Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: You.
[00:00:02] Speaker B: On the sporting field. Wedding teams all have one thing in common. They excel at doing the one percenters. These are the minor efforts and moments during a game that elevate them above their competitors and foster a strong culture. Similarly, in our relationships at home, countless small gestures and moments of connection can significantly demonstrate our care for our partners. Today, we'll share five simple one percenters that you can implement at home with your partner to cultivate a winning culture in your relationship.
[00:00:35] Speaker A: Hey, we're Kim and Roger and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
[00:00:42] Speaker B: We're a West Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should, we think about the future as a field of possibilities and we let joy be our compass.
[00:00:51] Speaker A: We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
[00:01:00] Speaker B: From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house flipping business, we've achieved some big dreams and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
[00:01:08] Speaker A: Hear conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts, and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
[00:01:18] Speaker B: These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfortable, whatever tickles you pickle, and enjoy living the team lifestyle. So we're in March already and the year feels like it's getting away from us a bit. You know, the New year's resolutions that some of us have made have been broken because we're too busy. Our focus on other things. So. So how do we find time for our relationship? How do we level up our relationship? Well, I wanted to bring to the table something that I've known from my football days and watching football and it's called relationship one percenters.
[00:02:01] Speaker A: I thought this was super cool when you brought this to us. I've heard of one percenters before because I think there's lots of sports that use them. But this particular one was really, as you explained to me about getting clear on the fact that it's the little things you do that might not get the glory right. And this is the example that you gave to me. You said in sports or in AFL, there are things on the field that get noticed. They go into the statistics and they get the glory and there are things in the game that people notice, but they don't get the glory, and they are more the things that impact the overall feeling of the game. This is what made sense to me. So, for example, you sort of explained it as if the coach says, it's the one percenters, it's putting pressure on all the time. Right? Every player never relents from pressure. So at all points, whatever it is, whether it's the. I don't know what you called it. When you bump each other and you stay on the person and you stay relentless on them.
[00:03:02] Speaker B: Slow down, Dennis. Comedy.
[00:03:06] Speaker A: This is as good as it gets, guys.
As I understood, the way you explain it was it can shift the culture of the game, really, because that other team experiences, then this relentless pushback, this relentless pressure on them. And so the culture of the game shifts. They start to question themselves. They start to change the way they're trying to play. Again, none of these 1% actions or this pressure that's being applied by each individual player relentlessly is actually going to show up on the statistics. But when you combine all of the players relentlessly in every moment, thinking, unrelenting, unrelenting, you change the nature of the game. And that made a lot of sense to me in terms of relationships, because it's about the little things we do over and over again that shifts the culture of. From, okay, we're side by side in this to, they've got my back no matter what. And I know that. I know I'm safe here. And not just safe, I am able to go out and take on the world because I know what my relationship is and what I have here.
[00:04:17] Speaker B: Yeah. Not to get too technical, but it can be the spoil or the shepherd off the ball. All these things that don't end up on the stat sheets, like a goal or a possession. Right. But your coach and your teammates know and the other team definitely knows because they're sitting there going, jeez, I don't even have space.
What I loved about the 1% is I feel we can do this in our relationship as well. What I love also is I see it as two dimensions. One, this can get your relationship from good to great. You can be the premiership winning team, the premiership winning relationship, by doing these little one percenters. But also what I thought was these are things that are small that might, as a once off, go unnoticed because they don't seem like this big grand gesture. But if done again and again and again, you start to build a culture and they start to build up. So when things seem maybe a bit too hard between you and your partner and maybe you're going through a bad patch. These little one percenters can also break a negative cycle. So while in football terms they're often used for the difference between maybe a middle rung team on the ladder and a top four team on the ladder, often you do find it with coaches and teams right down the bottom. Sometimes they also go, we actually need to work on these little one percenters because they build that culture of going a bit above and beyond for your teammate.
