Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: You.
It sounds simple, right? Don't ask, don't get. And yet so many of us are not asking why. Well, that's what we're unpacking today, and we're adding another layer. After all, there are two people in a relationship. So what's stopping your partner from asking you what you need? Get comfy as we dig into some of the long held beliefs and ideas stopping people from asking for what they need or what their partner needs in a relationship. And we'll follow up with some ways you can start asking today.
Hey, we're Kim and Roger, and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:42] Speaker B: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should. We think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:51] Speaker A: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage. And it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:01:00] Speaker B: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house flipping business, we've achieved some big dreams. And most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:08] Speaker A: Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts, and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:18] Speaker B: These are relationship conversations for real people by real people. So sit back, get comfort, whatever tickles you pickle and enjoy living the team life.
[00:01:31] Speaker A: You today, we are talking about the topic of don't ask, don't get, and that is my saying, and I love it. It might sound a little bit aggressive to some people, but it's been an incredible guide through my life. And the reason that we're bringing that to the podcast today in regards to relationships is that we often hear partners saying that their partner is missing the point, they're not meeting their needs.
And we also hear when a partner receives that information, a lot of shock.
They can't even believe that this is being said because they didn't even know that their partner had needs they were missing. And what's underlying both partners comments or responses or thoughts or whatever you want to call it is really a miscommunication and a misunderstanding. So we wanted to talk about today why people don't ask for what they want and label some of those things. And it might ping something for some of you listening. Oh, maybe that's one of the things that's happening for me, and that's why I'm not asking can be really helpful when we label what's happening for us if we want to take control and make a change in the way we're doing stuff. We're also going to talk about why partners don't ask what you want. So if you're not asking for what you need, why isn't your partner then asking, well, what do you want? Why aren't they noticing that you don't ask for what you need? And again, understanding from the partner's perspective can be very helpful. And we're going to just offer some simple strategies to start asking for what you need in your relationship.
[00:03:29] Speaker B: This is such a good life lesson, not even just for relationships, but just how you should go about life. Because in the end, most people aren't there to give you a helping hand. Most people aren't able to read your mind or intentions, and they're very much focused on what they're doing. And yet we make these assumptions that things will just happen to us if we wish them to happen. Things will just happen to this because they should happen, or because that's what you deserve, or because that's what's fair. Well, yes, adults now, and what we've realized, if you don't ask, you don't get. And Kim taught me this lesson and since maybe ten years ago, since I started implementing it, and I really started to get brave, because you do have to be a little bit brave to ask for things that even if you feel like they're deserved or it's only fair if I get them. Often you won't get them unless you ask, because the other person doesn't understand or it's a prompt. So it's a great life lesson, but just as important is in a relationship, there are two people. And just like Kim and I, we've got different origin stories. Yes, we talk a lot, and yes, we are on the same path. We've got very similar goals and the same goals. We know each other, we've been together for 22 years, but we can't read each other's minds. We are different people. And so if I don't ask for something, I don't get. And if I assume that Kim's going to ask for something, if she needed something, then I'm making a poor assumption. So yeah, that's what we're going to talk about today. It might seem a bit funny at first. Don't ask, don't get. But it's a really important life lesson and I think even more important in the context of a relationship.
[00:05:12] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. So let's kick off and talk about why people suffer in silence, why people don't ask.
[00:05:19] Speaker B: Many individuals in their lives, and especially in their relationships, choose to endure dissatisfaction or unmet needs silently, instead of expressing the desires or concerns that are important to them. And there are a heap of reasons for this we'll just quickly go through. One is, which I think is a big one, is a fear of conflict. People think that if they ask, there's going to be a problem or there's going to be a fight or they're going to get turned down. Sometimes it's part of their personality, sometimes they're not someone who likes conflict and sometimes they're just so burnt out that they just really don't want to put themselves out there and deal with the consequences. They might not want to make the other person upset. I think there's a lot of times where we don't ask for something in our relationship because we don't want to make the other person upset. Even with what we want is something that will make both of your lives better or that will make something better for you. We might feel like we're a burden to our partner when we ask for something, which seems crazy, but definitely I think we've all felt that was like, oh, if I ask, that's just more stress on them. Or It's not fair, it's not fair. I'm just being selfish. I think some people don't know how to ask. I think some people literally don't know how to go to their partner and say, this is something I want, this is something we need, or this is something I'd like to do. Or they've got past experiences, know, growing up as a child, know, at work or with their relationships, or in this specific relationship where they've been told no, or if they've asked, it's caused an.
