Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:03 Stress, it plagues us all. And when we experience it, it often has the debilitating knock on effect of impacting our relationship. So, how do we reduce our stress? Well, first things first, we need to get our heads around what is causing our stress and when it shows up, and that's what we're discussing today, how to start to pay attention to stress in a way that is simple and easy to put into practice. And of course, how to begin to bring this awareness into your relationship and how to take out some of the relationship tension in the process.
Speaker 2 00:00:35 Hey, we're Kim and Roger, and we're here to show couples how to get the best out of their relationship so they can start living their dream life
Speaker 1 00:00:42 Together. We're a west Aussie couple who are living the life of our dreams. We don't entertain the word should we think about the future as a field of possibilities, and we let joy be our compass.
Speaker 2 00:00:50 We've taken the simple idea of working as a team and applied it to our marriage, and it's been a game changer, allowing us to work out what truly lights us up in life and to go after it
Speaker 1 00:00:59 Together. From living in snowy Japan to starting our own house ripping business, we've achieved some big dreams, and most importantly, we feel fulfilled and are having the most fun we've ever had.
Speaker 2 00:01:08 Pick conversations from inspiring couples, thoughts from relationship experts and tales from our own lives. As we help you to gain the wisdom and skills you'll need to turn your relationship into a real team.
Speaker 1 00:01:18 These are relationship conversations for real people, by real people. So sit back, get comfortable, whatever tickles you, pickle, and enjoy living the team life.
Speaker 1 00:01:34 Over a decade ago now, when Kim was studying her master's counseling or when she was working as a counselor, she told me about this, uh, concept, this metaphor of the stress cup, and straight away, it was very powerful to me because all of a sudden I felt I had this tangible visualization of the fact that stress can become overwhelming. Now, that might seem <laugh> seem like a funny thing to say, but it actually, it was really, really powerful. It was a game changer for me, uh, especially when often I felt that I was perhaps hitting the red zone and I'd get upset or angry with Kim. I'd get upset or angry at my daughter, uh, and you could really feel a lot of shame and helplessness. Or, for example, Kim would get upset about something, which I thought at the time was very small, and I'm sure guys have felt this around their partners before.
Speaker 1 00:02:31 I was like, oh God, why? Why are you getting over getting so upset over something so small? But then thinking about the stress cup, I was like, oh, wow. Well, if your stressed cup overflows, then you are experiencing overwhelm. And maybe it was just that little thing, the straw that broke the camel's back. So Kim's gonna talk right now through it. Uh, she'll do a much better job explaining it, but I just wanted to bring that to the table today because it was very powerful to me and actually enabled me to take a more empathetic approach to stressful situations.
Speaker 2 00:03:06 I think that's a, uh, beautiful introduction to the stress cup, rj, and I'm really thrilled that you wanted to bring this to living the team life today. It's one of those things, the stress cup. It's, it might seem like a really simple concept, but I actually think it's quite a complicated concept that's been really simply boiled down. Stress is complex and it is difficult. And trying to figure out how to become aware of stress, how to better manage stress, you need to boil that down into simple ideas, right? Because obviously when you're stressed using complex ideas is not possible. So I think the, that's why the stress cup is such a successful metaphor, because it's really available to you even under duress, even in times of stress. And in terms of where this sits in the relationship and why we've brought it in today, I think you, you touched on that beautifully rod, in that it can really help you to not only become aware of yourself and, and make sure that you are monitoring your own stress levels and, and doing the best you can to be the best partner in the relationship, but it all can also really build empathy for your partners stress levels and what stress they're carrying.
Speaker 2 00:04:31 So I think there are a lot of benefits, and that's why we're going to be talking about the Stress cup today. You raised raised it Roger, and, and we agree that it is a really great tool to have in your relationship toolkit. That's what we are teaching about today. It we're giving you a tool that will, it's not necessarily a tool that's a direct relationship tool. It it is however, a, a tool that will improve your interpersonal skills will improve your relationship with your partner. And that's why we're, we're wanting to teach on that today. So I guess explaining what the stress cup is, is the best starting point. And you've probably actually heard it referred to as a stress bucket, if you've heard of it before. A lot of different literature talks about it as a stress bucket. I prefer the idea of a cup.