[00:05:48] Speaker A: Yeah. And the other part of that, I think, is understanding that it's a lot easier to think about making small changes. It's really hard if you say, oh, what do I need to do to become the best team? And you think, oh, I've got to kick way more goals or I've got to do whatever the big change is, that seems really insurmountable at the beginning. But if you say, I got to do 1% difference, I've got to make 1% difference, I got to do little things to make a difference over time. Not no time pressure either. I'm going to build this up, I'm going to build this shift, this cultural change over time with consistency and commitment. That's a lot more in my mind, a lot more achievable and a lot less intimidating when you're getting going on something.
[00:06:34] Speaker B: Yeah, that's right. So today we're going to talk about five things, five relationship one percenters that you can start today in your relationship. And not only that is we're going to give you a bit of a level up version as well. So if you feel like maybe this is just a start for you, that's great. If you feel you want to get from good to great, that's great. If you want to ruin the relationship premiership, we're giving you a level up version as well. So number one of our relationship one percenters is going to bed at the same time. Yep. This might seem silly or it might seem simple, but the research actually shows that couples that synchronize their sleep patterns report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. So the data is in, the science is in. And part of the reason is because you actually start to foster a bit of companionship and synchronization between you. And what that means is, yes, your bodies and your body clocks and your circadian rhythms actually get in sync. Also, this ritual, this habit can lead to more intimacy and better communication in your relationship because you get the chance to lay down with your partner when the kids have gone to bed when there's no distractions like phones or TV, and it's quiet and you can actually look each other in the eye.
[00:07:50] Speaker A: It's a real connection point, isn't it, at the end of the day, when you've taken all those stresses that happen nonstop throughout the day or spring up during the day, especially as parents, when you're just trying to get through, making sure that the kids get down and that they're comfortable and they've actually gone to sleep, and you get to go into bed and just be with your partner without all of that on top of you because you've hit the sheets. It's quiet time. You're ready to relax. Your next job is sleep, and it is a really lovely space to be able to connect with that person. And in fact, that's our level up option, as Roger said, for those couples that are already maybe going to bed at the same time, if they want to level up on this one, our 1% level up would be a suggestion of having two or three questions you ask each other in bed and use that nice time you've got together where you haven't got all those other pressures around you, and they could be the same questions every night. What did you enjoy out of today? What was the best part of your day? What did you find hard today? What are you grateful for? Simple things like that. It could just be one of those questions. What did you enjoy out of today? What was the peak of your day?
[00:09:02] Speaker B: What was the peak of your day? One of our favorites. Yeah. And look, we get it. Sometimes it's not always possible. You've got to stay up late for work, or one of you is going out with friends, or the other one has to put the kids down. So Kim and I, we actually take turns every night putting our little one down, and sometimes we have to sit and cuddle her to sleep. But the other one, nine times out of ten, will actually wait in bed for the other one to come in so they can. So Kim wanted to talk about volcanoes last night. This is a true story. Wanted to talk about volcanoes.
[00:09:36] Speaker A: I need to process. I'd watched a documentary. It's my ADHD break.
[00:09:40] Speaker B: Exactly. So we talked about volcanoes for a bit. But that shows, like, when you can get the opportunity, do it.
[00:09:47] Speaker A: All right. Number two of our 1% of suggestions, the five minute check in call at lunch each day. Now, I know there'll be some naysayers out there saying you don't need to be in contact all the time with your partner, but it's actually really lovely just to have a little check in with your partner, even in the middle of a busy day. And a study by the Journal of Communication found that couples in long distance relationships who are likely to rely more on communication actually feel closer to each other because they're engaging in that frequent, affectionate contact with each other, which was a really interesting outcome. Now, while the context is obviously different in this situation from being away from each other, the principle is the same thing. Regular communication. Regular, clear, deliberate communication between you fosters a sense of closeness in the relationship.
And the check in allows you. It allows each of you to get up to speed on how your partner is feeling. You're actually in real time knowing where your partner is at. This one isn't a difficult one. In today's technology, we're not having to go through, I don't know what you.
[00:10:57] Speaker B: Call them, those dial phone.
[00:11:00] Speaker A: We're not having to spin the numbers ten times around.
[00:11:02] Speaker B: We're not having to call the operator to get through to our. Well, we're not sending carrier pigeons.
We've all got phones. We get it. We know.
