Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:01 The last decade of our relationship has been big. We've changed entirely how we do life together and grown incredibly as a couple. Does that mean it was all smooth sailing? No way. But it was the way we tackled the rough waters that we are most proud of. Today. We're digging into lessons from the first decade of marriage together and sharing with you some of our best relationship insights for relationship success. Hey, we're Kim and Rod, and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
Speaker 2 00:00:31 We're a west Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should we think about the future as a field of possibilities and will let joy be our compass. We've
Speaker 1 00:00:40 Taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage, and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
Speaker 2 00:00:49 From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house ripping business, we've achieved some big dreams, and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
Speaker 1 00:00:57 Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team. These
Speaker 2 00:01:07 Are relationship conversations for real people buy real people. So sit back, get comfort from whatever tickles you, pickle, and enjoy living the team life. So today we're talking about some lessons that we've learned over the last 10 years of marriage. We actually celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago, and, uh, we went up for some Japanese, got some ice cream, um, had a really lovely time reminiscing some of the old days, some of the newer days, and also some of our dreams for the future. And so, yeah, we thought it would be a good idea to maybe talk about some of the things that we've taken out of the last 10 years.
Speaker 1 00:01:55 I think even just that, uh, intro, just telling people our, our date or our anniversary celebrations a nice one just to, I, I mean, we've got some other things that we wanna share with people, but that's a nice one just to jump in on and say, you know, we did a lunchtime date for our 10 year wedding anniversary. We didn't do anything huge. Our lives are somewhat restricted because we are parents who are also carers. We care for a child who needs additional help. So it, we really adapt the date to our lives and, and have an absolute blast. It doesn't have to be the big crazy celebration. The most important thing for us is to do something that we really love, that lights us up, makes us happy, and that's why we did the Japanese, which we love Japanese cuisine. It also takes us back to Japan. We talk a lot about skiing and, and that part of our lives. And ice creams. That was me because I absolutely love dairy, even though I shouldn't really eat it. And just a little walk through the city to have an ice cream's pretty romantic. It was, it was a pretty magic day. It's just a nice starting point as well when we're thinking about lessons from our marriage that one of the lessons I think like as an adjunct would be you do do the simple things that simple things make you happy.
Speaker 2 00:03:11 Yeah, they do. Appreciating the the simple things in, in life is definitely something that we've, we've learned and really shows how much we've grown over the last 10 years. Mm-hmm. And one of the reasons we wanna sit down and tell people some lessons, some learnings, is because we are actually happier in our relationship and doing better than ever.
Speaker 1 00:03:33 Yes, it's not, we are not here to preach to people, uh, because we think we know better. We're just sharing the things that we feel like have made a difference in our lives and, and if it has, has any sort of flow on or impact for others. That's beautiful. That's brilliant. These are lessons that have, have been valuable to us. Right.
Speaker 2 00:03:53 Take everything you need from it.
Speaker 1 00:03:55 Yeah. Or take nothing. <laugh>
Speaker 2 00:03:56 <laugh>. All right. So why don't you kick us off sweaty with your first lesson from the last 10 years of our marriage. Okay,
Speaker 1 00:04:02 Great. Uh, the first lesson that I wanted to share with people is the lesson of having a shared purpose with your partner and how important that is to a really strong relationship. I guess I wa I wanted to start with this quote. I've got a lot to say, but <laugh>, I wanna start with this quote first. So there's a Frederick Nietzche, and I hope I've said that right. I didn't
Speaker 2 00:04:21 Practice. Is it Nietzche Nitzsche? No,
Speaker 1 00:04:22 It's, it's a per look. You would know, you would think I speak German badly, but I do, you would think I could say it properly. I believe the correct pronunciation is Nicha Nicha. So that a e sort of sounds like an, ah, English,
Speaker 2 00:04:37 Like, like ninja
Speaker 1 00:04:39 <laugh>
Speaker 2 00:04:39 <laugh>. Okay. I
Speaker 1 00:04:41 Even going
Speaker 2 00:04:41 Confused the German ninjas. Oh
Speaker 1 00:04:43 My God. Anyway, moving on. Um, yes,
Speaker 2 00:04:45 Please continue. <laugh>
Speaker 1 00:04:47 Frederick Nicha is quoted as saying he who has a wire to live for can bear with almost any how. And I just, for me, that's just so poignant in h what's unfolded for us in our, in our last decade. Obviously we had a big dream when we moved to Japan, and I don't think we labeled it then. We, we weren't as cognizant as we are now of, um, the interlink between values and dreams and how important it was to really say those with a label and, and make them as concrete as we do now. We are very, we've got, we've got a process behind us now, but we were certainly following the principle of having a north star, of having a purpose. And that's one of the reasons we went to Japan. And behind that thinking for us, was that we wanted to be able to eventually in Japan be the master of our own days.