Speaker 2 00:05:24 It just visually works better for me. But if you prefer the idea of a bucket, go right ahead with that. It really doesn't matter. The basic concept of the stress cup is we add water to our cup. So a cup is a vessel that holds a liquid, right? And over time, you fill that cup up, the stress represents the liquid you're putting into your cup. So each additional stress you have adds liquid into your cup. Now, as you can imagine, your cup is not infinite. So if you add too much stress, which is additional amounts of liquid, it's going to start overflowing. And that's where we talk about overwhelm. And, and when we've, we've hit that sense of overload. Now, it's important to understand when we think about our stress cups, that everyone has a different size of stress cup. And you know, that's possibly why I prefer to call mine a cup instead of a bucket because maybe for me, I don't see my stress cup as as huge.
Speaker 2 00:06:33 I don't think I have a huge amount of capacity in my stress cup. And there are different things that influence how big or little your stress cup or bucket may be. Things like your personality, temperament, your genetics, and also significantly your upbringing. If you've had a very stressful upbringing and you have been in a state of hypervigilance, so having to be aware all the time, perhaps the household wasn't very settled, then you are going to have a lower tolerance to high levels of stress, and you're going to be adding stress to your cup more regularly, which means that you, you're just gonna have a smaller cup and a smaller bucket. So as a, as a base level and, uh, yeah, so I, I identify for whatever reason with a cup. So maybe that is reflective of the fact that I don't see myself as having a huge amount of capacity in that space, although I will say my capacity might has shifted as I've aged.
Speaker 2 00:07:35 And, uh, we can talk a little bit about that later. So the other thing that influences the cap not only is the size that you start with, which as I said, is influenced by a genetics, uh, temperament, experience, et cetera, but also the way we perceive stressful situations. So what might be really stressful and, and really put a lot of liquid in one person's cup might be nothing to another person. It might not even add liquid. And I think Roger and I can attest to this, right, Roger, that there are situations where I get so wound up and stressed about something that you don't really bat an eyelid at. And vice versa, you know, for my own situation, uh, sometimes I get frustrated when people don't stick to what they've said they're going to do because I'm, I, I'm a rule follower. I like things to be followed. You
Speaker 1 00:08:28 Know what, what was powerful for me, of course, uh, is you touched on before, is the fact, just noticing that you, you have a vessel, a a stress cup or a bucket, and not, you are not just a, a black hole that can take on all the stress of the world. And you know, when you can't, when you realize you can't take on all that stress, feeling that shame or that you're not good enough.
Speaker 2 00:08:49 Yeah, I think you've spoken about this with me before, that this, this exercise and this metaphor really actually helped you to break that shame cycle. Because, because a hundred percent you're right, we are not bottomless stress absorbers. And that's the whole point of this exercise is understanding you have a limit and you actually have to be responsible for navigating when that cup is full and what you need to adjust that. Now, what we will talk about is how you can also help your partner to do that. And that's the joy of the team, is that you're not solely in that situation on your own. And that's one of the reasons you find a partner and have this team life. When you live the team life, you can share those things. But we'll get more onto that later. I'll continue explaining what the stress of cup is.
Speaker 2 00:09:34 So we've understood it's a vessel. In my case, I visualize a cup and we add liquid to it, which represents the stresses that happen throughout a day. And as we add that liquid, the cup fills up. If you are not subtracting enough liquid, the cup is going to overflow. So when I say subtracting that liquid, I like to think about. So you can, you can take stress outta the stress cup, and this is the beautiful counter to the buildup of the stress. There's a little tap on the bottom of the cup, and you can, you can open that tap just a tiny little tap. You can flick the open switch and let some of the water out, which gives you more capacity in your cup. Obviously it gives you more space in your cup. There are different ways to open that tap, and we'll talk through those in a minute.
Speaker 2 00:10:22 But basically, those are conscious decisions we make to reduce stress. So first of all, let's talk about what add stress. What's the liquid? The liquid looks like? Poor sleep. It looks like difficult work situations. It looks like experiencing illness. It looks like difficult relationship problems. It looks like a loss of socialization. It looks like a stressful home life. It looks like an age and stage in life that is challenging, such as having children, which has a lot of the above i e sleep deprivation. Challenges on relationships, limited socialization. It looks like the challenge of finances at the moment. We know that inflation's causing a huge amount of pressure around the country, consistent interest rate rises, that that is going to be adding to their stress cup, that that's going to be, that's going to be putting liquid into their cup. So I think the really important concept that I want people to understand here is the stress cup is the sum of all your stresses.