[00:11:11] Speaker A: And you can make it really short. You could make it a quick two minute check in, but it just lets you guys know that you're on the same team, that you care about how their day is progressing, they're going to care about how your day is progressing. And actually, I think a really lovely way to think about it is actually you're facing the day together. You're sharing in where you're at and you're facing that day together.
[00:11:30] Speaker B: I think it also alleviates when one person comes home and either both of you have been at work or one person's been at home looking after the kids or whatever it is working. Exactly.
Note to self, there isn't that often occurrence that, how was your day? What's going on? Because you've actually touched base during the day. That isn't that escalation point, actually, you sort of not deescalate, but everything softened. It sort of spread out throughout the day. And actually, funny enough, Kim and I started doing this regularly when we moved to Melbourne. Kim gave up her job when we moved to Melbourne for me to pursue a big job in Melbourne. So she was at home all day, and then she fell pregnant fairly swiftly afterwards. And what I started to do was actually call her and check in on her probably two or three times a day. And I just went off to a little meeting room, or when I went down to get a coffee or I ate lunch at my desk. But I made the effort, and it just made sure when I got home, because I'd get home at 637, that we weren't sort of just collapsing in a heap on top of each other. Well, actually, that's a great thing as well, collapsing in a heap next to each other and letting emotions get carried away because we'd been touching base with each other all day.
[00:12:53] Speaker A: That's a lovely memory. I do remember that now. Having you touch base out was nice for me as well, because you were checking in as well on me and the baby throughout the day, and I felt cared for and checked in on.
[00:13:05] Speaker B: It made us feel like more of a team as well. I was starting a new job. It was really stressful, and it would have been easy for you to be at home doing all the amazing stuff you did at home and me be at work. And then I sort of come home and I don't want to talk about work or. Well, it's been a tough day in the house, and all of a sudden it's dinner time and you're in bed and you're just not really connecting or communicating. But I felt like I'd talked to you about work problems, and you were a great sounding board, and I felt it actually helped me in my career as well.
[00:13:37] Speaker A: All right, and if you want to level that up, the option that we have here for couples, maybe, who are already doing the five minute check in, once, twice, three times, whatever that it looks like for them, we would suggest having lunch together each week if possible. If there's some way that you can come together during the week and there are ways you can come together again. Another thing we used to do back at that time, I would come into the city and we would organize a lunch together. So that would be our suggestion for leveling up.
[00:14:06] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that one, actually. Okay. The next two are really simple, but I feel that actually the pure definition of one percenters. So number three of our relationship, one percenters is saying please and saying thank yous, and especially for the mundane things.
What was the first lesson you learned when you were a kid from your mum or your grand? It was say please and say thank you. You know, acknowledging the small, everyday actions your partner takes contributes to a culture of appreciation. We talked about this at the top of the episode with the sports teams. The one percenters result in a strong culture because you see the tiny little efforts that might not always be on the stat sheet. They show respect, and this is foundational in a thriving relationship. It's also something that can be done several times a day. And like all of these, it actually becomes a habit. You just do it. Funnily enough, this is something Kim and I have done since day dot. And I think even during the hardest times of our relationship, during that first ten years, and it was hard a lot of times, at a lot of times, saying please and thank you to each other just sort of gave that little glimmer of sunshine of like, hey, I see you and I respect you.
[00:15:21] Speaker A: I think this is such an underestimated one because manners have layers in them. So the first is, obviously, we learn as children to be respectful by using manners. So it's respectful to say please and thank you when you get given something, when you're asking for something, whatever it is, that's that first layer, and it is respectful to do it. It does feel better when someone uses manners. Then below that is, I'm recognizing what this person is actually doing for me. So having that real awareness of what my partner in the relationship context is doing for me and that partner, then feeling this person sees my efforts, this person sees what I'm doing, sees who I am, sees the effort I'm making, and that makes me feel really good at a deeper level. So firstly, you're building that culture of respect for that person's effort and energy and time and all of those things. And then secondly, you're really deepening that validation and the fact that the recognition in that other person, that seeing of that other person, which is such a beautiful level to take it to.
