Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:02 We're all familiar with that sinking feeling that occurs when we think about all the things we have to get done. We feel anxious sometimes overwhelmed with the prospect of not having enough time. But is that really the case? And how does this idea of not having enough time show up and impact our relationship? Well, today we're unpacking exactly that and offering some key strategies for how to begin to shift your mindset around time and start to live in a relationship that feels time rich. Hey, we're Kim and Roger, and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life together.
Speaker 2 00:00:39 We're a west Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should we think about the future as a field of possibilities and will let joy be our compass.
Speaker 1 00:00:47 We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage, and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it together.
Speaker 2 00:00:56 From living in snowy Japan to starting our own housekeeping business, we've achieved some big dreams, and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
Speaker 1 00:01:04 Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts and tales from our own lives as we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team. These
Speaker 2 00:01:14 Are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfort from whatever tickles you pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
Speaker 2 00:01:31 One of the most common pieces of feedback we get is this is all great, Kim and rj. Uh, we love all your strategies. We love your deep dives into the various issues that our, we face in our relationships. But where am I gonna find the time to do all these things? I'm, I'm barely keeping it together at the moment. I'm barely finding enough time for myself, let alone my partner. So Kim and I are gonna dive straight into that today, and we're gonna provide some strategies that will hopefully help support you finding more time in your relationship and prioritizing your relationship.
Speaker 1 00:02:08 Yeah, a hundred percent. Rj, we do hear that, uh, from, from people that I think time is, is such a massive issue for a lot of people, and and we see it, we see it coming up in conversation all the time. So let's just jump in on that. Why, why do we feel like we don't have enough time in our relationship? Why do we have this sense of constantly being short on time? And I think, uh, the first, the first thing that popped up when we started researching this and looking into this and, and reflecting ourselves was not having enough time has actually become a cultural symbol of somehow being a productive person and a socially successful person. So there's an idea out there that exists, a cultural concept and norm that by saying, you are time poor, you are equally saying, I have a fulfilling and successful life.
Speaker 2 00:03:12 It's almost like someone sees their lack of time or the way that they're busy, that it's a virtue. We've all done this probably, oh, I've got back to back meetings and you know, like it's something to be proud of even though meetings are some of the most inefficient ways to spend time. There is,
Speaker 1 00:03:30 I think, you know, the, yeah. The other thing that people say a lot of, uh, is I'm busy and I think they connect that to being time poor. And the fact again that that somehow symbolizes productivity and successfulness that, you know, I mean, I remember having this mindset, especially in my twenties, there was some sort of glory when someone would ask you, what are you doing on the weekend? There was some sort of glory in being able to pack your weekend out when you answered that question. Like Friday night, I had dinner with friends Saturday morning, have brunch with a girlfriend, then go to Pilates, you know, Saturday night I've got a big birthday party Sunday morning I've got brunch again. Like you
Speaker 2 00:04:10 Really, it's like you need to pack more in to build up your identity. Yeah. And it, it doesn't make sense, especially when we look back now at our twenties and we're like, oh, we used to pack so much in now that we're parents and we run our own business. We're like, what did we do with all our free time
Speaker 1 00:04:27 <laugh>? Definitely. Uh, yeah. So I think there's definitely a component around that that's this, this cultural, uh, normal idea that's been set up that that being time poor somehow indicates successfulness. But as we know, if you are time poor and you are constantly moving, you're obviously missing out on having perspective and having the opportunity to reflect on whether what you're moving toward is actually what you want to be moving toward.
Speaker 2 00:04:56 Whe when you're busy, you, it's like you are almost saying, I don't have time to actually sit back, be present and be mindful. Yes. And and a lot of people do that. They, they're busy because it almost is more painful. Yeah. To sit back and appreciate time, be mindful, take stock of where you are than it is to just run, run, run as fast as you can.