Speaker 1 00:05:41 We really wanted to be able to be there for our daughter, and we really wanted to be able to see more of each other. And that sort of, we couldn't name it poten perhaps back then. But, um, when we had to move home because our daughter needed more support after her autism diagnosis, we, we did set about labeling what that shared purpose was. And the word for us was flexibility. And that is absolutely what our North Star was moving to Japan, but we now had a label for it because we came home and we said, well, let's figure out, and we did a lot of talking, let's figure out what it is, what was our purpose that took us to Japan. And when we went through it and we, and we deduced from it, we did, we really like pe paired things back. We did a lot of discussing and trying to pull things out.
Speaker 1 00:06:36 And the one word that covered all of the things we discussed was flexibility. And when we had that word, we now had our North star labeled for us to be able to find out how we were gonna move forward. And that's that part of that, that Nietzsche quote when he says, you know, he who has a wire to live for compare with almost any how now we had to relocate countries, we had to change jobs, we had to let go of what we had in Japan, our home, we had bought, uh, your career, my business, these things all had to change. But that was okay because we were staying true to our why. Our why was flexibility. And with that why we then found another, how we found another, how, how do we live flexibly in Perth, Western Australia where we have certain obligations to our family, certain requirements for our family going forward that are going to need time from us. How do we manage that in Perth? And that's how we came up with our next steps because we knew what our why was.
Speaker 2 00:07:39 What really happened was we had a lot of options when we came home. And that could have been one of us go back to work in a corporate job full-time. Uh, that could have been us sitting and uh, renting That could have been us there, there were so many different options. But because we had that north star that, that re that one word flexibility, it allowed us to make our decisions more clearly. We knew what we could say yes to because it was aligned and we knew what we needed to say no to. Even if it was an opportunity. I, I was offered a job when I, when I came back to Perth and it was on a reasonable pay. It wasn't a super high demand job in terms of hours, but did it give us flexibility? No, it didn't. What gave us flexibility was what we ended up doing. And that was actually wor starting a business together and flipping houses.
Speaker 1 00:08:30 Absolutely. So, uh, that's my first one, shared purpose. What about you
Speaker 2 00:08:34 Raji? So for me, definitely, I think the thing that I've taken out of the last 10 years, and I'm gonna go way back to the actual wedding, is that the wedding itself isn't the pinnacle. It's actually just the start line. And what it means is the hard work starts now, you know, we get growth through fulfillment, we fulfill things through achieving something. We achieve something by setting to go out and do something. And I think a lot of people sit there and go, ah, we've got married job's done. But really when you get married, you should be looking forward to the future and figuring out how you wanna spend your lives together, what you want out of life, and how you're gonna go out and achieve it. And then to achieve something worthwhile, you have to put in the hard work. When you're working hard on something, it's real, real good to have someone right beside you who has your back and is working in the same direction on the same things as you.
Speaker 1 00:09:32 So what I'm hearing from what you're saying, correct me if I'm wrong, is I think there's this, this, this idea that a marriage is magical. The wedding day, sorry, is magical and you are heading off into your magical future. But what you are saying is we should view the wedding day as really the beginning of a very significant commitment to one another, to work hard together on the relationship forevermore.
