Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:03 Let's talk simple words, yet they can make our hairs stand on edge, isn't it? Curious how we can live our lives side by side with our partners, yet find it so challenging to simply sit down and talk about what matters most. In today's episode, we deep dive into this conundrum of why opening up to our loved ones is so hard and what makes it crucial to the health of the relationship. And for those seeking practical advice, we've got you covered with three simple steps to pave the way for more meaningful regular conversations with your partner.
Speaker 2 00:00:36 Hey, we're Kim and Rod and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
Speaker 1 00:00:43 We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should we think about the future as a field of possibilities, and we let joy be our compass. We've
Speaker 2 00:00:51 Taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage and it's been a game changer allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
Speaker 1 00:01:00 From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house ripping business, we've achieved some big dreams and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
Speaker 2 00:01:09 Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts and tales from our own lives. As we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team. These
Speaker 1 00:01:19 Are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfortable, whatever tickles you, pickle and enjoy living the team life.
Speaker 2 00:01:35 So today we are talking about how to get the conversation with your partner started. And I know this can be a really tricky one for people. A lot of people are at different points in their journey of development and curiosity around development individually and in regards to the relationship. And so they might have this sense or they do have this sense that they don't know how their partner is going to get engaged in the conversation, how they're going to get their partner engaged in the conversation. And that's what we wanted to cover off today. We really wanna talk about how to get the conversation with your partner started.
Speaker 1 00:02:21 Obviously, you know, on living the team life, we're really looking at at strategies and ways to become a team and improve your relationship and live your best life with your partner. But sometimes, well, maybe a lot of the time it's actually really hard to just get your partner to the table to talk about your relationship, let alone other decisions and areas in your life. And we're not being judgmental here 'cause it is really hard and it's something that Kim and I really, really struggled at at the start of our relationship. Oh
Speaker 2 00:02:51 Yeah. So in the beginning decade or so of our relationship, I think we were in different rhythms definitely. Uh, at different points in time. I was much keener to discuss a lot of things. You were much less keen. But we also didn't have the overarching understanding of why we would wanna be at the table. Like we had never mentioned that we wanted to be more purposeful or be more dream oriented as a couple. And I think that would've shifted things quite a bit for us. We, we just thought, I think what we had let grow was that we only ever came to the table for problems and, and not just problems. Big
Speaker 1 00:03:30 Big problems. Yeah,
Speaker 2 00:03:31 Big problems. <laugh> and in a really negative way. We didn't come to the table like, absolutely you've gotta come to the table for problems. But we didn't come to the table with problems to find a path forward. We came to vent about how upset we were.
Speaker 1 00:03:46 Yeah. Or problems. It was things were at a boiling point. It was almost like we waited till the very last moment. Yeah. To go, okay, we better resolve this. Otherwise things like we're gonna break up or things are gonna get really bad or we're gonna spend another two days not talking to each other. Oh
Speaker 2 00:04:02 My god, I can just remember and I just feel so bad now. I can remember I used to say to you, you'd walk in the door and I'd say, we need to have a chat
Speaker 1 00:04:12 <laugh>. Oh I actually do. I didn't like as well. It was like you'd, or you would try schedule in a chat letter and you'd go, babe, we need to talk about us. Can we do it this afternoon? And I'd just sit there going, oh my God, how am I gonna get through the morning? I'm gonna be so stressed thinking about the conversation we're about to have. But you know, I'm so sorry. Oh B, you don't need to apologize. Because the truth is, I also was never showing up to have a conversation. I think I, you know, I was too cool for school. I was sitting there trying to avoid conflict.
Speaker 2 00:04:42 I think more the avoidance, like, I don't even think you were too cool for
Speaker 1 00:04:45 School. I think I was too cool for school. Uh, let's
Speaker 2 00:04:47 Go. No, there was no too
Speaker 1 00:04:48 Cool. Can we put a poll? Cool. Can we a I wasn't the issue. Can we put a poll up? Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:04:53 <laugh>.