Speaker 2 00:11:20 And I think this is where people get lost with stress. People have a idea often that when you say, I'm stressed out, that there's one thing, maybe two or three things that have happened that have, that have caused this stress. And it's, it's usually not that simple. The reality is in our day-to-day life as humans, we have many stresses. And as I said, depending on the person you are and how they land with you, they will stress you more or less. And so when we are thinking about our stress cup and how it's filling up, we need to be really thinking about all the little things, because you might not have even had one big stressful event. You might not even know how your cup got to capacity if you're not really paying attention. And it could just be accumulation of a lot of the little things.
Speaker 1 00:12:09 It's almost like death by a thousand cuts. That's, that's how I like to think of it. Uh, and not only that is people need to understand that you don't have an empty cup at the start of the day either. Oh yeah, you, you don't sit there and have an empty vessel at the start of the day. In fact, you can wake up in the morning and find that you are at the, the brim. You are at the brink, and the slices little thing could send you over into overwhelm, into the red zone, into that, that stress, that freeze
Speaker 2 00:12:38 Territory. I think a newborn parent is, is a great example of where you wake up. You, you might already be overflowing. The nights are so traumatic with newborns, they really are. There's not only sleep deprivation, but you're managing all the unknowns. Are they sick? Are they well, are they breathing? Are they growing? You know, what's that crime mean? I've never heard that one before. It's just constant and it goes all through the night, which is meant to be our rest and repair stage, and you could absolutely wake up overflowing. So I think that's a really good, um, awareness to bring. And, and we'll talk more about when we notice that. In fact, let's just talk a little bit about how we do notice when we are at max capacity. So some of the sorts of, uh, feelings you might have when your stress cup is starting to overflow.
Speaker 2 00:13:28 So you've already hit overwhelm, right? You, your cup's full of water, and now everything that goes in there that's a stress is causing the water to spill out. You might feel irritable, you might feel snappy. So you might notice that when the kids say something to you and it's agitating you, what you'd usually let just slip by, bang, you're straight snapping at them. Uh, you might feel really exhausted, really depleted. So just shattered. Not sure why had a good sleep even maybe, but you just feel knackered all the time. You wake up feeling exhausted, you might feel quite tearful. I know for me, this is a big one. When I get really overwhelmed and really stressed, I do feel quite, quite tearful and quite low in my mood. I feel sad and I, I get a bit existential, which can really contribute
Speaker 1 00:14:14 To that. I know that sometimes how it impacts me is I'll put off tasks and I'll put off jobs. It's just like when you're in the office and you know that you've been delaying sending an email that will only take you 10 minutes. You might've been delaying sending that email for two weeks just because you feel so overwhelmed and so stressed that you can't deal with the response you'll get. So you'd never send the email in the first place. So you, if you notice that in your life, you're sort of putting off important tasks or putting off things you know you have to do is because what happens after doing the task is actually too much for you. And of course, that just adds to your stress cup thinking about the, the things you haven't
Speaker 2 00:14:51 Done. Oh my god, such a big one for me. I won't reply to people's messages. <laugh>. I mean, I'm a terrible reply. All my friends listening will know that a hundred percent. I'm just, they just sort of accept it now, which thank you. I'm very grateful. It is a stress response. I don't wanna reply, not because I don't wanna reply. I dread them then writing back and me owing them another reply. I just can't bear the thought of owing someone another reply because I'm so bad at them. So I, I know that's a vicious cycle and it's probably gonna sound a little bit ridiculous, but I know I'm not alone in that space. Anyway, so we've talked about what happens with the, just then with the overwhelm, what that sort of shows up as, the reason we're bringing the stress cup metaphor to you is obviously we would like to get to a point where we can become aware and, and notice our stress cup enough so that we don't actually hit those overwhelmed states as often.