Speaker 2 00:10:01 That's right. And the fact is that in Australia, the average age for, uh, a man and woman. And, uh, I didn't look at the stats for man and man and woman, woman, but I think the same thing definitely applies is that it's around about 30 years age, 29, 30 years age.
Speaker 1 00:10:17 When do they get married? That,
Speaker 2 00:10:18 That, that each of them are 29, 30 when they get married. Right? That's the average age in Australia. After 30, that's when life's really gets real. As in real tough stuff starts happening to you in your life. You start to have kids, you start to have mortgages, you start to guess second guess the job you've been in for maybe 10 years. You might have, we're
Speaker 1 00:10:39 Talking generally speaking
Speaker 2 00:10:40 Generally,
Speaker 1 00:10:41 Who have pretty tough scenarios before 30,
Speaker 2 00:10:44 But a hundred percent. And you know, you, this is generally we do talk in general, and I think that's okay. Uh, you know, in your thirties and beyond, you have parents that start to pass away or friends that might start to pass away. Life gets hard. And I think if you've got someone who's got your back, when all those life challenges hit you hard and you've been working hard since the first day you got married on your plan, how you're gonna achieve life together, what happens when things go wrong, you are in a much better place to deal with all those life challenges. So having a great relationship is like having an anchor in your life and you can get through so much more when you're together. What's your next lesson? Number
Speaker 1 00:11:30 Two for me was to look inward. And I think this is a, a really important one in today's day and age. I mean, everyone hops on about how nightmarish social media can be, and yet we're all complicit in keeping the social media growth going. So the question is, what can you do in that space? And for me it's about bringing awareness to the way you're approaching those things and the way you're approaching your relationship. And as I said, looking inwards. So rather than like, fomo right. Is a real thing. Yeah. Especially in relationships. And when people look at other people's relationships online, the glory photos, obviously no one's posting the crappy stuff. And this is a pet peeve of mine across the board because not only are most people not posting the crappy stuff, the people who say things like hashtag real, they're real photos are not crappy <laugh>. Yes. It's not, that's not real. It's, do you know what I mean? Like, it just, it, it irks me because that's even more damaging if you post a glory photo of a family holiday and how perfect everything is, you are saying, I want you to think it's perfect, but if you say hashtag real and your biggest struggle is getting your kid to eat breakfast, for most people, there's more real stuff going on than that hashtag reel. And it doesn't do much for their sense of understanding in the work life. And, and
Speaker 2 00:13:00 I'd argue that they're definitely not put, that's not the real hardest, the real hardest for
Speaker 1 00:13:05 That person posting it. Right? No, not at all. Coming back to the FOMO situation, in terms of the relationship, you can feel like your relationship isn't good enough. You can also have a sense of, I'm missing out on something which can cause further disconnection from your partner because why am I missing out? What's wrong with my relationship? All of these things. And the antidote to FOMO is to look inward. So when we say look inward, it's about figuring out what actually matters to you. And people say, I wanna do what matters. What they're saying is, I wanna figure out who I am and what matters to me. Yes, yes. What I value. Right? A hundred percent. And when they figure that out, when they figure out what their values are, all the other noise, it just erodes away. Because once you know your values and you start following them, you don't try to do what other people are doing.
Speaker 1 00:14:06 You stay true to what you know, you've worked out. It's like unlocking the secret to life when you figure out what your values are, what your dreams are, what your plan is, because it is your truest self. And I don't wanna get too Oprah ish, cuz let's face it, I'm not, go Oprah, I'm I'm not Oprah. I'll be your Gail. No, I'm not Oprah enough for Oprah. Oprah. Oprah. Can I still be Gail? You know, bow down to the, to the high priestess to the queen. She's so phenomenal. Yeah. The she's yeah. Don't get me started on Oprah <laugh> cry. No, I'm kidding. It is about, you know, she talks about the truest expression of yourself. And that's what happens when you look inward. And when you look inward as a couple together, you are finding your truest expression of the two of you, of your relationship, of that relationship entity we talk about. And when you, when your relationship is fully aligned to who you are as a human, there is nothing that penetrates that you can have all the outside noise in the world. It won't matter. You know, what you've got. I mean, he's given to me goosebumps saying it, you know, what you've got is what you want. You know that. And that's how you and I feel. And I think that that's pretty magic.