Speaker 2 00:04:54 Okay. Alright. So yes, you're a hundred percent right. We, we, we didn't do this well, but we have definitely in the last decade learned how to talk really well. It's our default mo default mode. Now we, we talk about everything and that's actually what, what the purpose of this podcast is today. It's actually to have a shift. We are not saying how to get your partner to the table to start talking about one thing, the ultimate goal for this podcast, and it's gonna take a lot of time, but the ultimate goal is actually to shift the rhythm of the relationship we are talking is the default. So to end up in a position like we are where the relationship has a rhythm of sharing, being transparent and talking through things together as a team.
Speaker 1 00:05:36 Yeah. And it is so hard to start. It is hard to get your partners to the table sometimes. It's hard to be the one to talk yourself sometimes because there's so much, we bring so much baggage. It's so funny. We talk about baggage, people bringing from their previous relationships when you've been together in a long term relationship. Trust me, you've got, you've got baggage you've brought in from your own relationship. And I think that's something that, you know, a lot of people don't realize and they bring that into their conversations or assume the other persons bring it into their conversations. And I know Kim and I had to let a go of a lot of our baggage to get to a stage where we're talking every day, but practice makes perfect. And what we've done over the last five to 10 years is we've made this a habit. It's our default mode. It's the way we operate. And now we can talk about anything from the mundane and suddenly slip into our dreams and amazing life changing decisions.
Speaker 2 00:06:28 I just wanna touch on what you said because I think it's, it's really important, the baggage you bring from your own relationship, which undoubtedly our target audience. We, from our demographics and the people we engage with, we know they're in a longer term relationship, right? So they definitely have relationship baggage, which you can develop pretty quickly in a relationship anyway. It's one of the reasons I think people, like, one of the core reasons people really struggle to have conversations. They've been burnt. They've been, they've been affected by negative conversations before or patterns where things have, like we had, things were left to build up for too long. And so it is scary to come back to the idea of talking with your partner and we'll touch on how you can make that feasible. How you can make that accessible. How you can start talking again even when you've had a lot of bad experiences with trying to talk with your partner in the past. Well
Speaker 1 00:07:25 It's a catch 22, isn't it? You need to talk to your partner so you can really release that baggage and help them remove that package. But you've got so much baggage that you don't want to talk to your partner <laugh>.
Speaker 2 00:07:38 Oh yes. The conundrum about
Speaker 1 00:07:40 But but it is but it is important.
Speaker 2 00:07:41 It is important. So we, we really are talking about making a, a shift in the relationship, as I've said to a, to a different state where it's, it's the rhythm of the relationship that you are talkers. You know, you are gonna go from being people who don't talk to people who do talk. You're going to go from people who don't share to people who do share.
Speaker 1 00:08:05 Why it's important is because if we're not talking about the little things, we're not sharing the little things, we're not having these sort of little conversations, then we definitely aren't talking about the big things. Big decisions require big discussions. And if we're not having them then we're not taking control of our lives. Because if we're not having discussions with our partners, we're making uninformed decisions. We're making one-sided decisions, we're making decisions that might break trust and connectedness and we're also maybe losing control of our lives.
Speaker 2 00:08:36 Yeah, you're you're right though roji, it is ultimately about whether you wanna be intentional in life together as a team or whether you're gonna be unintentional. And that's that floating through life, that's being out of control in life. There's so much in this one precious life you can do. There's so much you can be in this one precious life if you are not intentional about it. If you're not deliberate with your partner, that's never gonna happen.
Speaker 1 00:09:00 Guessing and making assumptions about where your partner wants to go, where you want to go and where you want to go together. Gee, that's so, it's such a risk. It's your life. Yeah. Yeah. And yet we, we so easily fall into that pattern. And again, we don't want to, we don't want to be judgmental or blame it 'cause we did it for 10 years, but we just know how good it is on the other side.
Speaker 2 00:09:20 Yes. I love that. Alright, let's, let's unpack then a little bit about why we see people having, uh, difficulties in talking together. Because I think it's really important to name these and, and have them out there for people to understand this is actually what might be contributing to your difficulty. Some people might say, yeah, we have trouble, but I don't know why we have trouble. So let's run through a few of these. First off, people often have a fear of conflict.