Speaker 1 00:05:21 Yeah. And I think we can be really clear here that this is something society has created and it's really, it's something that you have to work really hard to be counter what society has created in this space because it is really dark and it is quite negative the way that we put this, this, this attribute of success somehow against being time poor. So it, you're not alone in that this is very much a societal expectation or a societal norm that, that we see. And um, obviously when we, when we are time poor and we get into a habit of using all our time and, and trying to fit as much in, we do train our brains to seek a particular chemical feedback from that busyness that we, that we are looking for. So there's a couple of things that come up when you, when you are, uh, chasing down the tasks and filling up all your time and finding yourself time poor, one of the things is people get a dopamine hit from it. Dopamine, we get that when we, when we have a sense of achievement and people can really enjoy that. They can get a little bit addicted to that, to that sense of achievement, wanting to hit things, get things done. And then the other one that shows up as well, there are others, but one of the big ones is norepinephrine, which is the stress response that the body gives. And people can actually get really addicted to the feeling of focus and alertness, you know, that, oh, I've gotta be chasing, I've gotta be doing. Yeah,
Speaker 2 00:06:44 You feel juiced, you feel jacked. <laugh>, I, I used to, um, I used to fly same day return from Melbourne to Sydney once a week. And I, I'd get up at four, jump on the plane, grab a coffee, grab a crus on, hit Sydney, go to meetings, you know, stand up, you know, looking like an absolute wanker, come home, kiss my wife on the cheek. And you know, I I I felt pretty pumped every time I was doing it. It was terrible for my health. It wasn't great for us. Um, was
Speaker 1 00:07:13 There something in, like, did you attach that to your identity?
Speaker 2 00:07:17 Uh, a little bit because I think previously in my career when I, especially when I was a grunt, I used to look at the, uh, people who did that, you know, or in the movies. And it just seemed something really cool. And after doing it for 12 months, it definitely didn't seem cool anymore <laugh>. And it was definitely perhaps a cat a catalyst for us deciding that, you know, this nine to five, which was never nine to five, as I said, I was up at four o'clock on the, those Wednesdays, uh, wasn't quite the life for us.
Speaker 1 00:07:45 No. Given that I was home with a newborn. So,
Speaker 2 00:07:48 And moving on <laugh>, <laugh>,
Speaker 1 00:07:52 Uh, okay, so something else that, um, we see that that sort of, uh, perpetuates this sense of never having enough time is that we have a lot of options these days and it feels like when we have all these options that we just wanna do so much and we can often be caught by this sense of scarcity so that we, in our mindset, and really what Roger and I talk about here is all about mindset. And that's what we are gonna be talking about today. We, if you've listened in thinking we're gonna give you a hack for more time to actually create time, you are going to be disappointed.
Speaker 2 00:08:27 <laugh>. Yeah. The, the productivity industry and the time productivity industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. If that's what you're after, go grab a book. But we're saying that's not gonna solve the underlying problem.
Speaker 1 00:08:37 Exactly. We are looking at the mindset and really shifting mindset is where we get to the cause. We, we don't wanna talk about how to treat symptoms of things. We wanna talk about how to, how to get to the cause and change our whole life, change our approach to life. So anyway, getting back to that, that sense of scarcity, the more options we have, the more we have this sense of missing out and this sense of scarcity, I don't have enough time to do everything I want to do. I'm always time poor. And that just continues to build and build, right?
Speaker 2 00:09:03 Yeah. What inevitably happens is we either try fit too much into every day and we don't achieve it. So we, we feel like crud or we achieve everything and we realize that it's not as sustainable and we suffer from burnout or overwhelm and we feel really bad after that as well. And it's really bad for our health either way. We feel like we're not good enough. Like we, we haven't achieved what we wanted to. And when you do that, you feel like a failure.
Speaker 1 00:09:31 Uh, so another one of the contributing factors we identified in this sense of not having enough time, this, this idea that we don't have enough time, is that the, what you just mentioned, Roger, that productivity industry, that is a monster industry. You think of how many different products, physical products, organizers, things like that you can buy, not to mention the amount of online programs you can buy these days, especially the way online training has gone. So people constantly trying to teach you to be more efficient with your time. What's your morning routine? You know, all these gu gurus out there, what's your morning routine? If you're not getting up at 4:00 AM to start your day, you are failing before you
Speaker 2 00:10:10 Begin. And they're all about packing more into less, right?