Speaker 2 00:15:12 Yeah. I, I think one of the things that I really learned as an adult, and this is to your point of looking inward, is you get to actually dictate what your definition of success is. Oh yeah. And for so many years, you know, I definitely, uh, wasn't an adult when I was 1820s, late twenties, early thirties. I was starting to get there. But definitely, uh, the last five to 10 years I 100% understand. And it's becoming more and more concrete every day. Is that what really matters is my definition and your definition of success, uh, the team's definition of success, really. And as a result, I can work towards that. And everything else is just peripheral. It doesn't matter. It's just noise. It's fuzz. And that FOMO you're talking about, yes, it does creep in, but because we're a resolute in what we believe our definition of success is, and we are looking inward, it does become just a bit of a noise in the background. Or we can, we can head forward.
Speaker 1 00:16:07 What's your
Speaker 2 00:16:08 Next one? My next one is from little things, big things grow. Great. Poor Kelly Song. One of my favorite, no, I think, I think viewership will die or listen. Listeners abandon abandon their headphones in masses. You see people running down the street. I
Speaker 1 00:16:23 Can hear it in my head, but I
Speaker 2 00:16:25 I don't. So good.
Speaker 1 00:16:26 We'll karaoke another time.
Speaker 2 00:16:27 We'll karaoke we'll do a, a video of us karaoke. A silent karaoke. Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, so no
Speaker 1 00:16:33 <laugh> <laugh>.
Speaker 2 00:16:35 So from little things, big things grow. You know, life isn't scuba diving naked on the Maldives and then heading in for a lobster dinner. Life isn't sipping champagne in the south of France at a chateau life is millions of little mundane moments. And I'm sorry,
Speaker 1 00:16:53 You lost me on the Maldives. I'm still there. Naked. <laugh> naked.
Speaker 2 00:16:57 Okay, well don't even get me starting thinking about you naked in the Maldives.
Speaker 1 00:17:02 Sorry,
Speaker 2 00:17:03 I'm gonna have to, I wonder. Spotify on iTunes will let me rate this. This is PG 13, Kim PG 13. Okay. So really, you know, in between those amazing moments on holidays, um, or you know, the wins you celebrate, it's actually the little things that matter. Uh, because in the end the little things are what add up to big things. So Gottman, who has the love lab and is one of the preeminent psychologists in this space, he talks about the magic ratio. So he knows for almost certainty, he said when people would come into his, uh, love lab into his counseling session, for every one bad interaction or poor interaction they had between them, there was less than five good interactions that were more likely heading towards divorce. So that's the five to one magic ratio. So what really I'm saying when I say from little things, big things grow, I'm saying bank, those little love interactions. Mm-hmm. You know, when you come home, at the end of the day, look your partner in the eyes and give them a kiss. When they leave in the morning, make sure you tell them love you. Say, please say thank you, do little acts of love and kindness.
Speaker 1 00:18:13 Ah, this has been a game changer for us. And everything's intertwined, right? Finding space to do these things also takes a, a shift in how you approach your relationship. So as you shift in approaching your relationship and figuring out what your values are and your dreams and your goals, doing the little things kind of comes more naturally, right? Because that is aligned to you putting that relationship as a priority. So it does kind of come naturally as these things sort of all unfold in your life. But for us, just speaking to what our lives are like today, we make a conscious effort to be kind, I think is the best word to describe it, to be kind to one another. And that kindness looks like empathy. It looks like compassion, it looks like consideration. So, you know, it might be empathy for when one of us is struggling. It might be consideration the person's had a long day. Maybe I'll give them a little five minute foot rub. You know, it could be simple little things like lining something up for them. Like something's annoying me on the computer and I c I go to the lou and I come back and you've lined it up for me and I've been fiddling with it and you've been listening to me fiddle with it. And it's just thoughtfulness, it's kindness.