Speaker 1 00:09:46 Fear of conflict was a massive one for me. A lot of it was to do with the, the emotional intensity of some of our discussions because we had let them simmer for so long and because I was constantly just avoiding them, avoiding, avoiding, avoiding. By the time we got to have the conversations, they they were huge. They were heavy and I just wasn't emotionally prepared for the intensity of them.
Speaker 2 00:10:11 I think fear of conflict runs both genders. I know a lot of women who will do literally anything to avoid conflict. I can't tell you how many times I've had a conversation with someone and they've brought up something that's really upset them. Not just in the relat the romantic relationships, something in life and they've said, but I just didn't want to deal with the conflict. I'm not a conflict person. Nobody is a conflict person, let me tell you <laugh>. But it's the truth of it. I i i it really like so many people say, I'm not a conflict person. Nobody's nervous system is built to want to be disrupted. It's not how we're wired as humans. But the reality is you're going to have a little bit of discomfort when you get to the table. That's life when you are brought. I mean, how much discomfort do we go through in a day when we're yabbering away at each other?
Speaker 1 00:11:00 I think a lot of in the, uh, development space, the motivational space, they talk about get comfortable being uncomfortable and, and it's very true. Sometimes it can see a bit naff when it, when they talk about it. But it is really true that you do need to get comfortable being uncomfortable in conversations with your partner. And you know, I think another one of the reasons I used to avoid conflict was 'cause I also didn't want to address certain issues in my life or our lives. And so it wasn't just the conflict, it was the actual topic matter as well where I was, especially in my twenties, I was like, gee, I don't wanna have to deal with that. I don't wanna have to deal with that now because there'll be a resolution out of it. Or I'll, you know, maybe it's something I'm ashamed of or maybe it's something I'll need to change, which means I'll need, I'll need it to do more. And so like everything we do when we don't really want to do it, we put it off.
Speaker 2 00:11:50 Yeah. I think like, I just have to counter that with my, my position in our twenties because it certainly wasn't all you, you know, as the reason that we didn't talk. I think I brought a very black and white perspective to the table. It was one way or the other. And when our conversation didn't go the way that I expected it to or wanted it to, I was very reactive to the conversation. And I think that would've scared you as well. I look back now and you know, obviously I've developed my skills a lot in that space and, and my own, uh, I've done a lot of introspective work and my own personal development and journey. But the reality is it would've been hard for you because I was a very black and white person then. And I, I struggled to see the world outside of that black and white. And so obviously, you know, it was hard for you who wasn't always in black and white. You're definitely more gray. Naturally it was, it would've been a difficult space.
Speaker 1 00:12:44 You can see there, the dynamic between Kim and I and you might have a different dynamic, but there is a dynamic. Yes. You know, and, and great point. Some of the other things can be a bit of a power imbalance. And we spoke about this on our podcast, on how to start talking about money with your partner, how someone might be more financially literate and as a result there's a power imbalance. And so it's harder for the other person to come in and and talk to 'em about it. But this can just be general. Some people are just better at discussing stuff, better at talking or more likely to bring up issues than the other person. And that power imbalance straight away goes, well if I get into a conversation I might even have something to say or a resolution I want. But because I don't know how to talk, I don't know or you know, my partner's a much better talker than me or a better debater or maybe they're just a bit more, they've got a more of an eye on will than I do. I'm not gonna get what I want to anyone. I'm not gonna have a voice so I'm not gonna, uh, I'm not gonna engage.
Speaker 2 00:13:38 I a hundred percent, a hundred percent agree with this. And I think this is what happened for us a lot. I was definitely the more experienced talker I talking through issues came much more easily for me. Although clearly not necessarily super productively. But as a result you, you experienced a power imbalance in that space, in the talking space. And what I didn't do, it kills me when I think back to it. I didn't have your back. I did not have your back. I did not acknowledge there's a power imbalance here. Talking is easier for me, it's more natural for me. I need to support him in this conversation. And it's not about me making all these accommodations for you. It's about being a teammate and saying this is a power imbalance and I need to do more to support that person so that they're also comfortable in sitting 'cause I'm already comfortable sitting at the table.