Speaker 1 00:10:13 Yes. They're all about packing more in. So we feel like there's been some idea that there's some sense of mastery over time that you can somehow master time and, and get better at time. And the reality is time doesn't change <laugh>, it just does not change.
Speaker 2 00:10:33 No, and you know, it's funny that you say the word mastery because I think often we feel like we're a master by doing lots of different things as opposed to a master at one thing, which is different to the old saying of are you a jackal of all trades and master of nothing? So,
Speaker 1 00:10:50 Oh, that's so good. I love that. And I think that's a great point to bring up. We talk about how pick your one thing, stay focused, give it your deadly focus, and you'll be far more successful on that one thing, right?
Speaker 2 00:11:02 Yeah. So instead of being a jackal of all trades and master of nothing Yeah. You're a master of something. Yeah. You know, you, you're focused on something, you're feeling getting your fulfillment from it.
Speaker 1 00:11:12 Absolutely. Yeah. And the other thing, the other factor that we spoke about and sort of identified as contributing to this sense of being constantly time poor or in time deficit, is that we are constantly being told that, uh, we work more these days and that we have less time as a result. And research has actually shown that's not true. Now, I think the research was, you know, between the sixties and into the 2000. So comparing those two eras, the work week's actually gotten shorter. What I think people are referring to is this connectivity that we experience, this sense of I'm constantly connected, therefore I'm always working. And that, that comes down to, I guess what was something we were just saying about the, the mastery thing. If you are in all different zones at all times, you are not gonna be mastering anything. So if you come home and you are on your phone and you say, well, I'm always working because I'm home on my phone, you're definitely not gonna be mastering that and you're not gonna be mastering being at home either.
Speaker 1 00:12:17 All right. So with those sort of factors in mind, just considering the concept of time, time is a finite thing. It's, this is something that I just want people to think about for a minute. We don't, any of us have more or less time than one another. This is the great equalizer in life. The only thing we are all given the exact same amount of when we are born till the till, the moment we, we pass relative to every other human from the moment they are in this world, we run on the same parallel. If that makes sense. The time is the same no matter what. Everything else can be unequal but not time.
Speaker 2 00:13:01 I, I think that's a great point because the conclusion you draw from that is that we are human, we are fallible, and we have limitations as humans. And mm, that limitation is time. A and actually, you and I have read a great book in the last, uh, 12 months called 4,000 Weeks by Oliver Berkman. And that 4,000 weeks is actually the number of weeks you are given, I guess at birth as the average lifespan of a person.
Speaker 1 00:13:30 Yes. It's a pretty stark concept to think about your life in weeks. I mean, 4,000, it's not very much.
Speaker 2 00:13:39 No. And I guess the point of the book is actually a great book. So, uh, grab it on audible or go to your local computer <laugh> and order it online. Uh, is that actually he talks about quantity over quality mindset? Mm. So I think we were just talking about being busy, all the options we have, not being a master, instead of like trying one thing and failing at it. We try a hundred things and fail a hundred times. He really talks about we're, we're stuck in this quantity mindset. But really when it comes to time and when it comes to finite resources and that great equalizer is we should be taking in a quality mindset. What am I spending my time on and what is it giving back to me?
Speaker 1 00:14:21 It's definitely about understanding that time is finite and you can't make more of it and you can't have less of it. You just have it. It just is. And so when you, when you understand that time just is, you realize that's an immovable concept. All you can move is your mindset around time.
Speaker 2 00:14:43 Yeah. So you are saying that really it's about acceptance that yes, we, we have limitations as humans and one of the biggest ones, if not the biggest one is that we only have a certain amount of time. So trying to master time, trying to bend time, trying to fit more into less. Yes, you are always gonna end up with diminishing returns. You're never going to fill that fulfillment, especially not in the long term. So except that you won't have enough time and focus on making the right decisions to spend time on the right things.
