and thinking they're the same person when really they've updated their relationship Facebook profile.
[00:23:24] Speaker A: And I love the millennial reference.
[00:23:27] Speaker B: Yeah, well, wouldn't that be MySpace? Was that, that's Gen. That's Gen X, I think so. You're, you're, you're, you're making all these decisions about yourselves. You're connecting with the person they were, not the person they are.
And you do that because you don't go deep enough, because that familiarity is being disguised as connection when it's not, it's just this illusion.
And the truth is, if you want to put, if you want to be an expert in anything, you have to dedicate time to it.
And I want to say we're not saying put 10,000 hours to become an expert in your partner, but damn right, put, Give it a fair crack.
[00:24:06] Speaker A: I think. You know, as you were talking about that, I was thinking about old friendships.
So we have friends we don't see sometimes for really long periods of time, maybe because they moved, maybe because life got busy or whatever. But you had a deep relationship at some point in time. And when you get back together, you say, I love them. It's like no time has passed.
But you also wouldn't deign to say, I know everything about them. I'm up to date. I'm, I'm their most up to date person. You would just say, I enjoy them, I love them. I, I have good feelings towards them, but you can't possibly know everything about them. You haven't kept up to date with them.
[00:24:46] Speaker B: No. And, and when they do come back, what do you, what do you do? You get curious.
[00:24:50] Speaker A: You get really curious. You have tons of conversations as fast as you can.
[00:24:54] Speaker B: If you're women and I know.
And men, you sort of just grunt a bit while you're having your beer. No, no. Boys are curious too. And I love Esther Perel, as speaks on this when she's talking about relationships and she says, we can all speak about trust, respect, love. But we rarely talk about the importance of curiosity.
[00:25:14] Speaker A: Oh, that was a good segue, by the way. That's a great question to tie into.
[00:25:19] Speaker B: That's why I'm here, baby.
[00:25:22] Speaker A: I find this super powerful.
Can't even get my words out when I get really excited about something.
If you take one thing away from today, literally one word from this, if you can't remember anything else, which is what I often have happen to me, just one core idea, make it curiosity.
Because if you start approaching your partner and your relationship with curiosity, your life will change.
Not, I know what they like. I know who they are. I know what their dreams are. But I wonder if they like something new.
I wonder what they've been thinking about lately. I wonder what they're dreaming about now, today, for the future, for a year from now, for 10 years from now.
Because we don't know exactly what you said. We have to update our love maps on our partner. We have to update knowing who they are. And in terms of intimacy. When people talk about emotional intimacy, knowing someone's inner world, truly knowing it, is where you build that emotional intimacy. Because they let you in, they drop their guard, they drop their vulnerability and say, I'm going to share me with you. And now you're in my orbit. So now we have a little bubble around us. We exist in this. In this world where I've shared myself with you and you've shared yourself with me. We've been curious and we continue to be curious, and nobody else has that because we know more about each other. We've built that emotional intimacy. And for me, I love that Esther Perel says we focus on these words like trust and respect as. As the cornerstones. But what are you trusting and respecting if you're not up to date on your partner? What are you building that trust and respect on? Old ideas.
How do you keep respect with your partner? If someone came along and said to you and your partner, what's her biggest dream? And you said something that you'd known for 15 years and you hadn't updated it, how respected do you think she would feel?
[00:27:32] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, how much trust would you actually.
[00:27:35] Speaker A: How much trust would you have between you? And she'd look at you and think, what?
I've been trying to talk to you about something else, you know, for a decade, and all you've taken is what I used to talk about 15 years ago because we haven't been able to have those proper conversations. You haven't gotten curious. You haven't dived into it with me. So that's why I love that. I think really, you know, what she's saying is underpinning all of this is the ability to be curious. And, and something. I will just add that I. One of the reasons, I mean, you do a lot of work in the curious space when you work in psychology, because it's. You have to. Otherwise you'd be judging people and expecting that you know the answer. When you work in the curious space or when you live with a curiosity, you grow so much because you're opening yourself up as well to other ideas, other. Other people's thoughts, knowledge, wisdom. And that is just a massive added bonus. Curiosity is, is the greatest joy of the, of having a big life, I believe. And, and, and the perfect example of that is within a romantic relationship.
[00:28:45] Speaker B: Yeah, curiosity is almost a bit like it's all. You're constantly moving forward instead of staying in the same space. And it's. I think it, I think it's a really simple concept, and I think that's why it's so important and a core part of what we're going to talk about today to give you the tools to be able to make that change, to start getting proactive in your relationship.