Speaker 1 00:14:35 Yeah, I think that's a great point. And I think that's what one of the key takeouts of our how to talk about money with your partner was that if you are a bit more financially literate then you need to be able to simplify and explain it and create the space and we'll get onto that soon. But what I do love actually about what you said is you didn't know how or you weren't doing it properly. So even though you were better at talking, you didn't fully know the reason how and I definitely didn't know. And again, this is not something they teach you. That's
Speaker 2 00:15:02 What it all comes down to. We are teaching skills here that often are not taught and we have to learn the skills we have to practice the skills we have to work at the skills. That is what that is what we're talking about. So yeah, I completely agree.
Speaker 1 00:15:14 And of course the longer you leave talking to your partner, it just gets older, it gets staler, these assumptions build these misunderstandings, build things boil to the surface and we just decide it's just all too hard.
Speaker 2 00:15:27 Okay. So there's a really important element in, in this conversation we're having around how to get your partner to the table. And that is what does a being a team look like? We've already touched on here now Roger, with how it was for me in terms of having that power imbalance and what I'm, what I'm trying to get to is, you know, people will be asking, do I drag my partner to the table, right?
Speaker 1 00:15:53 Or how do I drag my partner to the
Speaker 2 00:15:55 Table? How do I drag my partner to the
Speaker 1 00:15:56 Table?
Speaker 2 00:15:56 <laugh>. And, and the reality is you cannot drag someone to the table. We've seen people talk about in other relationship relations
Speaker 1 00:16:07 Podcasts or online
Speaker 2 00:16:08 Whatever, they say things like, and we're not trying to diss anybody, but we, we firmly disagree with the position that you should do it first and do it on your own and then, and then effectively drag that person along for the journey. Yeah
Speaker 1 00:16:21 Babe, if your partner's not getting involved you just go do it yourself.
Speaker 2 00:16:24 Yeah, no we don't, we we don't believe in that. This is a team journey and there are ways to involve your partner in the team journey through support that look like you becoming a team from the get go.
Speaker 1 00:16:38 Yeah. You need to bring your partner on the journey and probably more often than not one of you is gonna be maybe a bit further along in your personal development journey or believing that you do want to get the best out of your relationship because we are busy and it is hard and you know, you have to understand that decisions you make. So if you decide to go off on your own and not bring your partner along, they're still gonna affect the whole ecosystem of the, the relationship in the household. They're gonna affect your partner, they're gonna affect your kids and that's gonna affect you. You know, so you can't just charge off by yourself 'cause that actually still breeds that adversarial mindset. Absolutely. We're trying to get away from and what you'll find as you actually widen the gap. Yeah
Speaker 2 00:17:20 I couldn't have said that was the words in my head was you are just going to widen the gap if you don't get focused on how you can support your partner. That's the word we wanna be thinking about here. So if you've got more resources than your partner right now or you are more curious about developing the relationship, right, that's fine. That's absolutely fine. But you're not going to go about getting your partner involved by either heading off on your own direction and widening the gap or grabbing them by the collar and and dragging them along. What you can do, and this is a really important difference, you can do some of the heavier lifting. That's what we are asking. It's, it's not about going solo, it's not about dragging the partner, it's about supporting your partner and that is heavier lifting that is more work for you. But that's what being a team is. Sometimes one of you will do the heavier lifting in the leadership space 'cause this is what it is. You'll end up leading the team in this moment because you have the resources or you've come to that point earlier in life than they have. Right. That,
Speaker 1 00:18:22 That's exactly it. Because that's what leaders do. Leaders don't just go, alright, my team's falling behind, I'm just going solo and charging on doing this myself. No, they bring everyone together. Yeah. They pick up the last man or woman standing, they, they figure out a way to motivate their team and that's what CEOs of good companies do. That's what team captains do. You know,
Speaker 2 00:18:43 You think about being out on a hike or a walk or a run or anything like that in a group. You don't run at the speed of the fastest person. You get the fastest person to drop back and run behind the slowest person.