Speaker 1 00:15:16 A hundred percent. Thank you for articulating that. So much better than me there. I think all those factors we talked about that, that give people a sense that their time poor actually relate to this incessant need to try and manipulate time to try and get back more time. That's what they say. The advertising get back more time. But what I just wanna be really clear on the point we're making here is time is finite. There is no getting it back. There is no such thing. There's just a mindset and an approach to time. So, and that's what we're working on.
Speaker 2 00:15:44 So use what you've got and approach it in that way. Yes, yes. And of course, you know, this is a relationship podcast, so we're gonna bring it back to the relationship because how it shows up in a relationship can often be, uh, quite detrimental for not only the relationship but for the individuals and how they feel about themselves a and their health and can create problems longer term.
Speaker 1 00:16:10 Absolutely. When we have a sense of not having enough time, it can really propel us into a state of overwhelm and emotional shutdown. And we know that when we are in that emotional shutdown, we are not going to be our best partner. We are not going to be the best part of that relationship because we are just surviving ourselves. It's a very difficult space to be in. And, and when we go into that state of emotional shutdown or we are lacking availability to the pa for the partner, that can cause a significant increase in stress and tension and disconnection in the relationship.
Speaker 2 00:16:43 Yeah. And you can see how, if you're still using that adversarial approach mm-hmm. That you are like, I'm, I'm just struggling to keep things going and I can't have my partner take more time from me because I, I'll break down if that happens,
Speaker 1 00:16:57 Right? That's just no team mentality in it because you haven't got to that space, you haven't built that mindset. And so there's that. I mean, we've definitely experienced this, like you said, the adversary for the partner and just the, the, uh, relationship is really what suffers.
Speaker 2 00:17:13 You are sitting there thinking every time Roger does something, that means I Kim don't get to do something else. Which of course doesn't really make sense cuz you've both got timed when the truth is really is that if you're working on different things, then you're just not getting your best bang for buck. And of course what happens over time is you're not talking about the right things, you're not doing right, the right things. You're not taking a combined approach. You are less likely to feel that sense of connection. You're less likely to have that oxytocin running through your body that bonds and connect you because you feel like it's always me versus you.
Speaker 1 00:17:51 And it is about, uh, the approach that you end up taking to the relationship when you are feeling like you've, you, you are competing for the scar scarce resources. And I will say it still shows up for us. I still have the moments where I'm like, why is he doing that right now? We could, we could be doing something else or he should be working on A, B and C. But I take a moment because we are so aligned in our path forward, I take a moment to check myself and say, hang on a second, where does this fit in in what we've agreed? And nine times outta 10 these days, I'll find it has a place. It might not be in the order that I would've wanted it to be, it might not have been done the way that I would've wanted it to be, but that's not the point. We're not focused on the detail of how things get done anymore. We're simply focused on working towards the same outcome. And that is a massive shift when you wanna change your mindset around time.
Speaker 2 00:18:43 I think that's a great segue into, uh, the three strategies we have for finding time. What I will quickly touch on is obviously it's very hard to find space for the work required to keep your relationship on track, let alone to grow and improve it, and to find that purpose together. So hopefully these next three strategies will give you the confidence to find the time and to actually understand that your time combined is the best outcome. But Kim, you take it away. What are the three strategies for finding more time in your relationship?