Speaker 2 00:15:42 Obviously we will hit them sometimes, but as often and, and when we become aware, we can start to create some room. So that's that tap I said that little baby tap you can imagine at the bottom of the stress cup and you just open that lever and let some of that water out so you've got some more capacity. And just to run through briefly, what some of the things, and you'll probably be familiar with these already, but some of the things that contribute to lowering our stress are things like exercise and physical movement. That is by far, it's got the greatest amount of research in terms of, uh, lowering stress levels. It's, it's such a fantastic way to just begin. It's also a doing thing. And I think for a lot of people, once we do one thing, it can be a real catalyst for doing other things.
Speaker 1 00:16:28 It it can also help with the, the mind body, uh, cycle. So if you feeling stress in your body, it impacts your mind. If you are feeling stress in your mind, it impacts your body and both can stress each other out. So it's a bit of a circuit breaker.
Speaker 2 00:16:43 Yeah, you talk a lot about letting the stress out of your body, uh, with exercise, and we obviously do the infrared saunas now, these have been a game changer for that by taking the tension out of our muscles, just like having a really good sweat out. It really does help our stress levels, doesn't it?
Speaker 1 00:16:59 It does. And these things you're talking about, Kim, where, you know, these are things we can do to reduce our stress. That's why I love the, the metaphor of the stress cup because it's actually an act of self-compassion because you are noticing that you have a stress cup and then you are going, okay, well to reduce my stress cup, I need to do exercise. I need to do mindfulness, I need to do, uh, you love to journal. So you are allowing yourself to do things that sometimes you might not let yourself do, or you'll feel maybe some shame doing because they're like for you. When we often feel we have to do things for other people,
Speaker 2 00:17:38 Oh my God, I love that is totally an act of self-compassion. To take care of your own wellbeing and, and noticing your stress levels is absolutely about taking care of your own wellbeing. So as I said, exercise, physical movement, uh, other things that can reduce your stress, that Roger just touched on some of these socializing, seeing friends, again, we know that socializing, again, research supports this. Socializing, uh, can help to reduce stress, improve mood, et cetera. Spending quality time with yourself, having a nap, getting some rest in, uh, sharing your concerns with a supportive partner being in nature. Again, nature triggers, um, responses that do lower stress levels. I'm not gonna get into any of the technicalities of that stuff today because all I really want you to think about is, is what lowers our stress levels. Let's just stay, stay in the simple space today.
Speaker 2 00:18:32 So just thinking about these things will lower stress. So being in nature, asking for help, journaling, like Rod said, I'm a big fan of journaling. Uh, my brain is very, very busy. If you have a very, very busy brain and there are different types of brains, Roger and I definitely, I am a have a far busier brain. That doesn't mean smarter. That just means quite chaotic and frenetic. And journaling helps to get some of that, um, chaos out for me. Uh, mindfulness, obviously. Um, mindfulness trained. I absolutely love mindfulness. It's, again, got a lot of research around it for lowering stress levels. Uh, eating well can really help keeping good health in your body and seeing a mental health practitioner, seeing a psych or a counselor getting some professional support and being heard by someone where you feel free to, to talk about yourself can, can often remove some of the, like Roger said, shame comes into a lot of this stuff.
Speaker 2 00:19:28 We, we guilt ourselves about taking care of ourselves. And sometimes seeing a mental health practitioner can remove that because it's a paid service. You're paying them for their time and they're professionalism and they're giving you in return, they're full attention and, and their full set of skills. So there's some of the ways that you can open that tap and create some space in your cup. So the next thing I wanna do is just cuz we are really just trying to get our heads around this concept and get that visualization going of, of what the stress cup looks like, how it fills up, and how we can create more capacity by opening the tap and letting some of the water out. So, uh, what I'm gonna do is just walk through just a half day in the life of a woman who, uh, might have, might be experiencing a little bit of stress. Uh, but really it's more about just highlighting how the little things, remember I said it's cumulative. It's, it's the, it's the sum of all the things in this cup. So you might be adding 10 mil of water at a time, but if you got lots of little things adding up that is going fast towards the full capacity of that cup.
Speaker 1 00:20:32 Well, I think we'll start by saying this woman's cup is already half full.
Speaker 2 00:20:36 Oh, there you go. <laugh> <laugh>. Just setting to see, I identify, let me say, yeah,
Speaker 1 00:20:41 Exactly. I i there's not too many people whose, uh, stress cups are, are completely empty,
Speaker 2 00:20:46 Right? Like, what would that even
Speaker 1 00:20:47 Look like? Well, I don't know, uh, uh, it's a stress cup. Not think, maybe not a beer cup maybe.