Speaker 1 00:18:55 Yeah. Remember we were doing
Speaker 2 00:18:56 Not to push them to support them.
Speaker 1 00:18:57 Remember when we were doing Tough Mudder and I think it was one of those 21 K ones and I think by about the 17th, 18th k my calves were gone and you guys, you know, you didn't just nick off by yourselves, you sat you, you weighed for me, you pulled back, you supported
Speaker 2 00:19:12 The whole team. Pulled back where it was a team event
Speaker 1 00:19:14 'cause it was a team event. The whole point was us not, if one person had nicked off her head and gotten a better time. Well there was pointless. It's a team event and you know, never
Speaker 2 00:19:23 Would've gotten over that wall without the whole team Anyway
Speaker 1 00:19:25 <laugh> No, no. You know and tell you what, you know, marriage is a team event, marriage is a team sport,
Speaker 2 00:19:30 Marriage is a team event. And you know what, sometimes you'll be the leader that needs to drop back and pick up your partner and sometimes they'll be the leader that needs to drop back and pick up the partner. But you wanna pick them up with support. Just like I love that tough nutter analogy. What a great memory from forever ago in that we didn't, the person, like the team didn't come back and say Hurry, hurry up. Roj the team came back and said, Hey mate, do you want a banana? Do you want a drink? What can we get you? You know, you're doing such a great job right now right here. They just, they lifted you up and
Speaker 1 00:20:00 Supported you. Yeah. They made sure I was, you know, first over the wall to have a breather so we could get up. Yeah, it was great. So we're here to give you three tips on how to get your partner to the table. And this is not just to talk about your relationship, this is to talk about anything
Speaker 2 00:20:16 Such an assertive intro to the next section.
Speaker 1 00:20:18 We are, I'm here to give you three tips. <laugh> <laugh>.
Speaker 2 00:20:23 Alright so, so the first thing we would suggest is starting small. And as I said a minute ago, these are skills we are teaching. It's going to take time. You don't learn a skill overnight. You don't learn a musical instrument overnight. You don't become a five K runner overnight. You don't learn really anything. You don't become a great chef overnight. Any of those skills you think about that you've learned in your life or in your, you're learning now, maybe it's going to take time. Part of that starting small is start in a space that is not going to cause harsh startups. That's not going to have a huge risk of conflict. That means start in a positive space. Don't start on a topic or start in a way that is going to be construed by one partner as an aggressive start, as a harsh start.
Speaker 2 00:21:13 It's, it's just not going to work. And for all those people thinking as I'm saying this, oh you're making me panda. 'cause I know for women this is hard. Now I've gotta tiptoe around his feelings. If, if it's the woman that wants to start this, which most of our audience is women, but you know, if it's the man, great. But say it's the woman and she's thinking, here I go again. People telling me to be careful of my partner's feelings. It's not that I'm going back to the leader part. If you're ahead of your partner in wanting to grow your team, if you're ahead in wanting to build those skills, then you're gonna have to support them to get where you are.
Speaker 1 00:21:46 Yeah. It's not pandering to support your partner bringing them to the table because two things are true. It's important that the person initiating the conversation creates the safe space in order to do it. And then it's also important that the partner who is being brought into that space is accountable for showing up and engaging. It does take two to tango,
Speaker 2 00:22:08 Right? They might need more support, but they do still, we do still hold them to the, to the standard of being a responsible adult, which is their being accountable for showing up, being accountable for engaging. When you do show them the support, when you do show them how to get started. So in this start small, which is our first, first tip for how you can get talking in your relationship, I give you a specific example so that you can, if you're like me, get really visual about it. For example, if your partner comes to you and says, I would like to join the local running club, I wanna join a weekly running club. So you start thinking, what does that mean for me? How much time are they going to be there? The red, the
Speaker 1 00:22:51 Red flags start going up, they start, what does this mean? What are they gonna take for me? What are we doing
Speaker 2 00:22:56 Exactly. So when you wanna start small, you need to think about, okay here we go. This is something I'm gonna need to talk to them about. I wanna have a discussion with them about it from a supportive standpoint. So start small, this is a positive space because your partner wants to do this. So start on a positive topic and say to them, could we have a chat about how we as a team, the relationship can support you to do that, to go to the run and what that will look like for us and the family in supporting you. Could we set a time to do that?