Speaker 1 00:19:22 The first strategy that we would be suggesting for finding more time in your relationship is about getting aligned. And I know we talk about this a lot because it's so critical, it's so fundamental to living the team life, getting on the same page with your partner, heading in the same direction, getting clear on what you want together, not competing for the resources. When we, when we get on that same page, when we head in the same direction, we remove a significant amount of friction that occurs in a relationship when we have a sense of competing needs or a sense of adversarial nature. As you spoke about Roger,
Speaker 2 00:19:56 You're pulling your resources in a way that is different to how most people see it. And it might seem strange when I say it, but I think some, there's this societal view or there's an unspoken rule that, okay, when you get married, you come together, you pull your resources so you can afford a house and you can have babies and then you go on your merry way pursuing your own goals and your own dreams. And if they align, great. If they don't, well let's see what happens. But the truth is, to get the biggest impact out of life, you should be pulling your resources in terms of pulling them towards the same common goals and the same purpose. And
Speaker 1 00:20:35 Yeah, you don't just mean physical resources, right? You mean like your mental resources
Speaker 2 00:20:39 E everything. Yeah. So, uh, instead of just thinking, hey, well you know, we live under the same roof, we help share the electricity and the heating bills and we've come together so we can have kids and, and you know, propagate and, and make sure that they survive. That's one way to pull your resources. That's cohabiting. People talk about their house being their biggest asset because you can get a, a capital gains benefit off it and capital growth. But no, your partner is your biggest asset. Oh, preach through life
Speaker 1 00:21:08 100%. Uh, this is so core to what we talk about and teach here, which is that if you, if you are not living the team life, you are missing out on ma mental gains. And let's be honest, at the end of the day, what is there in life more than what's going on in your head when you get aligned with your partner, when you get clear together that you are on the same page, that's those mental resources being pulled together, right? And that becomes a really powerful force to move you forward, which is what we're ultimately about here. We're not just about becoming a team, we're about living your dream life. You gotta pull those resources, you gotta remove that sense of being time scarce and being adversarial for these resources, these limited resources we have in life. And work out how you can find that abundance together. And getting on the same page with your partner is a really integral part of that.
Speaker 2 00:22:03 A, a relationship's, a three-legged race. You, you <laugh> you can try and pull in the different directions. You can try run out of sync, you
Speaker 1 00:22:11 Stuck with that
Speaker 2 00:22:12 Person, but you, or you gotta, you gotta fall over, right? But once you find that you're in sync and once you get in sync, you start to run quickly and you get to the finish line and you get your bag of lollies. So,
Speaker 1 00:22:24 Oh, I love that. Cuz there's so many visuals with a three-legged race that can be metaphors for
Speaker 2 00:22:28 Relationships. Most people just stacking it. But I think, you know,
Speaker 1 00:22:31 Or dragging your partner,
Speaker 2 00:22:32 Dragging your partner across writing your
Speaker 1 00:22:34 Partner.
Speaker 2 00:22:35 Um, but you know what we're talking, we, we, we spoke previously about one of the biggest issues, uh, in relationships is that people come at time in an adversarial nature. So, so finding that alignment means that you are seeing time as as combined, like it's our time. So if you've got combined dreams, if you know what matters most to you in life, which are your values and you're both working towards the same goal, you are more likely to achieve it.
Speaker 1 00:23:01 And that has that sense, right, of, of giving you back time. So
Speaker 2 00:23:04 Yeah. And that's the quality over the quantity again. Yeah. That's that effectiveness. Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things, and you need to be doing the right things. Oh yes. You need to be focusing on what matters.
Speaker 1 00:23:18 Yes. So that brings us to the second, uh, strategy that we have for finding more time in your relationship. And this is one that is, we talk about, it's, it's such a huge part of our lives. We talk about this every day when we say yes to something, we acknowledge what we're saying no to. And why that's so important is because this scarcity around time, this scarcity mindset we have is because we constantly feel like we're missing out. But if you flip the script and empower yourself and say, I'm not missing out on that, I made a decision not to do that. The brain releases it, it lets it go. You are no longer missing out. You made a decision
Speaker 2 00:24:03 There. There's a lot of power and decisiveness. And really what you're saying there is we just spoke about as our, our first action point is to find alignment. So when you find alignment, you then go, hey, here are the goals we want to achieve together. But that still leaves you with all these other things that you think, gee, maybe we should be doing that. Maybe we can do that. But understanding that time is finite. That means if you are doing one thing, you are not doing something else. If I go to the footy on a Sunday afternoon and watch the Eagles, that means I'm not at home spending time with my daughter and spending time with Kim or doing chores around the house that I need to do. That doesn't mean I can't go to the footy, it just means I have a decision to make.