And I think sometimes when Kim and I talk and feel like you're going from 0 to 100, how can I make this big step? How can I make this big change? How can I change my mindset to being proactive again when I've got all this noise in my life?
You know, we want you to start small. We want those baby steps. And so we're going to take you through the three Cs.
You, you know, these three Cs will help you get proactive, learn more about each other, build connection, build emotional intimacy. And this is because these are the things that underpin a strong relationship. But we're going to start simple. We're going to start small.
So we want you to get comfortable, we want you to get curious, and we want you to get collaborative because we think these three Cs will actually help you start making change and updating your love map of your partner.
So let's start with one. Get comfortable. And again, this is sort of circling back to where we were at the start of this podcast, talking about Kim and I going for our walks. Because the space you talk in is just as important as what you're talking about. If you're struggling to bring things up or get the conversations flowing or every time you and your partner sit down to talk, you Know, face to face, it ends up in a bit of a barney or one of you shuts down. Go for a walk for 30 minutes with your partner.
Why? Well, because walking actually creates a comfortable space for conversation. And the research backs this up. Movement gets your bodies in sync. Walking side by side induces, reduces the intensity that people feel when they talk, especially for men, because this is how men back in the hunter gatherer days would talk to each other. They go out on the hunt or they go out tracking.
And so when men are face to face, it can be a bit too, a bit too intense, a bit too full on. So we like that side to side. Not only that, research shows that when you're moving in nature or moving anywhere, you can be in the middle of a city and the world passes through your eyes, it actually relaxes your nervous system. It's called bilateral stimulation and actually calms your nervous system down.
And so through all this, naturally, what will happen after about 15 to 20 minutes of walk ins, you will just start talking with your partner because you're in sync, because you're more relaxed, because you're side by side.
It's like your body is opening up a door that's been closed for so long because of all the stresses in the world. And the other thing is, I think the real kicker here is that because it is comfortable, because it is just a small walk, you can also make it a habit, which means you can have these conversations more frequently.
[00:31:37] Speaker A: I think the walking's a great starting point because it's easy to do, it's very accessible for people. There's a million ways you can move together that are more comfortable and achieve that get comfortable objective. But the walking is the perfect starting point. We know many couples who have said to us, he's, he and I, I'm in a gender norm. This, he started talking more. Now we're walking together.
[00:32:04] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:05] Speaker A: And I just love that. And I think a really great example for people, really great example. Beef it up a bit. But an example for people of where this is applied is in the movies, which, you know, base your life off those and life will be good.
In the movies, when someone's having a tough moment and they say, can you turn around? I can't look at you. Why? I tell you this, you know, they've got something vulnerable to say. Because the reality is humans find it hard to sit opposite each other and deliver vulnerable information.
[00:32:37] Speaker B: That gets your nervous system up.
[00:32:39] Speaker A: It does.
[00:32:40] Speaker B: And that gets all your defenses up.
[00:32:42] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:32:43] Speaker B: And so by walking side by side by Getting out and about you. Just like you and I talk all the time. I'm pretty emotionally literate, and yet I find it so much easier to talk about things and even come up with little pearls of wisdom, like.
But I'm more likely to do that on a walk that I am if we're just sitting face to face or if we're even side by side, just sitting down in the morning, on the afternoon, even with a glass of wine. I just know that the quality of our conversations on walk generally a lot better than the quality of our conversations when we're just sitting down and motionless. Yeah, that's how we've believed that one of the best ways is to. To get comfortable having conversation is just to start going for a walk.
[00:33:28] Speaker A: Okay, that's a great first C, Rogie. And our next one, our second C, is getting curious, which I've already hammered on about. So I won't go on about this too much. Uh, I talked about how important it is to be curious in life and particularly in your relationship. We've talked about the love maps and, and to know that I think this is a really beautiful.
Take this bit out of this section for me. You don't need a problem to have or start a meaningful conversation.
I love that because it says you can dive into a joyful, meaningful conversation just with a good question.
How fun is that? It really lights me up. We talk all the time, Roger and I, and I ask a million questions. I'm talking like, all day long and I will ask anything. Why something works a certain way, why it doesn't work. What does he think about what was in the press this morning? What about this podcast I listen to? What about this in life? Are you thinking about this? What about. I'm doing this in five years and it. I mean, again, I am a adhd, so I do get a little bit on a roll, but I know a lot about what Rog thinks and how he feels as a result. And we have a lot of joyful conversations on the back of this.