Speaker 2 00:19:32 Going to a shop and buying two coffees instead of just one for yourself and going, oh, I didn't realize you want one, just buy one. Just buy one. <laugh>.
Speaker 1 00:19:39 Okay. That here to nerve, cuz you used to do that a lot.
Speaker 2 00:19:42 <laugh> bad example or great example.
Speaker 1 00:19:46 Great example. <laugh>. <laugh>. No, it absolutely the drinks thing when you go to the fridge, when you are getting dinner ready, any, all of those,
Speaker 2 00:19:55 Oh, when I get myself a beer and you're like, uh, Raj, did you ask me if I wanted one? I'm like, oh yes, yes. And I think when I do ask you or if I do bring you one, you're very happy. And you know, it's funny because we talk about chivalry a lot and is chivalry dead? We definitely do a potty on that. But even little things like leaving the toilet, putting the toilet seat down and leaving the lid up for you. There's lots of funny memes on the article about someone who's timed things about how much effort it takes a man versus a woman. But that's not the point. Guys are gross, in my opinion. Um, <laugh> and, and girls are dainty, in my opinion, <laugh>. And, you know, it is just a nice thing for me to do every time, you know, and just over time it builds up a little bit of a behavior, a little bit of credit in the bank. And if you do that absolutely. And a hundred other little things during the week, over time that five to one ratio seems to grow and grow and grow.
Speaker 1 00:20:50 Absolutely. Couldn't agree more. I think that's a, a fantastic one.
Speaker 2 00:20:54 Okay. What's the next lesson, babe?
Speaker 1 00:20:56 Uh, the next one I had was don't sweat the small stuff. This is quite a personal lesson arm for us because obviously becoming, uh, parents who are also carers and for anyone who doesn't understand what a a carer is, basically it's someone who has to support someone else in their life to be able to have in, well, the person's not having, they're dependent on you. It's a dependent, but not in the way a a child would be a dependent, there's another layer when they're children. They haven't, they don't develop necessarily the same capabilities of independence. So, so they're more dependent for things, ongoing basic things. Ah, I'll get, I'll get into that in another episode. To
Speaker 2 00:21:42 Access the world. Yes. They need additional assistance just to get anywhere near what a neurotypical or, um, inverted common normal person or
Speaker 1 00:21:52 Just to access their own world. Oh yeah. Not even the outside world. Like that's, that's another level.
Speaker 2 00:21:58 So they need someone generally full-time, whether it be a parent relative or, uh, assisted carer to help them just to live, just
Speaker 1 00:22:05 To get, that's, that's from a c carer perspective. And obviously there's, and even adults, carers for adults and, and for older, um, the older generation and, and I think we have about 2.7 million carers in Australia. So, um, yeah, just shout out to all the carers there. But what I'm actually talking about is when you become a carer, and especially when it's your child and you think about, start to think about the future differently, their future differently, your worries and concerns are quite different. Your worrying, will they be independent enough to access the world? Will they be safe in the world? These things are different to what, uh, potentially a, a family without this carer role would be thinking about. And it really, you know, for us, I mean to give everyone an example, our our daughter's non-speaking. So communication is our number one priority in a lot of, in, in all of the work we do. We, we have many other things we're working on, but we're, we're trying to help our daughter to communicate her basic needs, her thoughts, her her desires. It kind of puts everything in perspective. The little things that used to worry us. They just don't matter.
Speaker 2 00:23:28 <laugh>. Oh yeah. They just don't matter a hundred percent. I feel that previously, you know, when you're less busy, when you have less, I guess to care about, you care about the little things more. Oh, that's when you have that larger purpose. And this goes back to your very first lesson. When you have that larger purpose, you, you, you are more focused on the big things, the things that matter and our little one matters. And her life is tough. And so the things that I perhaps would've complained about or would've ground my gears or I would've stressed about is like water off her ducks back these days. Cause I'm sitting there going, how resilient is my little girl? Absolut? Absolutely. And I'm sitting here stressing about something that really in the big picture does not matter.