[00:16:26] Speaker B: Yeah. And if you want to level it up, write them a card or a note saying thank you.
[00:16:32] Speaker A: Oh, I love that one. And I think when you talked to me about the show, you said, write just a random one. And I think there's nothing sweeter than having a little note that says, thanks for doing this today. I really appreciated it.
[00:16:46] Speaker B: Feeling seen and feeling. Sometimes we can feel like we take each other for granted. But if you say thank you, if you say please and a little note somewhere, it's almost like a surprise and delight. That's what we used to call it in marketing and customer service.
Yeah, the surprise and delight and the basics doesn't.
If you sell a customer a product, if it works, that's not surprising. Delighting, that's just what the product should do. But if it does something special or someone helps you on the phone, you ring up because you can't install your modem or something, and you do it in five minutes for them, you help them out. You don't make them feel like an idiot. That's a surprise and delight, right?
[00:17:26] Speaker A: That's a great one. And I actually remember the company you worked for surprising and delighting me on a phone call because he helped me.
[00:17:32] Speaker B: Fix my computer, which was 100% we're not his job. So it's just that little above and beyond thing that is outside the norm, which surprises and delights.
[00:17:41] Speaker A: Very apt. All right, number four. So another one percenter we have as a suggestion is complimenting your partner on something they do well. I think this is just such a cool one. It's letting them know that they're really capable, and you really see that, that you see all their strengths, all the goodness that they bring to the relationship, to the household, and that's such a nice thing to receive as a partner. For example, if they keep their cool with the kids, that's a really great one to say, you did a good job there. It's so nice to have someone recognize the effort that you've put in, because it does take a lot of effort, and it can be really tiring. And if you want a quick energy hit, just tell someone that the effort was worthwhile. You saw it, that it was a great effort. It shows them that you see them, that you notice them, and it's a bit above and beyond the please and thank you level. So it's really affirmation to that person that they are doing things right and well and that their efforts are worthwhile. And that's just a lovely positive reinforcement as a human to receive. It can really contribute to your partner's sense of self esteem as well, which obviously feeds back into the relationship. When we feel good about ourselves, we want to do things better.
The positive cycle in psychology is such a cool thing. When we do something well, and then we have it recognized, and so we feel good about ourselves and build our self esteem. We want more of that. We want to do more behaviors that are going to lead to that feeling of self esteem because it feels great. So we just continue on that path. And so the cycle begins and continues, and we become more and more of the person that we want to be.
[00:19:29] Speaker B: Yeah, it's that positive feedback loop. It's really great. And look, all the girls, all the women, all the wives out there, you're doing heaps of amazing stuff. So, guys, give them a compliment to let them know. For the ladies. Yes.
Some of the stuff that men do should just be expected of them. And maybe we don't do enough. But I tell you what, we don't mind a pat on the back either. In fact, we love a pat on the back or the bum. Give us a smack on the bum. We do it to you, love.
[00:20:02] Speaker A: In fact, they will look and hunt for that compliment.
[00:20:06] Speaker B: A guy would rather be told good job than I love you. I guarantee. If you tell a guy, is that true?
[00:20:13] Speaker A: That's because that's really interesting.
[00:20:14] Speaker B: It is. You tell a guy, you did an amazing job, thank you so much, or you did a great job, that looks great. He would ten times prefer that than, oh, I love you so much, sweetie.
[00:20:25] Speaker A: I mean, you come and get me every time you mow the lawn and.
[00:20:29] Speaker B: I shouldn't have to.
And yet.
[00:20:34] Speaker A: Classic.
I gave you a little nod this morning when you went hunting for our little friend, our possum from.
[00:20:41] Speaker B: We might have a possum in the.
[00:20:42] Speaker A: Roof we had someone scratching around up in.
[00:20:44] Speaker B: I was up in the roof at 08:00 a.m.
[00:20:46] Speaker A: This morning and you got a compliment. That was a great effort.
[00:20:50] Speaker B: I wasn't getting down and dirty. And again, so same level up as the last one. It's write a random card or note saying like, great work, that was amazing and that you appreciate it and you see what they do and thanks for doing it. Well, or thanks for doing it.