Speaker 1 00:23:31 Yeah, I think that's great. 'cause what you're doing there is it is something that your partner wants. They've said to you, Hey can I do this? Or I'm going to do this and you want to discuss it with them and instead of just shutting it down or even on the opposite side, just saying yes and not thinking about it. Actually going and saying, hey let's do this. And scheduling it in starting small and starting positive. Step two is you've gotta create the space for the conversation. Where and when you have these discussions is just as important as what you are having the discussion about.
Speaker 2 00:24:07 Yeah, absolutely. And in this area, in creating the space for the discussion, if you can, thinking about what's a space in time that is consistently a space in time that you could have a chat, right? Because ultimately you wanna build your ability to have a conversation. So if you decide like you know what, Sunday morning, Saturday, maybe you've got sport with the kids Sunday morning the kids are gonna be watching cartoons from, I don't know what time your little grommets get up six 30 till seven 30. So you know you've got an hour on Sunday morning where you could actually just sit together and have a conversation. So you start small with raising the idea of having the discussion. Then you guys wanna set a time, create the space and time to have it where you might be able to repeat the activity in the future. So thinking about what time in the week you have that that you consistently have where you two could actually have a meaningful conversation. And the other part of this is where you actually go to have the conversations, right?
Speaker 1 00:25:12 Yeah. Don't, don't go where you often have your habitual day-to-day conversations. Don't sit in the kitchen, don't sit at the dining room table, don't sit on the lounge in front of the tv. If you can go out the front, go out the back in the sun wacko beanie and some jumpers on if you are, if you're in a cold or climber, it's in winter, put your hat on and your sun's on and get a nice cup of coffee and just go out and create a bit of space. Of course, if you've got the ability, go for a walk. If the kids are old enough to look after themselves or if they're out go for a walk. You need to do something that's a bit uncommon to create a bit more of an open space. Yes.
Speaker 2 00:25:51 I love that The uncommon does create an open space and getting outside of the spaces that 'cause our brains feed off a space, right? It's one of the ways we, we, we process information. When we step into a space, we say this space means A, B, or C. If
Speaker 1 00:26:07 You don't have a habit of having constructive conversations, you might slip into some bad habits. You've got, and Kim and I definitely used to do this, which are more likely to happen, you're more likely to slip into bad habits in those common places that you have discussions with your partner where the
Speaker 2 00:26:25 Habits have shown up already.
Speaker 1 00:26:26 Where the habits have shown up already.
Speaker 2 00:26:27 Exactly. Yeah. Okay. Alright. So let's think about the example we had. So we had the example of a partner coming to another partner and saying they wanted to join Run club weekly. Which which might be, I don't know, say Saturday mornings they wanna go to run club. The partner says, okay, that's great. I'm gonna take this opportunity 'cause this is a positive interaction. Ultimately this is a positive thing to start having conversations. And I'm gonna say to them, let's talk about this and how the relationship can support you to do what you wanna do and what the relationship will need I other supports for yourself to, to make that possible, right? Because it's not just a give take, it's a give give, right? It's really important. So then you set the time and the space for where you can have that conversation. So you know what, the kids are watching cartoons, six 30 and Sunday let's get a coffee and like Roger said, Chuck a beanie on 'cause it's cold. And go and sit out the back in our beautiful area we usually sit at in summer and just get some, get some fresh air and have that conversation. Let's have that conversation Sunday morning. Perfect.
Speaker 1 00:27:32 And I think what you are doing there is you are creating a time and creating a space that's uncommon so you can start to build habits about having these different conversations.