Speaker 2 00:20:51 I think, I think absolutely that's almost impossible. And I think there are people like monks who work towards, they don't work towards actually removing stress. They work towards building their awareness and, and living with the stress in a different way. But let's look at the day, half a day of this imaginary person. Okay? So imagine yourself, you toss and turn in the night because your partner is snoring and you are cold.
Speaker 1 00:21:20 Wait, is this me or is <laugh> might have been based? Is this is right loosely on my own life, sitting pretty close to home. Okay.
Speaker 2 00:21:28 Uh, that adds to the cup. You go to get dressed, you wake up, you go to get dressed for work and realize you don't have clean clothes to wear. Add to the cup. You spend 15 minutes racing around the house looking for something clean. You find nothing you want to wear and you're now running late. Add to the cup, you look across at the kitchen table as you race past where you've left your partner to feed the kids and see that only the unhealthy are occasional cereals. So the ones that are meant for special treats have been placed out and the kids have selected these. Add to the cup, you get to the car, frazzled, throw the kids in the back and hit play on your phone without thinking. It plays an intense podcast about improving your life. And although you really don't feel like it, you feel too rushed to switch to some relaxing music.
Speaker 2 00:22:23 Add to the cup, you get to school, drop off, the kids jump out of the car and you look at their backpacks and realize both of them are missing their water bottles. You start panicking about them having headaches all day and being dehydrated. Add to the cup, you race off to work, still listening to the overwhelming podcast. Add to the cup. You get to work, sit straight down at your desk, skipping your usual morning tea and start working because you're late. You open your emails and see 25 new emails. Add to the cup. You tell yourself as you see these emails, you'll just skip lunch to make up time and quietly scold yourself for not having done the washing, wasting time this morning looking for clean clothes, forgetting the kids' water bottles. And you agree with yourself that skipping lunch is your deserved punishment. Add to the cup. It's pretty crazy.
Speaker 1 00:23:20 Well, that just sounds like a, a typical normal day. Not even, not even a bad day, you know?
Speaker 2 00:23:26 No, I didn't, I didn't go extreme here. I just want people to understand like how much this happens throughout the day on an average day.
Speaker 1 00:23:34 Well, when you get home, your partner will say, how is your day? You'll probably go fine, fine. You wouldn't see it as, as anything exceptional having happened, as any large meteors have hit your day and blown it up. It just seems like a typical day. And I mean, most of us yearn for a typical day, but you can see how that, because it is just a typical day. Nothing exceptional has happened, but you've just had these constant stresses, just compounding, compounding, building, building. And that's what that you only took us through half a day.
Speaker 2 00:24:07 Not even I took you to about 9:00 AM <laugh>, like realistically I did. I went to 9:00 AM
Speaker 1 00:24:13 Yeah. So, so you can see how that they, you know, those pressures and those stresses can just compound. And then you've got the rest of the day. And if you are not doing things to reduce that stress, uh, on a typical day, you can see how you can really hit the red zone. And gee, what happens if something does go wrong really bad? Are you gonna be able to cope?
Speaker 2 00:24:34 Absolutely. You've, you've, you're really using up your capacity on the day-to-day stuff as, as you say, rod. So let's think about then, how do we check in to see where, where our stress cup is at, where our stress levels in the cup
Speaker 1 00:24:49 Are at. Well, again, that's why I just think this metaphor is so, such a game changer because for me it's like the first thing I I can do is actually identify and notice that I have a stress cup. I'm not a bottomless pit where I can just throw stress into and, and it not phase me and not worry me and think something's wrong with me if I do feel stressed and just plow through it. You talked about perhaps my road rage, uh, and I don't rage at people. Um,
Speaker 2 00:25:16 You absolutely
Speaker 1 00:25:17 Do. I rage within, it's a, it's a within rage. If you're in the car, you'll probably cop it.