Speaker 1 00:24:13 I think even, you know, for example, she's been sick the last few days, you know, when she was a baby before we knew she was autistic and, and life was different, but we didn't know what it was. And we, we didn't have a diagnosis or anything. We, when you had a few sick days, you would think more about your own. Like, oh, it's so hard when they're sick. And it's so, and it is, it's really hard. And I'm not negating any of those feelings, but we have a lot more empathy for her and what she pushes through because she's sick and she can't even tell us what's happening for her. So, you know, rather than sweating the, the fact that we've just cleaned up spew for the 30th time on the off the floor
Speaker 2 00:24:55 Or the towels or the washing, we're not getting enough work done. You know, we're missing out. You missed out on your best friend's 40th on Friday night because she was sick. And do you know what, I think that's something in the past that might have upset the two of us. Yeah. And it was really, you know, someone who lives overseas and so you hardly ever, you see him once a year maybe, and you just so stoic, so resolute because all you really were focused on is the next 24 hours and getting our little one better. And also, as you said to me, because I was sitting there laying with her, sleeping with it, you said, no, I wouldn't be here to support you. And so for me, then of course I'm like, well, doesn't matter that I'm my neck's out, my shoulder hurts because I'm laying on a kid's bed with a little kid who's vomiting. It's because my wife's sitting there with a bucket ready. Could, could be, could be out. I said, you could go, could be out wearing some high heels and having a drink. But no, I think that was, um, that was something very special.
Speaker 1 00:25:51 Oh, you said that one better than me. <laugh>. That was beautiful. All right. What have you got next, Roger?
Speaker 2 00:25:57 Well, there's always a first babe. So, um, I think for me it's something I, I think's really something I used to be really scared of was planning for life and planning for the future. And I just want to say to couples, planning your life together isn't boring. In fact, it's super exciting and it lays the foundation for you to be more free in your life. Yes. I understand that people like, well, one of the problems with the marriage is we're not spontaneous enough. We don't do enough of the cool fun things. It's the same old, same old. But what I'm saying to there is, if you can get the foundation right, where you have strong routines, you have a plan of where you want to go, you have goals that you've set for each, uh, each year, um, you have dreams, you know where you're focused, you're focusing your energy efficiently and effectively. And then what that allows you to do is it allows you to enjoy the things, enjoy the things that really matter a lot more and a bit more free with the rest of your time and how you approach things. So
Speaker 1 00:27:04 I think the thing that's sort of, sorry to cut you off just popping up for me, is what you said earlier relates to this. It's in the little things, right? The little moments. And when you get clear with a plan and you get clear on your purpose together and your values together, and all of these things come together, we always talk about them sort of as a set. When they come together and you have this plan, what you find is it's in, it's in the little things that you are following for your plan that you get the joy. You don't need to jump out of an airplane and do a skydiving day and feel like, oh my God, I have the most exciting relationship. We did this spontaneous thing. Sure, if you wanna do that once in a while, but you won't need it because you will feel the fulfillment from following what you wanna be doing anyway. And plan, you know, it might sound funny to people, but there's, we, we derive a huge amount of joy in executing the plan for business, our business plans. Yeah. Yep. Because they have so much meaning to us. They're so deliberate and it's achievement. As humans, we, we love achievement and we are knocking things down, achieving things, and it feels amazing. It, it, it satiates that need we have for a sensation of, of shared joy together, shared accomplishment together that gets satiated in a, in executing a plan,
Speaker 2 00:28:26 Planning something, actioning it, and then achieving it builds connection between a team or a group of people. And so if you, a great way to, I've heard, um, uh, Adam Lane Smith talk about this again, another, um, psychologist. He says that for, for women, if you want to help bond with your man, while women bond best with oxytocin, men, bond best with vasopressin, and vasopressin is released when a male achieves with someone else achieves, uh, a goal and an outcome. So if you can create a mission or a, and a plan with your partner, your husband, and you can achieve it together, that's gonna bond you. And conversely, for women, again, I'm always a bit wary talking about what this is what women want. I'm not Mel Gibson, uh, or Helen Hunt is that Helen Hunt. All right. So <laugh>. Um, so I, you know, for women after that first 12 months of, you know, um, excitement in a relationship after that, what they wanna see in a man is that it's, he's safe and he's trustworthy, and that he's going to do the things that he says he does. So if you and your wife and your partner have a plan and you're going through and actioning that plan, you are building up a history of saying you're gonna do something and then doing it. And
Speaker 1 00:29:53 So that's what you're saying is it's hitting for both men and women Yes. In terms of bonding. Yeah. From a, from a chemical reaction perspective.