And, and if that sounds that, well, that's just not where we're at yet. I totally get it. Do you know what really started us in a beautiful rhythm of having open conversations was using prompter questions.
[00:34:57] Speaker B: And we still use them every morning. So Kim and I are very good at talking. We talk every day about everything, all the time, and yet every morning we still have five prompter questions to get that daily conversation going. So don't feel like it's a nap or anything like that. This is really key. Just the best interviewers in the world, they use prompter questions.
[00:35:21] Speaker A: So you guys could use some prompter questions. Here's three that we'll just throw out there for today. But there's literally hundreds of different prompter questions you can find. And I think. Are we going to do some prompter questions for the freebie for our subscription list?
[00:35:35] Speaker B: Yeah, there'll be a heap of prompted.
[00:35:36] Speaker A: Questions if we weren't. We are now.
[00:35:39] Speaker B: Thanks for the extra work, babe. No, no, they'll be on our. They'll be on our social media and in our freebies that we. We give away every fortnight. So.
[00:35:47] Speaker A: Yeah, on the subscriber list.
[00:35:49] Speaker B: On the subscriber list, yeah.
[00:35:51] Speaker A: So first question. What's something you've been thinking about but haven't said out loud? Such a sweet question, like, oh, let me. Let me see.
Second question. What's been making you feel most alive lately?
Another great question. What's been made? Like, I want to answer that now.
And third, is there anything I could do this week that would make you feel really seen or loved? I just think that's. That. That question's such a beautiful one because not only do you grow and learn, you also show a deep amount of care and intimacy in that moment. Just in that one question. You ask that question, boys, you're gonna get a lot of payback for that. That's a good question.
[00:36:32] Speaker B: Yeah, this is. This is easy win, guys. Literally, we're writing the script. Script for you.
So that's our second C. Get curious. And our third C is get collaborative.
And. And what this means is that the research tells us that how you start a conversation is actually the biggest predictor of how it ends. If you start with criticism, if you start with blame, what you'll get in return is defensiveness and withdrawal. But if you open with care, if you open respect, if you open with an intention to collaborate, to work together, you will get collaborative outcomes. You will get a collaborative response.
When you. When you corner your partner, whether you never. Or why don't you ever.
Or you need to. Or we never straight away, they're on the defensive.
And what do you actually want when you're having this conversation? What do you want? Well, you want change. You want things to be better. You want things. You want to be understood.
So you need to come through the. You need to look at this through the team lens. And again, we'll give some more prompter ways you can actually start conversations. So we'll give you some prompter questions to have the deeper Curious conversations and we'll give you some prompter, I guess, statements so you can start a conversation.
[00:37:48] Speaker A: That's great. That, that's really helpful I think because it's a really. It can be. I love this third C. Collaborative just means team. Yeah, it just means approach your. Your desire for change in your relationship from a team perspective. It's not I want change from you, it's I want our relationship to change. How can we do this together?
[00:38:11] Speaker B: It always is being like outcome focused. It's like what's the best path forward to the outcome? Was both of us working on the problem together, not one of us saying, well, this is the problem, you've got to fix it or I'm going to tell you how it ends.
[00:38:22] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:38:23] Speaker B: So start with something like, look, I've been feeling a bit off lately. Can we chat about how we're going and look at a path forward or I'm going to bring this up with some care because I've been feeling, I feeling like we haven't just spent the time we need to together to connect. So I hope you and I could come up with some ways that you and I could spend some more time together.
[00:38:44] Speaker A: I love that. Just that gentleness, that invitation to the conversation and the statement really in those. It's a statement of intention from the front end, you know, isn't it? I believe this is an us issue, not a you issue. And I want us to work on it together. And I'm doing it because I love you and I want a great relationship.
[00:39:03] Speaker B: Or we've had a tough week. What do you think are some ways that we could go about making it a bit more fun next week? I've got some ideas. These are the sort of ways that you could literally say, man, that was a terrible week. You did A, B and C. And knowing that you probably had a partner versus like how can we move forward and have a better week where. Where you're still acknowledging the the issue but coming up with an outcome focused solution.
So there are three Cs, guys. They're a simple way to make change in your relationship.
By getting comfortable, by getting curious and by getting collaborative, you have the power to take control of your relationship for the better.
You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your own relationship.
[00:39:52] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:40:02] Speaker B: And if you like today's episode. Please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:40:11] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