[00:21:08] Speaker A: Write it on a foggy mirror when they're in the shower. You're amazing. Great job with that. Great job calming the kids tonight. Great job getting them to bed. Whatever it is, it's awesome.
All right, what have we got for our last one, Roger?
[00:21:21] Speaker B: All right, so this one was, I'm doing this one for you, sweetie. It took me 20 years.
The last relationship. One percenter is offering your partner a drink when you go and get one for yourself. It is so simple.
[00:21:37] Speaker A: Is it, Roger?
[00:21:39] Speaker B: So Kim, I said used to in here, but Kim gets frustrated. Kim used to get frustrated when I would go get myself a glass of water or a beer or a cup of tea and not get one for her.
Especially. We work next to each other so much.
[00:21:55] Speaker A: A glass of water. I'm not on you throughout the day for a glass of water.
I think it was more the alcoholic beverage. That was a little bit of an end of the day cheers to me. And you literally just did a cheers to you.
[00:22:08] Speaker B: Yeah, well, I was giving myself a pat on the back that I wasn't getting. I was just like, crack. Well done, mate.
I see you.
No, but in all seriousness, in the five love languages from Dr. Gary Chapman, he actually calls this acts of service. But whether you believe in Dr. Chapman's five love languages or not really. It's just thinking of someone other than yourself and doing something nice. And even if it's not your partner's primary love language, it just shows that you're nurturing and you're attentive to them. And again, that you see, know, when I get a coffee on the way home from dropping our daughter at school or Kim does, we call each other and go, do you want a coffee? It's something that's really important. And now when I go get a beer from the fridge, I go, sweetie, do you want an ICE cold beer?
[00:23:03] Speaker A: I do love an ICE cold beer.
[00:23:05] Speaker B: And of course, you can level it up. And this is being an expert in your partner. So I might not always go and get Kim a cold beer from the fridge. I might actually just go sweaty. I'm about to make you a dirty martini, even though I'm not going to have it myself. Kim's not a big drinker, but every now and then she likes a nice classic cocktail, and a dirty martini is one of her favorites. Or if I'm making a tea, I just might make the tea knowing that she's probably going to want one.
It's not often that Kim won't want a cup of tea. The other thing is, if Kim's working hard at her desk and I see her water bottle's empty, I'll just go grab it and fill it up with water. This is before, of course, she bought her massive Stanley cup. And I can't tell what's going.
Know this. I believe this one's really important as well.
[00:23:51] Speaker A: Yeah, this is a lovely one. And I think we do this quite well together. Definitely. Just considering your partner and just seeing the joy in their face.
It could be, like you say, on the level up, that you just get the drink and give it to them. If it's for you, and I crack you a tinny and walk in and you're maybe just taking a moment to watch the news or whatever, and I hand it to you, and you don't drink a lot either. But that's a nice surprise. It's a nice little moment of I've thought about you. I know you enjoy this. I know this moment will feel good for you, and I want you to have that as a partner. I want you to feel good. I want you to feel loved. And also, I think the word for this one is nurturing. It shows nurturing in the relationship. That's really what acts of service are. I'm nurturing you. I'm taking care of you. And we all love to feel like someone is taking care of us.
[00:24:42] Speaker B: Awesome. Kim, what's your gold nugget for?
[00:24:45] Speaker A: Oh, such good ones. I really loved them all.
I think for me, writing the note, the level up that we said that you could do for either your manners or for the compliments, I love that. For me, I'm a very visual person. I like things written or drawn. So you could draw me a note as well. That would be fun. But anything that I take a moment to absorb visually just really tickles my pickle. So that was a great hint, I think, for people. What about you, Roger?
[00:25:17] Speaker B: For me, these one percenters will help you get to the next level in your relationship. They'll build a great culture, but if you're stuck in a negative cycle in your relationship, they can also help be a bit of a circuit breaker. If you start doing these, they might actually just get you back on the right track.
You're amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
[00:25:42] Speaker A: Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living the team life relationship insights and conversations, head over to kimandroge.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
[00:25:53] Speaker B: And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
[00:26:01] Speaker A: Until next time, keep on living the team life.