Speaker 2 00:27:44 Yes. So the the other thing about this is, I just wanna flag this. 'cause if people are thinking, oh, this sounds a little bit manipulative, it's not manipulative to want to have a better relationship. It's not manipulative to support your partner to get to the table. You can be fully transparent through this. When you start with your partner and wanna say, you know, can we make a time to discuss this? You can actually say to them, I, you know, it's something I would like to do more in the relationship is have discussions you can flag with them what your, what your intentions are that you do wanna build this. But you just have to always remember, we wanna start small with things. We don't wanna overload people. If you are in a a position where you can manage the idea of more conversations better than your partner, then remember that, hold that in mind. Okay, maybe I have to lead a little bit in this space, not put too much pressure on my partner and support them to get to where I am
Speaker 1 00:28:40 A hundred percent. So we've started small and we've started positive to go and have this conversation. We then created a space that's a bit uncommon so we don't fall into our, our nasty habits or our little habits where we might start to nip and bite. So the next is that we have to review at the end of this conversation how the conversation went and then reschedule. 'cause we wanna make it a ritual.
Speaker 2 00:29:03 Yeah, it's, this is such a great one because it's practicing, talking within a conversation <laugh>. I know. I love it. Meta. So if we think about the conversation was obviously the practicing of talking, you're starting to practice talking then asking your partner how they found having the conversation. So talking about talking, what was that like for them? And this is actually a really important part of developing the skill of talking because you're bringing awareness to the fact that you guys are talking more. When you start to label that you become more intentional about it. You know what, we actually are trying to talk more, and you can be really transparent here again, you know, would this be helpful do you think for the relationship to do this again, to get to a place where we could sit down, bring to the table things that are happening, maybe changes we wanna make ideas we have and work to as a team to see how the relationship can support that to happen. And you'll probably notice that I'm saying how the relationship can support that, because it's not how I can do this for you or you can do this for me. We need to think about the relationship as an entity that needs nurturing, that has its own life, it's own goals, its own dreams. And that way it's much easier to support your partner in things because you remove that, that tendency for adversarial behavior and become both of you fans of the relationship, both of you supporters and drivers of the relationship.
Speaker 1 00:30:31 That that's a hundred percent right. And that's why we're having these conversations. And of course, you know, after you've asked your partner how they found the conversation and, and had a conversation about your conversation, it's important that, you know, as Kim always say that you celebrate your little wins and your successes and name what you've actually achieved. Say like, we just had a really tough convo and we actually got through it, we got through it and we've, we've come to a decision and yeah, it might not have gone the way we originally thought or this, but how good is this and how good are we? And give yourselves a pat on the back, pour a bit of Irish coffee, what whatever floats your boat, you have that positive framework work because that'll make it more likely that they're either going to initiate a conversation or at least come back to the table again.
Speaker 2 00:31:15 Yeah, I love that. And again, you're practicing talking while you're doing that. You're practicing being transparent with your partner, you know, how that felt for you and the fact that you have achieved something and that you're on the same team, you know, celebrating those little wins is really important in terms of building momentum in a relationship as well. So,
Speaker 1 00:31:33 All right, Kim, what was your golden nugget for the potty today?
Speaker 2 00:31:38 For me, the, the really important part of all of this is the difference between, uh, the pandering that I think, you know, some people might have thought when you say you have to take things slowly with your partner. The reframe of that to understanding that it's not about patterning, it's about supporting as a really important skill because you and I at various times in our relationship have led and, and supported the other to come along on the journey.
Speaker 1 00:32:03 My, my golden nugget would be that create the space, creating the space of when and where you're gonna have the conversations just as important as the actual topic of the conversation. And if you can carve that out as a ritual, you're gonna have a recipe for success of ongoing communication and talking. You are amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
Speaker 2 00:32:30 Feel out you're on a roll. If you want more living, the team life, relationship, insights and conversations, head over to kim and roj.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
Speaker 1 00:32:40 And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
Speaker 2 00:32:48 Until next time, keep on living the team life.