[00:06:57] Speaker A: These are they're great ones you've highlighted, Roger, some of the reasons or some of the factors involved in why people suffer in silence. I'll just build on that a little bit because I think this is a really important part of today's show, is helping people to bring awareness to what actually might be happening for them, because they might not have even thought about that, the fact that they're not asking, they might not. And when they hear this, they might recognize, you know what? That's one of the things that impacts me asking. I am trying to avoid conflict, or I am feeling like I'm a bit of a burden. So let's just expand on some of the other things that you might see in yourself. When you think about, why don't I ask for what I need in this relationship? What stops me at points asking for what I really want? So some of the other things as you said, Roger, the communication challenges can be a big one. So some people actually don't have the skill set. They don't know how to start the conversation. And it can be very tricky for people if you haven't had these sorts of conversations around asking about being because this is really a more assertive style. Some people haven't had training or aren't naturally assertive people. So, like, all these things which we talk about at living the team life, these are just skills. If you aren't naturally that way, that's fine. You can learn how to be that way.
You can do assertive skills courses online. I mean, the Internet's absolutely amazing with this stuff. So no one even has to know what skills you're building. If you go away and hear this and think, you know what? It would help me to do this then look it up, do something to build the skills. None of what Roger and I talk about can't be learned. It's all skill building, right? It might be something though, like you try to avoid vulnerability, you might find the sense of putting yourself out there really icky and uncomfortable and so you just think it's easier not to do it. Roger touched on previous outcomes from relationships might impact why you don't ask. You might even in this relationship have had a no and think well, that's what it is, it's just a no and I'm not going to push that any further.
Digging a little deeper on this for people who have had trauma in their childhood, who've had difficult households, difficult parents, they might have a very active nervous system, they might work very hard to protect that nervous system from getting engaged. They might spend a lot of their day trying to stay grounded because they're just really trying to protect themselves from feeling anxious again. And that's totally understandable. Again though, it's something you can work on, it's something you can build skills around, which is really encouraging for people that might be struggling with that.
Some people are really scared of being rejected. They find the idea of putting themselves out there and a sense of possible rejection, especially if they've experienced that again, previous parts of their life or previous relationships can be really hard. Some people's culture has really impacted the way they engage their partner because there are cultural expectations around staying silent and there are a lot of cultures that actually encourage silence. Some that you might not even expect it to be, but it is the given thing. Even things like the stiff upper lip, that sort of mantra of keeping it to yourself, sucking it in, sucking it up and just getting on with it.
Low self esteem can be another thing that really impacts people being able to ask for what they want. Some people don't feel worthy to ask and another one is obviously relationship patterns, which Roger touched on as well. Past patterns of behavior in relationships you might have tried to ask in a past relationship and that might not have been met very well by your partner and it might be really scary to try that again.
[00:10:44] Speaker B: I think through all of this, what we're hearing and seeing and I think we all would have felt this before is that sometimes it's almost easier to sit in dissatisfaction in you're not where you want to be and it's easier to sit there than it is to go through an uncomfortable conversation, which would actually make your life and your partner's life a whole lot better. And I wonder how many questions we are not asking in our lives to make them better just because we're too uncomfortable to ask the question. And you can see this on micro levels when you get a message or a DM or an email and you spend a week threatening going, oh Christ, I've got to answer that email. I've got to send that person a two second message back. And yet that barrier of discomfort, of not sending it seems to be easier than actually going and doing it, which would be then the job's done. It's like the creaky step that never gets fixed. Or maybe we don't ask for a raise at work even though that could end up being another 510 plus grand a year, making our lives a lot easier. Or we don't ask the neighbor to stop having parties after 02:00 A.m. Because we don't want to have a conflict with them and we bring this into our relationships. So that's why it's important that you got to ask, because if you don't, you don't get.
[00:12:19] Speaker A: And I think Roger, that's such an important point to just sit with for a while.
Change in life is uncomfortable.
There's no way to avoid that. So however, you need to come to peace with that and find acceptance in that. That's work that needs to be done. Change is uncomfortable.
You need to find a way to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
I highly recommend Mindfulness.