Speaker 2 00:24:45 We have a decision to make. Yes. And so what Kim and I do, and we do this often, we did this at the start of the year when we were doing our goals for 2023, is we made a list of all the priorities and goals we had, and then we looked at the goals that were left over and we made a conscious decision and put them in our goals we won't achieve this year. <laugh>. And, and that just empowered us. That was that decision making that empowered us, that got rid of the fomo, got rid of the shame of not doing enough and made us become very, very focused on what we really wanted.
Speaker 1 00:25:18 Yeah, a hundred percent. And that kind of nicely leads into the purposeful action, which is our third strategy for finding more time in your relationship. And there's this sense when we work together on goals and we actually achieve progress, that we, we have more time. So purposeful action is the actual doing. So we've talked about alignment, we've talked about saying yes means you have to say no and the empowerment you get from owning that decision. And then the third thing is really around what happens in our minds when we achieve progress together. It's that the brain saying, oh, that time was well spent. I've managed to do what I set out to do. And so instead of feeling like we are constantly chasing down things, we sit in the abundance mindset,
Speaker 2 00:26:09 Achievement is the most tangible marker of time. We have time passes. And if we don't go about purposefully setting goals and achieving them, time can seem to just get lost. It's a moment in time where we go, yes, we have used that time purposefully to achieve something that means something to us. And achieving, achieving something in your relationship is a far stronger marker of time than individual achievement and gives you far more and is the cornerstone of a strong relationship as well. And we've got a great example of this.
Speaker 1 00:26:47 Oh, a hundred percent. When we lived in, uh, the place we lived in when we were younger for six years, which was an apartment, and we, we talk about this era because it's such an interesting era for us to go back and reflect on. And at that time we did not get clear together on what our combined goals were, what our combined dreams were. We were not aligned. We very much lived siloed lives. And that six years just feels like a blur that feels like the time was wasted. We've talked about this in this sense of like missing this and loss in that period. And yet in the last seven years since I became pregnant with our daughter a little bit before, so maybe seven to eight years, we look back at what we've achieved and what we've, what we've done purposefully in those years. And we're actually like mind blowing at what we've achieved. We can't believe that we've had the ability to do so much, which makes us feel really time rich.
Speaker 2 00:27:48 Yeah. So we talk about those, those several years in our apartment as the lost years. We were going to uni, we were getting degrees, we were starting, you know, very good jobs, tick, tick, tick in the boxes of success and life, right? But no, we, we look back at them now and go, what were we doing? What, what actually happened? That time just seemed to fly by because Kim and I hadn't sat down and, and gone, this is what we want to achieve. Let's be aligned. This is what we're gonna say no to, so we can focus on what we're gonna achieve. And through that achievement, actually mark the passage of time and be fulfilled by it. But conversely, the last seven years, we've done exactly that and that's why we have this sense of achievement and the confidence momentum going forward to continue to do it.
Speaker 1 00:28:35 Couldn't say it better.
Speaker 2 00:28:36 All right, so Kim, what was the gold nugget out of today's potty for you?
Speaker 1 00:28:42 Oh, it's all so good because time is such a big one for me. It's one of my pet peeves when people constantly talk about being busy and, and glorify the, the cultural norm around some sort of success being associated with being busy. So I guess really that's my gold nugget. It's not a, it's not a takeaway that's going to light you up with direction. What what I'm saying though, and this is a really important part of what we do with living the team life, is questioning these societal expectations, questioning these cultural norms and working out whether it actually serves you or not. Does that serve you to follow that norm? So that would be my key takeaway.
Speaker 2 00:29:21 I I just want people to understand that it's about quality over quantity. Become aligned with your partner, understand what you need to say no to, and then mark time through those achievements. You are amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
Speaker 1 00:29:41 Feel like you're on a roll. If you want more living, the team life, relationship, insights and conversations, head over to Kim and roger.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship goodies.
Speaker 2 00:29:51 And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
Speaker 1 00:29:59 Until next time, keep on living the team life.