Speaker 2 00:25:21 Oh, it's outward for the people in the car
Speaker 1 00:25:23 <laugh>. But, but literally on the way home from dropping our little one off today, uh, there was a detour and someone had signed it really poorly and I, I did, as I was doing a U-turn, I just start going off again just in, in my, to myself in the car. And as I did it, I sort of just went, oh, we're doing a podcast on the stress cup today. And oh man, like that, that's very not me to, to go off as badly as I did when it doesn't matter. So I noticed that I'd, I'd hit the red and I actually went and got a coffee just for five minutes. And I know it wasn't going to, it wasn't going to completely uh, flush out my, my stress cup. I wasn't releasing the bung at the bottom. Uh, but it did, you
Speaker 2 00:26:07 Were opening the tap then
Speaker 1 00:26:08 I, I was opening the tap a little bit just so when I came home I wasn't going at a hundred miles an hour and I wasn't like laying that on you. Uh, I think other ways that I feel that, you know, how I check in is am I living my values? And again, we, we talk about values a lot, but that concept can be quite difficult. But for example is I, I'm, I very much believe in like live and let live. And I think sometimes, you know, you can notice that, you know, that's a value for me. That's what I believe. Like people can do their own stuff. I, I don't really, I don't mind if you wanna do something that's different to me, you know, that's, that's agency. You get to go do that. I'm not gonna be judgmental, you know, I'm not gonna judge you for it. But then I can notice sometimes when my stress cup's filling up, I can get a bit snarky and judgmental. I think for me that's some ways I notice it. But again, that's a bit reactive, isn't it?
Speaker 2 00:27:00 It is, but they're great things. You're right. They're, they're usually noticing when you're getting higher up on the stress cup. So when it's really filling up to capacity and I guess that's brilliant. That's one of the things we can do, start to notice when those feelings show up cuz they're a really clear indicator right, of what's happening. The other thing we can do that is a little bit more in the proactive space is to start to create a habit of checking in. Now I know this is gonna sound a little bit annoying to people because it is something to add to your, to your plate in the beginning. All new habits require a little bit of extra energy at the start. But once you practice doing something, especially checking in with yourself or bringing awareness to yourself over time it does honestly it becomes effortless. The brain just does it automatically. I mean that's what a habit is. And so we recommend always habit stacking when you are starting a habit. So using a habit you already have because that's already easy for you. That's a low level of energy required. It's
Speaker 1 00:28:01 Automated.
Speaker 2 00:28:01 It's automated, thank you. And stacking that with the new habit. So an annexing the new habit to that easy one so that your brain is triggered when that, when, because there is a routine already set up, you're not setting a whole new routine up, you're just annexing something on and it becomes a quicker and easier habit to, to begin. So, and I'm quoting James clear's, um, atomic habits here. That's the way he approaches habits and I think it, it's one small part of it obviously, but yeah, go on read's book atomic Habits. It's absolutely brilliant for setting new habits Anyway. So we wanna set a habit of checking in and bringing awareness to the stress cup because eventually that will become natural then. And you'll actually just find yourself doing it throughout the day. Oh, where am I at? How full am I? What's happened today?
Speaker 2 00:28:48 What would it contributed to it? But in the first instance, you have to create the habit. So annex it to something for me if I was starting this habit, now obviously I've been practicing this for a long time, but if I was starting this habit today or I needed to, um, I might have lost connection to the habit. I wanted to go back to it. I would do it after lunch when I have a cup of tea cuz I have a cup of tea every day after I've finished my lunch. That is a habit for me. And I would annex on this habit so I would have it stack it on.
Speaker 1 00:29:16 Yeah. So find something that you do every day. Yes. That is habitual that you do without thinking yes and
Speaker 2 00:29:23 Doesn't require energy and effort really because it's automated like you said.
Speaker 1 00:29:27 And then start adding this habit of checking in on your stress cup. Where is my stress cup at today? How full is it? Yep. And what have I got on the horizon today? Yes. Which might start to fill the stress cup, but also remembering Kim's visualization exercise where she said that it can be just the little things that you might not notice as stresses. You know, that death by a thousand cuts that can really get you.
Speaker 2 00:29:50 Yes, absolutely. And really picture, I'm a very visual person. Picture the cup itself. Yeah. Picture what's in it, you know, picture the little tap at the bottom. What have you opened the tap for today? Maybe nothing. Maybe you haven't opened the tap yet. When, when might you be able to open the tap today? So really using that visualization, it's, it's a very powerful tool. And I guess the other thing that we just wanna touch on before we, we wrap this up is how do you ask for help from your partner? Cause I'm sure a lot of you're thinking this when you start to notice that your stress cup is filling up.