Speaker 2 00:30:03 And you know, what happens after you bond <laugh>? I'm winking, I'm winking to Kim. I'm winking to her. Yeah. I
Speaker 1 00:30:09 Don't think the world needs to see how awkward your advances are.
Speaker 2 00:30:13 <laugh>. Yeah. So that's how I do it. I'm like, well babe, we've just achieved something <laugh> just anyway, just a nice subtle, I won't, a nice subtle wink that gets re winked and re winked till you
Speaker 1 00:30:23 Think I've seen it.
Speaker 2 00:30:25 All right. So I think we've got one more lesson left. And it's, you, you, you, you demanded this lesson. Go in. Oh, I
Speaker 1 00:30:32 Don't think I demand things, Roger.
Speaker 2 00:30:34 No. Ridiculous idea. You put the, you put the requests through to
Speaker 1 00:30:38 The team. I put a nice, gentle, soft request to
Speaker 2 00:30:40 The team <laugh>.
Speaker 1 00:30:42 Uh, yes. Obviously this is one that's super important to us and is a big part of how we've grown and changed in the last decade. And if anybody follows this show closely, they should know this one because it's in the title. It's about being a team.
Speaker 2 00:31:00 Yes.
Speaker 1 00:31:01 If there's one thing in the last decade, and I honestly, I value all the things we've gone through today. There's, it's, it's actually really joyful to do this podcast and think about how much we've learned about ourselves and how much we've changed in the way we engage in our, in our relationship, and how we view the relationship itself. And it's so beautiful. I'm, you know, I'm actually like, I don't wanna be, I don't wanna have too much hubris, but I'm actually really proud doing this show.
Speaker 2 00:31:27 We, we sit down, we sit down every week and talk about relationships, and then we often will bring it back to our relationship. And it's really, it's really cool. Um, it's very, uh, therapeutic. And I think I'm seeing a lot of growth just from my side of things and in us, from us literally doing this podcast because
Speaker 1 00:31:47 We are reflecting on,
Speaker 2 00:31:48 Because we're reflecting on us, and I know, I know since we've started the podcast, we've become a, an even better team.
Speaker 1 00:31:56 Oh, gimme me all the feels today, <laugh>. Uh, so back to the team. And we talked about being a team in episode three. So if anyone wants to find out what we think, uh, the benefits of being a team are in more detail, jump into episode three. It's outlined there really clearly. Uh, but just some really quick brief dot points. The things that come about when you become a team with your partner and start treating the relationship as its own entity of which you are two team members are you one, get to share your mental load. That's massive because people think well may think, well, we share our mental load anyway. That's what a partnership is. It's not true if you're not in a full team, if you don't have that full sense of safety and security from the couple bubble, you will not be sharing everything with that partner.
Speaker 1 00:32:48 We've been there, we haven't shared versus how we share now. It is safe, secure. We know that letting things out, sharing our true, deepest, darkest mental load is totally safe in our relationship. That's what you get when you're in a team. Uh, two minds are better than one. When you're in a team, obviously you get the power of both of you coming at problems. I feel like when I have an issue, the first thing I wanna do is talk to Roger about it. And if I don't, I always hit myself when I do finally talk to him. Why did it take so long? Why have I been tussling with this on my own? I've got my, my best friend and my teammate right there, and he's got a whole other set of skills. So tap into that, share with him. Use his skillset, her skillset, whatever that is, builds trust.