It's extremely powerful. It might not be for everybody, especially if people find that maybe a little bit even the thought of Mindfulness a little bit difficult from the get go. You might want to start with something a little bit softer. There's a lot of guided apps that can help you to support you to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Apps that do meditation. Again, I hesitate to use that word because I know a lot of people jump on meditation and say, well, I'm no good at it. But honestly, a guided meditation, there's nothing to be good at. You just listen to someone else talking and we can all do that. So there are ways to learn to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. But it's a really critical thing to do in life is to learn how to get comfortable.
[00:13:34] Speaker B: Yeah, look, the more you do it, the better you get at it. And that's why when they're training salespeople, one of the first things they'll get them to do is to make cold calls, which is one of the for me, I couldn't think of anything worse than picking up a phone to a stranger and trying to sell them something. It's not something I do, and yet it's one of the best techniques to get salespeople to learn to be uncomfortable, to continue to be selling, to always be closing. And it's that exposure, almost that exposure up front to that where after a while they're like, well, if I can do that, I can do anything. And this is very much the same thing where we do have all these almost legitimate reasons not to ask questions. But the more comfortable we get being uncomfortable, the more questions we'll be able to ask.
[00:14:29] Speaker A: Yes. All right, let's flip it over and have a look at why a partner doesn't explore the other partner's needs. Why don't partners ask what their partner wants? And again, this is a really great one to bring some awareness to people and offer up some insight into what might be actually happening for your partner. Because I think for some people, this can build a lot of resentment. When a partner doesn't ask what you want or what you need, it's, a sense of invisibility can occur. But let's just go through what might be happening for them, why they might not be asking. Some of the things that might be occurring for them are as simple as a lack of awareness. They may not even notice that a partner is needing something else or that they haven't checked in as to whether a partner might need something else. They make assumptions, assumptions that they already know their partner really well and what they need. They make assumptions that their partner would ask if they needed something. Some people make assumptions that their partner's needs are the same as their own. And assumptions is such a core part of why people don't ask their partner what they need or what they want. Because Roger and I, we've been together 22 years, you think, I already know what they need. I already know what they want. I don't want to put more energy into that, but it's just simply not true. We change and evolve and we need and want different things. It's really important to let go of those assumptions. But that is one of the things that can show up for people that can stop people asking. Another one is some people are inattentive. Some people are preoccupied with their own needs.
Some people struggle to know how to ask. We talked about that for people who are suffering in silence as well. And a last one that people might miss is stress can really contribute to your ability to engage with your partner. So a really stressed out person might be appearing inattentive and they are being inattentive, but it might not be so deliberate or so selfish as it might appear. They might just be really struggling.
[00:16:39] Speaker B: Yeah.
For me, I think a lot of it happens is because we're so busy with so many other aspects of our lives that it's easy to fall into those assumptions that you talked about previously, sweetie. Because if we actually had to stop and take stock of where we are in our lives, we would realize that our partners have different needs and that maybe we hadn't heard from them in a while. Which is a really odd thing, because I think we just make those assumptions that the status quo means that everything is okay, that of course our partners are happy. Otherwise they tell me the amount of guys have heard that. Yeah, well, if she wanted something, she'd ask me. Well, especially on the guy side is guys are pretty blunt objects often as well. And a woman might actually sit there and go, well, I actually did ask you seven times. And the guy's like, yeah, but you just didn't come and tell me outright. And it's like, yeah, but I didn't feel I could tell you outright. So I was going about all these little surreptitious or all these little other ways. I was trying to soften the blow. I was trying to work around the situation instead of just coming out and telling you directly what I needed. And the guy's sitting there going, well, everything's fine, because she just tell me if something was wrong, right? And you can see that after a long time that this resentment would build up and it just doesn't work. So yeah, I think definitely it's just as much a problem not to just ask for what you want, but it's really important to ask your partner what they want.
[00:18:14] Speaker A: Yes, I love that.
All right, why is it important to ask?
[00:18:21] Speaker B: So we've gone through why people might not want to ask. We've gone through why you might not want to understand what your partner wants, but it's important to actually touch on why it is important to ask these questions or why it's important to understand what your partner wants. And one of the biggest things is, which we often talk about, in fact, as a key pillar, is that people are always changing, and this is natural. And we can often feel with our partners that we are drifting apart if we're not working together on the same thing or aligned in our lives. Life isn't stagnant. Our relations aren't stagnant. Life changes. And as if you go through the different seasons of lives from you're both at uni together and then you're both working and then you have kids and the kids start to get older and then some of you is going to have to go back to work. So if you're still making all these assumptions all the time, if you're just thinking that everything's going to be okay, you're not going to be able to keep up to date with the way your partner is changing through those different seasons of life. And I always believe that time can work with you or it can work against you. There's no middle ground. The way that time works with you is if you ask for something and you come up with a resolution, then time's working for you. It's working for you because you're going in the right direction.