Speaker 1 00:30:26 I'll just speak on behalf of blokes. You know, we know that blokes are less likely to verbalize their stress. Um, and one of the reasons is because we, we understand the, the work and the stress that women take on our partners take on in the household, especially with kids and, you know, whether they're working full-time or not, that they do take a lot, a lot of the, the family stress on in some ways. And I think a lot of men, and I feel this way is I don't want to burden the family. I don't wanna burden my wife with the stress cuz that will just make it more stressful. So for a guy, it can then be very hard to say, oh babe, I'm at capacity because that I'm at capacity can either come as weakness or it can come across as I've got nothing left for you. And so it, and that's the only way sometimes guys feel. But that again, by saying perhaps instead that, sweetie, my my stress cup is at the brink today and you know, I need a bit of support. Or even if you are being reactive, baby, I'm sorry I blew up at you earlier. I didn't mean to my stress cut was just overflowing. That, that's a way, a very simple way that I think a, a bloke could come at it.
Speaker 2 00:31:42 I think these are great points and I think the really in the, in the question we asked, how do you ask for help from your partner was really the answer right there. You know, you need to flip the script on that idea of being a burden. When we share this experience with our partner, we're building trust and safety in the relationship and we are working together just like any team would, like a sports team would, if one player was down, you do what you can to maybe take a little bit of their load to work a little bit harder till they're fighting fit and back on the field and able to do what they're able to do, right? So I think asking for help from your partner, so flipping the script, realizing that asking for help is going to benefit the relationship, it's going to benefit you both as a team and, and just stretching out and saying, I've noticed, like you said, Roger, I've noticed that, that I'm full for these reasons or I think I'm reaching capacity for these reasons. Could you possibly help me with A, B or C? It's not about giving them your stress. And I think that's where the misconception comes in. You're not dumping your stress on your partner, you are asking them to help you open that tap a little bit. Just give me a hand so I can open that tap a little bit.
Speaker 1 00:32:55 You know, we talk about as a relationship tool and part of it is a communication tool as well. Uh, as much as it's a visualization or a metaphor for the vessel of your stress, it's also a tangible vessel, vessel to bring to the table in relationship and say, Hey look, this is my, my my stress cup. And of course what you'll find is that if you are not telling your partner that you are stressed and that you are struggling, it shows up in other ways anyway. Mm. You know, you are grumpy, you know, you're not doing what you say you do. And if they don't understand mm, then th there's gonna be a bit of animosity or hey, what's going on? Or maybe they're mad at me. Um, so it's great communication tool as well.
Speaker 2 00:33:36 A hundred percent agree with that.
Speaker 1 00:33:38 All right. So Kim, what was your one gold nugget out of the show today?
Speaker 2 00:33:44 For me, this one is just the, I am super visual. I mean, I draw everything out. I have scribblings all over the house. I literally have, uh, temporary whiteboards put up everywhere because I just, my brain just sees things in pictures. So for me it's the image of the physical cup with the tiny little tap because it just is super empowering to me. When I visualize that, I feel in a really simple way, I can make a change, I can make a change and impact my stress levels and that is just, it's really cool.
Speaker 1 00:34:18 Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:34:18 What
Speaker 1 00:34:19 About you, Roger? It is very cool. Well, you know, the, the, the gold nugget was the, the stress cup itself, but maybe just at the end there where we touch on the fact that if the two of you can bring together the concept of the stress cup, understand it, and then talk about it, you then open a open doors on how you can actually support each other with your stress cups. So for example, you know, I might notice that Kim's stress cup is overflowing, you know, because we've been talking about this for quite a long time. So we do start to understand each other's stress cups. And I say, do you know what sweetie, I'm gonna do pick up today to give you time to go for a run if that's what you feel like doing. So that's what I think my gold nugget is. You are amazing. You've just spent quality time on your relationship.
Speaker 2 00:35:06 Feel out you're on a roll. If you want more living, the team life, relationship, insights and conversations, head over to Kim and roger.com where you can find all the show notes as well as tons of other relationship
Speaker 1 00:35:16 Goodies. And if you like today's episode, please hit subscribe or let another couple know where they can find us. It'll make them happy and it'll make us really happy.
Speaker 2 00:35:25 Until next time, keep on living the team life.