Speaker 1 00:33:33 Being in a team obviously builds connection and trust. These are some of the most important things we talk about. The couple bubble, you know, having that couple bubble builds intimacy. It it, it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you invest into the couple bubble, the happier you are, the more content you are and more your relationship, the more content you are, the more you wanna invest back in the couple bubble. And it just goes on like that. And you just build layers and layers of trust, safety, security, intimacy, connection, all these beautiful things that enhance your life and enhance your relationship. Uh, and the bonding, obviously you bond when you fill out your own a team. And, you know, you were just talking about, uh, then Raji, the, the different ways that men and women bond and how they're, they're similar and certainly doing things together is, is it's teamwork.
Speaker 2 00:34:26 Yeah. And I think if you want to look at it from maybe not as a romantic side of things, it's also just an efficient use of resources. And then when you have a common goal that you are both working towards, it's an effective use of resources. You know, you need to be working on the right things in your life to get the best out of it. And then once you know you're working on the right things, you need to make sure that you're pulling your resources together efficiently and reducing waste. So that's, that's how if I was talking to a team in a business, that's how we'd go about it. And yet in, in a relationship, it seems to be like, oh, I can't think of a relationship like that. But you know, we're out here to achieve things in life. You've only got one life. You know, the world is tough and why not go about it? Doing it together as a team
Speaker 1 00:35:18 Couldn't have said it better. Completely agree. Don't find any of that unsexy. Find all that business relationship talk just
Speaker 2 00:35:25 Very sexy. Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 00:35:26 Oh yeah.
Speaker 2 00:35:27 <laugh>. I know what my, I know what my next card, my next Valentine's Day card is going to say. It
Speaker 1 00:35:33 Would not be a chat g p t generated one anyway. No,
Speaker 2 00:35:36 We are an effective team. <laugh>, <laugh>. I love it. I love it. So that's, that's some lessons from today, um, from our last 10 years of marriage. I think we've had a bit of fun on this podcast. It was always gonna be a bit of a laugh and a fun podcast. And, uh, what was your gold nugget, whether it was a specific lesson or whether it was just a takeout from all of it together, uh, to wrap up.
Speaker 1 00:36:01 Yeah, I, I guess for me the, it's the hard work. Uh, that for me is the most important thing because I think the stigma around work and relationships is just, it's so damaging. Relationships should be work. You should work hard at them and you will reap the rewards from working hard just like any other part of your life. That's part of being human.
Speaker 2 00:36:24 Yeah, I think that's the point is that we've been very deliberate about our relationship the last 10 years. We can look back and actually see there's lessons and things that we did, we very deliberately set out to achieve. These things just didn't happen by accident. There might have been a little bit of, Hey, look what we are doing. But once we realized we did it, we then I guess formalized it. And by doing that is we do write down our goals. We do write down our dreams, but we talk about our lives together a lot. We talk about things that are working and that aren't working. Uh, and then of course, starting a business and starting a podcast on relationships. You, you do realize that we can draw on a lot from our own learnings. Uh, and also, Val, be validated through some leading psychologists out there who are saying yes. You know, putting the relationship first is really important. Yes, working as a team is really important. Yes. You know, shared
Speaker 1 00:37:15 Purpose, shared
Speaker 2 00:37:16 Purpose, big
Speaker 1 00:37:17 One,
Speaker 2 00:37:18 Your who, you, who you end up marrying or partnering for your, the rest of your life is the biggest and most important decision you will ever make because it, the impact it has on your life and how you go about in terms of your happiness, what you want to achieve, how you feel inside yourself and how you feel towards others is so directly impacted by that. You are amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
Speaker 1 00:37:46 Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living, the team life, relationship, insights and conversations, head over to kim and rod.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
Speaker 2 00:37:57 And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
Speaker 1 00:38:05 Until next time, keep on living the team life.