If you don't ask for something, time works against you because time then just pushes out that time of disconnection, that time where discomfort becomes resentment and then resentment becomes apathy. And then all of a sudden you find these couples that have been together for 1015 years and they just don't see the person in the bed next to them that they thought they were with, and that's just because they didn't ask.
[00:20:11] Speaker A: Yeah, I think what you're talking about, Roger, in terms of change, is such a big factor in why we brought don't ask, don't get to the table today change. We've spoken about this before, how important it is to understand that people evolve. People are evolving all the time and the relationship evolves, and we need to be open to that evolution. Change is exciting. Change means it's not going to be the same mundane, boring thing. Opportunity is going to arise, growth is going to occur. It's such a wonderful thing. Yes, it's uncomfortable, and yes, it's brilliant. So when we ask, we are embracing change, we're saying, I'm okay with you being different or wanting different things. In fact, I'm on board. I want to support that. Tell me how I can do that. Tell me how I can be your biggest cheerleader. What can I do for you? And that's such a powerful thing in a relationship. There are other benefits as well to asking what your partner needs and what your partner wants.
When we ask a partner this, we build a lot of safety and trust. Honest communication is a foundation for a safe relationship because it says, I can be vulnerable with you. I can give parts of myself, I don't show others, I can tell you what my needs are, and you're going to see me, you're going to validate me, you're going to understand and offer a safe haven for me to do that.
Building safety and trust is at the core of a good relationship. So creating that honest communication opportunity, asking what your partner needs and wants, is a great opportunity for consolidating or creating that really strong foundation. Another benefit to asking is it can be a conflict resolution strategy if we ask what our partner needs and wants. In fact, it's not even a conflict resolution. It's preventing conflict and misunderstandings because we're taking out that really dangerous thing assumptions. When we assume something, we can often end up in a state of headlock because we might assume it wrong. And as Roger said, that builds resentment. Resentment can ultimately lead to apathy. Another benefit of asking emotional connection. And this kind of builds on the safety and trust I mentioned.
When someone asks you what you need and what you want, or when you're asked, there's a caring and nurturing that comes into that space. And caring and nurturing are all about emotional connection and that's that bond we want to have. You know, when people talk about, I have this bond with my partner I don't have with anyone else, it's like magic that comes from care, that comes from nurture, that comes from knowing that person has always got your back. And that's a magical thing to have in a relationship.
It also helps to avoid resentment, which I've touched on just above in terms of the conflict resolution, which is actually more conflict prevention, resentment prevention, and it also builds mutual contentment because you guys get clear on what you each want and how you can work towards that together. That's how you find a content and fulfilling relationship. You get on the same page. You get very clear about what your needs are and what the needs of the relationship are and how you can go after them together.
[00:23:26] Speaker B: To boil it down, really, if you're not growing together, you're slowly growing apart. And what asking does is it puts you on the right path. Knowledge is power. The more you know about your partner, the more you know about each other, the more transparent you are. The better you can make decisions. The better you can make decisions for your own benefit and for the benefit of the team.
Your relationship isn't a game of poker where you've got to keep your cards hidden from each other. Put your cards on the table, let them see your hand and work together. Go forward and say, hey, this is who we are, warts and all. Because once you start talking about the little things, you can then start talking about the big things, and you can start to talk about your dreams, and you can start to talk about a future together, and you can start to talk about real cool things like a purpose. And we know, and the research tells us that couples who have a purpose, who have an aligned dream, who have an aligned future together, are way, way more happier than couples that don't preach.
[00:24:30] Speaker A: That was just brilliant. I 1000%, and I'm usually 100%, so I am a good 900% up on that. With this comment, I cannot more strongly agree with the metaphor of holding your cards to your chest or laying them out on the table. Your partner is not your adversary. You are not against them in a board game or a card game, whatever you want to. Well, it's called a card game. That is not the purpose of the relationship. It's not me versus you. Put the cards out on the table. Show them your hand. Let them know what's happening for you. Be open about what's happening for you.
Have visibility in your relationship. It is such a powerful thing. Do not hold your cards to your chest. Your partner is your teammate. They've got your back. Let them in. Let them be part of the team. Grow together. Find that purpose, like you said, Roger, I absolutely love that.
[00:25:32] Speaker B: Chips in.
[00:25:33] Speaker A: Chips, yes. All in. I mean, we've just like, mangled, that.
[00:25:37] Speaker B: Metaphor got to know when to hold it.
[00:25:42] Speaker A: All right, so let's get to the how to ask, and we discuss a lot around strategies for starting a conversation with your partner in episode 28. So anybody who really wants to know how to start chatting to their partner, you can tune into episode 28. I think that will give you a lot of clues on how to get started in a conversation. High level, the sorts of things to be thinking about, certainly choosing the right time and place if you want to ask for something or start asking or if you want to ask your partner if they have any needs or wants that aren't being met.
If we pick the wrong time, we risk creating a situation that we don't want to repeat. So be mindful about what time you pick pre. Think about what you're going to discuss in the conversation. Come prepared. It's very respectful to the relationship to come prepared for a relationship conversation. The relationship is its own entity and it deserves that sort of preparation and work and thought to go into it so that you can be as productive as possible when you do catch up together.
Listen carefully, people say active listening, you can call it whatever you like. I'm just saying listen carefully to what your partner has to say. That means be present, be attuned, be open, be curious. Don't assume you know the end of their sentence. Don't assume what's coming after that sentence. Just let them say what they need to say with you having an open mind, avoid blame. Ask open ended questions. Encourage them to explain further. Get specific on what they want.
Be their teammate in this. Be their support system. Clarify over and over in a kind way. Show kindness in the discussion.
Then there's a really great part. Brainstorm solutions together. Ask them if they want you to do that. Ask them if they want you to help them brainstorm solutions. Actually, that's a really important point before you do that because sometimes people just want to be able to say what they want to say. But if they really have a want that they need the unit to support, then they should be on board the unit. Coming up with some solutions together for that. Want working through that together.
Make a time to follow up. Make sure that you're saying, this is important to me too. When can we follow up and talk about this? Check in that your partner has felt understood. And then just remember to be grateful together for the fact that you're having this conversation. You're in a really great place if you sit down together and have this conversation and that's something to be grateful and really proud of.
[00:28:11] Speaker B: Yeah, my tip is be brave because I guess the point of this podcast was no, it's not easy. That's why we don't ask and that's why we don't get. So be brave instead of sitting in that dissatisfaction and sitting in that discomfort. Be brave. Have that uncomfortable conversation. Because often in life we're only one uncomfortable conversation for making a positive change. And in the end, both of you want a good outcome. You want a good relationship and we just don't always know how to get there. But just like anything you do in your life, if you're brave, you take that initial step and you have that conversation. Even it. Doesn't go 100% the way you want it to go. You've had it. You've had that first conversation and the next conversation, you're going to get better and better, and you're going to learn that actually asking for something I need or asking my partner if they need something isn't that hard in the first place. Having tough conversations, yes. Well, they're tough, but the other side, once I've had them, is so much better than sitting in that. Don't let that conversation with your partner be that email that's been sitting in your inbox for three weeks just gathering dust. Don't let it be that DM that you need to send, that you need to answer. Have that conversation today.
[00:29:37] Speaker A: All right, Roger, what's your gold nugget out of today's? Don't ask, don't get.
[00:29:42] Speaker B: The gold nugget I have out of today's? Don't ask. Don't get? Really? Is that guys ask your partner what they want or how they're feeling. Don't just make an assumption.
I'm preaching to the guys. Here is I ask your partner, how are you feeling about something specific, or is there anything that you want to bring to the table today? Put your cards on the table yourself or be vulnerable yourself and actually say to your partner, here's something I want to talk about. Is there anything you want to bring to the table?
[00:30:17] Speaker A: My gold nugget was your comment about being brave.
You absolutely have to show bravery to get past the discomfort.
Life is better with bravery. If you take this step towards getting to know your partner better, being more open and transparent in your relationship, if you put your brave foot forward, ask for what you want or ask your partner what they want or need, it will move you forward. You will grow in your relationship, and your life will improve. We are all about improving the quality of life that you have with your partner in this podcast. That's what we're here for. So, yeah, that's my gold nugget for today.
[00:31:13] Speaker B: You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:31:16] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more Living the Team Life relationship insights and conversations, head over to Kimandroj.com, where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:31:27] Speaker B: And if you liked today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy, and it'll make us really happy.
[00:31:35] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
